He Left Me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 2
He Left Me
Hi everyone
I'm new to this forum but have spent the last 10 days reading through various posts which has been so helpful. I just wanted to post my own story mainly for advice but also to get it all out.
I met my ex partner July 2021 and we instantly hit it off. He moved to Dublin from Scotland for work so was new to the city. We were absolutely smitten with each other and spent all our time together, moving in to our own place November that year. It was like a whirlwind and I had never felt so happy. I noticed he drank a lot and often to great excess but was never messy or let it affect his daily life so i didnt worry about it. We made a new years resolution that Christmas to cut down on drinking and he said he wanted 6 months sobriety to reset. This never happened for him.
Since I knew him he always spoke negatively about his family and seemed tense with them. When I met them later in the year I was shocked to discover they were the most lovely people and he had come from a very privileged and happy background so I was surprised he was so negative about them. He said they always judge him and get involved in his life. In Feb 2022 they came to visit and we were all meant to go for dinner. We went to the pub during the day to watch a match and my partner got so drunk he was sick and could barely walk. I had to go to dinner with them alone and it was there they told me that they have been worried about his drinking for years and thought after meeting me he had finally settled down. When I came home that night I noticed he had drank half a bottle of whiskey and ordered wine to the apartment which he also drank. The next morning he got up to answer a delivery of more wine and started swigging it from bed. I had to take it out of his hands and pour it down the drain, I was so scared. I had never seen him like this and didn't know what to do. I left to stay with my friend that night and his parents came over to speak to him. The next day when I returned he admitted he was an alcoholic and was going to book in to the gp and see a specialist.
Throughout the next few weeks he was sober but very depressed and moody. He was irritable with me and kept blaming me for getting his parents involved. when we finally got an appointment to see a psychiatrist he suggested drinking in moderation and seeing how that went. The therapist agreed this could work and it did for a while until August last year when a similar incident occurred.
Fast forward to November last year and another attempt at sobriety. My partner was very depressed and had so much anger in him. He never wanted to talk about his feelings and said he just wanted to stay sober and didn't need professional help. We spent Christmas in scotland with his family which was very hard for me. He was so moody and negative about everything. When we got home I told him he needed to change his ways and we needed to see a couples counsellor because he needed to learn to communicate and also stop resenting me for speaking to his parents. He agreed to this and we went to see a couples therapist who told him he needs to work on expressing his feelings and understanding where I'm coming from. Right at the end of the session he turned and said he didn't know if he wanted this relationship anymore and when we got home he very coldly broke up with me and told me he was miserable in our relationship.
he said he has fallen out of love and I'm controlling. He said its gone too far and he will never be happy with me or have a life. I was so confused because all the week before he had been so affectionate and loving, always telling me he loved me. It was almost like the counselling made him just think f**k this. I was truly devastated and begged him not to do this but he was adamant it was for the best.
I have now moved home with my parents and I am seriously struggling. I sent him a long message 1 week after we split to say I accept his decision, I love him and im always here for him. He didnt respond to that message but we have had brief conversations about the apartment and moving my stuff out etc, all very business like and cold which is upsetting.
his mum has messaged me and said he is not speaking to them much and they don't understand why he ended things. Our love always felt so real despite the tough times. I'm so sad this has happened and just feel like he's giving up and running away rather than facing his demons and making the changes required.
my friend saw him on dating apps the day after I moved out which is like a knife to the heart.
any advise is so appreciated. I'm at such a loss what to do and miss him so much.
I'm new to this forum but have spent the last 10 days reading through various posts which has been so helpful. I just wanted to post my own story mainly for advice but also to get it all out.
I met my ex partner July 2021 and we instantly hit it off. He moved to Dublin from Scotland for work so was new to the city. We were absolutely smitten with each other and spent all our time together, moving in to our own place November that year. It was like a whirlwind and I had never felt so happy. I noticed he drank a lot and often to great excess but was never messy or let it affect his daily life so i didnt worry about it. We made a new years resolution that Christmas to cut down on drinking and he said he wanted 6 months sobriety to reset. This never happened for him.
Since I knew him he always spoke negatively about his family and seemed tense with them. When I met them later in the year I was shocked to discover they were the most lovely people and he had come from a very privileged and happy background so I was surprised he was so negative about them. He said they always judge him and get involved in his life. In Feb 2022 they came to visit and we were all meant to go for dinner. We went to the pub during the day to watch a match and my partner got so drunk he was sick and could barely walk. I had to go to dinner with them alone and it was there they told me that they have been worried about his drinking for years and thought after meeting me he had finally settled down. When I came home that night I noticed he had drank half a bottle of whiskey and ordered wine to the apartment which he also drank. The next morning he got up to answer a delivery of more wine and started swigging it from bed. I had to take it out of his hands and pour it down the drain, I was so scared. I had never seen him like this and didn't know what to do. I left to stay with my friend that night and his parents came over to speak to him. The next day when I returned he admitted he was an alcoholic and was going to book in to the gp and see a specialist.
Throughout the next few weeks he was sober but very depressed and moody. He was irritable with me and kept blaming me for getting his parents involved. when we finally got an appointment to see a psychiatrist he suggested drinking in moderation and seeing how that went. The therapist agreed this could work and it did for a while until August last year when a similar incident occurred.
Fast forward to November last year and another attempt at sobriety. My partner was very depressed and had so much anger in him. He never wanted to talk about his feelings and said he just wanted to stay sober and didn't need professional help. We spent Christmas in scotland with his family which was very hard for me. He was so moody and negative about everything. When we got home I told him he needed to change his ways and we needed to see a couples counsellor because he needed to learn to communicate and also stop resenting me for speaking to his parents. He agreed to this and we went to see a couples therapist who told him he needs to work on expressing his feelings and understanding where I'm coming from. Right at the end of the session he turned and said he didn't know if he wanted this relationship anymore and when we got home he very coldly broke up with me and told me he was miserable in our relationship.
he said he has fallen out of love and I'm controlling. He said its gone too far and he will never be happy with me or have a life. I was so confused because all the week before he had been so affectionate and loving, always telling me he loved me. It was almost like the counselling made him just think f**k this. I was truly devastated and begged him not to do this but he was adamant it was for the best.
I have now moved home with my parents and I am seriously struggling. I sent him a long message 1 week after we split to say I accept his decision, I love him and im always here for him. He didnt respond to that message but we have had brief conversations about the apartment and moving my stuff out etc, all very business like and cold which is upsetting.
his mum has messaged me and said he is not speaking to them much and they don't understand why he ended things. Our love always felt so real despite the tough times. I'm so sad this has happened and just feel like he's giving up and running away rather than facing his demons and making the changes required.
my friend saw him on dating apps the day after I moved out which is like a knife to the heart.
any advise is so appreciated. I'm at such a loss what to do and miss him so much.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 8
Classic. This merry go round behavior is a classic relationship with an alcoholic. He’s in the throws of his addiction and he doesn’t want to stop right now. He wants to push everyone out that attempts to make him face the problem. His drinking isn’t your fault and he isn’t your assignment. You need help. As much as you think this is about him it’s not. It’s not, it’s not, it’s not. Control what you can. Seek recovery for you. Try Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi Cookie91. Glad you were able to take time to read around the forum.
Your story is not unheard of. It can be really traumatic for someone to just "flip a switch" like turning off their feelings, but that is indeed what he has done.
All was fine until you confronted his drinking. That puts you in the enemy camp, along with his parents and probably other partners and friends he has had. Addiction is a major drive to drink (and that is an understatement), it protects itself by keeping those that try to stand in its way - firmly out of the way.
As long as you accepted him without question, it worked.
The truth is, he just wants to drink. At the therapy session he saw the writing on the wall, your comment: "It was almost like the counselling made him just think f**k this". is no doubt accurate.
This will be tough, but please don't take it personally. You will never (ever) win against addiction. It is his first love, above all else, including you and, as you have seen, his family. Until such time (which may or may not happen) he decides to get sober and stay sober AND get in to recovery (two different things), this is how he will be.
As for him on a dating app. He obviously can't be alone, it's too tough for him, so he just hops from one relationship to the next as needed. He can't keep up the pretense of not being an active alcoholic for long.
It hurts and it will for a while. Going to Al-Anon could help. Post here as often as you like.
Your story is not unheard of. It can be really traumatic for someone to just "flip a switch" like turning off their feelings, but that is indeed what he has done.
All was fine until you confronted his drinking. That puts you in the enemy camp, along with his parents and probably other partners and friends he has had. Addiction is a major drive to drink (and that is an understatement), it protects itself by keeping those that try to stand in its way - firmly out of the way.
As long as you accepted him without question, it worked.
The truth is, he just wants to drink. At the therapy session he saw the writing on the wall, your comment: "It was almost like the counselling made him just think f**k this". is no doubt accurate.
This will be tough, but please don't take it personally. You will never (ever) win against addiction. It is his first love, above all else, including you and, as you have seen, his family. Until such time (which may or may not happen) he decides to get sober and stay sober AND get in to recovery (two different things), this is how he will be.
As for him on a dating app. He obviously can't be alone, it's too tough for him, so he just hops from one relationship to the next as needed. He can't keep up the pretense of not being an active alcoholic for long.
It hurts and it will for a while. Going to Al-Anon could help. Post here as often as you like.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
so sorry cookie to read your post. Sadly, there are many similar stories here on the forum. Reading around really helps. Realising so many others have been through the same stuff is both shocking and comforting. Alcohol is indeed his one true love and you will never, ever win that contest. Accepting this is a big step towards your own recovery. None of it is your fault. You can help yourself by starting out on your own journey of recovery - here on the forum and al-anon or copdependents anonymous meetings either online or in the real world.
I hope you will stick around the forum for a while. There is so much wisdom here, shared by many caring souls. Look after yourself well at this time. Eat well, get plenty of sleep. Try to turn all that concern you have for his wellbeing around and look after you.
I hope you will stick around the forum for a while. There is so much wisdom here, shared by many caring souls. Look after yourself well at this time. Eat well, get plenty of sleep. Try to turn all that concern you have for his wellbeing around and look after you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by Cookie91dub 
Hi everyone
I'm new to this forum but have spent the last 10 days reading through various posts which has been so helpful. I just wanted to post my own story mainly for advice but also to get it all out.
I met my ex partner July 2021 and we instantly hit it off. He moved to Dublin from Scotland for work so was new to the city. We were absolutely smitten with each other and spent all our time together, moving in to our own place November that year. It was like a whirlwind and I had never felt so happy. I noticed he drank a lot and often to great excess but was never messy or let it affect his daily life so i didnt worry about it. We made a new years resolution that Christmas to cut down on drinking and he said he wanted 6 months sobriety to reset. This never happened for him.
Since I knew him he always spoke negatively about his family and seemed tense with them. When I met them later in the year I was shocked to discover they were the most lovely people and he had come from a very privileged and happy background so I was surprised he was so negative about them. He said they always judge him and get involved in his life. In Feb 2022 they came to visit and we were all meant to go for dinner. We went to the pub during the day to watch a match and my partner got so drunk he was sick and could barely walk. I had to go to dinner with them alone and it was there they told me that they have been worried about his drinking for years and thought after meeting me he had finally settled down. When I came home that night I noticed he had drank half a bottle of whiskey and ordered wine to the apartment which he also drank. The next morning he got up to answer a delivery of more wine and started swigging it from bed. I had to take it out of his hands and pour it down the drain, I was so scared. I had never seen him like this and didn't know what to do. I left to stay with my friend that night and his parents came over to speak to him. The next day when I returned he admitted he was an alcoholic and was going to book in to the gp and see a specialist.
Throughout the next few weeks he was sober but very depressed and moody. He was irritable with me and kept blaming me for getting his parents involved. when we finally got an appointment to see a psychiatrist he suggested drinking in moderation and seeing how that went. The therapist agreed this could work and it did for a while until August last year when a similar incident occurred.
Fast forward to November last year and another attempt at sobriety. My partner was very depressed and had so much anger in him. He never wanted to talk about his feelings and said he just wanted to stay sober and didn't need professional help. We spent Christmas in scotland with his family which was very hard for me. He was so moody and negative about everything. When we got home I told him he needed to change his ways and we needed to see a couples counsellor because he needed to learn to communicate and also stop resenting me for speaking to his parents. He agreed to this and we went to see a couples therapist who told him he needs to work on expressing his feelings and understanding where I'm coming from. Right at the end of the session he turned and said he didn't know if he wanted this relationship anymore and when we got home he very coldly broke up with me and told me he was miserable in our relationship.
he said he has fallen out of love and I'm controlling. He said its gone too far and he will never be happy with me or have a life. I was so confused because all the week before he had been so affectionate and loving, always telling me he loved me. It was almost like the counselling made him just think f**k this. I was truly devastated and begged him not to do this but he was adamant it was for the best.
I have now moved home with my parents and I am seriously struggling. I sent him a long message 1 week after we split to say I accept his decision, I love him and im always here for him. He didnt respond to that message but we have had brief conversations about the apartment and moving my stuff out etc, all very business like and cold which is upsetting.
his mum has messaged me and said he is not speaking to them much and they don't understand why he ended things. Our love always felt so real despite the tough times. I'm so sad this has happened and just feel like he's giving up and running away rather than facing his demons and making the changes required.
my friend saw him on dating apps the day after I moved out which is like a knife to the heart.
any advise is so appreciated. I'm at such a loss what to do and miss him so much.
I'm new to this forum but have spent the last 10 days reading through various posts which has been so helpful. I just wanted to post my own story mainly for advice but also to get it all out.
I met my ex partner July 2021 and we instantly hit it off. He moved to Dublin from Scotland for work so was new to the city. We were absolutely smitten with each other and spent all our time together, moving in to our own place November that year. It was like a whirlwind and I had never felt so happy. I noticed he drank a lot and often to great excess but was never messy or let it affect his daily life so i didnt worry about it. We made a new years resolution that Christmas to cut down on drinking and he said he wanted 6 months sobriety to reset. This never happened for him.
Since I knew him he always spoke negatively about his family and seemed tense with them. When I met them later in the year I was shocked to discover they were the most lovely people and he had come from a very privileged and happy background so I was surprised he was so negative about them. He said they always judge him and get involved in his life. In Feb 2022 they came to visit and we were all meant to go for dinner. We went to the pub during the day to watch a match and my partner got so drunk he was sick and could barely walk. I had to go to dinner with them alone and it was there they told me that they have been worried about his drinking for years and thought after meeting me he had finally settled down. When I came home that night I noticed he had drank half a bottle of whiskey and ordered wine to the apartment which he also drank. The next morning he got up to answer a delivery of more wine and started swigging it from bed. I had to take it out of his hands and pour it down the drain, I was so scared. I had never seen him like this and didn't know what to do. I left to stay with my friend that night and his parents came over to speak to him. The next day when I returned he admitted he was an alcoholic and was going to book in to the gp and see a specialist.
Throughout the next few weeks he was sober but very depressed and moody. He was irritable with me and kept blaming me for getting his parents involved. when we finally got an appointment to see a psychiatrist he suggested drinking in moderation and seeing how that went. The therapist agreed this could work and it did for a while until August last year when a similar incident occurred.
Fast forward to November last year and another attempt at sobriety. My partner was very depressed and had so much anger in him. He never wanted to talk about his feelings and said he just wanted to stay sober and didn't need professional help. We spent Christmas in scotland with his family which was very hard for me. He was so moody and negative about everything. When we got home I told him he needed to change his ways and we needed to see a couples counsellor because he needed to learn to communicate and also stop resenting me for speaking to his parents. He agreed to this and we went to see a couples therapist who told him he needs to work on expressing his feelings and understanding where I'm coming from. Right at the end of the session he turned and said he didn't know if he wanted this relationship anymore and when we got home he very coldly broke up with me and told me he was miserable in our relationship.
he said he has fallen out of love and I'm controlling. He said its gone too far and he will never be happy with me or have a life. I was so confused because all the week before he had been so affectionate and loving, always telling me he loved me. It was almost like the counselling made him just think f**k this. I was truly devastated and begged him not to do this but he was adamant it was for the best.
I have now moved home with my parents and I am seriously struggling. I sent him a long message 1 week after we split to say I accept his decision, I love him and im always here for him. He didnt respond to that message but we have had brief conversations about the apartment and moving my stuff out etc, all very business like and cold which is upsetting.
his mum has messaged me and said he is not speaking to them much and they don't understand why he ended things. Our love always felt so real despite the tough times. I'm so sad this has happened and just feel like he's giving up and running away rather than facing his demons and making the changes required.
my friend saw him on dating apps the day after I moved out which is like a knife to the heart.
any advise is so appreciated. I'm at such a loss what to do and miss him so much.
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