wellthen

H just texted me that he's had 15 drinks over 10 occasions in the past 100 days.

I'm not sure how I feel about his text TBH. It's an improvement. I can remember at least 8 of these days and question whether he's actually limited himself to only 2 more days (he's been hanging out with drinking buddies, has gone to bars, and has a history of lying). I think he's proud of his progress and in some ways, I am too because it is progress.

He's not in a program but has done therapy for a year. I'm not sure how much they go into his substance use. I do know they spent one month of sessions talking mostly about how to live with a partner with depression (me), but anyway.

I'm struggling with how much to weigh in on how much I think he should be drinking (which is zero, given that he wrecked his car, still drove home, and basically told me he realized after the wreck that there's no amount of alcohol that's safe for him). I've expressed the impacts it's had on the kids, and on me, but I've been hesitant to attach a number to what I need. I think part of it is, I don't want to set myself up for more heartache and disappointment if he exceeds it and/or lies.

On one hand, I'm trying to detach from his drinking. On the other, I had a therapist once tell me that I sometimes test him without him realizing he's being tested (mostly related to his party behaviors) so I've made a conscious effort not to do that. And then also, I'm not sure his stopping would save our marriage after so much hurt. I don't want to discourage him and I also don't want to give him false hope.

I guess my question is, is it better to share my opinion on his text or to just say "interesting," which is what I did?

Why am I so bad at this stuff?

trailmix

It's a fine line.

So, what the therapist said is interesting. Testing without him realizing you're testing him. When the therapist said that, you hadn't had a thousand conversations already about his partying? That coming home rolling drunk wasn't ok?

I'm pretty sure you have, so how can that be testing without warning? What it is, is expecting your AH to take some responsibility for himself and his family. You aren't his Mother, you aren't meant to scold him or tell him how to behave, it's kind of obvious one would think.

All that said, it really does sound like you are done. So his drinking or not isn't really the "thing" here. Maybe it's time to tell him you are no longer interested in a relationship with him?

Easier said than done, I know, but the drinking is really just a side issue at this point perhaps.

biminiblue

So...I haven't read your previous posts or I don't really remember - but it sounds like you are currently separated? If so, No Answer is also a good answer to any and all unnecessary texts. Which I would consider his "disclosure" about XX number of drinks to be just that. Unnecessary texts.

I mean, even if he completely quit and started acting like a mature responsible adult father and husband - it would take me a VERY long time to ever let him back in, if ever. Once it's gotten to the separation stage for me, I'm done.

ToughChoices

It’s perfectly valid for you to believe that alcoholics/addicts are healthiest when abstaining (completely) from substances. It’s fine to insist on abstinence as a bare minimum for considering ongoing contact.

Trust yourself. I spent months driving myself NUTS trying to accept behavior from my late ex-AH that I found fundamentally unacceptable. It got easier when I acknowledged my desires/feelings/expectations, then watched to see if they were respected. In my case, they were not. That hurt, but it was better than constantly doubting myself and feeling guilty.

I got to a point where I refused to discuss alcohol with my ex. If he wanted to talk “progress”, I told him to call his sponsor/friend/brother. Not me. It just made me crazy to engage.

velma929

I drink, but I'm not addicted.

If my doctor said, "Your health is at risk" or my partner said, "Your drinking is causing problems" I'd quit. I would miss an ice-cold Margarita on a hot summer evening, but I'd do it, no problem.

Someone who keeps coming up with excuses to justify his/her drinking really has a problem.

And...how accurate a count does an inebriated person keep? I don't mean intentionally misleading people. I mean, when an addict is drinking, is he really able to reliably count?

wellthen

We are not. I've told him I want to separate (including a week before he got drunk and wrecked his car, and during that conversation he told me there was literally nothing he wouldn't do to save our marriage). But we are still together as of now. Mostly because I'm a weenie and afraid to take the next steps, but he is also being incredibly nice and it's confusing.

BlownOne

15 Drinks over 10 occasions, huh? Well, all I know is when I was still drinking it was pretty standard to tell the non drinkers in my life (or my doctor) that I drank about 20% (at the maximum) of what I really drank. Not saying your husband is lying, but that's kind of what we do when we're not 100% committed to recovery. Take it with a grain of salt. Well wishes to you.

wellthen

That's definitely a concern. He's certainly lied before (including the fact that he "occasionally" used cocaine, which he hid from me for 18 years). He will definitely tell me things he thinks I need to hear to get me off his back--I've seen that in action several times.

Thanks for weighing in. I appreciate that you shared your experience.