Lonely and Confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 36
Lonely and Confused
Hi hi. <3 I hope this finds everyone well!
Lately I've been feeling strangely unmoored and isolated. My husband/qualifier (still trying to learn some of the terms?) is actively drinking and "hiding" it (hiding being a loose term, it's not like I don't know.) :P This affects the entire house negatively, as he'll go from his normal self one moment to his intoxicated self the next and it's like he channeled a ninja to do it. I don't even know where his stash is at this point--I've come upon his stuff (and literally by accident, I don't make a habit of seeking out where he hides his booze) on the reg over the years, so I guess his hiding places have gotten a little more inspired. I.e. to actually find it you'd have to like, actively be SEEKING it. It's anyone's guess where he's actually disappearing to in order to go get drunk... I swear it's like POOF here's drunk hubs. This is under my skin in ways I can't really explain, but I'm EXTREMELY bothered and feel as though I'm constantly on high alert. It's been hard to sleep because I'm that on edge--I feel like I can't drift off because I need to be present to keep an eye on the situation for my kids' sake.
This makes me feel strangely lonely in ways that spill over into my social life. I can't really seem to make friends because I'm uncomfortable opening up to people and I don't even talk candidly with existing friends (all of whom are relegated to text message, since none are local anymore and I don't use social media.) People also scare me and I've been pretty dispirited by them in recent years (working at Great Clips did NOT help.) This somewhat misanthropic phase (which has lasted YEARS) has tempered enough I'm more willing to take each person on a case by case basis and at least TRY to make connections, but I have SERIOUS trust issues and feel like I can't relate to 99.9% of humanity.
It's a bizarre feeling of floundering and it's like I'm existing in a paradox. I'm lonely because alcohol is my husband's REAL spouse. So I want friends, but kinda hate people and feel guarded around them partly because of my husband's alcoholism. I've made friends in the form of books, series, games and etc. that I enjoy, but those are only as safe and dependable as their adaptations. I've only been disappointed by the things I used to enjoy lately and now I don't know what I feel like watching, playing or reading beyond just zoning out to documentaries on Discovery+.
Outside of home, it feels to me--and maybe I'm misinterpreting it--that people barely even take note of my existence. Like if I just vanished into the ether tomorrow, the only people that could be bothered to notice would be my kids, my sister, and maybe my cat. Okay, maybe my husband would, too. (Although a lot of the time I feel like he doesn't even LIKE me, let alone would be all that bent if I evacuated the earth.) This is a little silly and dramatic, but hey--it's how I feel. This has been a nagging sensation since my mom died in November of 21.
I've really been missing my mom in particular since I always knew even for her 99 problems I could reach out to her and she'd immediately reach back, equally that she was always reaching out to me and wanting to connect. Her own drinking and other problems made that hard at times, but now I'd take her drinking and all the other crap if it meant she was back... *sigh*
I'd go to Al Anon, but it's beyond hard to get out of my house without the kids for a minute, let alone over an hour. My husband's spouse is alcohol and his mistress is his work. :P I'm basically stuck in the house unless I pay a babysitter (and I'm not exactly banking, being a stay at home mom beholden to hubs' wallet) or give extremely advance notice and continuous reminders.
Bottom line... I feel very cut off from the world around me and like my husband is my only friend. Meanwhile, even if I haven't turned up forensic evidence, per se, he's drinking a LOT so that's not a consistent thing. I feel like an ungrateful baby, but my feelings are what they are, I guess.
I guess that's it. I'm out, peace!
Lately I've been feeling strangely unmoored and isolated. My husband/qualifier (still trying to learn some of the terms?) is actively drinking and "hiding" it (hiding being a loose term, it's not like I don't know.) :P This affects the entire house negatively, as he'll go from his normal self one moment to his intoxicated self the next and it's like he channeled a ninja to do it. I don't even know where his stash is at this point--I've come upon his stuff (and literally by accident, I don't make a habit of seeking out where he hides his booze) on the reg over the years, so I guess his hiding places have gotten a little more inspired. I.e. to actually find it you'd have to like, actively be SEEKING it. It's anyone's guess where he's actually disappearing to in order to go get drunk... I swear it's like POOF here's drunk hubs. This is under my skin in ways I can't really explain, but I'm EXTREMELY bothered and feel as though I'm constantly on high alert. It's been hard to sleep because I'm that on edge--I feel like I can't drift off because I need to be present to keep an eye on the situation for my kids' sake.
This makes me feel strangely lonely in ways that spill over into my social life. I can't really seem to make friends because I'm uncomfortable opening up to people and I don't even talk candidly with existing friends (all of whom are relegated to text message, since none are local anymore and I don't use social media.) People also scare me and I've been pretty dispirited by them in recent years (working at Great Clips did NOT help.) This somewhat misanthropic phase (which has lasted YEARS) has tempered enough I'm more willing to take each person on a case by case basis and at least TRY to make connections, but I have SERIOUS trust issues and feel like I can't relate to 99.9% of humanity.
It's a bizarre feeling of floundering and it's like I'm existing in a paradox. I'm lonely because alcohol is my husband's REAL spouse. So I want friends, but kinda hate people and feel guarded around them partly because of my husband's alcoholism. I've made friends in the form of books, series, games and etc. that I enjoy, but those are only as safe and dependable as their adaptations. I've only been disappointed by the things I used to enjoy lately and now I don't know what I feel like watching, playing or reading beyond just zoning out to documentaries on Discovery+.
Outside of home, it feels to me--and maybe I'm misinterpreting it--that people barely even take note of my existence. Like if I just vanished into the ether tomorrow, the only people that could be bothered to notice would be my kids, my sister, and maybe my cat. Okay, maybe my husband would, too. (Although a lot of the time I feel like he doesn't even LIKE me, let alone would be all that bent if I evacuated the earth.) This is a little silly and dramatic, but hey--it's how I feel. This has been a nagging sensation since my mom died in November of 21.
I've really been missing my mom in particular since I always knew even for her 99 problems I could reach out to her and she'd immediately reach back, equally that she was always reaching out to me and wanting to connect. Her own drinking and other problems made that hard at times, but now I'd take her drinking and all the other crap if it meant she was back... *sigh*
I'd go to Al Anon, but it's beyond hard to get out of my house without the kids for a minute, let alone over an hour. My husband's spouse is alcohol and his mistress is his work. :P I'm basically stuck in the house unless I pay a babysitter (and I'm not exactly banking, being a stay at home mom beholden to hubs' wallet) or give extremely advance notice and continuous reminders.
Bottom line... I feel very cut off from the world around me and like my husband is my only friend. Meanwhile, even if I haven't turned up forensic evidence, per se, he's drinking a LOT so that's not a consistent thing. I feel like an ungrateful baby, but my feelings are what they are, I guess.
I guess that's it. I'm out, peace!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
Hi JanuaryStrlight 
Sorry to hear what brings you here. I'm sorry for your recent loss too.
I think its very important to maintain your own life, rather than just being an adjunct of your husbands life.
If you want to go to AlAnon, go -I see some of your kids must be going to school? is there a relative who could mind the young one for an hour or two? - you'll find a lot of people at AlAnon who understand and who want to help YOU? you may even find some friends in recovery
D
Sorry to hear what brings you here. I'm sorry for your recent loss too.
I think its very important to maintain your own life, rather than just being an adjunct of your husbands life.
If you want to go to AlAnon, go -I see some of your kids must be going to school? is there a relative who could mind the young one for an hour or two? - you'll find a lot of people at AlAnon who understand and who want to help YOU? you may even find some friends in recovery
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hi starlight
you',ll find plenty of company here from people who understand your feelings. Could you try online Al anon meetings? I went to my first online meeting a couple of weeks ago. Once I worked out how to download and use zoom it was quite easy. I really enjoyed having all those people in my house for an hour and a half, even if they were only on a screen. I was on mute and no picture most of the time because I couldn't work zoom. But no one minded. Takes anonymity to a whole a new level
I once found this passage in a dictionary as an example of how to use the word misanthrope
"She was going to join a group of misanthropes but realised she didn't like any of the members"
you',ll find plenty of company here from people who understand your feelings. Could you try online Al anon meetings? I went to my first online meeting a couple of weeks ago. Once I worked out how to download and use zoom it was quite easy. I really enjoyed having all those people in my house for an hour and a half, even if they were only on a screen. I was on mute and no picture most of the time because I couldn't work zoom. But no one minded. Takes anonymity to a whole a new level
I once found this passage in a dictionary as an example of how to use the word misanthrope
"She was going to join a group of misanthropes but realised she didn't like any of the members"
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I struggle with peopling, and there are times it's difficult for me to be around large groups. I do find that just going out of my house for a walk can help me feel less isolated. I've been a widow for a while now, so there's generally just me responsible. I tend to choose family friendly things to do so that I can bring children with me. Even if you're doing online meetings for AlAnon, it helps feel not so isolated.
Focusing on yourself and your children for a bit can really help.
Focusing on yourself and your children for a bit can really help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 36
@Dee74 @Amaranth @sage1969
thank you guys so much—I really appreciate you guys saying that, encouraging me to remember that this is truly a safe haven with understanding and supportive company, and equally for cluing me into the concept of online Al Anon meetings! I had no idea they did remote meetings, but I’ll definitely look into that. ❤️
All my hugs you guys and all my gratitude as well—equally my apologies for such a delayed reply! I hope everything is going well with all of you. 😘❤️
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo!
thank you guys so much—I really appreciate you guys saying that, encouraging me to remember that this is truly a safe haven with understanding and supportive company, and equally for cluing me into the concept of online Al Anon meetings! I had no idea they did remote meetings, but I’ll definitely look into that. ❤️
All my hugs you guys and all my gratitude as well—equally my apologies for such a delayed reply! I hope everything is going well with all of you. 😘❤️
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo!
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