JanuaryStrlight

Heyyooooo.

Long story longer, I have a tendency to compartmentalize anger or other negative emotions and just kind of stifle/bury them. I typically have an extremely long fuse, as well. (Unfortunately, this also means I blow spectacularly when I finally explode… hehhhh, my bad.) My husband’s drinking, however, has always been my nuclear button.

I got home from volunteering at the therapeutic riding center this evening a little off kilter (I static electricity shocked one of the horses and although it was just a minor static electricity zap it scared the poor guy out of his wits and I felt TERRIBLE about it, I was just distraught over the incident—I love animals and just ugh, it was awful) and my husband had clearly been drinking. He was slurring, failing to answer questions coherently, spilling food all over the floor, etc. My brother-in-law thankfully was there with the younger kids, otherwise I’d have been livid. In one of my husband’s mangled attempts at an answer to a simple question, I snapped at and raised my voice at him to repeat the question over my 10 month old son who was crying, and muttered a curse to myself. Husband didn’t even notice (legit how plowed he was.) I held my frustration in check from that point, though, and got the house cleaned up and the kids taken care of and put peacefully to bed. I then felt extremely embarrassed and guilty for raising my voice and openly expressing anger and frustration in front of my brother-in-law. He’s no stranger to the situation with my husband’s drinking, though, so I texted to apologize for my behavior and explained I have a very hard time when I suspect alcohol. I received a response of him understanding, but then a curt reminder to remember how it alienates those around me when alcohol *isn’t* involved.

I'm very flustered and hurt by this, considering that when I sat and thought about it to understand where this was coming from, I really don’t have much of a temper outside of the drinking. The drinking is really my one anger/self-guarding/especially protective of the kids trigger. My dad, bless him, lost his sh*t a LOT with us growing up, and while I completely understand him now, I do NOT want to do that with my kids.

For all my efforts, I have no idea where this came from. It’s not a habitual thing for me to flare up like that (asking my oldest daughter, who is 14 and with whom I have a very close relationship, she’s reassured me that I am indeed not prone to outbursts and am generally calm) and it seems strange that I need a reminder with regard to my temper’s effects on others. Not to mention that it feels like this feedback just compounds the unrealistic notion that I should have no weaknesses and remain completely non confrontational where the drinking is concerned. For everyone’s sake.

I’ve been fighting so hard to keep it together. The one year anniversary of my mother’s suicide is inbound in a week and that’s got me just about out of my skull—it’s so surreal to think she was still alive this time last year and she will never know my amazing, sweet, adorable, wonderful son. And it just breaks my heart daily to remember that when I see him and think of her. My husband’s drinking has been pretty well out of control for years and years and it just never gets or stays better. I get total sobriety isn’t always possible, but the amount of time he inevitably ends up spending completely incapacitated isn’t even remotely acceptable. I don’t want to end the marriage or leave my husband or anything of that nature, I love him and he is my best friend in all the world and for all his drinking creates a terrible and often volatile and dysfunctional relationship he is still a wonderful partner and father at his core. But it’s SO HARD and I feel SO alone. I can’t really talk to anyone about it… like my family outside of my sister is not a support system by even a generous stretch of a willing imagination, and I’ve been extremely isolated over the past year and a half in particular. Getting that text from my brother in law just made me feel even more alone and hopeless and like I’m just a dumb spare tire sitting in the middle of a hallway, getting in the way, looking unsightly and creating unpleasant fumes. In supporting an alcoholic I really feel sometimes that people forget what their loved ones go through and put up with and overcome. If they falter, it’s frequently instant vilification because like, how dare they? Their qualifiers are sick after all, right? They have no right to anger or anything else with them. Maybe not a logical assessment or interpretation of those around me, but d*mn, it feels that way sometimes.

Anyway, just feeling hurt and flustered and alone. And like I really don’t have anyone except my husband, which seems kind of like a snake eating its tail in this particular sitch. I miss my mom SO MUCH I can’t believe I can still get up and move under the weight of it.

To try to deal with my hurt feelings and maybe avoid future flare ups, I’m going to join a running group and try to start making more friends, even if they’re just shallow acquaintances since let’s be real, I don’t really trust people. And talk to my therapist, hug and play with my kids extra, enjoy the horses for the last week of this volunteering session, and decorate for Christmas a little early. Read my book. Play Sonic Frontiers. Yeah. Sounds good.

Thank you all for listening and I apologize if this whole thing sounded stupid and totally un-self aware and self-pitying. Lots of love and hopes all is going well for everyone.

ToughChoices

An unreliable partner sucks. Unrealistic expectations from that addicted partner's family members suck. Living with active addiction, especially after the immense loss of your mother sucks. All of this sucks.

So you get angry. That's understandable. I got REALLY angry, too.

But you can't make your partner reliable, you can't make your partner's family members understand your viewpoint/struggle, and you can't control active addiction.

I was angry because I was putting a HUGE amount of effort into controlling that which was completely outside of my control. I ended up emanating anger and righteous indignation from every pore. It wasn't an attractive character trait for me, but I got even more angry when friends or family would point it out. Because, in my mind, I wasn't the one with the problem!!! He was!!!

Except, he didn't really see it as a problem. And my life was one big ball of fear and rage and longing.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. Your husband's disease is killing your family and harming your soul.

You sound like a bright, kind-hearted woman and an excellent partner. You deserve the same, but you cannot force someone to accept that role.

Show yourself some kindness. Consider Al-Anon. That program may allow you to find peace through radical acceptance of your husband's drinking or quiet detachment with an eye towards separation.

There isn't one perfect path out of this pain, but YOU are the one who's going to have to start walking.

This is a wonderful place to find support and understanding. I'm glad that you've found us.
Praying for you and your sweet family,
TC

Achnasheen

Oh my dear Januarystrlight, hugs and complete understanding for how you are feeling - you are coping with a lot and doing it without very much in the way of support. You're only human and this situation will eventually crack the strongest people. I believe you are allowed a little self-pity! Your in-law doesn't experience your AH the same way you do, not even close.
For myself, after coping for decades with AH's drinking, I am triggered into anger if I even hear a beer being opened; he doesn't even have to be drunk - I'm just beyond done with the whole situation. His friends and family too think that I should continue to put up with the drinking - but they don't have to live with him. When he drinks and drives, it's not their entire life savings at stake. So it's easy for them to judge me and decide I'm over-reacting. After all, he's such a great guy for them to be around, he's funny and kind to them. He doesn't treat them to stonewalling. He doesn't manipulate them, or lie to them. They don't have to share finances with him.
I've been attending an online CoDA meeting weekly. I find that it really helps to talk to other people who are struggling with the same issues that I am. Maybe you could find an in-person or online CoDA or Alanon group, that would give you some support.
Hugs to you - and I hope you find some extra support to help you cope.

trailmix

Hi January. Ok, well that actually sounds like hell to be honest.

What your BIL said " but then a curt reminder to remember how it alienates those around me when alcohol *isn’t* involved". Strange wording but I guess he is saying if you show anger around others regarding alcohol, it tarnishes you in general?

Isn't that sweet and helpful.

Perhaps the reason (and yes, this is a guess) he would say that is not about one unruly moment you had, I suspect your husband has a great deal to say about how you "nag" him about your drinking, that you are always angry. That's your trigger and I'm sure you two have words about it quite often.

That may not be how the world really sees you but you have a Husband with an addiction and that may indeed be the way he sees you (your Husband).

He loves his drinks more than you, more than your children, more than his family and more than himself. So when Husband's (or wives) up and leave and people are blindsided, this is can be the kind of scenario where that happens. What, he left ME? After all I put up with, for years - well yes, you can very easily become the enemy when you try to come between an addict and his drug of choice.

Just remember that you can't control any of this, you can only control yourself and that what is going on in his alcoholic mind may not be what you think. Alcoholism is progressive. If the continues to drink this is going to get worse.

I'm not trying to make you paranoid, please know that, but I would also hate to see you blindsided.

Alcoholics, generally, make terrible parents. Aside from the fact half the time they can't talk intelligently or function intelligently, the example given to children is not a good one. Mom lives with a man who doesn't even treat her nicely a lot of the time but she does everything to help him. They argue but nothing changes, he ignores her.

What that translates to is you stay loyal and long suffering no matter how badly someone treats you because, hey, that's the way relationships are you know? And you don't just walk away from someone because they aren't treating you with kindness, respect and compassion.

I am sorry if this sounds really blunt, I didn't want to sugar coat it. Your situation is close to as bad as it gets with an alcoholic and you are isolated. I'm glad you are joining a running group, its a good first step.

sage1969

I have discovered that when I get really angry, it's an indication that I've allowed my personal boundaries to be breached. Once I'm no longer angry, I have to take a good look at who, what, why, as well as the boundary itself. Many times I find that the boundary was realistic and that I just allowed my codie behaviors a foothold.