Enkhecho

Dear members? I hope we all agree that this forum is our safehaven. The more I read here the more see that we all have similar backgrounds of chilhood. Otherwise we woulnt be here. If you wouldnt mind, could you please share your story how did you meet your alcoholic men? Were you raised in dysfunctional family including very poor setting, huge family feuds due to step mother or step father o extended step family, or alcohol involved? or domestic abuse? Or you were scared from uncle and aunts when you were child because they hit you. For me, never drink and my parents never drink. My father later inlife occasionally socially drunk. But I was raised in family feuds due to extended step family. My mom and dad went for work nigt and day. I had three older half siblings and we lived in big communal yard with several houses where we shared garbage bin and toilet outside. I remember whenI was younger that I was scared to death from my uncle who is my father's half sibling. My parents were hard working people due to their work. we children grew up absent. Only our father's family. There is always tension among my oldest siblings and my fathersside of family.Always tensions and sometomes physical fights. Now im an adul. since young child I was so shy quite and timid. I m not assertive at work or with friends. Not social that much eighther. Never married but was attracted to unavailable men including one alcohilic. Something very wrong. until recently I never understood why do I have poor self esteem or so timid kn social setting. Bug 2 years ago first time I was listening to phychologysts lecture understood how childhood experience can influnce in adulthood life. Do you feel same?

Seren

Hello Enkhecho,

I am sorry you are upset that no one has replied to your thread so far. In the US it is a holiday weekend (Friday was Veterans Day). There are fewer people on the forums on the weekends, and this is especially true during a holiday weekend.

I think every human is a product of their childhood experiences. However, not everyone who was raised in a dysfunctional or abusive household turns out to be an alcoholic or codependent. Sometimes, people don't know that the way they were raised was bad because they have never experienced anything else.

It's also true that even children who were raised in a loving and supportive home can have problems as adults. But I do believe that those of us who were raised in an alcoholic or codependent household have more problems as adults.

sage1969

As Seren mentioned, as we're all products of our childhoods, I've found it worthwhile to do a deep dive into my personality type, my attachment type, my perceptions between love and limerance, reasons why I have fallen into relationships with "push - pull" dynamics -- there are many factors why children develop the way they do. I've learned a great deal about myself by reading the stickies and also finding additional reading outside SR.

dbyrer

I grew up in a T-total household. In a dry town in a dry county. Great parents, decent siblings, wonderful childhood. After I had 3 miserable relationships with alcoholics, I did a little digging. Found out my dad's dad became a T-totaller in response to alcoholism in his family of origin. A family we interacted with very little when I was a kid. At least 6 of my 1st cousins died of alcohol-related causes, two siblings married addicts and I have come to realize that if I like and feel comfortable with someone, they are about 95% likely to be an alcoholic. Always wondered if that would have been different if we had been aware of the history in the family rather than growing up thinking the opposite.

velma929

I had a pretty nice childhood, actually. Supportive parents who set clear boundaries.

A couple things worked against me. I was shy and had poor self esteem - weirdly, no adult in my sphere seemed to notice how poor it was. As a young woman I was pretty promiscuous, hoping sex would cause some fellow to fall in love with me. I got past that - but when I met AH, I was pretty much convinced if I didn't marry him, I might spend the rest of my life alone. I dove in and hoped that his drinking was a temporary thing. I thought he'd outgrow it. He didn't.

The other thing: my Dad sometimes drank too much. I can only actually remember a couple instances, but it did factor into my thought process judging my alcoholic fiance's as "not that bad."

Alcoholic husband came from a family of tee-totalers. No idea where his drinking habit originated. He was in Southeast Asia during the Viet Nam conflict, but he spent the year in an office elsewhere in Asia.

I am child free by choice. Regarding dbyrer's experience: I haven't a clue how parents would walk the tightrope of not exposing kids to chaos in alcoholic homes, and alert them to the dangers. I guess, once kids got to a certain age (13? 14? ) tell them the truth: "We don't go to Aunt Sophie's house because she and Uncle Bob are always drunk." Actually, I was unaware of the existence of one of my own aunts until the age of 12 or so. Her husband couldn't put five words together without using profanity, and my parents never took us to visit them. I met her once, at my grandfather's funeral.

Hatguysgirl

I personally did not grow up in an alcoholic home, but, my mother has serious mental health issues. My AH also has mental health issues, which covered up a lot of the issues with addiction for many years. Now his mental health is better (he has medication that keeps him stable) the addictions have become unbearable. Its kind of funny how I could deal with the mental health issues because at least he was working on them, but now the addictions are ending our relationship. The addictions are definitely affecting his mental health, but in new, really awful ways, and at least currently he is unwilling to work on them.

MyGirlGracie

I grew up in a very controlled household. My parents did not drink (Dad on rare occasions), BUT my father was sexually and emotionally abusive to me and my sister and all in the house feared him which included my Mom. I feel all of the childhood trauma formed how I developed adult relationships. I am in a 20-year relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic and find myself (not surprisingly) in a co-dependent bond. Trying to change all of those learned responses from childhood is the hardest and saddest thing I have EVER tackled. It is like unlearning to hold your breath when going underwater and I struggle every day with it.