VickersLemmy

Hi, I wrote here in August, left my alcoholic ex boyfriend behind. A long, tumultuous story full of heartache and woe. I'm days away from finishing at my nice ocean resort housekeeping job. I've been doing okay, having ups and downs in mood swings as I try to resettle myself. The small staff crew of 8-12 are really nice people. My sister has been great in helping me.

This morning, I woke to find my ex had emailed me through a different email at 2-3AM (one that wasn't blocked so I received it) that he was going to kill himself. And hours later, he emailed again saying only 'I'm sorry. I didn't kill myself, I've just been under a lot of stress and handled it badly. I'm out on the street now, sad story, etc.'

My resort manager has been great, they gave me the day off. I was supposed to have tomorrow off, but she kindly switched my schedule and my sister is picking up my workload today (it isn't much, we have only 4 resort guests). I'm completely blindsided, I feel so guilty, if he hadn't written back saying he was still alive, I'd think he was dead. I feel sick to my stomach, i lost a friend Jasmine to suicide and I still carry that guilt from her passing and I can't take on more guilt if my ex does harm himself. I keep off and on crying, trying to fight off panic attacks.

I'm trying, its hard. Everyone here at work is really nice, giving me hugs while I keep it together. Its just hard, my ex would always tell me I'm overreacting or I'm just too sensitive. My head is full of his toxic words and with his email threat, I think I am overreacting. I've saved my google writing documents and completely closed that email account he knows is mine. I've done as full as a retreat as I can, still blocked him on Facebook.

I'm a mess and I feel so alone and I don't want him to die

Bernadette

Hi Vickers,
I'm a mess and I feel so alone and I don't want him to die

None of us want anyone to die! All of us on here want the best for the As in our lives, in fact we get sick trying to force what we think of as the best for the A on the A!

There's no way to un-see what he sent you. And your reaction is not because you are "over sensitive." It's terrible that he used a term like that to bludgeon you in the past. Any normal human being is going to be very upset finding that message in their inbox. It's the most provocative thing a person can say to another.

I'll just say that it was very very manipulative of him, and that, rationally, objectively, and MOST helpfully, the only responsible response to that type of email is call police/EMS to do a wellness check if you know his whereabouts. And it will never, ever, ever be your fault if he harms himself.

Not responding at all is also your right! I hope the further blocking of his access to you will eliminate this kind of manipulation once and for all.

All his choices, all his suffering, are outside your control.

Have you ever read "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk? It really opened my eyes to how a traumatic trigger just blasts you right back into the dynamic of the original stress and trauma, making it hard to respond rationally. The book really explores a lot of proven options for types of therapy and practices that can break you out of that "flooded" response pattern.

Glad you got the day off - hope you got some sunshine and surf sounds and reminded yourself that all is well, that you are safe, and that you can only control your own choices and your own peace of mind. The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B.

advbike

Excellent words above from Bernadette. I can only reiterate that nothing about this is, or would be your fault. You did so much for him and tried so hard only to suffer terribly at the hands of he and his family. You have no control over what he does so there should be zero guilt, especially after how he treated you at the end, which is despicable. It's his choice to continue his craziness and addictive behavior so he will suffer the consequences accordingly. He is a user, abuser and manipulative. You can wish the best for him but please try to let go of any feelings of care or concern, as that tends to hold us back and keep us from moving on - something I have issues with myself. Be glad you escaped! I am so glad were are able to find happiness there in your resort, and have blocked him fully I wish the best for you in your recovery from this situation, VickersLemmy.

trailmix

Hi VL, I'm really glad you came back to post.

So my question to you is, why do you feel guilty? I mean really I know why, you have taken it upon yourself to be responsible for him, but what I mean is, have you really examined why you feel that way?

You're working at a resort miles away and he's wherever he is, he decides to dramatically email you, to an email you don't expect him to write to, threatening to kill himself, and you feel guilty?

He wrote back, "I'm sorry" - he apologized because he did something wrong, ok that's correct behaviour. So he did something pretty horrible (to you) apologized because he knew that - and yet you feel guilty?

You can probably kind of see where I'm going with this. Have you thought that maybe your feelings of guilt are out of place? You have no more power to stop him from doing whatever it is he will do, than I do. He is going to do what he is going to do. You are not his life long care giver, you never were and were never meant to be, he is.

His life is his side of the street, yours is yours. It's codependency and that's not a great mind space to be in. I don't know what happened to your friend and why she committed suicide, but you do know, logically, I hope, that was her decision.

You can't take the woes of the world on your shoulders, everyone's life problems are not yours to solve. We help people as we can and when we aren't able to, or they don't want our help, we back off and let them be. We have to respect the choices people make, just as we would hope they respect our choices.

I hope that helps a bit. Hope maybe it gives you a little different perspective.

Free2bme888

The Battle Isn't Yours To Fight

You can't make me clean though I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction.



I can learn from my own experience. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my own choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.



I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.



You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction.



The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping" me, the person ... falls prey to the addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down the person in me a little more each time.



I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.



The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free. Free to fall in order to find the strength to get back up and fight back to break free.



How can or will I ever be able to get clean.



The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF



By allowing me to reach rock bottom you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I learn to love myself. The more I learn to love myself the more I will do to better myself.



I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...



Please for the sake of the person in me, move out of the way and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom. Pray for me that when I do hit that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.



Nytepassion

Recovering Addict

Eauchiche

Can you contact the authorities where he lives and report this? Here they call it a "51/50."
Having him evaluated after such a threat might help him and would leave you out of it.

VickersLemmy

Thank you to all who posted a reply - it was a good dose of reality and reassurance that I wasn't overreacting. My resort job finished a week ago and I'm at the family homestead. I'm here for one more week before I'm moving to the nearby mine operation camp, I'm set up to work till the Spring at the mine as housekeeper. I know the job, its familiar, the men are nice and respectful, I have a few co-workers still there, one of whom are in my support circle. It'll be great to get comfortable around men again, I'm only worried they'll see how much I've changed and in a bad way. This 2 weeks off between jobs is much needed, its nice to be around my whole family again.

I spent a couple hours after my thread post in my room at the resort, crying it all out. I was scared, I couldn't believe Keynan would write such a visceral email. Because of my withdrawl from his life, it felt like he was holding me accountable for his life and his circumstances. My sister came to visit me, helped me realize that whatever he was offering, I didn't have to accept it. Reading your replies, I realized that no, I wasn't being oversensitive. I was simply allowing him to affect me still, even after a full retreat from him and his toxicity. I'm still upset over my friend's suicide, Jasmine, my old highschool friend. The idea of bearing another loved one to such a fate, especially one I was romantically involved with, it was terrifying. Jasmine had reached out to me a few times when she was visiting the city I was in. I was dealing with a very traumatic event at the time, I had been drinking to excess, going to bars, treating myself like garbage. I had been date raped, and it was my first sexual experience. I was so ashamed at how badly I was dealing with my life, I didn't want to see anyone who knew me. They'd comment, ask what was wrong and I'd cry. I was so busy focused on trying to self-medicate and block out what happened to me and any questions about my change, it'd make me think of it. So I never made time to see Jasmine, she eventually stopped reaching out. She stopped reaching out, and one morning, she ended her life. She had a beautiful four year old daughter and it seemed she was expecting again, at the time of. I miss her a lot, I wish I'd made time for her, maybe just once. Her daughter has grown up, she looks so much like Jasmine.

The Lodge resort staff, they all eat lunch together at 12noon everyday. I heard them downstairs, talking, laughing. I'd run into three of them as I was scrambling to get permission to have the day off. I told a couple of the bear guides what had happened, to give the other's a headsup that I was going to be wonky all day. It took about 10 minutes, but I gathered my courage and went dowstairs to join them. I sat on the couch, watching as one of the guides did a brief presentation on bears. It took a lot, being present but I knew hiding and isolation wasn't ideal. The dinner chef, he got up and started doing dishes. We always do the staff lunch dishes together so I went over and helped him like I normally do.

Finding my usual routine, it seemed to help me pick myself up mentally and as the afternoon wore on, I started being more social. I asked to accompany the guide assigned to do bear scouting and we went off in the boat. It was freeing, being out on the water, removed from everything but nature.

The next day I was working again, though a bit out of it and withdrawn. The dinner chef, he was playing his music as he prepped for lunch. He was playing 80's music that day. I started singing along, started feeling more like myself. I love music, singing. Eventually as the day wore on, I managed to get over the mental mountain of not holding myself responsible for anyone else but myself.

I'm happy to say I've managed to get over Keynan's email. He said he was homeless, sleeping on the streets. He's an unreliable narrator now, most of what he says was probably a lie to get me to scurry back to him to help him. Without knowing where is is, exactly, I didn't think I could call the police or 911 since I don't know where he is. I made do with writing to his closest family in the city, asking to check in on him or call for assitance if they knew his whereabouts. I then blocked that family member. I feel I've done my due diligence and whatever happens, its nothing to do with me.

I went to a good bookstore and bought a copy of "Codependent no more" and its a great read. I'm finding myself receptive and interested in the writings. In the past, if I started to read a self-help book of this nature, I'd be bristly and low level angry. I wouldn't be receptive to the contents and feel bitter at even thinking this book would be for me. So that I'm reading Melody's book so well, its a good indicator of my willingness to change.

My heart still faintly aches at times, wondering if Keynan is doing alright. Not in a 'rush to save him or fix him' kind of way, but just wondering. I loved this person, and now I'm not even sure if any of it was real. I loved an illusion, maybe. Everything he presented to me, it now seems it was just a facade for me to provide him with a comfortable life for himself. None of it seemed real now. I loved a shadow. "The Battle isn't Yours to Fight" - that really helped me, it made me cry and cry. I must stay away, let him hit rock bottom or else he'll just recycle his pattern of addiction-seeking through relationships and strain his friendships to keep drinking. He's being fueled by alcoholism and would do anything to secure that lifestyle. I'll keep him blocked and keep rebuilding myself. All that love I gave him, I need to direct it to myself. I gave and gave and left no love for myself.

I'm taking it day by day, sleeping in as well as I can. I want to go back to working, it fills up the days and keeps my mind of things. Night time is worse, I have bad dreams, or I snap awake suddenly in the night, fully awake. No dreams or nightmares I can remember, I'm just vaulted into wakefullness and it takes a while to fall back asleep. I won't know my work schedule until I get to the mine next week, after that, I can plan to set up therapy and committ to a regular schedule.

I've started to walk around my hometown, only a couple stores but its a start. People are genuinely happy to see me, I've gotten hugs. Tomorrow I'm going to the local karaoke with my sister and my sister-in-law. We're meeting a couple of my friends there. I'm looking forward to it, though I'm not sure I'll sing. I used to be the first one up at the mic, I love singing so much. I'm practicing at home, if I get up there, I'll have levelled up in confidence.

Thanks for reading, and the help. I have a lot of work to do, but it really really helps to know I'm not alone.

trailmix

No you are absolutely not alone.

Well, all in all it sounds like you are really coping admirably well! It's a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes, some good days, some not so good, but it seems you do try to look for those good things and that will take you a long way toward healing.

I was reading an article yesterday on family members that blame other family members for their life - troubles. Basically what was said is that (and I always kind of thought this) is that when you have someone who has depended on you (as your ex did for example) some people, later on, don't really separate themselves from the other person per se. They see them as the person who always puts their needs first (like a child does, like your ex did).

Therefore, when you step back or step away, you are considered to be neglectful and all kinds of awful. You can be blamed for their burnt dinner or them living on the streets, doesn't really matter.

If the other person can't see you as separate from them, not their caregiver, not their only support - but a separate person just trying to do the best THEY can, whatever that is and however they operate (based on their personality and upbringing and all those things) then you will get blamed.

It can be hard not to take it personally. But it's not. It never hurts to look at that though to see if what part we had in that, if any.

My best friend from high school also killed herself. We had kept in touch on and off. I heard about it and spoke to her Sister, it was basically the breakdown of her marriage that pushed her over the edge. Of course I asked myself at the time, what if I had talked to her more, what if I had called. I quickly dismissed that. She was a grown woman and I am certainly not powerful enough to have changed what she wanted to do. She had other support, she made her choice. I'm so sorry it happened, but it had nothing to do with me.

I think, thinking otherwise, that you can save a friend from suicide or a boyfriend who is intent on drugging themselves is unrealistic.

(oh and the karaoke - sing!!)

Kokoro

What a horribly manipulative thing to do. My ex pulled that crap too. Please I hope he is blocked everywhere or even consider just changing your contact details entirely (I had to change my email, stupid blocking always sent stuff to spam).

I hope you are feeling better?