timj120

So my wife spent the entire afternoon drinking. Passed out on the couch at 7:30, got up went threw up in the bathroom, then passed out until midnight and went to bed until 9am.

im thinking that today was going to be bad, her hungover very irritable, sullen, on edge etc. which is her typical day after.

but it’s the opposite, made a big breakfast, did two loads of dishes, threw in some laundry. She’s in a great mood.

Anyone experience this? Is she compensating? Does she feel that great? Does any of this matter to me? Should it?

dandylion

tim...my guess is that she still has enough of an alcohol blood level from her drinking of last evening----that, she hadn't reached "hangover" level, yet
Yes, I have seen this.
Yes, she is probably feeling that good---due to still being intoxicated. When the blood alcohol level drops to a low level or zero, she won't feel very good.

Sounds, to me, like you are helicoptering her---sort of like a "helicopter mother" monitors their kids.
Personally, I would think that she drinks until she vomits is a much more concerning behavior.

timj120

Thanks, I’m absolutely helicoptering. Feels like I’m watching a reality tv show and I’m looking for clues, etc.

doing it for months, I’m finally aware just today through this site that this is unhealthy for me, her, kids, family. Decided to go out, do a little shopping, clear my head, center myself.

her family is now fully aware of the situation. I really didn’t want to involve the parents yet, because as expected they’re ready to jump in and tell her what she needs to do, books to read, meds to ask about, etc. I’m trying to get them hold back and work together on a plan.

advbike

Sometimes when they throw up, the booze goes with it instead of being processed by the system.

Or, she might be having morning drinks. Considering all she consumes, that's usually where it goes from here.

Sorry about your situation. Just read your posts. It does sound like she needs rehab and treatment for the anxiety.

dandylion

Yes, morning drinks are another possibility, as avbike suggests. Don't assume that you would necessarily know about morning drinks, either.

sage1969

With my XABF, it seemed like he drank in the morning before he went to work, worked early hours til about 4, then resumed drinking once home. He'd always seemed very curt if I spoke to him while at work (which at the time I'd chalked up to him being busy), but now I know that if he was unable to drink in the morning, he was surly, argumentative, and suffering from nausea and "the shakes." If he could start drinking first thing (on weekends), he generally was jovial and did a lot around the house and garage through the day, but always had a beer at hand.

I think symptoms vary from alcoholic to alcoholic, and how far along they've progressed in their disease.

Gettingcloser

I agree with the opinion that she could still be drinking. For me, I would get up and run around cleaning and doing other related tasks because of the guilt and shame I felt about my behavior from the day/night before.

timj120

Well I was getting ready for bed, she came to me and said “hey, I’m sorry for being a puddle last night, it was unintentional and uncool, I just wanted to say sorry to you”.

I thanked her for apologizing and didn’t say anything else. She stared at me “are you annoyed?”

no I said, I was last night. “Why didn’t you tell me you were annoyed today”

I’m thinking but didn’t say “as if that’s ever gone over well and what’s even the point?

She just walked away in a huff.

after a couple of days here I feel like this is addict behaviors yes?

dandylion

tim....absolutely, it is. It seems like she has learned that an apology is her "get out of jail card". The alcoholic learns us and where our hot buttons are---then can use that to their advantage. They can manipulate us with it.

ToughChoices

I always apologized after behaving badly. And did a lot of housework 😜. But when I was ready to be different I stopped talking and started doing.

You are correct to be leery. She is behaving as I did when in active addiction.

I am so sorry for the pain and confusion this must create. You cannot make her understand this pain - she’s in the midst of her own.

Thinking of you.

-TC

PeacefulWater12

I often see a quote that says -

"an apology without changed behaviour is manipulation".

Hawkeye13

She may be feeling guilty, she may be trying to reset status quo since you were not just accepting her apology but seeing it for the manipulation it is (alcoholics have very good radar if their BS is working or not most of the time).

I also (as a former drinker) suspect there is some drinking happening in the morning and very likely alcohol hidden in the house to top up her buzz in the morning. I remember when I started doing that and thought I was so clever to be “fooling” my spouse and proving how productive (dare I say “functional”) I was to myself, but it was just more addictive lies to myself and others. . .

trailmix

Absolutely it is. But the proof is in the pudding (or puddle?) she will be just as drunk again tonight, will there be another apology tomorrow? It doesn't really matter, it changes nothing for you.