One of the hardest parts of getting over exAH
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One of the hardest parts of getting over exAH
Hi everyone 
I have now been out of my relationship with my exAH for 9 or 10 months ( it is awesome that I can't keep track now )... and on April 9th our divorce will be official. I still have hard days.... well not even days I would say hard moments. In looking back the hardest part about navigating the healing for me was feeling like I almost had to grieve 2 people. Here is what I mean by that.
#1 The jerk husband who said and did horrible things. The husband who belittled me and cheated on me and lied to me. The husband who left me with a 45min notice when he was hammered and left me to pay for all of our debt , bills and rent. The husband who by leaving the state forced me to get a paralegal and spend an additional $2,000 to get divorced. The husband who would get drunk and tell me he was in love with other women (puke)... the husband who would tell me I was annoying and that no one liked me that they just pretended to like me. (not true) ... The husband who got so drunk in the car at the hospital when I had Covid and a 103 fever that the Dr. kicked him out.... The husband who got a hit and run while driving drunk and totalled our car.... the husband who stole liquor from cabinets of houses we were looking at to buy and snuck swigs of vodka in the bathroom while I was upstairs with our realtor... This nightmare of a man who drained me financially, mentally and emotionally...... Grieving this part of him was relieving but tough. Letting this part go took forgiveness for myself mostly. Allowing the little girl in me to process the emotional pain of this. I mean these are just a few examples but the daily life of this was bad as well...I had to understand the crab in boiling crock pot theory so I could forgive myself ... It was slow boil until one day I realized I was being abused. It took a lot of crying and nausea and feeling icky in my own skin. Emotional rape is what it felt like in a way and grieving this part of him felt physical in a sense. It was like along with my mind my body had to purge how I felt. However, there was a whole other man to grieve....
#2 The man who when sober or in my case "less drunk" felt like my best friend... the man who would lay in bed with me on a Sunday morning after a busy work weekend and laugh with me and make love to me. The man who would hold me at night while we fell asleep watching shows. The man who for whatever reason at some point I felt protected with. The man who would go to my dads and fix electrical issues ( he is an electrician ) ... The man who would push my mom in her wheelchair down the boardwalk and be playful with her despite her amputations. The man who loved my cat and would be ok that my cat slept in the bed... The man who was funny... who teared up watching the Olympics .... The man who talked to homeless people with me and would never judge ... I also felt like I had to grieve this part of him... This part was for me a softer grieving... a slower grieving... This part still brings tears to my eyes as I am writing this. This was the part I felt my soul had the grieve... it feels deeper in my heart somehow....
What I realized is when we would fight and break up and make up for all those years and i would let him back in it was because I wasn't grieving both parts of him. I would go into "he is such a jerk mode" and process that but I would still crave and miss that softer side of him and when he would ask for me back I just wanted that person back. Or I would grieve the softer side of him but still have so many unanswered questions about the lies and the hurt and the drunk and confusing moments that I would want to hash that out with him still....
I almost feel like getting over an alcoholic is 2 fold... It is like there are 2 people to grieve ...wrapped up in one body. I can with confidence say that I am over the hump in letting go of both parts and the chances of me ever going back are zero. I also am finally at a place where I see "us" in a different light... I am so happy to be no contact and to only have moments where I still tear up. I went from crying so much I didn't think I would be normal again to tearing up for 10 min or so a handful of times a week.... It does get better...
I have now been out of my relationship with my exAH for 9 or 10 months ( it is awesome that I can't keep track now )... and on April 9th our divorce will be official. I still have hard days.... well not even days I would say hard moments. In looking back the hardest part about navigating the healing for me was feeling like I almost had to grieve 2 people. Here is what I mean by that.
#1 The jerk husband who said and did horrible things. The husband who belittled me and cheated on me and lied to me. The husband who left me with a 45min notice when he was hammered and left me to pay for all of our debt , bills and rent. The husband who by leaving the state forced me to get a paralegal and spend an additional $2,000 to get divorced. The husband who would get drunk and tell me he was in love with other women (puke)... the husband who would tell me I was annoying and that no one liked me that they just pretended to like me. (not true) ... The husband who got so drunk in the car at the hospital when I had Covid and a 103 fever that the Dr. kicked him out.... The husband who got a hit and run while driving drunk and totalled our car.... the husband who stole liquor from cabinets of houses we were looking at to buy and snuck swigs of vodka in the bathroom while I was upstairs with our realtor... This nightmare of a man who drained me financially, mentally and emotionally...... Grieving this part of him was relieving but tough. Letting this part go took forgiveness for myself mostly. Allowing the little girl in me to process the emotional pain of this. I mean these are just a few examples but the daily life of this was bad as well...I had to understand the crab in boiling crock pot theory so I could forgive myself ... It was slow boil until one day I realized I was being abused. It took a lot of crying and nausea and feeling icky in my own skin. Emotional rape is what it felt like in a way and grieving this part of him felt physical in a sense. It was like along with my mind my body had to purge how I felt. However, there was a whole other man to grieve....
#2 The man who when sober or in my case "less drunk" felt like my best friend... the man who would lay in bed with me on a Sunday morning after a busy work weekend and laugh with me and make love to me. The man who would hold me at night while we fell asleep watching shows. The man who for whatever reason at some point I felt protected with. The man who would go to my dads and fix electrical issues ( he is an electrician ) ... The man who would push my mom in her wheelchair down the boardwalk and be playful with her despite her amputations. The man who loved my cat and would be ok that my cat slept in the bed... The man who was funny... who teared up watching the Olympics .... The man who talked to homeless people with me and would never judge ... I also felt like I had to grieve this part of him... This part was for me a softer grieving... a slower grieving... This part still brings tears to my eyes as I am writing this. This was the part I felt my soul had the grieve... it feels deeper in my heart somehow....
What I realized is when we would fight and break up and make up for all those years and i would let him back in it was because I wasn't grieving both parts of him. I would go into "he is such a jerk mode" and process that but I would still crave and miss that softer side of him and when he would ask for me back I just wanted that person back. Or I would grieve the softer side of him but still have so many unanswered questions about the lies and the hurt and the drunk and confusing moments that I would want to hash that out with him still....
I almost feel like getting over an alcoholic is 2 fold... It is like there are 2 people to grieve ...wrapped up in one body. I can with confidence say that I am over the hump in letting go of both parts and the chances of me ever going back are zero. I also am finally at a place where I see "us" in a different light... I am so happy to be no contact and to only have moments where I still tear up. I went from crying so much I didn't think I would be normal again to tearing up for 10 min or so a handful of times a week.... It does get better...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya....I think that sharing your experience with the grieving process, after the "worst" has happens, gives a picture of how grieving can unfold.
I remember, that, one time, after the worst and most painful break-up of my life, the time frame for when I felt (mostly)unburdened from the grief was about exactly like yours.
I think that one thing that helped me the most is that he moved to another city which made "getting back together" not possible. It was like a "forced" no contact. Had he stayed close and available----it would have been much, much harder for me to complete the grieving. The pain was so intense, at first that I think I would have "caved" over and over again.
Moving away was necessary for his career----but it was the best thing that he could have done for me----at the time, I felt like it was the worst thing that could ever have happened|
I remember, that, one time, after the worst and most painful break-up of my life, the time frame for when I felt (mostly)unburdened from the grief was about exactly like yours.
I think that one thing that helped me the most is that he moved to another city which made "getting back together" not possible. It was like a "forced" no contact. Had he stayed close and available----it would have been much, much harder for me to complete the grieving. The pain was so intense, at first that I think I would have "caved" over and over again.
Moving away was necessary for his career----but it was the best thing that he could have done for me----at the time, I felt like it was the worst thing that could ever have happened|
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I agree with RunningScared that it is the memory of the 'Good times" t hat m akes grieving sooo difficult.
I am thiinking that the good times is what had us in the relationship, in the first place.
Not that there is abuse in every failed relationship, of course----but, I can see the parallel to this in the classic "Cycle of Abuse". The thing that keeps a person so stuck in the Cycle is the good parts, between the times of abusing. If the perpetrator was abusive all of the time---more people would run straight away!
I am thiinking that the good times is what had us in the relationship, in the first place.
Not that there is abuse in every failed relationship, of course----but, I can see the parallel to this in the classic "Cycle of Abuse". The thing that keeps a person so stuck in the Cycle is the good parts, between the times of abusing. If the perpetrator was abusive all of the time---more people would run straight away!
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Kaya....I think that sharing your experience with the grieving process, after the "worst" has happens, gives a picture of how grieving can unfold.
I remember, that, one time, after the worst and most painful break-up of my life, the time frame for when I felt (mostly)unburdened from the grief was about exactly like yours.
I think that one thing that helped me the most is that he moved to another city which made "getting back together" not possible. It was like a "forced" no contact. Had he stayed close and available----it would have been much, much harder for me to complete the grieving. The pain was so intense, at first that I think I would have "caved" over and over again.
Moving away was necessary for his career----but it was the best thing that he could have done for me----at the time, I felt like it was the worst thing that could ever have happened|
I remember, that, one time, after the worst and most painful break-up of my life, the time frame for when I felt (mostly)unburdened from the grief was about exactly like yours.
I think that one thing that helped me the most is that he moved to another city which made "getting back together" not possible. It was like a "forced" no contact. Had he stayed close and available----it would have been much, much harder for me to complete the grieving. The pain was so intense, at first that I think I would have "caved" over and over again.
Moving away was necessary for his career----but it was the best thing that he could have done for me----at the time, I felt like it was the worst thing that could ever have happened|
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Originally Posted by RunningScared
Thank you for your story. I've found one of the hardest parts of ending a bad relationship is that there were good parts to it also. These things take time. Treat yourself well.
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I relate to what you share. I understand it is called "Cognitive Dissonance" where our brain struggles because it cannot process how a person can be two so different personas.
Our brains need a person to be one way or another to be able to process what has happened. Two reconcile the nasty and the nice versions of the same person is much harder so takes us longer.
For sure, No Contact is the only way to heal. Each time contact is renewed, it puts the recovery process right back to the start again. The horrible flood of the chemical cycle in our bodies starts again then we have to go through fresh withdrawals. Exactly the same as when a sober person drinks again.
As my time away from late AH builds (about a year now) I am starting to see that what I had considered the "nice" version of him wasn't "nice" at all. He was just less nasty than usual. He wasn't "nice" by the standards of a healthy partner. At all. My standards had dropped to the basement! Well below the basement!
Thank you for sharing about this subject, Kaya. Good to talk about it.
Our brains need a person to be one way or another to be able to process what has happened. Two reconcile the nasty and the nice versions of the same person is much harder so takes us longer.
For sure, No Contact is the only way to heal. Each time contact is renewed, it puts the recovery process right back to the start again. The horrible flood of the chemical cycle in our bodies starts again then we have to go through fresh withdrawals. Exactly the same as when a sober person drinks again.
As my time away from late AH builds (about a year now) I am starting to see that what I had considered the "nice" version of him wasn't "nice" at all. He was just less nasty than usual. He wasn't "nice" by the standards of a healthy partner. At all. My standards had dropped to the basement! Well below the basement!
Thank you for sharing about this subject, Kaya. Good to talk about it.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I relate to what you share. I understand it is called "Cognitive Dissonance" where our brain struggles because it cannot process how a person can be two so different personas.
Our brains need a person to be one way or another to be able to process what has happened. Two reconcile the nasty and the nice versions of the same person is much harder so takes us longer.
For sure, No Contact is the only way to heal. Each time contact is renewed, it puts the recovery process right back to the start again. The horrible flood of the chemical cycle in our bodies starts again then we have to go through fresh withdrawals. Exactly the same as when a sober person drinks again.
As my time away from late AH builds (about a year now) I am starting to see that what I had considered the "nice" version of him wasn't "nice" at all. He was just less nasty than usual. He wasn't "nice" by the standards of a healthy partner. At all. My standards had dropped to the basement! Well below the basement!
Thank you for sharing about this subject, Kaya. Good to talk about it.
Our brains need a person to be one way or another to be able to process what has happened. Two reconcile the nasty and the nice versions of the same person is much harder so takes us longer.
For sure, No Contact is the only way to heal. Each time contact is renewed, it puts the recovery process right back to the start again. The horrible flood of the chemical cycle in our bodies starts again then we have to go through fresh withdrawals. Exactly the same as when a sober person drinks again.
As my time away from late AH builds (about a year now) I am starting to see that what I had considered the "nice" version of him wasn't "nice" at all. He was just less nasty than usual. He wasn't "nice" by the standards of a healthy partner. At all. My standards had dropped to the basement! Well below the basement!
Thank you for sharing about this subject, Kaya. Good to talk about it.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by Sueby
I have a calendar called The Daily Bitch and one of the daily sayings was “Oh look, rock bottom has a basement”. Really felt that one when it came up.
As I was care giving to late AH as he was so ill, for me it was a suddenly waking up (like out of a coma like walking state) and thinking "Oh my goodness, I am performing the most ickiest of care giving to a man who isn't even nice or kind to me.
About ten weeks before he passed he had been catheterised due to kidney failure. I had the job of emptying, changing, maintaining it. His medical team just assumed I would do it as I was his care giver, which I think is their usual attitude to care givers.
I expressed my feelings to them on this but ultimately there seemed no choice. The only other way was for late H to go into a nursing home which in the middle of Covid was just not possible.
That was the step too far for me, my brain awoke from the zonked out state it was in. Luckily he died before double incontinence became an issue. I like to think I would have 100% refused to deal with that but ------------ who knows! I hope that would have been my rock bottom in the basement!
As a former nurse, dealing with such things for patients would have been no problem to me at all. The issue was that it was for HIM!
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
About ten weeks before he passed he had been catheterised due to kidney failure. I had the job of emptying, changing, maintaining it. His medical team just assumed I would do it as I was his care giver, which I think is their usual attitude to care givers.
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
As a former nurse, dealing with such things for patients would have been no problem to me at all. The issue was that it was for HIM!
There is a regular customer in our store. He was nearly unable to walk a year ago, and not well overall. I don't know what the problem was or how it was resolved, He came in the other day, happy, walking easily - and awaiting the final divorce decree. He admitted his soon-to-be-ex had done 'everything' to run the household for seven years, and he didn't blame her for the divorce. I wonder how things were before his illness, and if she stayed because of what people might think.
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
As part of our unhealthiness, we keep lowering the standards of what we accept. I was trained in childhood to make excuses for horrible behaviours, also a lot of them seemed normal to me!
As I was care giving to late AH as he was so ill, for me it was a suddenly waking up (like out of a coma like walking state) and thinking "Oh my goodness, I am performing the most ickiest of care giving to a man who isn't even nice or kind to me.
About ten weeks before he passed he had been catheterised due to kidney failure. I had the job of emptying, changing, maintaining it. His medical team just assumed I would do it as I was his care giver, which I think is their usual attitude to care givers.
I expressed my feelings to them on this but ultimately there seemed no choice. The only other way was for late H to go into a nursing home which in the middle of Covid was just not possible.
That was the step too far for me, my brain awoke from the zonked out state it was in. Luckily he died before double incontinence became an issue. I like to think I would have 100% refused to deal with that but ------------ who knows! I hope that would have been my rock bottom in the basement!
As a former nurse, dealing with such things for patients would have been no problem to me at all. The issue was that it was for HIM!
As I was care giving to late AH as he was so ill, for me it was a suddenly waking up (like out of a coma like walking state) and thinking "Oh my goodness, I am performing the most ickiest of care giving to a man who isn't even nice or kind to me.
About ten weeks before he passed he had been catheterised due to kidney failure. I had the job of emptying, changing, maintaining it. His medical team just assumed I would do it as I was his care giver, which I think is their usual attitude to care givers.
I expressed my feelings to them on this but ultimately there seemed no choice. The only other way was for late H to go into a nursing home which in the middle of Covid was just not possible.
That was the step too far for me, my brain awoke from the zonked out state it was in. Luckily he died before double incontinence became an issue. I like to think I would have 100% refused to deal with that but ------------ who knows! I hope that would have been my rock bottom in the basement!
As a former nurse, dealing with such things for patients would have been no problem to me at all. The issue was that it was for HIM!
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