equus

I know everyone deals with this differently but since my hubby decided to stop drinking we haven't had any alcohol in the house.

For people out there who also don't really have alcohol in the house - do you ask guests not to bring it if they come for a meal etc? It's not a hard and fast rule or anything - just that we haven't had it around and I'm not sure how I feel about people bringing it in. Maybe we should let them bring whatever?

Gracey

My H would get embarrased if I would mention to guests that he is not drinking, and to please not bring alcohol.

My H is struggling so bad with not drinking and it has been eight months, after his six month mark he has drank four times......he has a very hard time being around alcohol........I can tell by his actions and the look on his face......the thing is I cant do one thing about it.....I have seen his hands shake, because he wanted it so bad.......he tries not to be around it.....it is to hard for him right now......

equus

I can relate to that - especially him being embarassed. I suppose that answers my question in a way.

Have you had guests round that have brought alcohol?

Petunia

Equus,

I can only speak from my experience. My H has be sober for 6+ years. Working the program has helped us both to get to the point where other folks decisions are theirs. I do have a glass or wine or beer from time to time. We also have dinner with folks and they drink. When we got married our reception was dry. We have also had parties where we did not provide alcohol but if folks brought it, we opened it while they were there.

There's nothing that says you can't open if for them, and if it isn't finished when they leave pour what remains out. These situations are great times to practice saying "No" with authority but not aggressively. "No" doesn't require an explanation - if someone persists, I'd say "No" again and then change the subject. Lots of interesting stuff to discuss these days.

Good luck.

Petunia

gelfling

Our families knew we were a dry house because they knew he'd been in rehab. But, of course, that didn't stop them from bringing their own. And it really ticked me off; especially if they got there half loaded. Finally, I have gotten the message across that no alcohol crosses the threshold. If you want to drink, then don't come. We're merely asking for their respect in regard to a dry house.

Kathy

Aquiana

It really has to be your husbands decision. When my bf was sober he would have gotten really angry if I had interfered and told someone not to have alcohol around him. He would have thought that was my way for saying he couldn't make his own decision. If your husband doesn't want it in the house you have every right to tell guests not to bring it. I've gone to many homes that don't allow people to smoke inside and I respect their decision.

Cando

I don't drink and I am uncomfortable having company. Many people want to drink. I don't have a lot of company because of it. I have had parties where I told people to bring their own drinks. I am at the point of telling people this is a dry house. This can be a real problem. We can understand the no smoking rule, but it is difficult for people to understand and honor the no drinking rule.

equus

I know hubby wouldn't want me to ask them not to bring booze but it's a bit of an odd position. They are predominently my friends, they know how bad it was years ago (not gossiping but I never thought I'd see him again and of course I told friends), one was even at the same uni!

I thought of a meal as an alternative to invites out but I want to get my head round it first. I have been angry at the friend who was at uni because she took it personally that we didn't want to go to pubs. I asked her to read up about it and I tried to explain but struggled to spell it out - the real world is different. She's still said she wants to meet up for christmas 'bevvies'. Trying to explain why it still matters even though when he stopped he wasn't drinking that much is hard, emotionally hard for me. This side of things is so messy round the edges.

I'm glad there's mixed views on it and very glad I'm not the only one who feels annoyed!!

I think I wouldn't mind too much if they brought something but the friend that wants 'bevvies' usually drinks like a fish and I think that would p*ss me off. I feel funny about alcohol in the house because it hasn't been in here for a couple of months now, new habits are being built that don't include drink - I don't really want that changing.

I suppose ultimately I'm wanting friends to read my mind - or just use their own bloody common sense!

Maybe I just want to hear other experiences of how people have dealt with it.

Veronica

We have a dry house too. I am very bitter towards alcohol right now and I refuse to let it in our house. Some day this may change, but not right now. So far, the events that I have hosted have not involved alcohol. But, should someone bring over a bottle, I would not hestitate to say - "Hey, thanks for your thoughtfulness, but we don't have any alcohol in the house. Would you mind leaving it in the car? Thank you." If people get offended, they can leave.

equus

I know what you mean, it's an inanimate substance and logically I can't explain it but - 'it' still makes me angry!! I'm not blaming the substance, I don't think it has consciousness or guilt - but I could still throttle it!

gelfling

Idea!!!

If you want to have friends over, make up some non-alcoholic type drinks. Hot cider with cinnamon sticks and I don't know what else. There are probably oodles of recipes on the internet.

Send out invites and tell them that you're serving blah, blah, blah and the beverage(s) will be cider, soda, tea, coffee.....

This way, in a round about way, you're telling them you don't want them bringing their own beverage (alcohol) into your home.

Hugs, Kathy

Cando

The friend who wants the "Christmas bevvies" sounds like someone to steer clear of. I had a friend once who yelled at me in a restaurant for not having a drink with her. Both of us had alcoholic parents and she of all people should have understood this. I chose not to drink and have paid a price for it because of people like her. It never ceases to amaze me how people can't get the concept that if you have a problem with alcohol you need to not drink. I think the people who don't get it are people who themselves have a problem with it. I think it is very reasonable to have a "dry house". The only people who aren't going to like are the people with a problem and do we need them?

mushroom

Wasn't so long ago really that no one dared tell their friends not to smoke in their house. Now people ask before lighting up, and go outside in the rain without complaint. Social habits change. No reason the same won't happen with alcohol someday. That 'xmas bevvies' friend has a problem. Maybe not an alcoholic yet but she has a problem. I dunno, in my circles no one drinks all that much if at all so it's not unusual to not have alcohol around. Our house is dry and that's it. I do ask people not to bring their own. I've had a lot of practice lately looking people in the eye and telling them, 'because my H is a suicidally depressed alcoholic, that's why'. Who could argue with that??? only a nutcase. There's always sparkling water and sparkling cider and caffeine. Why would anyone need more than that, I mean really. The non-A can take or leave alcohol. It's never a necessity for normal people. And when I'm out, I just tell people no thanks, I don't drink, don't like the taste. I don't! and I'm not about to drink just because everyone else is, I'm fine with soda or whatever. Friends will accept that. Anyone who pushes is not a friend.

best

No hard steed fast rule in my house. People know my house is dry.
BYOB (bring your own booze) is told to family and close friends. Them knowing me, it is an accepted norm. I have gone out and bought a bottle of wine or some beer for parties a time or two as well.
Their actions I can't change. My reactions are the only things I have some kind of control over. If I need or want the house fully dry when the guests leave... They are given a doggy bag with their own booze to take home with them. Either that or the trash accepts the left overs as well *LOL*
I have one visitor that not only brings his own, he also brings his own glass and ice as I was out of ice on one of his visits *LOL*

jjl

I am faced with this decision for the first time myself, my bf has been sober for 4 yrs, but this is the first Christmas since we moved in together. Many of my family members who will be coming over have not even met him yet. He claims if they bring alcohol in, it won't bother him, but I am not so sure. I'm hoping he know his limits, it's not like he is never aroung people drinking, he is a d.j. At this point I'm just telling people I will not have any alcohol, BYOB or drink coca-cola like us

equus

We always have lots of different juices in - we still like to always have a drink on the go ourselves, just not alcoholic.

I reckon it will wind up bring your own booze or have juices with us. I just hope no-one gets drunk or brings masses.

*Cider in the UK is alcohol, otherwise it's fizzy apple.

The friend who's invited us for bevvies might be a problem. She's been a good friend for years and I really don't think she gets it but call it frustration or anger - it is starting to annoy me. Out of all our friends she's the one who knew us 10 years ago, the only one that D feels really is his friend independently of me, everyone else he's met through me. If she can't even understand about the booze I couldn't and wouldn't try to begin to explain the rest!!

Culturally it's not easy either we're northerners which in England means when you invite guests everything should be offered to excess, you invite 5 - you cook for 10, someone asks for a glass you give them a bottle. It's supposed to work both ways though with guests doing everything to show respect. That's what I really want - for them to at least try.

Magichappens

equus,
I know you are struggling with this, but ultimately, you have to choose what you want. If you choose to be completely dry at your house, you will probably not be able to have some of your friends over. They aren't going to understand. If you compromise, and have drinking, you will have to get through the uncomfortable feelings that brings, and find some peace with it.

These decisions are not black and white. They are different shades. We have some positive and negative with each decision. We have to weigh the pros and cons and decide what will be best. For me, the struggle is worse than making the decision. Not wanting to give up anything, I string out the struggle. Once made, I know that I give up something. Eventually, I have to give up something, or the decision is made for me. Hugs, Magic

equus

I think this might have just sorted itself out. The awkward friend has suggested take out at her house. Not something I could have asked for but by far the best option.

Two of the other friends will be invited as well so that just leaves my best mate who I trust tons!!

Thanks so much for all of the above, I'll need it in the future but I'm going to lay it to rest now. By the time I ned to rethink things may be easier anyway - more time off booze, friends more used to it, even the twit may actually do some finding out for herself! She's a twit with a good heart, but still a twit!