Got my stuff
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Originally Posted by velma929 
Asking a 37-year old who never wanted children to live with a child for the next 15-20 years is a big ask, in my opinion, even if he weren't an alcoholic.
One reason I married an alcoholic is because growing up with a parent who drank too much from time to time made that behavior seem normal, or at least, not unusual. Your child will see that this is an acceptable arrangement for a life partnership. Big ask for him or her, too.
One reason I married an alcoholic is because growing up with a parent who drank too much from time to time made that behavior seem normal, or at least, not unusual. Your child will see that this is an acceptable arrangement for a life partnership. Big ask for him or her, too.
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
Hi 
I hope you are holding up ok. I am happy you got your stuff ... I am sorry for your confusion. It sounds like you aren't ready to let go yet. I do want you to know that we will all be here even if you go another round with him. I know for me I was scared to come back here at first. I felt foolish... You can only let go when you have hit your rock bottom... similar to him hitting his rock bottom with alcohol... I used to feel bad like you as well... I used to think "I was trying to control him..." I would nit pick myself and my reaction to his drinking.... It took me longer than I wanted to finally understand that His drinking is what put our relationship on the merry go round to begin with... My reactions were to the crazy making situations and inconsistancy that comes with being with an alcoholic.... I finally started to understand I needed to equate his drinking with cheating in a way... so I looked at it like this.......
If he was cheating on me everyday there would be zero way I would even entertain a conversation where he was attempting to tell me my faults... Getting drunk or drinking that much creates the same amount of distrust, crazy making and all other types of messed up feelings for a persons partner that cheating daily would do... in my opinion...
When I finally started to understand that it was silly of him to point out my flaws when he was wasted 75% of the time... It became clear to me. Even in the aftermath of our separation and now divorce he trys to explain he thought I was controlling and now it makes me laugh... So I was controlling because when you were hammered and going to try to drive I didn't want you to drive with the kids? I was controlling cause I got mad you didn't go to work cause you were hungover and we have bills to pay..Bills he agreed to paying with me when we got married...
What I guess I finally understood was me standing up for myself, having standards and not being a doormat was his version of me being controlling... There is a sense of harmony someone needs to be happy in a relationship... Drinking excessively can not have harmony... even if both people drink it is a **** show usually...
The best advice I can give you is to understand that at this point if you decide to be friends with him or date him you are signing up for more of what you have had. You don't sound happy... you sound like you are going to have to dull yourself and dull your standards and shine to be with someone who is confusing and all over the map and has major health issues due to drinking already... Someone who you won't be able to count on the words he is saying because when someone is drinking in the way and active alcoholic does ...everything is all over the map... one minute he will be in love, next minute not returning calls, next minute he will be in love, next minute he will want to just be friends and then back in love again. This is across the board in some way shape and form and over time weighs heavily on their partners emotional well being....
Either way.. we are all here for you
I hope you are holding up ok. I am happy you got your stuff ... I am sorry for your confusion. It sounds like you aren't ready to let go yet. I do want you to know that we will all be here even if you go another round with him. I know for me I was scared to come back here at first. I felt foolish... You can only let go when you have hit your rock bottom... similar to him hitting his rock bottom with alcohol... I used to feel bad like you as well... I used to think "I was trying to control him..." I would nit pick myself and my reaction to his drinking.... It took me longer than I wanted to finally understand that His drinking is what put our relationship on the merry go round to begin with... My reactions were to the crazy making situations and inconsistancy that comes with being with an alcoholic.... I finally started to understand I needed to equate his drinking with cheating in a way... so I looked at it like this.......If he was cheating on me everyday there would be zero way I would even entertain a conversation where he was attempting to tell me my faults... Getting drunk or drinking that much creates the same amount of distrust, crazy making and all other types of messed up feelings for a persons partner that cheating daily would do... in my opinion...
When I finally started to understand that it was silly of him to point out my flaws when he was wasted 75% of the time... It became clear to me. Even in the aftermath of our separation and now divorce he trys to explain he thought I was controlling and now it makes me laugh... So I was controlling because when you were hammered and going to try to drive I didn't want you to drive with the kids? I was controlling cause I got mad you didn't go to work cause you were hungover and we have bills to pay..Bills he agreed to paying with me when we got married...
What I guess I finally understood was me standing up for myself, having standards and not being a doormat was his version of me being controlling... There is a sense of harmony someone needs to be happy in a relationship... Drinking excessively can not have harmony... even if both people drink it is a **** show usually...
The best advice I can give you is to understand that at this point if you decide to be friends with him or date him you are signing up for more of what you have had. You don't sound happy... you sound like you are going to have to dull yourself and dull your standards and shine to be with someone who is confusing and all over the map and has major health issues due to drinking already... Someone who you won't be able to count on the words he is saying because when someone is drinking in the way and active alcoholic does ...everything is all over the map... one minute he will be in love, next minute not returning calls, next minute he will be in love, next minute he will want to just be friends and then back in love again. This is across the board in some way shape and form and over time weighs heavily on their partners emotional well being....
Either way.. we are all here for you
I feel like he’s keeping me hopeful, but he has no intention of getting healthy . And I’m super sad about it .
Its hard knowing he’s partying , drinking and I’m miserable.
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Payne.....at baseline, alcoholics are not happy people---even wh en they are being party hearty. That is just a way to avoid their negative feelings---it is not any kind of cure, that's for sure.
Of course you are going to be sad. You have to grieve this loss of your dream. Consider this---the grief will pass and you can go forward and find genuine happiness----but he will just feel worse and worse and need to increase the amount he drinks to try to cope. Eventually, it may destroy him.
Of course you are going to be sad. You have to grieve this loss of your dream. Consider this---the grief will pass and you can go forward and find genuine happiness----but he will just feel worse and worse and need to increase the amount he drinks to try to cope. Eventually, it may destroy him.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Payne.....at baseline, alcoholics are not happy people---even wh en they are being party hearty. That is just a way to avoid their negative feelings---it is not any kind of cure, that's for sure.
Of course you are going to be sad. You have to grieve this loss of your dream. Consider this---the grief will pass and you can go forward and find genuine happiness----but he will just feel worse and worse and need to increase the amount he drinks to try to cope. Eventually, it may destroy him.
Of course you are going to be sad. You have to grieve this loss of your dream. Consider this---the grief will pass and you can go forward and find genuine happiness----but he will just feel worse and worse and need to increase the amount he drinks to try to cope. Eventually, it may destroy him.
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