Got my stuff
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Got my stuff
I text him to get my things this morning , and we agreed for me to get them around 2. I offered to meet somewhere and get them and he said at his house was fine. I got there and he had all my stuff ready, I had already packed most of it last Friday . We loaded up my car and then sat on the porch and talked. That’s where it got confusing again. I was doing well, and truthfully so was he. But of course we started talking again about his drinking . I asked him one last time( I’m an idiot) if he had any intention of quitting, he said he didn’t know . I was touching him as we were talking and then I pulled back and apologized, he said “ did I ever give you the indication that you were doing anything wrong “, so I kept touching him. We both again agreed the way we were was unhealthy. I apologized for trying to control him and change him. He apologized for his part . But this is when it went bad, we said how in love we were and he then told me how he had to learn to love his dad for who he was( his dad smokes) and not try to change him . Then he said how it was hard being picked at by me all the time and I said I understood.. Then .. sigh .. we discussed if we were to try again we wouldn’t tell anyone. Because our friends and family are biased . He said he’s going to ask a person for advice that’s unbiased and then we can discuss getting back together . We talked about still hanging out as friends , he said, “but we will both probably want more “. I told him I didn’t want more at this time . We hugged and kissed. I said this is goodbye, he said it’s not because we said we’d still hang out .Then again ,we talked about if we tried again. ... ugh! This is so unhealthy I know it is. I wish i wasn’t so weak . I thought i was stronger .. you all keep telling me why isn’t it connecting . 🙁
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You mentioned you have been involved with alcoholics before, how did that end?
Us telling you won't help until you really accept what is said - and that's not always easy.
What is easy is to only hear the "good" things he is saying - the things that make you feel better.
What he actually said is that he's not going to quit drinking. You accept him just the way he is (which has nothing to do with love btw) or you don't. If you want more of the same - he is there for that. It's not about you personally, he obviously cares for you, it's that he doesn't want to quit drinking and if comes down to a choice - well he has already made that choice.
That's what alcoholics do - you will always be secondary to the drinking, everyone is, even him. That will not change. At least he's not trying to string you along with false promises. You can have him and have a relationship with him, but you have to accept he is an alcoholic and be ok with it.
Us telling you won't help until you really accept what is said - and that's not always easy.
What is easy is to only hear the "good" things he is saying - the things that make you feel better.
What he actually said is that he's not going to quit drinking. You accept him just the way he is (which has nothing to do with love btw) or you don't. If you want more of the same - he is there for that. It's not about you personally, he obviously cares for you, it's that he doesn't want to quit drinking and if comes down to a choice - well he has already made that choice.
That's what alcoholics do - you will always be secondary to the drinking, everyone is, even him. That will not change. At least he's not trying to string you along with false promises. You can have him and have a relationship with him, but you have to accept he is an alcoholic and be ok with it.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
You mentioned you have been involved with alcoholics before, how did that end?
Us telling you won't help until you really accept what is said - and that's not always easy.
What is easy is to only hear the "good" things he is saying - the things that make you feel better.
What he actually said is that he's not going to quit drinking. You accept him just the way he is (which has nothing to do with love btw) or you don't. If you want more of the same - he is there for that. It's not about you personally, he obviously cares for you, it's that he doesn't want to quit drinking and if comes down to a choice - well he has already made that choice.
That's what alcoholics do - you will always be secondary to the drinking, everyone is, even him. That will not change. At least he's not trying to string you along with false promises. You can have him and have a relationship with him, but you have to accept he is an alcoholic and be ok with it.
Us telling you won't help until you really accept what is said - and that's not always easy.
What is easy is to only hear the "good" things he is saying - the things that make you feel better.
What he actually said is that he's not going to quit drinking. You accept him just the way he is (which has nothing to do with love btw) or you don't. If you want more of the same - he is there for that. It's not about you personally, he obviously cares for you, it's that he doesn't want to quit drinking and if comes down to a choice - well he has already made that choice.
That's what alcoholics do - you will always be secondary to the drinking, everyone is, even him. That will not change. At least he's not trying to string you along with false promises. You can have him and have a relationship with him, but you have to accept he is an alcoholic and be ok with it.
I appreciate all of you , truly , every time I think it’s connecting , I have moments of weakness. When he went into the house to pee, I even went to look at his trash cans and I saw all the beer cans. I don’t know why I even agreed to hang out as friends when I know we aren’t going to be just friends .I guess I’m feeling badly for how I’ve treated him too so that’s why I keep apologizing to him. The only great thing is I got all of my stuff , so at least that doesn’t give me an excuse to contact him. Might be my only saving grace . I can’t believe I agreed to the possibility of him and I trying again . I left the door open and that’s why I’m disappointed. Thanks for always listening and giving me advice. It’s appreciated
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Oh and, what is this all about?
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Originally Posted by Payne9
He said he went to his friends and family about us and they said we aren’t good for each other and he said they only took his side and wasn’t seeing mine. So he is wanting to ask a therapist for guidance about us because he wants an unbiased opinion
Forgetting about him for a minute - what do you want?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Well it will be biased regardless because he is telling it from his point of view. He doesn't know what it's like to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. Plus it still makes no sense, I'm sure he's capable of making up his own mind.
Forgetting about him for a minute - what do you want?
Forgetting about him for a minute - what do you want?
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It's not really about shouldn't is it? I mean you are a grown up, you can do as you like.
The only question is, do you want to have an alcoholic partner. Never think for a moment you will change him (you won't) or that you can help and support him to recover (you can't), it's just not possible. If it were, you wouldn't have broken up and he'd be in rehab. So take that completely off the table because that would just be wishful thinking.
It's also not about "staying quiet" it would mean truly accepting it, otherwise you would just drive yourself crazy and no doubt become resentful over time, don't you think?
If you cannot live with him as an alcoholic, then that's your answer right there, you can't be in a relationship with him. It's not up to him and this mysterious "unbiased" third party, you get a say, you get to decide what you want.
The only question is, do you want to have an alcoholic partner. Never think for a moment you will change him (you won't) or that you can help and support him to recover (you can't), it's just not possible. If it were, you wouldn't have broken up and he'd be in rehab. So take that completely off the table because that would just be wishful thinking.
It's also not about "staying quiet" it would mean truly accepting it, otherwise you would just drive yourself crazy and no doubt become resentful over time, don't you think?
If you cannot live with him as an alcoholic, then that's your answer right there, you can't be in a relationship with him. It's not up to him and this mysterious "unbiased" third party, you get a say, you get to decide what you want.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
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Perhaps to get some clarity about what you want, make some lists. Make list of what you need from your ideal partner in a relationship, what are your non - negotiables, your boundaries? What do you see as pros and cons with this guy?
What made things clear for me was contemplating whether I should combine households with XABF, if my children should meet him as a perspective step - parent, if I could live with all the escalating dysfunction and health issues. Once I reframed my indecision by what I wanted / needed versus what reality was going to look like, I was able to make a decision and be firm in that decision.
What made things clear for me was contemplating whether I should combine households with XABF, if my children should meet him as a perspective step - parent, if I could live with all the escalating dysfunction and health issues. Once I reframed my indecision by what I wanted / needed versus what reality was going to look like, I was able to make a decision and be firm in that decision.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
It's not really about shouldn't is it? I mean you are a grown up, you can do as you like.
The only question is, do you want to have an alcoholic partner. Never think for a moment you will change him (you won't) or that you can help and support him to recover (you can't), it's just not possible. If it were, you wouldn't have broken up and he'd be in rehab. So take that completely off the table because that would just be wishful thinking.
It's also not about just "staying quiet" it would mean truly accepting it, otherwise you would just drive yourself crazy.
If you cannot live with him as an alcoholic, then that's your answer right there, you can't be in a relationship with him. It's not up to him and this mysterious "unbiased" third party, you get a say, you get to decide what you want.
The only question is, do you want to have an alcoholic partner. Never think for a moment you will change him (you won't) or that you can help and support him to recover (you can't), it's just not possible. If it were, you wouldn't have broken up and he'd be in rehab. So take that completely off the table because that would just be wishful thinking.
It's also not about just "staying quiet" it would mean truly accepting it, otherwise you would just drive yourself crazy.
If you cannot live with him as an alcoholic, then that's your answer right there, you can't be in a relationship with him. It's not up to him and this mysterious "unbiased" third party, you get a say, you get to decide what you want.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
Perhaps to get some clarity about what you want, make some lists. Make list of what you need from your ideal partner in a relationship, what are your non - negotiables, your boundaries? What do you see as pros and cons with this guy?
What made things clear for me was contemplating whether I should combine households with XABF, if my children should meet him as a perspective step - parent, if I could live with all the escalating dysfunction and health issues. Once I reframed my indecision by what I wanted / needed versus what reality was going to look like, I was able to make a decision and be firm in that decision.
What made things clear for me was contemplating whether I should combine households with XABF, if my children should meet him as a perspective step - parent, if I could live with all the escalating dysfunction and health issues. Once I reframed my indecision by what I wanted / needed versus what reality was going to look like, I was able to make a decision and be firm in that decision.
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Originally Posted by Payne9
Thats a good idea! I have children and I’ve never introduced him to them. Our dysfunctional ways was a big reason why . I need to take time and reflect . Being around him just confuses me. I definitely need time to decide
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Originally Posted by sage1969
OMG, if you have children, you cannot expose them to this. I and others here can tell you just how destructive it is to live and grow up in a home with an alcoholic / addict. For the sake of your children, be glad you are out of this relationship. For your sake, please do some reading about codependency, attachment styles, and maybe do some thinking about yourself and why you are attracted to alcoholics / addicts.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
If you haven't already read it, Melody Beattie's Codependent No More is a good resource. I also found an ebook by Elisa Romeo called Authentic Intuition that also focused on codependency.
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Originally Posted by Payne9
I am a child of an addict so I’ve always protected my kids from addicts/alcoholics. I absolutely agree with you . Every tome I’ve thought about introducing my baby , who is 3, to him , I just couldn’t do it .
Yes, children and alcohol don't mix, but you already know this. You haven't introduced him in to your child's life and you can't really. I don't know if you hope to have more children some day, but of course you wouldn't want children with him while he is in active addiction?
I think you already know the answer here, but it will take time for you to accept it and it's going to hurt, but you can get through that and there will be sunnier days and better relationships in your future.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
This can explain why you end up in relationships with them. This is what you know (I also had an alcoholic Father btw). It's dysfunctional at home, but it's home, we are comfortable with that dysfunction, why wouldn't you be drawn back to it? Your logical mind knows it's not a good environment for you, but it's not uncomfortable.
Yes, children and alcohol don't mix, but you already know this. You haven't introduced him in to your child's life and you can't really. I don't know if you hope to have more children some day, but of course you wouldn't want children with him while he is in active addiction?
I think you already know the answer here, but it will take time for you to accept it and it's going to hurt, but you can get through that and there will be sunnier days and better relationships in your future.
Yes, children and alcohol don't mix, but you already know this. You haven't introduced him in to your child's life and you can't really. I don't know if you hope to have more children some day, but of course you wouldn't want children with him while he is in active addiction?
I think you already know the answer here, but it will take time for you to accept it and it's going to hurt, but you can get through that and there will be sunnier days and better relationships in your future.
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Originally Posted by Payne9
Im 43 and i can’t have anymore kids, which is great because of my state of mind and I wouldn’t want a kid with someone actively drinking . He’s 37 with no kids and he has never wanted any so I was thinking this was perfect . The more I come here , the more I realize things . I’m definitely codependent. My therapist wanted me to go No Contact . And I just didn’t do it . I was hurt he seems like he’s partying it up. Because now he doesn’t have a nagging gf to fight with. It’s all painful . But This will be the life I choose if I chose to be with him. He’s made that clear, the stories on here have made that clear as well
As you know, alcoholism isn't as simple as wanting to drink a lot, addiction is complicated, asking him to give it up - well you may as well ask him to stop eating (although he would probably be more willing to do that than quit drinking).
I can see you are getting clarity. Hang in there, you are going to be ok, small steps.
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Originally Posted by Payne9
I text him to get my things this morning , and we agreed for me to get them around 2. I offered to meet somewhere and get them and he said at his house was fine. I got there and he had all my stuff ready, I had already packed most of it last Friday . We loaded up my car and then sat on the porch and talked. That’s where it got confusing again. I was doing well, and truthfully so was he. But of course we started talking again about his drinking . I asked him one last time( I’m an idiot) if he had any intention of quitting, he said he didn’t know . I was touching him as we were talking and then I pulled back and apologized, he said “ did I ever give you the indication that you were doing anything wrong “, so I kept touching him. We both again agreed the way we were was unhealthy. I apologized for trying to control him and change him. He apologized for his part . But this is when it went bad, we said how in love we were and he then told me how he had to learn to love his dad for who he was( his dad smokes) and not try to change him . Then he said how it was hard being picked at by me all the time and I said I understood.. Then .. sigh .. we discussed if we were to try again we wouldn’t tell anyone. Because our friends and family are biased . He said he’s going to ask a person for advice that’s unbiased and then we can discuss getting back together . We talked about still hanging out as friends , he said, “but we will both probably want more “. I told him I didn’t want more at this time . We hugged and kissed. I said this is goodbye, he said it’s not because we said we’d still hang out .Then again ,we talked about if we tried again. ... ugh! This is so unhealthy I know it is. I wish i wasn’t so weak . I thought i was stronger .. you all keep telling me why isn’t it connecting . 🙁
I hope you are holding up ok. I am happy you got your stuff ... I am sorry for your confusion. It sounds like you aren't ready to let go yet. I do want you to know that we will all be here even if you go another round with him. I know for me I was scared to come back here at first. I felt foolish... You can only let go when you have hit your rock bottom... similar to him hitting his rock bottom with alcohol... I used to feel bad like you as well... I used to think "I was trying to control him..." I would nit pick myself and my reaction to his drinking.... It took me longer than I wanted to finally understand that His drinking is what put our relationship on the merry go round to begin with... My reactions were to the crazy making situations and inconsistancy that comes with being with an alcoholic.... I finally started to understand I needed to equate his drinking with cheating in a way... so I looked at it like this....... If he was cheating on me everyday there would be zero way I would even entertain a conversation where he was attempting to tell me my faults... Getting drunk or drinking that much creates the same amount of distrust, crazy making and all other types of messed up feelings for a persons partner that cheating daily would do... in my opinion...
When I finally started to understand that it was silly of him to point out my flaws when he was wasted 75% of the time... It became clear to me. Even in the aftermath of our separation and now divorce he trys to explain he thought I was controlling and now it makes me laugh... So I was controlling because when you were hammered and going to try to drive I didn't want you to drive with the kids? I was controlling cause I got mad you didn't go to work cause you were hungover and we have bills to pay..Bills he agreed to paying with me when we got married...
What I guess I finally understood was me standing up for myself, having standards and not being a doormat was his version of me being controlling... There is a sense of harmony someone needs to be happy in a relationship... Drinking excessively can not have harmony... even if both people drink it is a **** show usually...
The best advice I can give you is to understand that at this point if you decide to be friends with him or date him you are signing up for more of what you have had. You don't sound happy... you sound like you are going to have to dull yourself and dull your standards and shine to be with someone who is confusing and all over the map and has major health issues due to drinking already... Someone who you won't be able to count on the words he is saying because when someone is drinking in the way and active alcoholic does ...everything is all over the map... one minute he will be in love, next minute not returning calls, next minute he will be in love, next minute he will want to just be friends and then back in love again. This is across the board in some way shape and form and over time weighs heavily on their partners emotional well being....
Either way.. we are all here for you
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Asking a 37-year old who never wanted children to live with a child for the next 15-20 years is a big ask, in my opinion, even if he weren't an alcoholic.
One reason I married an alcoholic is because growing up with a parent who drank too much from time to time made that behavior seem normal, or at least, not unusual. Your child will see that this is an acceptable arrangement for a life partnership. Big ask for him or her, too.
One reason I married an alcoholic is because growing up with a parent who drank too much from time to time made that behavior seem normal, or at least, not unusual. Your child will see that this is an acceptable arrangement for a life partnership. Big ask for him or her, too.
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