I caved
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Join Date: Dec 2021
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I caved
So I discussed in other post how my bf broke up with me and if I should meet up with him today. Last tight I caved and talked to him on the phone for 2 hrs. Mind you he didn’t text me back the first day he broke up and I finally didn’t talk to him for two days ..
During the conversation he told me his sister and best friend basically wanted him done with me. Because He told them he feels like he can never do anything right and has to walk on eggshells around me. Then he admitted he was drunk the other night crying over our break up . He talked about how we are oil and water and unless one of us drastically changes we won’t work. I told him I found support and that he’s an alcoholic and there’s no way with his drinking we could work. He told me he’s in love with me and that will never change . The whole time he was talking I was remembering what I was reading here. Also during the convo I’m sure I heard him opening up a can of beer. He told me he hung out with his non drinking friends and didn’t drink on Thursday. I just said “ cool” . Also he said he feels he needs to talk to a therapist . I already gave him info for a therapist for free. I asked him why he didn’t call him, he said because he was doing some work by himself and he wants to be clear headed when he calls him. Which made no sense to me . The whole conversation was weird to be honest . More confusion, but I didn’t feel heartbroken at least. He told me I can text or call anytime during our “ break” . And he will always reply.
During the conversation he told me his sister and best friend basically wanted him done with me. Because He told them he feels like he can never do anything right and has to walk on eggshells around me. Then he admitted he was drunk the other night crying over our break up . He talked about how we are oil and water and unless one of us drastically changes we won’t work. I told him I found support and that he’s an alcoholic and there’s no way with his drinking we could work. He told me he’s in love with me and that will never change . The whole time he was talking I was remembering what I was reading here. Also during the convo I’m sure I heard him opening up a can of beer. He told me he hung out with his non drinking friends and didn’t drink on Thursday. I just said “ cool” . Also he said he feels he needs to talk to a therapist . I already gave him info for a therapist for free. I asked him why he didn’t call him, he said because he was doing some work by himself and he wants to be clear headed when he calls him. Which made no sense to me . The whole conversation was weird to be honest . More confusion, but I didn’t feel heartbroken at least. He told me I can text or call anytime during our “ break” . And he will always reply.
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Yeah, a lot of what you write is straight out of the active addict's Playbook for keeping you hooked in. He has said nothing of meaning or value. He's going to keep drinking and making hollow gestures towards recovery to keep you wondering and waiting to see if he follows through.
I'm glad you didn't feel heartbroken, but--well, that's two hours of your one precious life that you can never recover.
I'm glad you didn't feel heartbroken, but--well, that's two hours of your one precious life that you can never recover.
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Yeah, meaningless b/s designed to keep you hooked in.
You deserve far better than this.
As Sparkle Kitty rightly says, it is straight out of the Alkies Handbook.
I look back to the absolute crap I used to sit and listen too. Haha, me thinking I was "helping". No, I wasn't, I was enabling and also wasting my precious time more to the point!
You deserve far better than this.
As Sparkle Kitty rightly says, it is straight out of the Alkies Handbook.
I look back to the absolute crap I used to sit and listen too. Haha, me thinking I was "helping". No, I wasn't, I was enabling and also wasting my precious time more to the point!
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Yeah, a lot of what you write is straight out of the active addict's Playbook for keeping you hooked in. He has said nothing of meaning or value. He's going to keep drinking and making hollow gestures towards recovery to keep you wondering and waiting to see if he follows through.
I'm glad you didn't feel heartbroken, but--well, that's two hours of your one precious life that you can never recover.
I'm glad you didn't feel heartbroken, but--well, that's two hours of your one precious life that you can never recover.
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Originally Posted by Triggered
I'm afraid it's just more of the same Payne
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
Yeah, meaningless b/s designed to keep you hooked in.
You deserve far better than this.
As Sparkle Kitty rightly says, it is straight out of the Alkies Handbook.
I look back to the absolute crap I used to sit and listen too. Haha, me thinking I was "helping". No, I wasn't, I was enabling and also wasting my precious time more to the point!
You deserve far better than this.
As Sparkle Kitty rightly says, it is straight out of the Alkies Handbook.
I look back to the absolute crap I used to sit and listen too. Haha, me thinking I was "helping". No, I wasn't, I was enabling and also wasting my precious time more to the point!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,635
You "caved" well don't feel too bad about that, if you do at all, many people do, it's kind of normal with that first contact.
I personally don't see anything has changed though. He said:
Well, that is how he feels, you don't want him to drink so much and he - wants to drink. He's not drinking "at" you by the way, he's just drinking.
He may well want a relationship with you BUT, he isn't saying he is going to get sober here, he is telling you that you need to get used to his drinking.
Translated: He is drinking.
He has made no indication, except to tell you he needs to see a therapist (which he hasn't), that he wants help to quit drinking. That's it. He's not ready to quit. You are the one that will have to change, you will need to accept his drinking or you will drive yourself crazy. You will also drive him crazy.
It's hard but there is no magical solution here. What you want from him and what he is willing to do are two different things. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do (not meant harshly).
I personally don't see anything has changed though. He said:
He told them he feels like he can never do anything right and has to walk on eggshells around me
how we are oil and water and unless one of us drastically changes we won’t work.
he said because he was doing some work by himself and he wants to be clear headed when he calls him. Which made no sense to me
He has made no indication, except to tell you he needs to see a therapist (which he hasn't), that he wants help to quit drinking. That's it. He's not ready to quit. You are the one that will have to change, you will need to accept his drinking or you will drive yourself crazy. You will also drive him crazy.
It's hard but there is no magical solution here. What you want from him and what he is willing to do are two different things. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do (not meant harshly).
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I was reading your post and thinking back to when I first came to SR when I decided to to leave XABF. There are some things you wrote, others will probably mention also . . .
There is a feeling of disconnect, that you spoke for two hours but you and he are in two different realities, needing to trot out the testimony of his friends that say you're no good for him, the opening of the beer while you're talking, him basically "counting drinks" to prove he isn't an alcoholic (by telling you he hung out with nondrinking friends and didn't drink), he wants to be "clearheaded" when he calls (if there's no problem, why the need to be clearheaded, and why the need to wait) -- all of this seems to be the typical, apparently aimless diversion tactics of an alcoholic in denial. It's more of the push me pull you stuff.
He's got some sort of an emotional tie to you, you do something for him, yet you also threaten his primary relationship with alcohol. He wants to keep you on the bench just in case, that's why he says to contact him any time, he'll answer.
My XABF proposed to me, told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He was in a blackout at the time, and didn't remember the next morning. When I asked him if he remembered what happened he said he wasn't ready for a big relationship talk. He also said he was happy with our relationship as it was, he didn't want anything to change.
The alcoholic wants to drink. The alcoholic likes when everything around them is comfortable, and allows them to drink.They don't like change, they don't like discomfort, they don't like needing to put in any effort.
XABF recently contacted me, wanting "to be friends," wanting to put me back on that bench as backup. When you see it for what it really is, it's a lot easier to say no thank you and move on.
There is a feeling of disconnect, that you spoke for two hours but you and he are in two different realities, needing to trot out the testimony of his friends that say you're no good for him, the opening of the beer while you're talking, him basically "counting drinks" to prove he isn't an alcoholic (by telling you he hung out with nondrinking friends and didn't drink), he wants to be "clearheaded" when he calls (if there's no problem, why the need to be clearheaded, and why the need to wait) -- all of this seems to be the typical, apparently aimless diversion tactics of an alcoholic in denial. It's more of the push me pull you stuff.
He's got some sort of an emotional tie to you, you do something for him, yet you also threaten his primary relationship with alcohol. He wants to keep you on the bench just in case, that's why he says to contact him any time, he'll answer.
My XABF proposed to me, told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He was in a blackout at the time, and didn't remember the next morning. When I asked him if he remembered what happened he said he wasn't ready for a big relationship talk. He also said he was happy with our relationship as it was, he didn't want anything to change.
The alcoholic wants to drink. The alcoholic likes when everything around them is comfortable, and allows them to drink.They don't like change, they don't like discomfort, they don't like needing to put in any effort.
XABF recently contacted me, wanting "to be friends," wanting to put me back on that bench as backup. When you see it for what it really is, it's a lot easier to say no thank you and move on.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
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Originally Posted by sage1969
The alcoholic wants to drink. The alcoholic likes when everything around them is comfortable, and allows them to drink. They don't like change, they don't like discomfort, they don't like needing to put in any effort.
In these few words, you have described my marriage to late AH. This was what everything that he did boiled down to.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You "caved" well don't feel too bad about that, if you do at all, many people do, it's kind of normal with that first contact.
I personally don't see anything has changed though. He said:
Well, that is how he feels, you don't want him to drink so much and he - wants to drink. He's not drinking "at" you by the way, he's just drinking.
He may well want a relationship with you BUT, he isn't saying he is going to get sober here, he is telling you that you need to get used to his drinking.
Translated: He is drinking.
He has made no indication, except to tell you he needs to see a therapist (which he hasn't), that he wants help to quit drinking. That's it. He's not ready to quit. You are the one that will have to change, you will need to accept his drinking or you will drive yourself crazy. You will also drive him crazy.
It's hard but there is no magical solution here. What you want from him and what he is willing to do are two different things. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do (not meant harshly).
I personally don't see anything has changed though. He said:
Well, that is how he feels, you don't want him to drink so much and he - wants to drink. He's not drinking "at" you by the way, he's just drinking.
He may well want a relationship with you BUT, he isn't saying he is going to get sober here, he is telling you that you need to get used to his drinking.
Translated: He is drinking.
He has made no indication, except to tell you he needs to see a therapist (which he hasn't), that he wants help to quit drinking. That's it. He's not ready to quit. You are the one that will have to change, you will need to accept his drinking or you will drive yourself crazy. You will also drive him crazy.
It's hard but there is no magical solution here. What you want from him and what he is willing to do are two different things. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do (not meant harshly).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by sage1969
I was reading your post and thinking back to when I first came to SR when I decided to to leave XABF. There are some things you wrote, others will probably mention also . . .
There is a feeling of disconnect, that you spoke for two hours but you and he are in two different realities, needing to trot out the testimony of his friends that say you're no good for him, the opening of the beer while you're talking, him basically "counting drinks" to prove he isn't an alcoholic (by telling you he hung out with nondrinking friends and didn't drink), he wants to be "clearheaded" when he calls (if there's no problem, why the need to be clearheaded, and why the need to wait) -- all of this seems to be the typical, apparently aimless diversion tactics of an alcoholic in denial. It's more of the push me pull you stuff.
He's got some sort of an emotional tie to you, you do something for him, yet you also threaten his primary relationship with alcohol. He wants to keep you on the bench just in case, that's why he says to contact him any time, he'll answer.
My XABF proposed to me, told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He was in a blackout at the time, and didn't remember the next morning. When I asked him if he remembered what happened he said he wasn't ready for a big relationship talk. He also said he was happy with our relationship as it was, he didn't want anything to change.
The alcoholic wants to drink. The alcoholic likes when everything around them is comfortable, and allows them to drink.They don't like change, they don't like discomfort, they don't like needing to put in any effort.
XABF recently contacted me, wanting "to be friends," wanting to put me back on that bench as backup. When you see it for what it really is, it's a lot easier to say no thank you and move on.
There is a feeling of disconnect, that you spoke for two hours but you and he are in two different realities, needing to trot out the testimony of his friends that say you're no good for him, the opening of the beer while you're talking, him basically "counting drinks" to prove he isn't an alcoholic (by telling you he hung out with nondrinking friends and didn't drink), he wants to be "clearheaded" when he calls (if there's no problem, why the need to be clearheaded, and why the need to wait) -- all of this seems to be the typical, apparently aimless diversion tactics of an alcoholic in denial. It's more of the push me pull you stuff.
He's got some sort of an emotional tie to you, you do something for him, yet you also threaten his primary relationship with alcohol. He wants to keep you on the bench just in case, that's why he says to contact him any time, he'll answer.
My XABF proposed to me, told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He was in a blackout at the time, and didn't remember the next morning. When I asked him if he remembered what happened he said he wasn't ready for a big relationship talk. He also said he was happy with our relationship as it was, he didn't want anything to change.
The alcoholic wants to drink. The alcoholic likes when everything around them is comfortable, and allows them to drink.They don't like change, they don't like discomfort, they don't like needing to put in any effort.
XABF recently contacted me, wanting "to be friends," wanting to put me back on that bench as backup. When you see it for what it really is, it's a lot easier to say no thank you and move on.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,635
Originally Posted by Payne9
I am seeing that more and more. He’s just not going to do anything about his drinking , and it is a harsh reality for me as I do care deeply for him. I know I’ll never be okay with his drinking and I was driving myself and him crazy trying to get him to stop or cut back or whatever I was trying to do . I’m realizing I’m just as sick as he is . And that’s a hard pill to swallow for me .
Add to that, an alcoholic saying - I know I need help, I know I need to fix myself, I know this is screwed up etc etc and that sounds like an invitation for you to step in and help, it's not. They may well know that drinking copious amounts of alcohol isn't the best thing to be doing, doesn't mean they are saying they are going to stop.
As you mentioned, you tend to get involved with alcoholics/addicts. Maybe it's time to step back from all of this and take that time to work on that, for you. Time to take care of yourself, not taking care of someone else? You deserve that time and you deserve to be treated well in a relationship.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, we are taught to try and help people especially people we love, so it's not surprising and it's how many people get stuck. Anytime we try to control someone, change them, it's always going to turn out very negative.
Add to that, an alcoholic saying - I know I need help, I know I need to fix myself, I know this is screwed up etc etc and that sounds like an invitation for you to step in and help, it's not. They may well know that drinking copious amounts of alcohol isn't the best thing to be doing, doesn't mean they are saying they are going to stop.
As you mentioned, you tend to get involved with alcoholics/addicts. Maybe it's time to step back from all of this and take that time to work on that, for you. Time to take care of yourself, not taking care of someone else? You deserve that time and you deserve to be treated well in a relationship.
Add to that, an alcoholic saying - I know I need help, I know I need to fix myself, I know this is screwed up etc etc and that sounds like an invitation for you to step in and help, it's not. They may well know that drinking copious amounts of alcohol isn't the best thing to be doing, doesn't mean they are saying they are going to stop.
As you mentioned, you tend to get involved with alcoholics/addicts. Maybe it's time to step back from all of this and take that time to work on that, for you. Time to take care of yourself, not taking care of someone else? You deserve that time and you deserve to be treated well in a relationship.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Payne....now is the time to allow yourself to grieve. Grieving doesn't feel good, but it is the only way forward. It won\t last forever. I call it "The short term pain for the long term gain"
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I think the grief we feel is not for them, the real them. It is grief for our idealised version of them.
Grief for what we dreamed up life would be like with this idealised version of them.
As codies, we seem to see them through a filter.
We don't see reality which is they are alcoholics struggling with an all consuming addiction. One that does not allow them to live in the real world and certainly does not make them able to be good partners.
Just some thoughts I am having, I certainly didn't see my late AH realistically. Now I am away from the flood of chemicals my brain released when I was around him and involved in the rollercoaster of ups and downs that was our life together, I see him as a very ordinary man. Nothing special. We get so chemically hooked on them.
Grief for what we dreamed up life would be like with this idealised version of them.
As codies, we seem to see them through a filter.
We don't see reality which is they are alcoholics struggling with an all consuming addiction. One that does not allow them to live in the real world and certainly does not make them able to be good partners.
Just some thoughts I am having, I certainly didn't see my late AH realistically. Now I am away from the flood of chemicals my brain released when I was around him and involved in the rollercoaster of ups and downs that was our life together, I see him as a very ordinary man. Nothing special. We get so chemically hooked on them.
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