Such a hard week
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Such a hard week
Hi guys... so my ex husband called me and while we had been texting a bit about the divorce as well as a few I wish you well texts when I talked to him he had a clarity in his voice. Turns out he has been sober for 10 days. He said he had gone through the extreme anxiety and was even having paranoia ... it is starting to subside and he is starting to feel better. He said he even drove past the liquor store he went to daily and didn't even realize it. While I am so relieved and happy for him...it also brought up so much anxiety in me. I don't know why. I mean I know I want him to have clarity....I want him to live a happy and healthy life. But just why couldn't he do it with me. Why do I feel like a casuality in his reign of crazy alcoholic behavior... I just wish we could have been one of those couples that actually made it through. I was kind, nice and loving. I was so supportive of him getting help. I joined alanon... I went to therapy... and it is only after he poops all over my heart that he had now really starting to take steps. I know they are small steps and 10 days is nothing especially without a program... but it isn't nothing I guess... it is something. It is 10 days without alcohol streaming through his veins... it is 10 days of his humor and presence.... 10 days I longed for for so long....
I don't know how to feel. I just told him that was awesome and I was happy for him. His hasn't earned the right to hear my story ...nor do I want to go off on him and be harsh... I just feel sad tonight I guess... Thank you for letting me share
Also I will note that I am doing the Master Cleanse right now and it is rough. I am planning on going back to not eating animal products ( which is me at my core ) so I am trying to wean myself off of dairy, meat and cheese especially. I hadn't been numbing too much with alcohol... no drugs or anything like that but I was eating when I wasn't hungry...over working...over working out... distraction from myself ... so doing this cleanse is a way to get back to eating purposefully .... anyhow It can make me extra emotional cause I am not able to sooth with crackers and cheese right now....
Anyway I guess I am just hurt but also frusterated with myself that I feel hurt and not just happy for him
I don't know how to feel. I just told him that was awesome and I was happy for him. His hasn't earned the right to hear my story ...nor do I want to go off on him and be harsh... I just feel sad tonight I guess... Thank you for letting me share
Also I will note that I am doing the Master Cleanse right now and it is rough. I am planning on going back to not eating animal products ( which is me at my core ) so I am trying to wean myself off of dairy, meat and cheese especially. I hadn't been numbing too much with alcohol... no drugs or anything like that but I was eating when I wasn't hungry...over working...over working out... distraction from myself ... so doing this cleanse is a way to get back to eating purposefully .... anyhow It can make me extra emotional cause I am not able to sooth with crackers and cheese right now....
Anyway I guess I am just hurt but also frusterated with myself that I feel hurt and not just happy for him
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333 
But just why couldn't he do it with me
He drinks for years and it destroys your marriage. He leaves you in the lurch with no warning and holding the bag for all the finances.
He's been sober for 15 minutes and you say:
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
Anyway I guess I am just hurt but also frusterated with myself that I feel hurt and not just happy for him
I'm not saying you should hold on to anger and become bitter, never that, but to think that after such a short time you would be "happy" about anything he has ever done is really pushing it - I think.
How about being nice to yourself, not being frustrated with yourself? You have done so much self care and now you know you are extra vulnerable while changing your food habits, please give yourself a break. You deserve that. Be kind to yourself. In fact a post-it note several places around your house saying just that might be in order?
You are doing fine. If he wants to discuss this stuff, there is an AA meeting every single day. Until you go no-contact with him, you won't be off the rollercoaster.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Because his drinking has nothing to do with you and never did.
He drinks for years and it destroys your marriage. He leaves you in the lurch with no warning and holding the bag for all the finances.
He's been sober for 15 minutes and you say:
Why on earth would you necessarily be happy for him? I mean I can see you thinking - well that's good for him - which I guess it is, but happy? We are none of us Mother Theresa (that is why she is so well known). But you get frustrated with yourself.
I'm not saying you should hold on to anger and become bitter, never that, but to think that after such a short time you would be "happy" about anything he has ever done is really pushing it - I think.
How about being nice to yourself, not being frustrated with yourself? You have done so much self care and now you know you are extra vulnerable while changing your food habits, please give yourself a break. You deserve that. Be kind to yourself. In fact a post-it note several places around your house saying just that might be in order?
You are doing fine. If he wants to discuss this stuff, there is an AA meeting every single day. Until you go no-contact with him, you won't be off the rollercoaster.
He drinks for years and it destroys your marriage. He leaves you in the lurch with no warning and holding the bag for all the finances.
He's been sober for 15 minutes and you say:
Why on earth would you necessarily be happy for him? I mean I can see you thinking - well that's good for him - which I guess it is, but happy? We are none of us Mother Theresa (that is why she is so well known). But you get frustrated with yourself.
I'm not saying you should hold on to anger and become bitter, never that, but to think that after such a short time you would be "happy" about anything he has ever done is really pushing it - I think.
How about being nice to yourself, not being frustrated with yourself? You have done so much self care and now you know you are extra vulnerable while changing your food habits, please give yourself a break. You deserve that. Be kind to yourself. In fact a post-it note several places around your house saying just that might be in order?
You are doing fine. If he wants to discuss this stuff, there is an AA meeting every single day. Until you go no-contact with him, you won't be off the rollercoaster.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
I agree logically 100%... I just was frusterated with myself that it still got to me...yes being nice to myself is something I am still working on daily
It frustrates you because it seems illogical to feel one way you know, logically, you really shouldn't. So why is that? Codependence? Manipulation? Grooming? Habit? Something from way back?
Why did he call you and share that with you. If he had been sober a year, maybe? When he is doing his amends?
Or does he still consider you to be his cheerleader and confidant?
I know you still have a soft spot for him, that is why no contact is so important, not so you can "forget" him or "let it go" or "move on" those things will or won't happen, naturally, but to protect yourself.
He knew what you would say in response. Did he pause to think for a moment how that would affect you?
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Well, I know that so many of us here feel broken and lost. Trying to remind ourselves of our own self worth is going to be a personal struggle for all of us lost souls. For me personally I see it taking a long, long time. Kayla, keep your chin up, get back to being you and it sounds like you are taking steps in that direction.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I can understand somewhat -- my XABF sent a message after months of silence. I asked twice what did he want. (I can't comment on his level of sobriety; he's never indicated to me that he's stopped drinking). After a week of silence he finally texted back that he wanted to be friends and I was kind but also said what I needed for that to happen, and it's been silent again.
I can see that he doesn't really understand and probably won't. I feel a peace that I was able to be kind but say what I needed. What you said really resonated with me, " he hasn't earned the right to hear my story." I didn't feel the need to JADE. It just is what it is.
Be kind to yourself as you make the dietary changes. I realised how I was self soothing, even self medicating with some really unhealthy food habits, and it has taken some time to find which foods my body does and does not thrive upon, meats and unfermented dairy being two I can't tolerate, as well as sugar and gluten. It is a process. I do think our gut biome plays a huge role in our emotional well - being, and I experienced a great deal of anxiety as I made food changes. I have really focused on pre and probiotic diversity and adding some fermented foods helped, since I think changing the foods you eat means changing your gut flora diversity. Now that I'm further along this path, I have a lot less anxiety and my body seems to be working better and in better balance. So part of being kind to your body while you make these changes, it includes understanding that some of the intense feelings are actually being driven by the "old" gut flora that don't necessarily want you to change your diet.
I can see that he doesn't really understand and probably won't. I feel a peace that I was able to be kind but say what I needed. What you said really resonated with me, " he hasn't earned the right to hear my story." I didn't feel the need to JADE. It just is what it is.
Be kind to yourself as you make the dietary changes. I realised how I was self soothing, even self medicating with some really unhealthy food habits, and it has taken some time to find which foods my body does and does not thrive upon, meats and unfermented dairy being two I can't tolerate, as well as sugar and gluten. It is a process. I do think our gut biome plays a huge role in our emotional well - being, and I experienced a great deal of anxiety as I made food changes. I have really focused on pre and probiotic diversity and adding some fermented foods helped, since I think changing the foods you eat means changing your gut flora diversity. Now that I'm further along this path, I have a lot less anxiety and my body seems to be working better and in better balance. So part of being kind to your body while you make these changes, it includes understanding that some of the intense feelings are actually being driven by the "old" gut flora that don't necessarily want you to change your diet.
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 411
At some point he is going to have to realise he cant do this at the expense of someone elses feelings. If I were in your situation I would gently remind him of this. Console yourself in the fact that you're doing the right thing and concentrate on what you need to do to put yourself in a stronger position to deal with anything that might come along. If in the cold light of day he decides to reach out to you from a place of honesty and respect, make your decision and make sure it's the right one for you. If he doesnt then realise that he might never be capable of it. In the meantime as others have said, concentrate on yourself, everyone deserves to heal and after the emotion you have invested despite his disease, you deserve it more than most.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
The posts you've received here are gold, LK, and especially Trailmix's posts.
I can understand how you feel, as I allowed myself to be drawn in by "15 minutes" of sobriety on XAH's part many, many times. Please do bear in mind that even if he's been "sober" for 10 days, that isn't even a drop in the bucket, not even a grain of sand on the beach, of serious recovery work. It's the START, yes, and he can't get anywhere unless he stops the drinking, but it is ONLY the start. If he isn't working a plan of some sort, this is nothing but "15 minutes of sobriety." Even if he IS working a plan, he's so new to it that there can't have been any really meaningful changes yet.
Your attention belongs on YOU. There is no reason for you to spare any more energy or thought on HIS doings than "oh, that's nice."
Let me ask you this: If this situation was one you were hearing about that involved some other folks you didn't even know, would you think less of the woman for "not being happy for" the A? No? Then why think less of yourself?
I can understand how you feel, as I allowed myself to be drawn in by "15 minutes" of sobriety on XAH's part many, many times. Please do bear in mind that even if he's been "sober" for 10 days, that isn't even a drop in the bucket, not even a grain of sand on the beach, of serious recovery work. It's the START, yes, and he can't get anywhere unless he stops the drinking, but it is ONLY the start. If he isn't working a plan of some sort, this is nothing but "15 minutes of sobriety." Even if he IS working a plan, he's so new to it that there can't have been any really meaningful changes yet.
Your attention belongs on YOU. There is no reason for you to spare any more energy or thought on HIS doings than "oh, that's nice."
Let me ask you this: If this situation was one you were hearing about that involved some other folks you didn't even know, would you think less of the woman for "not being happy for" the A? No? Then why think less of yourself?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Kaya
One thing that occurs to me, is the fact that being alone in life sucks. I can tell you this from personal experience.
It could be that you and your ex make better friend material than spouse material, although "15 minutes of sobriety" would not earn my friendship.
One thing that occurs to me, is the fact that being alone in life sucks. I can tell you this from personal experience.
It could be that you and your ex make better friend material than spouse material, although "15 minutes of sobriety" would not earn my friendship.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
dHi LK,
As everyone has said 10 days is just a drop in the bucket. Not even 15 minutes of fame…lol. He is not working a program. He just hopes you will give him an attaboy for his acompishments. He is testing the waters on how you feel about him. That’s why he called and not did it over text. He wants to hear your voice and how it reacts to what he says. You don’t get that over text.
Good for you for keeping to your side of the street. You are correct that he hasn’t earned the right to hear your story. It sounds like you kept the conversation short and to the point. You should be proud of yourself for that. It means that you are leaning how to deal with him.
He couldn’t do it with you because you didn’t value alcohol the same way he did. He tells you he is 10 days sober. How many times in the past 7 years did he give up short stints of sobriety and you see that clarity and think he is changing. Without a program or therapy it is not going to happen.
You are a causality of Alcohol. We all are that come here. When we first come here we don’t understand why someone who supposable loves us can be so cruel to our heart. All that you did, being kind, nice, loving, supportive of him, and everything you did for yourself. It would not have mattered. He had to want to change for himself. He says he is 10 days sober, but I don’t think it will last without a program to fall back on.
I know there are some things that you have to contact him because of the divorce. I would try and keep those to email. For your health and happiness you need to be No Contact. Stay off the Merry go Round of him. It will just make you dizzy and confused.
You are a good person. You need to be nice, loving, and supportive to yourself. I know that comes hard for you. You are use to putting other people first. You need to come first. Please doing something nice for yourself today. keep being strong and have a beautiful day.
As everyone has said 10 days is just a drop in the bucket. Not even 15 minutes of fame…lol. He is not working a program. He just hopes you will give him an attaboy for his acompishments. He is testing the waters on how you feel about him. That’s why he called and not did it over text. He wants to hear your voice and how it reacts to what he says. You don’t get that over text.
Good for you for keeping to your side of the street. You are correct that he hasn’t earned the right to hear your story. It sounds like you kept the conversation short and to the point. You should be proud of yourself for that. It means that you are leaning how to deal with him.
While I am so relieved and happy for him...it also brought up so much anxiety in me. I don't know why. I mean I know I want him to have clarity....I want him to live a happy and healthy life. But just why couldn't he do it with me.
He couldn’t do it with you because you didn’t value alcohol the same way he did. He tells you he is 10 days sober. How many times in the past 7 years did he give up short stints of sobriety and you see that clarity and think he is changing. Without a program or therapy it is not going to happen.
Why do I feel like a casuality in his reign of crazy alcoholic behavior... I just wish we could have been one of those couples that actually made it through. I was kind, nice and loving. I was so supportive of him getting help. I joined alanon... I went to therapy... and it is only after he poops all over my heart that he had now really starting to take steps.
I know there are some things that you have to contact him because of the divorce. I would try and keep those to email. For your health and happiness you need to be No Contact. Stay off the Merry go Round of him. It will just make you dizzy and confused.
You are a good person. You need to be nice, loving, and supportive to yourself. I know that comes hard for you. You are use to putting other people first. You need to come first. Please doing something nice for yourself today. keep being strong and have a beautiful day.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
I can understand somewhat -- my XABF sent a message after months of silence. I asked twice what did he want. (I can't comment on his level of sobriety; he's never indicated to me that he's stopped drinking). After a week of silence he finally texted back that he wanted to be friends and I was kind but also said what I needed for that to happen, and it's been silent again.
I can see that he doesn't really understand and probably won't. I feel a peace that I was able to be kind but say what I needed. What you said really resonated with me, " he hasn't earned the right to hear my story." I didn't feel the need to JADE. It just is what it is.
Be kind to yourself as you make the dietary changes. I realised how I was self soothing, even self medicating with some really unhealthy food habits, and it has taken some time to find which foods my body does and does not thrive upon, meats and unfermented dairy being two I can't tolerate, as well as sugar and gluten. It is a process. I do think our gut biome plays a huge role in our emotional well - being, and I experienced a great deal of anxiety as I made food changes. I have really focused on pre and probiotic diversity and adding some fermented foods helped, since I think changing the foods you eat means changing your gut flora diversity. Now that I'm further along this path, I have a lot less anxiety and my body seems to be working better and in better balance. So part of being kind to your body while you make these changes, it includes understanding that some of the intense feelings are actually being driven by the "old" gut flora that don't necessarily want you to change your diet.
I can see that he doesn't really understand and probably won't. I feel a peace that I was able to be kind but say what I needed. What you said really resonated with me, " he hasn't earned the right to hear my story." I didn't feel the need to JADE. It just is what it is.
Be kind to yourself as you make the dietary changes. I realised how I was self soothing, even self medicating with some really unhealthy food habits, and it has taken some time to find which foods my body does and does not thrive upon, meats and unfermented dairy being two I can't tolerate, as well as sugar and gluten. It is a process. I do think our gut biome plays a huge role in our emotional well - being, and I experienced a great deal of anxiety as I made food changes. I have really focused on pre and probiotic diversity and adding some fermented foods helped, since I think changing the foods you eat means changing your gut flora diversity. Now that I'm further along this path, I have a lot less anxiety and my body seems to be working better and in better balance. So part of being kind to your body while you make these changes, it includes understanding that some of the intense feelings are actually being driven by the "old" gut flora that don't necessarily want you to change your diet.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I get that. I'm like that too sometimes. I'll feel (false) guilt about something for instance. What I have started doing though is really questioning that further. If you have false guilt (or frustration that you let something get to you) - there is a reason.
It frustrates you because it seems illogical to feel one way you know, logically, you really shouldn't. So why is that? Codependence? Manipulation? Grooming? Habit? Something from way back?
Why did he call you and share that with you. If he had been sober a year, maybe? When he is doing his amends?
Or does he still consider you to be his cheerleader and confidant?
I know you still have a soft spot for him, that is why no contact is so important, not so you can "forget" him or "let it go" or "move on" those things will or won't happen, naturally, but to protect yourself.
He knew what you would say in response. Did he pause to think for a moment how that would affect you?
It frustrates you because it seems illogical to feel one way you know, logically, you really shouldn't. So why is that? Codependence? Manipulation? Grooming? Habit? Something from way back?
Why did he call you and share that with you. If he had been sober a year, maybe? When he is doing his amends?
Or does he still consider you to be his cheerleader and confidant?
I know you still have a soft spot for him, that is why no contact is so important, not so you can "forget" him or "let it go" or "move on" those things will or won't happen, naturally, but to protect yourself.
He knew what you would say in response. Did he pause to think for a moment how that would affect you?
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Originally Posted by Leftinthedust
Well, I know that so many of us here feel broken and lost. Trying to remind ourselves of our own self worth is going to be a personal struggle for all of us lost souls. For me personally I see it taking a long, long time. Kayla, keep your chin up, get back to being you and it sounds like you are taking steps in that direction.
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Originally Posted by Triggered
At some point he is going to have to realise he cant do this at the expense of someone elses feelings. If I were in your situation I would gently remind him of this. Console yourself in the fact that you're doing the right thing and concentrate on what you need to do to put yourself in a stronger position to deal with anything that might come along. If in the cold light of day he decides to reach out to you from a place of honesty and respect, make your decision and make sure it's the right one for you. If he doesnt then realise that he might never be capable of it. In the meantime as others have said, concentrate on yourself, everyone deserves to heal and after the emotion you have invested despite his disease, you deserve it more than most.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
The posts you've received here are gold, LK, and especially Trailmix's posts.
I can understand how you feel, as I allowed myself to be drawn in by "15 minutes" of sobriety on XAH's part many, many times. Please do bear in mind that even if he's been "sober" for 10 days, that isn't even a drop in the bucket, not even a grain of sand on the beach, of serious recovery work. It's the START, yes, and he can't get anywhere unless he stops the drinking, but it is ONLY the start. If he isn't working a plan of some sort, this is nothing but "15 minutes of sobriety." Even if he IS working a plan, he's so new to it that there can't have been any really meaningful changes yet.
Your attention belongs on YOU. There is no reason for you to spare any more energy or thought on HIS doings than "oh, that's nice."
Let me ask you this: If this situation was one you were hearing about that involved some other folks you didn't even know, would you think less of the woman for "not being happy for" the A? No? Then why think less of yourself?
I can understand how you feel, as I allowed myself to be drawn in by "15 minutes" of sobriety on XAH's part many, many times. Please do bear in mind that even if he's been "sober" for 10 days, that isn't even a drop in the bucket, not even a grain of sand on the beach, of serious recovery work. It's the START, yes, and he can't get anywhere unless he stops the drinking, but it is ONLY the start. If he isn't working a plan of some sort, this is nothing but "15 minutes of sobriety." Even if he IS working a plan, he's so new to it that there can't have been any really meaningful changes yet.
Your attention belongs on YOU. There is no reason for you to spare any more energy or thought on HIS doings than "oh, that's nice."
Let me ask you this: If this situation was one you were hearing about that involved some other folks you didn't even know, would you think less of the woman for "not being happy for" the A? No? Then why think less of yourself?
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
Dear Kaya
One thing that occurs to me, is the fact that being alone in life sucks. I can tell you this from personal experience.
It could be that you and your ex make better friend material than spouse material, although "15 minutes of sobriety" would not earn my friendship.
One thing that occurs to me, is the fact that being alone in life sucks. I can tell you this from personal experience.
It could be that you and your ex make better friend material than spouse material, although "15 minutes of sobriety" would not earn my friendship.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya.......I think it would help whan you are talking or even thiking abou him and this relationship-----to replace the word "casualty" with the word "survivor".
Trying to be "friends" after the end of a toxic destructive rel ationship, is a fools errand almost everfyf time---it just prolongs the agony.
When friendship is even possible, is after both people have established new lives and healed from the old pathology, independently. And, if there was enough comonality and strenghts in the first place.
I think going no cintact woulld greaqtly improve your journey through this grieving and get you free from his Siren Call.
Trying to be "friends" after the end of a toxic destructive rel ationship, is a fools errand almost everfyf time---it just prolongs the agony.
When friendship is even possible, is after both people have established new lives and healed from the old pathology, independently. And, if there was enough comonality and strenghts in the first place.
I think going no cintact woulld greaqtly improve your journey through this grieving and get you free from his Siren Call.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by dandylion
Kaya.......I think it would help whan you are talking or even thiking abou him and this relationship-----to replace the word "casualty" with the word "survivor".
What a difference using the word "survivor." I know I will be doing this going forward.
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