Does Recovery Mean Facing The Past?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Does Recovery Mean Facing The Past?
My AW has resurfaced in the last two weeks. She’s called the last two Sunday nights wanting to talk to my 12-YO daughter. On Halloween my daughter was out bring treats to our neighbors that she’d made. I was able to talk to my AW for 15-plus minutes. I received a lot of “I don’t call because you only want to rehash the past”, and “ you just want to kick me when I’m down” then the “you put me in here, you don’t understand”.
She called again Sunday night. I got about 45- seconds with her then (per my attorney advice) i shouldn’t keep my daughter from talking to her. I handed her the phone and my daughter started really going off on her about the AW spouting off to her friends about getting divorced in early September, dodging the 12-YOs question about it, lying about callbacks and visitation, and asking how she could be out spending (all of it) money in her account while in rehab. The AW kept trying to butt in to say “ but no, it isn’t like that, your dad….” The AW eventually just hung up after a couple minutes of this.
it sure doesn’t seem like that facility is encouraging any sort of reflection or accountability for past actions. I mean, she’d spun totally out of control in 2021, and there’s no gratitude, no humility, always rebuffs my offers to meet and talk (even with her therapist present). I think the best comment from her was “this isn’t couples counseling”. No it’s not, but when she’s brought a predatory creep into our family dynamic I’m fighting hard as hell to keep her away. I just dumbfounded at the lack of remorse or acceptance of the olive branch. Looks like strength only from here on out. If she wasn’t there she’d have the family on edge 10x daily by being stoned/drunk, driving embarrassing the kid in front of neighbors…it’s so demoralizing and frustrating to be the bad guy to her. Yes, I’ve given up on the relationship (hurts badly daily), decided she’s forever bat-crap crazy, but know I’m going to have to deal legally and for another 5.5 years with her regarding our daughter. Not looking toward to that.
She called again Sunday night. I got about 45- seconds with her then (per my attorney advice) i shouldn’t keep my daughter from talking to her. I handed her the phone and my daughter started really going off on her about the AW spouting off to her friends about getting divorced in early September, dodging the 12-YOs question about it, lying about callbacks and visitation, and asking how she could be out spending (all of it) money in her account while in rehab. The AW kept trying to butt in to say “ but no, it isn’t like that, your dad….” The AW eventually just hung up after a couple minutes of this.
it sure doesn’t seem like that facility is encouraging any sort of reflection or accountability for past actions. I mean, she’d spun totally out of control in 2021, and there’s no gratitude, no humility, always rebuffs my offers to meet and talk (even with her therapist present). I think the best comment from her was “this isn’t couples counseling”. No it’s not, but when she’s brought a predatory creep into our family dynamic I’m fighting hard as hell to keep her away. I just dumbfounded at the lack of remorse or acceptance of the olive branch. Looks like strength only from here on out. If she wasn’t there she’d have the family on edge 10x daily by being stoned/drunk, driving embarrassing the kid in front of neighbors…it’s so demoralizing and frustrating to be the bad guy to her. Yes, I’ve given up on the relationship (hurts badly daily), decided she’s forever bat-crap crazy, but know I’m going to have to deal legally and for another 5.5 years with her regarding our daughter. Not looking toward to that.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I will be honest, I had to deal with this kind of stuff with my first XAH. I would suggest that you don't discuss adult stuff with your daughter other than what she already knows; perhaps not repeat or speak in front of your daughter about things like finances (the account your AW's drained) and things that should stay strictly between you and your AW. From experience, that dynamic can get ugly during divorce proceedings, plus it's easier on children if they don't wind up in the middle, however accidentally.
I can also say that children do watch us and they do see the truth. Your daughter knows the difference between how you speak and behave and how your AW does. As your daughter gets older she will know who she can go to, who she can trust and upon whom she can depend. So even if you worry about the things your AW might say on the phone, know that you are taking the high road and modeling the kind of behavior and communication you'd like your daughter to learn.
I guess I should also add that my experience with rehab is that they seem to focus on stabilising mental health and getting people sober, but depending on the facility and whether they use 12 step structure, there is sometimes not an emphasis on individual and family therapy until the patient is stable. It varies by facility.
I can also say that children do watch us and they do see the truth. Your daughter knows the difference between how you speak and behave and how your AW does. As your daughter gets older she will know who she can go to, who she can trust and upon whom she can depend. So even if you worry about the things your AW might say on the phone, know that you are taking the high road and modeling the kind of behavior and communication you'd like your daughter to learn.
I guess I should also add that my experience with rehab is that they seem to focus on stabilising mental health and getting people sober, but depending on the facility and whether they use 12 step structure, there is sometimes not an emphasis on individual and family therapy until the patient is stable. It varies by facility.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Drinkers don't want anyone bringing up any truth of their behaviours and certainly don't want to face any consequences of them.
That is how you can tell if and when they are working a recovery program, they will start owning their behaviours.
That is how you can tell if and when they are working a recovery program, they will start owning their behaviours.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12 
Drinkers don't want anyone bringing up any truth of their behaviours and certainly don't want to face any consequences of them.
That is how you can tell if and when they are working a recovery program, they will start owning their behaviours.
That is how you can tell if and when they are working a recovery program, they will start owning their behaviours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
A common saying is - recovery looks like recovery - there shouldn't be a lot of guessing.
It's not a real science per-se but let's pretend this is as much in to recovery as she will ever be (not drinking - period) is that enough for you? So it's really what your own boundaries are. It's a process, but it doesn't look like your wife is interested. The 12 steps of AA is a pretty good guideline if you want to see something more concrete.
I have to say I'm a bit surprised that your 12 year old knew all those things? I know she's not a baby anymore, but at 12, I didn't know that much about my parents, I was too busy being 12 - you know what I mean?
Please know I'm not criticizing you or your parenting, I'm just surprised. That's a lot for a child to deal with.
It's not a real science per-se but let's pretend this is as much in to recovery as she will ever be (not drinking - period) is that enough for you? So it's really what your own boundaries are. It's a process, but it doesn't look like your wife is interested. The 12 steps of AA is a pretty good guideline if you want to see something more concrete.
I have to say I'm a bit surprised that your 12 year old knew all those things? I know she's not a baby anymore, but at 12, I didn't know that much about my parents, I was too busy being 12 - you know what I mean?
Please know I'm not criticizing you or your parenting, I'm just surprised. That's a lot for a child to deal with.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
I was taught and had to learn that recovery is
repairing damages done to people, places or
things done, before, during and after in our addiction.
We learn to be accountable for our actions
and learn how to not repeat them in the future.
repairing damages done to people, places or
things done, before, during and after in our addiction.
We learn to be accountable for our actions
and learn how to not repeat them in the future.
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