AH Arrested…Finally Gets It?
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Join Date: Oct 2021
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AH Arrested…Finally Gets It?
I’m really struggling here and feel like I’m drowning…
First, I’m new here, clearly, so hey everyone and thank you for any and all help.
Second, my husband and I have been together for a little over 4 years (second marriage for both of us) and he is an alcoholic. I knew there were signs of this in the beginning of the relationship, but nothing “bad” happened until NYE 2018 when he put his hands on me (no punching/hitting/slapping) for the first time while obliterated. Prior to that, he was always just really aggravating and slightly belligerent when he drank heavily.
After that first incident, he continued to be a very mean drunk. He has a sweet spot where he is fun and happy, then he takes a turn and it’s all downhill. He gets verbally abusive and in the past 3 years, he has said a lot that he can never take back. He has put his hands on me on several other occasions (again no punching/hitting/slapping), but I’ve always just threatened to leave him, call the cops, etc., but never followed through because he would always cry and apologize and make empty promises of slowing down and never ever doing any of that to me again (yeah, right).
He had always refused to admit he had a problem or that he was an alcoholic. Wouldn’t get treatment. Said he could cut back on his own.
Well, we all know how that goes…he would drink in secret, I would figure it out, and we would cycle through on a regular basis. This past Thursday, he was only home for 3 days, back from his recent deployment (he’s a government contractor) and he’s at it again, after all the grand promises he made a newfound clarity. He put his hands on me again, more than once that night, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I called the cops. He was arrested and taken to jail overnight. Since he was released, he’s gone to AA every day, he openly admits he is an alcoholic and has a problem, and I’m walking a tightrope of trying to be supportive of his sobriety while also trying to heal.
I work in the legal field so he keeps talking to me about his upcoming court stuff…that has me as the victim (I loathe calling myself that)…I cannot keep going down this path. I work 40+ hours/week, I’m taking 5 college courses for my bachelors, I shuffle two kids to various sports practices and games, and now this. I’m tired and I feel like this whole thing is all about him and I can’t breathe.
Please please help me navigate this.
First, I’m new here, clearly, so hey everyone and thank you for any and all help.
Second, my husband and I have been together for a little over 4 years (second marriage for both of us) and he is an alcoholic. I knew there were signs of this in the beginning of the relationship, but nothing “bad” happened until NYE 2018 when he put his hands on me (no punching/hitting/slapping) for the first time while obliterated. Prior to that, he was always just really aggravating and slightly belligerent when he drank heavily.
After that first incident, he continued to be a very mean drunk. He has a sweet spot where he is fun and happy, then he takes a turn and it’s all downhill. He gets verbally abusive and in the past 3 years, he has said a lot that he can never take back. He has put his hands on me on several other occasions (again no punching/hitting/slapping), but I’ve always just threatened to leave him, call the cops, etc., but never followed through because he would always cry and apologize and make empty promises of slowing down and never ever doing any of that to me again (yeah, right).
He had always refused to admit he had a problem or that he was an alcoholic. Wouldn’t get treatment. Said he could cut back on his own.
Well, we all know how that goes…he would drink in secret, I would figure it out, and we would cycle through on a regular basis. This past Thursday, he was only home for 3 days, back from his recent deployment (he’s a government contractor) and he’s at it again, after all the grand promises he made a newfound clarity. He put his hands on me again, more than once that night, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I called the cops. He was arrested and taken to jail overnight. Since he was released, he’s gone to AA every day, he openly admits he is an alcoholic and has a problem, and I’m walking a tightrope of trying to be supportive of his sobriety while also trying to heal.
I work in the legal field so he keeps talking to me about his upcoming court stuff…that has me as the victim (I loathe calling myself that)…I cannot keep going down this path. I work 40+ hours/week, I’m taking 5 college courses for my bachelors, I shuffle two kids to various sports practices and games, and now this. I’m tired and I feel like this whole thing is all about him and I can’t breathe.
Please please help me navigate this.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
hi Knoel, glad you found the forum.
Well, as you said, this is ALL about him. My best advice would to be to let him be all about him (since he is anyway). There is your side of the street and his - that's his. His alcoholism, his court case, him needing to sort himself out.
Frankly your life with him sounds like hell. I'm glad you called the police, there is never a reason for someone to put their hands on you and that can be horribly dangerous, as I'm sure you know.
Perhaps it is time for time away from all this? Is there somewhere he can go while he works on his issues? Can he stay with friends or family perhaps? This gives you both time to really get clarity and for you to decide how you would like to proceed.
It's nice he is attempting to get help, I don't know if he has before but as you know, that may or may not be a solution for him right now.
Have you considered a separation? Is that feasible? Are you really safe?
Well, as you said, this is ALL about him. My best advice would to be to let him be all about him (since he is anyway). There is your side of the street and his - that's his. His alcoholism, his court case, him needing to sort himself out.
Frankly your life with him sounds like hell. I'm glad you called the police, there is never a reason for someone to put their hands on you and that can be horribly dangerous, as I'm sure you know.
Perhaps it is time for time away from all this? Is there somewhere he can go while he works on his issues? Can he stay with friends or family perhaps? This gives you both time to really get clarity and for you to decide how you would like to proceed.
It's nice he is attempting to get help, I don't know if he has before but as you know, that may or may not be a solution for him right now.
Have you considered a separation? Is that feasible? Are you really safe?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Glad you finally took action, and your current situation does sound exhausting. Getting sober is hard work and recovery (through the AA program or other) takes a long time, especially if there are underlying anger issues. He may be able to do it, but many fail, or make several attempts before it sticks. He should be sharing what he is learning in AA, not strategies about the upcoming court proceedings, which indicates that it is still all about him. Proceed with caution. As mentioned, a separation often helps bring clarity and to keep the alcoholic focused on what they have to do, and the partner to have breathing room, but that is up to you. Please put your safety first and read more threads on here - some of these situations go on for decades so in that regard you are fortunate.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Dear KNoelK, As you and others have said, it's all up to him now. Best to focus on yourself and your children; you've been through so much, and leave him to do what he needs to do. He got himself where he is and only he can get himself better. I can only share that I separated from my alcoholic during his early recovery...and that worked out well for both of us. I hope you will continue to post and share and let us know how you are doing. This is a wonderful resource.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Good for you not taking it anymore and calling the police. Hopefully the arrest shows you mean business but does he. Going to AA regular a good thing but is he doing it to avoid jail or actually sober up and change his ways.
Unfortunately many an alcoholic or addict are simply showing their true colors acting on impulse and/or thoughts & emotions that would be in their head drunk or sober.
Safety and children are the number one priority.
Stay safe and good luck!
Unfortunately many an alcoholic or addict are simply showing their true colors acting on impulse and/or thoughts & emotions that would be in their head drunk or sober.
Safety and children are the number one priority.
Stay safe and good luck!
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