Ex wife in bad shape in the hospital
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Ex wife in bad shape in the hospital
Hi All,
She is back in the hospital. I found out from her neighbour. She had been drinking for several days. She has a host of things going on but most concerning is a bad infection (sepsis). She is being transferred to a larger city hospital to treat it. I am so worried...I pray she won't die. I have read too many threads about loved ones dying. Am I so scared right now. I wonder if the alcohol may have been a complication in this extreme skin infection. Anyone have any thoughts or experience on this?
She is back in the hospital. I found out from her neighbour. She had been drinking for several days. She has a host of things going on but most concerning is a bad infection (sepsis). She is being transferred to a larger city hospital to treat it. I am so worried...I pray she won't die. I have read too many threads about loved ones dying. Am I so scared right now. I wonder if the alcohol may have been a complication in this extreme skin infection. Anyone have any thoughts or experience on this?
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Sometimes skin rashes can be connected to liver issues. When my mom was battling cancer, she had strange skin rashes and a brush with sepsis when cancer activity began in her liver. No alcohol in her case, but since we know alcohol can cause liver problems it may be a contributing factor.
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Sending best wishes for her speedy recovery.
Alcohol reduces the efficiency of the immune system, which can cause an infection, to become sepsis. I'm sure they will give her loads of IV antibiotics, and that will surely help. Plus, she won't be drinking, which will help her immune system to "reboot" so to speak.
Take good care of yourself, as your ex will be well cared for in hospital.
Much Love
Bute x
Alcohol reduces the efficiency of the immune system, which can cause an infection, to become sepsis. I'm sure they will give her loads of IV antibiotics, and that will surely help. Plus, she won't be drinking, which will help her immune system to "reboot" so to speak.
Take good care of yourself, as your ex will be well cared for in hospital.
Much Love
Bute x
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Update:
Well after telling me she was likely to be transferred out to a city hospital, she has now been released. I guess I was totally off on the situation?! Then she gets home and the texting begins, the calls start, she wants to talk to our daughter, which she did...and my daughter was upset after...she had a good rant. I called the ex and said for her to take it slow, she called her gun-s-a-blazing. Lets paint together, lets have lunch etc...I could hear in her voice that all she wants is to be with and connect with her daughter. My heart literally breaks as I remember what it was like being away from our daughter when we first seperated years ago. I asked her to proceed slowly and thoughtfully and she took it as a threat that I would be going legal on her again, which I assured her I wasn't. She spammed me through the night, I love you, how could you, etc...
I forget what to do...
Well after telling me she was likely to be transferred out to a city hospital, she has now been released. I guess I was totally off on the situation?! Then she gets home and the texting begins, the calls start, she wants to talk to our daughter, which she did...and my daughter was upset after...she had a good rant. I called the ex and said for her to take it slow, she called her gun-s-a-blazing. Lets paint together, lets have lunch etc...I could hear in her voice that all she wants is to be with and connect with her daughter. My heart literally breaks as I remember what it was like being away from our daughter when we first seperated years ago. I asked her to proceed slowly and thoughtfully and she took it as a threat that I would be going legal on her again, which I assured her I wasn't. She spammed me through the night, I love you, how could you, etc...
I forget what to do...
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😳 Sounds like the hospital scare sent her spiraling a bit. Honestly, it sounds like she was perhaps looking to pick a fight. What my mom used to call “looking for an emotional orgasm”—that feeling of release after a big emotional blowout/storm/drama fight. It almost seems like having a moment of facing mortality & the consequences of her drinking is a wake-up call she is trying everything to avoid facing. And triggering emotional drama & chaos is a great way to avoid really feeling our feelings…. 🙄
She may want to connect with her daughter because a part of her realizes (after hospital scare) that she doesn’t want to die without being in a good place with her daughter. However, that doesn’t mean that tiny voice is stronger than the denial voices of her alcoholism! Even if there are good intentions deep down, doesn’t mean she is capable right now of being a good or safe person in your daughter’s life. She may want to be able to blame you for her troubled relationship with her daughter rather than blame the alcoholism (again avoidance and denial).
I know those are just observations from someone on the internet! Not actually useful ideas on “what to do” 😬. The only thing I can think of is refreshing boundaries with her. And not letting her project her emotional issues right now onto you guys. I’m gonna guess there might be some more drama for as long as she feels badly about her life and relationships after facing mortality, but of course doesn’t want to face the real problem, the alcoholism. She’s probably spiraling between trying to numb it, face it, or pass the baggage onto you all…
She may want to connect with her daughter because a part of her realizes (after hospital scare) that she doesn’t want to die without being in a good place with her daughter. However, that doesn’t mean that tiny voice is stronger than the denial voices of her alcoholism! Even if there are good intentions deep down, doesn’t mean she is capable right now of being a good or safe person in your daughter’s life. She may want to be able to blame you for her troubled relationship with her daughter rather than blame the alcoholism (again avoidance and denial).
I know those are just observations from someone on the internet! Not actually useful ideas on “what to do” 😬. The only thing I can think of is refreshing boundaries with her. And not letting her project her emotional issues right now onto you guys. I’m gonna guess there might be some more drama for as long as she feels badly about her life and relationships after facing mortality, but of course doesn’t want to face the real problem, the alcoholism. She’s probably spiraling between trying to numb it, face it, or pass the baggage onto you all…
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Thanks for the reply. Great perspective also. I think I am short on perspective at the moment. This last event really rocked me...I was worried she would maybe bet very ill and how would that effect my kid? Imagining someone in that state, really softened me up and I felt very sad, scared and nostalgic again. Same old pattern right? Then she chews me out, that her 2 drunk calls to her daughter were "mistakes" and she should not be punished. I am not even punishing now tho...I am still keeping the door open for her to have contact when my daughter wants it and when mother is sober...UGH
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WL…as gently as I can, something isn’t adding up here. Someone doesn’t go from being near death with sepsis to discharge in a day.
Wasn’t there another incident where she was telling you she had cancer?
It’s a Top Ten Tactic in the Addiction Playbook…create a melodrama that makes the addict the victim. You’ve been here before, yes?
Wasn’t there another incident where she was telling you she had cancer?
It’s a Top Ten Tactic in the Addiction Playbook…create a melodrama that makes the addict the victim. You’ve been here before, yes?
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Yes. And My impression was things were not very good in the hospital. She get's out after telling me they treated her for a niacin deficiency and that her body rash, which had grown over her torso, settled down and that it wasn't sepsis. I am too close to the fire again. OK, so look after myself, tend to my work, daughter, health and the rest will unfold as it always does. I can't control where this spirals, or how she will come at me. I can take a compassionate approach and not get into positions where I have to apologize or regret my actions.
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When I was about - I'll guess late teens, my alcoholic Aunt showed up at our house, at like 2:00 in the morning. She said my uncle had died, she was distraught. I stayed up with her for about 2 hours, commiserating and listening to her.
The next morning, when the rest of the family was up, I was talking out the side of my mouth saying "uncle so and so is dead" - but the Aunt was saying nothing.
Come to find out he wasn't dead (he was in the hospital, but not dead and didn't die at that time).
I suppose I could have had compassion for her as you have for your ex wife, but that's not what I felt at all, I felt nothing. I was a bit ticked that I had been up for 2 hours in the middle of the night. This was the norm in my growing up world, weird things happened and we all carried on.
Alcoholics, especially those in advanced alcoholism, do not think clearly.
You are spot on here. You can't take any serious cues from her because her thinking is not clear. The fact that she is panicking about bonding with your Daughter is too bad (and I actually mean that) but your priority is your Daughter (and you!). I'm glad the situation with the ex turned out not to be serious at all.
The next morning, when the rest of the family was up, I was talking out the side of my mouth saying "uncle so and so is dead" - but the Aunt was saying nothing.
Come to find out he wasn't dead (he was in the hospital, but not dead and didn't die at that time).
I suppose I could have had compassion for her as you have for your ex wife, but that's not what I felt at all, I felt nothing. I was a bit ticked that I had been up for 2 hours in the middle of the night. This was the norm in my growing up world, weird things happened and we all carried on.
Alcoholics, especially those in advanced alcoholism, do not think clearly.
Originally Posted by woodlandlost 
I am too close to the fire again. OK, so look after myself, tend to my work, daughter, health and the rest will unfold as it always does. I can't control where this spirals, or how she will come at me. I can take a compassionate approach and not get into positions where I have to apologize or regret my actions.
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I was re-reading one of my fav's and saw this quote. Maybe it will help me and someone else.
"I may not be able to detach myself from all your junk today, but I will someday, because even though you and I are telling me that you are so very powerful - it's just your disease that is so powerful. If you were the powerful one, you wouldn't even have it, and you wouldn't need to continually try to prove to me that you are so powerful.
Drews, Toby Rice. Getting Them Sober Volume 3 . Recovery Communications, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
"I may not be able to detach myself from all your junk today, but I will someday, because even though you and I are telling me that you are so very powerful - it's just your disease that is so powerful. If you were the powerful one, you wouldn't even have it, and you wouldn't need to continually try to prove to me that you are so powerful.
Drews, Toby Rice. Getting Them Sober Volume 3 . Recovery Communications, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
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Originally Posted by woodlandlost
I was re-reading one of my fav's and saw this quote. Maybe it will help me and someone else.
"I may not be able to detach myself from all your junk today, but I will someday, because even though you and I are telling me that you are so very powerful - it's just your disease that is so powerful. If you were the powerful one, you wouldn't even have it, and you wouldn't need to continually try to prove to me that you are so powerful.
Drews, Toby Rice. Getting Them Sober Volume 3 . Recovery Communications, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
"I may not be able to detach myself from all your junk today, but I will someday, because even though you and I are telling me that you are so very powerful - it's just your disease that is so powerful. If you were the powerful one, you wouldn't even have it, and you wouldn't need to continually try to prove to me that you are so powerful.
Drews, Toby Rice. Getting Them Sober Volume 3 . Recovery Communications, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
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Dear Woodland
I am so sorry to see all this going on. Just because we can't live with them doesn't mean we stop caring.
As for her wanting to "connect" with your daughter, my experience with addicts indicates that they want warm bodies around while they drink/rant/complain/ stir up their drama. They don't have any interest in "connecting."
I am so sorry to see all this going on. Just because we can't live with them doesn't mean we stop caring.
As for her wanting to "connect" with your daughter, my experience with addicts indicates that they want warm bodies around while they drink/rant/complain/ stir up their drama. They don't have any interest in "connecting."
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Sorry late to this thread- but things could well have been bad in the hospital and she checked herself out against her doctors orders, regardless. I go with some AA's sometimes into rehabs, they do the AA pitch, I do the Alanon. On one occasion a patient came up to me as we were leaving and told me he couldn't take it being there anymore and asked me to check him out. I declined and suggested he pick up the Big Book instead.
My mother is still using and we occasionally have "hospital evenings" when she falls and is taken to the hospital- we hear about the alcohol on her breath from the paramedics/docs etc, which she absolutely denies to an amazing level of believability. She is usually desperate to leave (embarrassed I guess), to the point of forcibly getting out of the bed or off the gurney, ripping off the monitor sensors and walking up to the nurse station to demand to know when she will be discharged. Sometimes I can distract her- suggesting empathy for the overworked ER nurses now having to redo all her monitors, which only sometimes works.
My mother is still using and we occasionally have "hospital evenings" when she falls and is taken to the hospital- we hear about the alcohol on her breath from the paramedics/docs etc, which she absolutely denies to an amazing level of believability. She is usually desperate to leave (embarrassed I guess), to the point of forcibly getting out of the bed or off the gurney, ripping off the monitor sensors and walking up to the nurse station to demand to know when she will be discharged. Sometimes I can distract her- suggesting empathy for the overworked ER nurses now having to redo all her monitors, which only sometimes works.
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