Done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Done.
Hi all. It's been over a year since I last posted. I had really hoped that I would end up being one of the stories where my partner continued to be sober and we managed to run off into the sunset with our happily after. Unfortunately it didn't but it is a success story nonetheless. I know there are people on here who would be scouring in desperation for stories where the partner becomes sober and everything is okay, I know I did. I'm sorry I can't be one of those stories but hopefully you will reach a good point like I did.
I posted last year regarding trust in December. He had actually intended to propose to me on his one year anniversary but I declined and said it was too soon. I had learnt form this sub here not to make any life changing decisions until at least one year and I just could not accept it. It was really...sad for me. I had never thought I would ever say no. I felt sad I was not excited, and instead dread. I felt so guilty and worried it might trigger a relapse. I had really hoped that my trust in him would be fully healed by one year but I really underestimated how burnt I was by the events which lead to me posting on this forum in the first instance. We had a good talk about it and my feelings on why I can;t accept an engagement just yet. We were not living together (a boundary I put in place to protect my career), he had yet to really reconcile with my mum and..it just did not feel right.
I'm in the UK so this was all in the midst of a lockdown and being in healthcare I made it so I did not interact until everyone I knew was vaccinated and the rules allowed for it. He owns a nursing home and is a medic too so I thought he of all people would understand the risks involved in meeting up. I was stuck in the hospital until March, but the rules still had not relaxed by then. Either way it was just a really busy time for both of us. My flat was also located further from his work and had no additional parking. I vacated the place in May.
I was also in the midst of buying property. Again I was not really boundaried with my mum (something I need to work on, we have a deeply codependent relationship) and it was under her pressure I started looking. He got a bit insulted that I wasn't looking at property with him. I was nervous about getting into a financial situation with him, I cannot lie. I was also unsure of myself (I had lost a lot of confidence in whether I am cut out for full time work in the past few years, in part because of the trauma inflicted on me by him) and eventually I ended up telling my own mother if she wanted to buy property she would have to do it herself. I was so worn done by Covid I almost ceded control and agreed to a mortgage. Either way though the property was intentioned for both of us, the question was when.
I had moved back to my parents in May to save money on rent and the lease on my previous place had gone. Things had become a bit more tense in May. I was now working longer hours in a different hospital and was further away meaning my time was getting more sparse. The backlog of work from Covid was also coming into play as well. I also can't express how tired I was (and even now...still am). I was finding it increasingly more difficult to spend time together with him but he was also busy with Covid as well. We had agreed to meeting up at least once a week.
All of the above just put more of a strain on the relationship. We had not been able to spend much time together and when we did an awful lot of it was just spending time at a house or going for walks because things weren't really opening up. When they were, he would have to make the journey to see me because being a business owner he had more flexibility and shorter hours.
This was when the cracks started showing.
He started off by saying how things were boring and that we did not do anything. He did not want to just be watching TV all the time. Even though, that was often what we only had left to do during a winter lockdown in the city. He started getting very angsty about us not living together. Even though I was between places and he could afford to get a place by himself in the mean time if he wanted. He then started saying how he does not want to do the steps and found AA a bit pointless. He started resenting me for having to go the meetings because I wold otherwise panic (ditto his parents). He started resenting me for not being more available. He started resenting me for being a medic. He started saying how he did not need anyone and that he was "awesome".
It had all started becoming a bit too familiar.
He broke up with me in August citing the relationship had lost it's spark and was going nowhere. He blamed me for not accepting his proposal. He did "generously" state it was his fault I ended up feeling the way I did. He compared how he felt to how he felt after finding out he had been cheated on in a previous relationship which was harsh. He reiterated how he hated feeling obliged to go to AA for me and his parents. He was acting quite erratic. To be honest I had become so detached to the whole situation I actually didn't even react much at the time. Over in 30 minutes. He came back briefly to collect something but I was all numb to it. Agreed no contact. It was quite amicable in all honesty.
3 weeks later I had even downloaded a dating app. I only kept it for a week because I realised it was too soon but I managed to get some dates for the next month in any case. He had however put the feelers out through my relatives. And I fell for the bloody breadcrumbs and it got toxic real fast.
I called him and asked him one last time if he had fallen out of love with me. He said no. But then the following day said he did not know. In all of this he was acting erratic. I also jokingly said the timing of the break up conveniently coincided with a nurse he employed own break up. He then confessed to having gotten close but not having feelings. It was all a bit of a mind ****. He also told me said nurse had feelings but didn't want a relationship. It was really really odd. Throughout all this he wanted me to take full responsibility for the break down of the relationship but to also be patient with hm whilst he sorts out his feelings. I remember one night he started listing off the traits which would make me a suitable partner for him. What an ego eh? A few days of this and I told him to **** off and I thought that was that. I was actually pissed off because I had cancelled my dates I planned. He may not be drinking but the dry drunk was very real and I just did not want to deal with that.
Or so I thought.
He then contacted me on an email I hadn't think to block a week later saying how sorry he was and that I was his light and his wall had come down. Bla bla bla. I contacted his dad because I was worried about suicide risk but that was a slippery slope in itself and we eventually started talking again. This time he was sure of his feelings and that he will not contact this nurse outside of work and happy to show my phone. I thought okay it's a blip, he is serious about keeping the relationship and I can admit to some fault on my part for being distant and not communicating. Everything was fine.
Or so I thought.
The next two weeks were strange. He started back tracking on a few things and had started blaming me again. He wanted serious conversations but then would say he was too tired for them. He wanted me to tell him if I was stressed but then would deflect and say I was stressed out too much. He said he won't contact that nurse outside of work but wanted to promote her to deputy manager and couldn't understand why I would be so upset over a "business decision". He started to claim I brought drama to his life...even though the reason why he wanted to break up was because I was distant. It was getting really tiring, really fast. I gave him a week. And when I gave him a week, I relented to him staying with me in my new flat for that week.
It was awful. I felt like I was on eggshells around him all the time. Whatever I did would just not be good enough and I felt like I had to second guess everything I did. I actually ended up with severe gastritis leading me to go to the ER from the stress of it all. He verbally attacked me for being too much of medic for not listening to his medical opinion (he is a medic too) and self treating (I have more experience than him, after all he lost his license to practice because of a DUI) but then when I decided to go to appease him (I cringe at this), he blamed me for not using my GP instead in the morning. The worst bit of this was, whilst I was actively retching and in pain, started exclaiming how boring it was and how it reminded of him when I had a mental break down. The same breakdown which he created in me.
My body knew this was not right, it was actively rejecting this, even if my mind had not completely caught up yet.
He didn't last a week. I went home to my parents to give him a break. I lie, to get a break from him, I was in tears after those comments. He then called me to find out where the trash was. I thought how nice, he is cleaning the apartment, maybe he was sorry. The conversation started of actually quite nice and it was fun but then it became odd. It eventually culminated in how I would never trust him talking to any of his workers. After a bit of soothing from me but also standing my ground on the matter of the nurse, he eventually fessed up he had been drinking. And he had been drinking in my apartment. He knew that was a hard boundary for me.
I went over there to see he was in a state. Thanks to SMART F+F I did not yell at him, I was being relatively kind but also alluded to the relationship being over. I was already going to break it off because of his behavior deteriorating but the relapse put the bow on it for me. He has these flashes of rage when he is drunk, and started punching his fists and the table which made me even more strong in my convictions that this was not going to work, lest I end up a battered wife. I have seen those flashes when he talks to his mum but I had thought in his sobriety it would be dealt with. I was wrong.
I managed to get his dad to pick him up but before he left he left me an even nastier surprise. He decided to tell me why he had drank. You guessed it, he had caught feelings for the nurse. Who knows if it was before the break up, whether it was full blown affair, or after. HE then tried to say he stopped having feelings but he felt bad for having feelings.
I'm ashamed to say I somewhat lost it with him at this point. I had the AlAnon phrase (well paraphrase) of them lying whenever they part their lips. I saw red. How dare he mess me around for this long like it was some sick game. How dare he try to get me to win his affections, in a "pick me dance". How dare he treat me in such a disposable way. All of that resentment from years which I had tightly locked away int he forgiven but not forgotten box came raging out as well. This guy had ****** me around for the past 3.5 years.
Well he was going to **** me around for the last time. I kicked him to the curb and told him he was a piece of ****.
The sad part is, I always knew I could not tolerate another relapse. I knew I didn't have it in me. I used to feel so bad about not being like some of the wives who have stayed diligently by the side of their AHs who would drink every night, **** in the bed, have multiple DUIs, etc in the rooms. Why couldn't I love and accept him as he is, and only accept him if he doesn't relapse? Truthfully, if it had been 10 years down the line who knows, maybe I would have. But I couldn't be one of those people who would forgive multiple relapses year in year out.
The really sad part is, I finally saw him for what he is; a very very flawed human being who will never fill that pit of despair and his ego will never allow himself to be humbled. I truly think I have made a lucky escape and I want to thank everyone who had posted on here to help keep my boundaries strong and really make me think for myself and what future I want. I am sad as **** given that it has been 2 weeks since D-Day but...my god it could be so much worse.
Alcoholic, cheater, potential DV? I think I can do better, and my future kids too.
I posted last year regarding trust in December. He had actually intended to propose to me on his one year anniversary but I declined and said it was too soon. I had learnt form this sub here not to make any life changing decisions until at least one year and I just could not accept it. It was really...sad for me. I had never thought I would ever say no. I felt sad I was not excited, and instead dread. I felt so guilty and worried it might trigger a relapse. I had really hoped that my trust in him would be fully healed by one year but I really underestimated how burnt I was by the events which lead to me posting on this forum in the first instance. We had a good talk about it and my feelings on why I can;t accept an engagement just yet. We were not living together (a boundary I put in place to protect my career), he had yet to really reconcile with my mum and..it just did not feel right.
I'm in the UK so this was all in the midst of a lockdown and being in healthcare I made it so I did not interact until everyone I knew was vaccinated and the rules allowed for it. He owns a nursing home and is a medic too so I thought he of all people would understand the risks involved in meeting up. I was stuck in the hospital until March, but the rules still had not relaxed by then. Either way it was just a really busy time for both of us. My flat was also located further from his work and had no additional parking. I vacated the place in May.
I was also in the midst of buying property. Again I was not really boundaried with my mum (something I need to work on, we have a deeply codependent relationship) and it was under her pressure I started looking. He got a bit insulted that I wasn't looking at property with him. I was nervous about getting into a financial situation with him, I cannot lie. I was also unsure of myself (I had lost a lot of confidence in whether I am cut out for full time work in the past few years, in part because of the trauma inflicted on me by him) and eventually I ended up telling my own mother if she wanted to buy property she would have to do it herself. I was so worn done by Covid I almost ceded control and agreed to a mortgage. Either way though the property was intentioned for both of us, the question was when.
I had moved back to my parents in May to save money on rent and the lease on my previous place had gone. Things had become a bit more tense in May. I was now working longer hours in a different hospital and was further away meaning my time was getting more sparse. The backlog of work from Covid was also coming into play as well. I also can't express how tired I was (and even now...still am). I was finding it increasingly more difficult to spend time together with him but he was also busy with Covid as well. We had agreed to meeting up at least once a week.
All of the above just put more of a strain on the relationship. We had not been able to spend much time together and when we did an awful lot of it was just spending time at a house or going for walks because things weren't really opening up. When they were, he would have to make the journey to see me because being a business owner he had more flexibility and shorter hours.
This was when the cracks started showing.
He started off by saying how things were boring and that we did not do anything. He did not want to just be watching TV all the time. Even though, that was often what we only had left to do during a winter lockdown in the city. He started getting very angsty about us not living together. Even though I was between places and he could afford to get a place by himself in the mean time if he wanted. He then started saying how he does not want to do the steps and found AA a bit pointless. He started resenting me for having to go the meetings because I wold otherwise panic (ditto his parents). He started resenting me for not being more available. He started resenting me for being a medic. He started saying how he did not need anyone and that he was "awesome".
It had all started becoming a bit too familiar.
He broke up with me in August citing the relationship had lost it's spark and was going nowhere. He blamed me for not accepting his proposal. He did "generously" state it was his fault I ended up feeling the way I did. He compared how he felt to how he felt after finding out he had been cheated on in a previous relationship which was harsh. He reiterated how he hated feeling obliged to go to AA for me and his parents. He was acting quite erratic. To be honest I had become so detached to the whole situation I actually didn't even react much at the time. Over in 30 minutes. He came back briefly to collect something but I was all numb to it. Agreed no contact. It was quite amicable in all honesty.
3 weeks later I had even downloaded a dating app. I only kept it for a week because I realised it was too soon but I managed to get some dates for the next month in any case. He had however put the feelers out through my relatives. And I fell for the bloody breadcrumbs and it got toxic real fast.
I called him and asked him one last time if he had fallen out of love with me. He said no. But then the following day said he did not know. In all of this he was acting erratic. I also jokingly said the timing of the break up conveniently coincided with a nurse he employed own break up. He then confessed to having gotten close but not having feelings. It was all a bit of a mind ****. He also told me said nurse had feelings but didn't want a relationship. It was really really odd. Throughout all this he wanted me to take full responsibility for the break down of the relationship but to also be patient with hm whilst he sorts out his feelings. I remember one night he started listing off the traits which would make me a suitable partner for him. What an ego eh? A few days of this and I told him to **** off and I thought that was that. I was actually pissed off because I had cancelled my dates I planned. He may not be drinking but the dry drunk was very real and I just did not want to deal with that.
Or so I thought.
He then contacted me on an email I hadn't think to block a week later saying how sorry he was and that I was his light and his wall had come down. Bla bla bla. I contacted his dad because I was worried about suicide risk but that was a slippery slope in itself and we eventually started talking again. This time he was sure of his feelings and that he will not contact this nurse outside of work and happy to show my phone. I thought okay it's a blip, he is serious about keeping the relationship and I can admit to some fault on my part for being distant and not communicating. Everything was fine.
Or so I thought.
The next two weeks were strange. He started back tracking on a few things and had started blaming me again. He wanted serious conversations but then would say he was too tired for them. He wanted me to tell him if I was stressed but then would deflect and say I was stressed out too much. He said he won't contact that nurse outside of work but wanted to promote her to deputy manager and couldn't understand why I would be so upset over a "business decision". He started to claim I brought drama to his life...even though the reason why he wanted to break up was because I was distant. It was getting really tiring, really fast. I gave him a week. And when I gave him a week, I relented to him staying with me in my new flat for that week.
It was awful. I felt like I was on eggshells around him all the time. Whatever I did would just not be good enough and I felt like I had to second guess everything I did. I actually ended up with severe gastritis leading me to go to the ER from the stress of it all. He verbally attacked me for being too much of medic for not listening to his medical opinion (he is a medic too) and self treating (I have more experience than him, after all he lost his license to practice because of a DUI) but then when I decided to go to appease him (I cringe at this), he blamed me for not using my GP instead in the morning. The worst bit of this was, whilst I was actively retching and in pain, started exclaiming how boring it was and how it reminded of him when I had a mental break down. The same breakdown which he created in me.
My body knew this was not right, it was actively rejecting this, even if my mind had not completely caught up yet.
He didn't last a week. I went home to my parents to give him a break. I lie, to get a break from him, I was in tears after those comments. He then called me to find out where the trash was. I thought how nice, he is cleaning the apartment, maybe he was sorry. The conversation started of actually quite nice and it was fun but then it became odd. It eventually culminated in how I would never trust him talking to any of his workers. After a bit of soothing from me but also standing my ground on the matter of the nurse, he eventually fessed up he had been drinking. And he had been drinking in my apartment. He knew that was a hard boundary for me.
I went over there to see he was in a state. Thanks to SMART F+F I did not yell at him, I was being relatively kind but also alluded to the relationship being over. I was already going to break it off because of his behavior deteriorating but the relapse put the bow on it for me. He has these flashes of rage when he is drunk, and started punching his fists and the table which made me even more strong in my convictions that this was not going to work, lest I end up a battered wife. I have seen those flashes when he talks to his mum but I had thought in his sobriety it would be dealt with. I was wrong.
I managed to get his dad to pick him up but before he left he left me an even nastier surprise. He decided to tell me why he had drank. You guessed it, he had caught feelings for the nurse. Who knows if it was before the break up, whether it was full blown affair, or after. HE then tried to say he stopped having feelings but he felt bad for having feelings.
I'm ashamed to say I somewhat lost it with him at this point. I had the AlAnon phrase (well paraphrase) of them lying whenever they part their lips. I saw red. How dare he mess me around for this long like it was some sick game. How dare he try to get me to win his affections, in a "pick me dance". How dare he treat me in such a disposable way. All of that resentment from years which I had tightly locked away int he forgiven but not forgotten box came raging out as well. This guy had ****** me around for the past 3.5 years.
Well he was going to **** me around for the last time. I kicked him to the curb and told him he was a piece of ****.
The sad part is, I always knew I could not tolerate another relapse. I knew I didn't have it in me. I used to feel so bad about not being like some of the wives who have stayed diligently by the side of their AHs who would drink every night, **** in the bed, have multiple DUIs, etc in the rooms. Why couldn't I love and accept him as he is, and only accept him if he doesn't relapse? Truthfully, if it had been 10 years down the line who knows, maybe I would have. But I couldn't be one of those people who would forgive multiple relapses year in year out.
The really sad part is, I finally saw him for what he is; a very very flawed human being who will never fill that pit of despair and his ego will never allow himself to be humbled. I truly think I have made a lucky escape and I want to thank everyone who had posted on here to help keep my boundaries strong and really make me think for myself and what future I want. I am sad as **** given that it has been 2 weeks since D-Day but...my god it could be so much worse.
Alcoholic, cheater, potential DV? I think I can do better, and my future kids too.
Last edited by Kokoro; 10-18-2021 at 02:36 PM. Reason: spelling!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Kokoro 
I told him to **** off
Omg Kokoro, you can do SO much better than this. He is truly an unstable being. Very much not worth your time.
I'm so glad for you that you ended it. Of course, I'm also so sorry you got hurt, it will take time to get over it. Good for you for going with your gut feeling and not making a commitment to him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Hi all, I had kept meaning to reply back but..life. I have gone completely no contact (I have sent a letter telling him that I am selling/ giving away our furniture and he can contact my mother in such an event if he wants money from any sales) and weirdly enough, it already is beginning to feel a bit better? Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of my life to rebuild and was a bit tearful and anxious at that prospect. I have realised in his absence I have not many friends in the city (most of my friends live outside) and whilst I have family and some friends locally, I think I really could do with friends. I am in no shape or form to deal with a relationship at all and don't want to because I am "lonely" or any bad reason like that.
I have to admit a lot of my socialising of late had been mainly around going to SMART F+F and another group centred around being related to an alcohol over the past few years. I also have an online class I attend but I am shocked at how much effort I really did put in for this relationship. I think I would like to reach a point where I am living a normal life and going to socials/ groups/ classes not centred around alcohol anymore. I feel I already have gotten way too invested and involved. Not going to lie, I often envied alot of my friends for not even knowing half the things I know now about alcoholism.
I just want "normal". Is that weird? It feels weird, even though I put up boundaries and did not really see him as much nor lived with him for a while, it really was always this black cloud over the relationship.
I have to admit a lot of my socialising of late had been mainly around going to SMART F+F and another group centred around being related to an alcohol over the past few years. I also have an online class I attend but I am shocked at how much effort I really did put in for this relationship. I think I would like to reach a point where I am living a normal life and going to socials/ groups/ classes not centred around alcohol anymore. I feel I already have gotten way too invested and involved. Not going to lie, I often envied alot of my friends for not even knowing half the things I know now about alcoholism.
I just want "normal". Is that weird? It feels weird, even though I put up boundaries and did not really see him as much nor lived with him for a while, it really was always this black cloud over the relationship.
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