asnider21

Ok guys, looking for advice to help me feel I made the right decision:

Sorry in advance for the length of this. I started dating a girl in February 2021. Immediate attraction and loved spending our time together. I am a social drinker but definitely know my limits. When we first started to hang out we would both socially drink because it relaxed the nerves you get when you first start dating someone and just made things more comfortable. As time went on I would only drink occasionally if we were out and about or on vacation/trips, but never found drinking at home much fun. About 3 months in I really started to notice a trend. She was a red wine drinker/champagne drinker. What I began to notice was she would indulge in at least a bottle a night. Keep in mind she was about 100# soaking wet, so her having a bottle a night would be equivalent to me having 2 bottles. At around the 3 and 4 month mark I started taking note of a few things. Over that time I had noticed by both personal observations and through talking with her that she had basically drank every night except 3 nights during those 4 months. She never pounded the wine but would consistently drink it from about 5:00 pm to taking her last sip right before she rolled over to go to bed. At first it wasn't the amount she drank that bothered me, it was how her demeanor changed and the disconnect that seemed to happen between the 2nd and 3rd glass. I felt as though she became "a different person" and we couldn't really share good conversation at that point. Her eyes would almost glaze over and sometimes she became overly emotional. I remember nights where we did have talks about serious issues/topics that she couldn't recall at all the next morning. We didn't fight much, but when we did it seemed to be alcohol related. She always wanted to "relationship talk" after that 5th glass of wine which to me would never end well. I would tell her that she wasn't in the right state and we could talk about it tomorrow when we're both sober. What I couldn't figure out is at her size she could drink 5 glasses and hardly ever seem super intoxicated. She was still pretty functional at that point usually unless she hadn't eaten that night. There were a few things that stuck out as a problem such as when she started calorie counting and decreasing her food intake so that she could still have the same amount of wine, she denied she had any problems with, she stated she drank "so she didn't feel bad about herself", she had some awkward emotional crying episodes at the end of those nights and between her e-cigarette and wine glass it seemed to always be in her hand. Even when we went to the driving range at the golf course or really anywhere she had it with her. Anyways a couple more months into this I'm sure I brought it up too much because it would annoy her and she would always say "you knew I drank when you started dating me." She did at one point slow down after a big long talk on a vacation, but it didn't last very long. Even on 2 of the days she didn't drink, she replaced it with non-alcholic champagne which I found strange. Anyways we dated overall for 7 months until it was enough of a red flag to me to become comfortable with progressing any more feelings into it. The problem with that is she stated why would she quit her habit if I wasn't willing to commit more and make her feel like she wasn't in a one sided relationship. But of course she was in more of a one sided relationship. I had let her know my concerns and red flags I was seeing and it changed nothing. That made me afraid of fully committing. So after we split, she said I gaslighted her by making her feel like she had a drinking problem when she didn't. That I made her feel crazy for it. She would say that I'm the only one that saw it as a problem. However no one else saw how much she drank every night and saw how she drank every night. She also drank at home alone lots and just the things she said that brought up red flags in my eyes for her dependence on it. Anyways, after the split I began researching lots on "functional alcoholism." She held a great job, never seemed to have hangovers, and it didn't affect her work. But she also was lucky to have a job where she would work 5 hours max per day. After the breakup I started doubting myself on whether I read it correctly and whether she really did have a drinking problem. The fact she still functioned and the things she said made me start to question whether it was a problem she had or just a problem I thought she had. We definitely loved each other, but I noticed after the breakup, she jumped into seeing another guy 4 weeks after. I guess I'm just looking for feedback on whether I was wrong to think she had a problem. My only point of ever bringing it up was to help her. I was ready to walk side by side with her and address it before it becomes even a bigger issue. But she didn't want it and made me feel like I was just putting her down for it, which was never my intention. I just read that sometimes the only way they can want to change is leaving sometimes. Of course me leaving she just jumped into the next thing which was with a guy who lives 7 hours away and can only see on the weekends. Meaning he will never see or be able to notice the drinking alone at home or the affects of it. Some one help me out! Was I wrong to split????

Hawkeye13

She has a problem, and gaslighting is a typical defection of alcoholics. You dodged a bullet. It will just get worse untreated—your instinct is spot on. . .

sage1969

This is pretty similar to how my relationship with my XABF developed over 1 1/2 years. When I told him he had to choose, he chose the alcohol over me.

I'm sorry for your heartache, that this happened to you. You seem fairly cognizant of what happened and how she was manipulating you. I'm hoping you can recognise that it is your own healthy self - perception and boundaries that have gotten you through this experience, that these kind of relationships aren't normal or healthy, and that it was best for you to let this one go.

SparkleKitty

The only important thing is that she drank too much and too often for you. There are plenty of people in the world, we don't have to spend time with someone who wants to live in a way that makes us not want to be in a relationship with them.

For what it's worth, this sounds like typical alcoholic deflection and gaslighting. It's nice you wanted to help her, but you cannot help someone who doesn't want help. Now you're available for a relationship where no one has to wish the other was different so they can be happy. Go get it!

velma929

I heard a saying many years ago: If your drinking is causing problems, you're a problem drinker.

There are exceptions, I suppose. *I* have a drink almost every night. One. And if I don't feel well, or I'm sad about something already, I don't have anything to drink. Years ago I had a car accident and cracked a rib. I found drinking anything at all tended to make it more painful the next morning. I didn't drink at all for weeks. If a perfect mate had come along and said "Lips that touch liquor will never touch mine," maybe I'd have given it up entirely. Ironically, when my AH was alive, I didn't drink thinking it would encourage him not to. Of course, that was pointless.

A whole bottle of wine is a lot. There's supposed to be five servings in a 750ml bottle, yes? Somebody who drinks that much and still seems 'not drunk' has built up a heck of a tolerance.

You couldn't talk to her about serious things. Whether it's because she drinks or any other reason really doesn't matter.

Nd819

Certainly sounds like a problem to me. I think you made the right decision, her drinking would never stop bothering you and she was never going to stop drinking. I think if you read through the forum here you will see many of us who ignored the red flags and signed ourselves up for years of misery. Don't second guess yourself.

asnider21

I know that as long as she kept drinking like that the relationship would never last. But it does get me down that despite her drinking like that she was able to hop in another relationship within a month's time. So I can't help but feel like the one that had a problem with it because clearly she's in the next relationship and I am not. I definitely was not perfect in the relationship and no one ever is, but I feel like that was the one things I could not look past because at some point 4-5 glasses just isn't going to give her that buzz she desires. I haven't spoken with her in 3 weeks and I find myself imagining that she slowed down, which is highly doubtful because now there is no-one warning her about not overdoing it and she honestly believes that amount isn't a problem

SparkleKitty

Does it help to know that this is what happens ALL THE TIME with alcoholics whose partners leave them because of their drinking? It's what my XABF did. He just moved on to another enabler, someone who still found him charming--just like he moved on to me after his last girflriend had had enough of his behavior.

It's not healthy to jump from one relationship to another, in fact it's a sign of exactly the opposite. It's not "winning" to never be able to be alone.

There's a phrase, "Alcoholics don't have relationships; they take hostages." Again I say you should be feeling good about yourself for letting go when you realized that you didn't want to be a relationship with someone who drinks that much. Having good boundaries isn't always immediately gratifying, but they will serve you extremely well in the long run. Ask anyone here who stayed far longer than they should have.

Bewilderd

I think you were looking for something healthier than she was able to give me and you sound like someone who should trust yourself. It does feel terrible when someone moves straight on to someone else but I see that often happening when one person draws boundaries and won't accept the innacceptable, so the adict/disordered or whatever just go and fish elsewhere for what they need - which is the healthy, loving context you seem like you want.

sage1969

I did actually break up a first time with my XABF last year and then gave him another chance. My thinking at the time was that there are no throw away people, and that is true, we each have a soul and a life, we're each some mother's beloved child.

So I gave him another chance and I realised the progressive nature of alcoholism, that he was remembering less and less, that he was in black outs more and more, that his health had really been affected, and all he really needed from me was a drinking buddy. When I started attempting to communicate about the alcoholism, I started seeing a side of him I didn't know existed. I went away with him for a weekend, and after seeing him first thing in the morning, I'd realised I'd never seen him sober in 1 1/2 years, and dry drunk him was actually kind of mean, as well as shaky and ill, until those first couple of beers with breakfast.

So there are no throw away people, but I also remembered that each of us makes our own choices. His was to remain in the alcoholic lifestyle he wants, and mine was to remain in a sober and clean one. Perhaps in a way he might have loved me, but I'll never know, and I was ok when I let go of needing to know why.

asnider21

so then why does it hurt so much to see her out hiking, at the bar and out in town in pictures all smiles!!!!! I feel like I'm the one that's sad and feeling down about it and feel like I'm the on you tubing and googling and on here trying to wrap my head around everything and she's out there living her life and completely moved on like I was nothing. That kind of thing does make me feel like I was the one with the problem!!

SparkleKitty

Have you ever heard the expression “Don’t compare your insides with other people’s outsides”?

Anyone can pull it together long enough to look good on social media. If it’s making you insecure, stop looking at it. It’s only hurting you, and doesn’t represent anything real. Again, trying to make everyone think there’s nothing wrong is straight out of the alcoholic handbook. It isn’t sustainable.

asnider21

I mean I know you are right because if you looked at my recent posts (other than the one where I put my dog down on Friday) you would think I'm living an awesome life when clearly I'm on here struggling. It hasn't been bothering me lately when I see it which was actually a huge relief and helped me to see it and it not bother me. It just makes me feel like I'm missing out on life and she's really just living it up and no one notices if she's drinking or not. I mean hell I don't even know if she's still drinking or not. She made her profile pic of her and the new guy already 4 weeks later. How can I not sit back and think that I'm the one that has a problem since she's bounced back so fast and easy??

sage1969

I just saw a quick video about the nature of social media: how fake it is *and* how it gives us little dopamine hits every time we get a notification.

When you see pics on someone's feed, you are seeing a highly curated version of someone's life. You're seeing the cute pics hiking and around town and with friends. What you are not seeing is the the drinks in the morning to ward off the shakes, the hike starting 2 hours later than planned because someone has to call and remind her to show up, and what she looks like coming in after a night partying with those friends. Social media isn't real. All the problems she had while she was with you, they are still there and will only get worse.

I'd strongly suggest that you go no contact, if you haven't already. This will give you some time to heal, to not have to re - live the raw pain over and over again. Part of the no contact is blocking her on social media.

You really deserve someone better than this. Her treatment of you, that is not how people treat others, especially not if they love them. I know it hurts and it will take time, but try to let her go.

A mantra I use so often right now that I repeat over and over again, "I release all that does not serve me. Everything that does not serve me, I let go."

velma929

The people who take the time to examine what went wrong in their last relationships generally do better than those who simply replace a former partner with a new [unsuspecting] one.

And truthfully, maybe you DO have a problem with her drinking, and maybe new guy doesn't. Desiring a partner who is engaged, involved and sober is a good thing, it isn't really a problem, is it?

asnider21

Ok sage1969
You are spot on with the "dopamine" release with SM. Thinking back when we first got together she was posting all of the same things and making everything about her and I and how great life was, while at the same time I was watching her to continue with her alcohol intake. So yes I see what you are saying there. Anyone who looked at her social media when we were together would never have guessed that she drank like that. But yea so long story short. I unfriended her everything shortly after the breakup. A week went by and I went to send her a text about sitting down and talking and noticed I was blocked and she went ahead and blocked me from everything. I sent a text from my work phone asking if we could sit down and talk, no response. So the next day I wrote a 3 page letter apologizing for some of my mess-ups in the relationship to get it off my chest and left it at her door and drove back home. The next day the cops called me saying she called the saying that was harassment and unwanted. So yes I absolutely have not and cannot contact her. I know I shouldn't look at it (using a friends), but you get caught up with just being curious on whether you're the only one feeling down about it. I mean I do still miss being able to talk to her, even if it's not as anything more than a friend. The letting go is coming in big waves lately. I felt really really good about it this morning and this afternoon took a nosedive. One reason I think why is I had to put my baby boy (dog) down Friday and its been devastating. She knew the time was coming and she helped me with him a lot. The fact of her not reaching out about him, and truly she probably doesn't even know, has bothered me greatly. But I'm sure after calling the cops she's not going to reach out under any circumstances. I actually did some reading with that mantra on it and it does help.

dandylion

asnyder.......it is a universal fact that breaking up of a relationship that you have and still are investing a lot of yourself into, hurts. Actually, "hurts" is not a strong enough word to cover that kind of human pain.

It is a grieving process and there is no way to avoid it.
However, condider the fact that you are going through the grieving---straight up---without the alcohol to numb the feelings. You are having to face life on life's terms, and learn, and regroup and heal. She, on the other hand, has to feel very little, becaudse she has the alcohol to keep any thinking and feeling away from the door.
In the end, you will get past the crippling pain and emerge wiser and more matured and able to go forward in a healthy future. For her, the alcoholism will take it's toll and she will have a mountain of regrets on her shoulders.

Her life is not the carefree Maypole Dance that you imagine it to be. Don't let facebook mess with your head.

trailmix

You were not wrong. What you saw you saw, what you experienced you experienced. Anyone who drinks a bottle of wine a day has a drinking problem - period. She may be an alcoholic (she certainly seems like one), she may be addicted to alcohol (she certainly seems to be) but even if neither of those things were true - still a big drinking problem.

It really only matters how it affects you anyway. You stopped before committing to the relationship and that was wise. If she looks oh so happy online (just like you do), it's just her, drinking and doing what she has always done, just with a new person by her side, just like you were. Will they last more than a few months? Stay tuned, depends how much he is willing to put up with.

She's already in a relationship with alcohol, so really doesn't have time for anyone who wants to interrupt that relationship.

Oh and "high functioning" is just a stage of alcoholism, she will be high functioning until she isn't. I've known alcoholics that managed to make it to work all or most days as well, all their lives, still alcoholics. People tend to think of alcoholism as an affliction of the guy or woman sitting on the sofa drinking cheap vodka, not necessarily so.

No, probably most don't know the extent of her drinking, maybe the new BF doesn't even know yet, as you mentioned he lives far away. But that doesn't matter, you know what you know, you know how that affected you and you know that isn't what you want.

I hope you stay far, far away from her, she is honestly nothing but trouble. While in a normal relationship there might be discussion and perhaps reasons and reasoning, this was not a "normal" relationship. I'm sorry you got hurt.

honeypig

asnider, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog during this time. I'm a dog person too, and honestly, I don't know if I would have had the courage to end my marriage if I hadn't known I'd have my dear hounders to see me through it. I imagine you feel like you've lost every single thing in your life right about now. I'd feel the same.

What everyone has said to you here is spot on, and I won't repeat it since I couldn't say it any better. I'd like to address a different part of the pain in your life. Do you feel it might be helpful to look into finding another dog friend? Some folks need to wait until they're done mourning, but myself, I can't live w/o a dog in my life, so I've always looked for a new friend relatively soon. If that's not in the cards, maybe see if you can volunteer some time as a walker or other type of caregiver at a local shelter. This might help you get some time, space and perspective, and it could also do a lot towards healing wounded souls, both yours and those of the dogs you work with.

Again, I'm sorry for the very hard and painful time you find yourself in. Reading around this forum and continuing to post as needed will help you find your guideposts. Finding a way to connect to those who WILL appreciate and love you will keep you moving along that path. You'll make it.

asnider21

I do still have 2 other pups by the way. Which one I will have to do the same thing with not too far out. They have definitely been nice to lean on both with putting my other down and during the breakup no doubt. I am so glad I found this forum because EVERYONE that has commented has been super insightful and every time I read a new post it makes me feel just a little bit better and understood. I really appreciate you all taking the time out to do so