seekingcalm

I would just like to add my thanks to you for sharing your story...as we often say, so sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found this wonderful site. It's always full of wisdom and experience and hope.
The one thing I want to add is that, aside from the alcoholism, you (and all of us really) deserve to be with someone who would not just move on so quickly after a breakup with you. In so many ways, based on what you've shared, this was not a good situation for you, and the fact that you saw it and got out of it in a rather timely manner saved you from more hurt than you could ever imagine.
Brighter days ahead for you for sure!

Bewilderd

I love the dog post! & I'm sorry about the loss of your beloved dog friend.

I encourage you to imagine how you will think of all of this in a couple of years. Or look back & remember. My guess is you'll understand you dodged a bullet.
Getting out in time leaves us with the 'what if', but staying until there's no doubt means having your doubts confirmed again & again, hoping, investing, repeated betrayals & destruction. Value your doubt as integrity & being in touch with your needs. I'm happy for you.

woodlandlost

Asnider,

You made the call, you might want to applaud yourself for making a clear choice. You will be glad you did.

asnider21

So over the past week I've been feeling a lot better about everything ending but today was yet another pretty bad day. A friend sent me a post the ex made last night about looking for a "property management company." To me that tells me that she is going to rent her townhouse out and move to Florida to be with this guy who she started seeing a month after our breakup. Not going to lie it burns quite a bit to picture that. I mean on one side of the coin he will get to be around her daily drinking and see it first hand but on the other side of the coin it still hurts to know that here I am still hurting and she's up and moving to another state with no worries in the world. I know it's not healthy to keep thinking of these things but the thoughts come up on their own. I spoke with my brother today and he said he didn't see her drinking as a problem if she wasn't acting out or out driving or out acting a fool. He said that lots of people that he knows drink nightly like that and hearing him say that just made me feel worse. I just continue to beat myself up thinking that maybe her drinking isn't any different than a lot of other people. Need some words of encouragement

SparkleKitty

First of all, you can ask your friend to stop informing you of every move your ex is making. It serves nothing but to stir up raw emotions for you.

Secondly, your brother doesn't have a tenth of the insight necessary to make a call on your ex's drinking. He wasn't there. You were. It was too much for YOU. That's the ONLY person it has to be too much for. Ever.

Thirdly, don't for one second believe that she has "no worries in the world." Perfectly happy and content people don't drink 5 glasses of wine a night and then want to talk about their relationship. Anyone who says differently is in denial. You're not.

This new relationship and potential relocation is nothing more than her seeking external validation like she's always done. It has nothing to do with you unless you decide to obsess over it.

Bekindalways

Some day you may well be able to hear about her and not be triggered. That you are not to that point is completely normal. As Sparkle suggested, ask your friend not to talk to you about her; it will just open up wounds. You may have to take a few days or a week to feel more on keel again.

Your brother may well be a mighty fine person and he may be right in that your Ex didn't drink more than many; however many people drink too much and are headed to an unhappy or even tragic life because of drinking. Unless you have been in a relationship with an alcoholic you won't understand how horrific alcohol can make the lives of everyone around the drinker.

Asnider, you are doing all the right things. Unfortunately doing the "right thing" in a situation often sucks in the short term.

Please keep getting through the days as best you can. You are doing Olympic level emotional work right now and it is beyond admirable.

asnider21

I know it! I have asked all of my friends to not share this stuff with me. I think she was just confused on why she was asking for a property management company and she admitted that she knew immediately after she sent it that she shouldn't have. And yea I keep making up dumb excuses in my head like "maybe I could have gotten used to it" or "maybe it really wasn't all that much" over and over again. And all signs point to her being completely carefree and happy. Almost like the weight of me was lifted off of her and she's just renewed now. Again I know most of this stuff is made up in my mind because I haven't even had contact with her to truly know. I just know from what I have seen that it's like heaven for her. She has actually moved to Florida in her past for a guy and the same week she moved in with him his other girlfriend showed up to the house. I know it's easy to get and want external validation because it does spike your ego and self esteem.

asnider21

I think my biggest issue is theres still a small part of me that thinks maybe she's not an alcoholic. I do think a lot of the nights where she was more normal after drinking than other nights. Those are the ones where I question whether she truly is an alcoholic. I just wish there was a solid way of showing she was an alcoholic and it was/is going to get worse if not treated. Like to me I see her all happy and whatnot now and think "well now she's all thrilled and happy and feeling good about herself so now she's probably not drinking." It's definitely huge waves of emotion that I'm working through and I am so glad to have found a site like this to hear from people who understand the struggle. Just reading the 2 responses so far ease my anxiety a little bit.

Bute

I think the fact that she is able to move on so quickly, shows that she has issues with relationships. If this "new guy" doesn't question her drinking, then all is well. If he does, he will get the heave and she will move on to someone else. Her drinking will come to light eventually. That's HIS problem to deal with.
Most of what is posted on social media is a load of cow dung! All happy and ain't life wonderful - they're not going to post the sh*tty parts! It's all pretend!
You know what you know! Her drinking affected you ,- end of story. Your life would have been miserable. Don't doubt yourself, and don't believe that kaka online.
Much Love
Bute x

sage1969

It can be excruciating to break it off with someone who is an alcoholic. It takes some time to heal. Logically and intellectually you know that you couldn't have gotten used to it and that it really was too much, because you took the steps you needed to take to separate yourself from a situation that you knew was no good for you.

The hard thing about this is that there are no hard and fast rules you can apply, you have to as an individual know with what you are comfortable and what you are not. Everyone has an opinion, sure, but what matters is how you stand up for yourself and your boundaries.

I struggled with this also, I think it's common to question if it's really alcoholism. What helped me realise it didn't matter what semantics I used, was asking myself some really serious questions: can I live like this the rest of my life? am I comfortable with my family / children living in the same house? Do I feel safe / cherished / loved?

There's a lot of those kinds of questions but it comes down to what do you want for your life (since you can't control or change hers).

I'm not certain that any particular test will prove her alcoholism without a doubt that will lay your mind at rest if that is your focus, and to be honest, why would she even allow you that information. Would it change anything for you?

I went through some extreme anxiety until I was far enough out of it to see that I had made the right choices for me. Be kind to yourself -- this really will take some time to heal.

honeypig

asnider, when XAH moved out and managed to keep an apartment and his job and lead a seemingly normal life, I questioned myself at times also. Honestly, HAD it been that bad? Was I wrong to expect someone to be honest w/me, pay attention to things I said, have adult discussions about decisions w/me? After all, he didn't cheat on me or beat me, and he seemed to be keeping things together w/o me, so was it really so bad?

Even now, 6 years post divorce, he seems so outwardly normal. On Sunday mornings, he has a handful of guys who build model airplanes who come over to his place. He's retired now and meets friends for burgers for lunch, goes to car shows, stops over at dinnertime to let my dogs out (I work 2nd shift). Anyone on the outside would wonder why on earth I left such a kind, helpful man.

But I know him better than anyone else has in many, many years, and I see the slow, steady slide. He remembers even less of our conversations. Physically, he is significantly weaker and much more unsteady--both of these to a much greater extent than simple aging would show (he's only 66). I'm grateful for the times he helps me, and I do some cooking for him in return. I absolutely do NOT regret unhitching my wagon from him, though, b/c I can see that things have indeed progressed and will continue to do so. A crash will come, and while I'll be very sad and sorry about it, I will also be relieved b/c it's not MY crash.

As others have said, it will take time. Down the road, you'll see that you made the right choice. I feel pretty certain about that.

velma929

That there's no acting out *obvious to others* or drunk driving or anything else doesn't matter. It's your life. If you want to marry someone who doesn't drink at all, that's your business. Your brother wasn't going to live with her, you were.

From your first post:
At first it wasn't the amount she drank that bothered me, it was how her demeanor changed and the disconnect that seemed to happen between the 2nd and 3rd glass. I felt as though she became "a different person" and we couldn't really share good conversation at that point. Her eyes would almost glaze over and sometimes she became overly emotional. I remember nights where we did have talks about serious issues/topics that she couldn't recall at all the next morning.

Not relationship material, from my standpoint. Can a relationship progress if one person can't remember conversations about religion, children, lifestyle, budgets, etc.?

I met men after being widowed who checked *almost all* the boxes: where we talked as if we'd known one another for years, and agreed on some pretty big issues. Most of them were nice men. A couple had no interest in pursuing a relationship with me :-( . One was great, but he smoked. I had lived with a smoker for 25 years, wasn't going to do it again. I have a belief in God. and one told me I was "really smart, for a theist" which is when I first noticed he might have a drinking problem. (Not the sort of comment you make if you're trying to woo someone, is it?) So, pretty nice guys (mostly) but not the ones for me.

Bewilderd

You seem to be a thoughtful and probably deeply feeling person. You got out of that relationship when you made a decision coherent with your self, integrity and knowledge of what you need for heath and well-being. To have a definite label of alcoholism for your ex might help you to feel more secure, but would it change your experience or gut knowledge of what YOU need?

We make changes when the cost of sustaining a situation becomes too high. Perhaps the new partner is differently made to you and can 'tolerate', or 'not' see or feel the potential and real damage. Some of us have been with harmful people then seen them move on and apparently sustain relationships with others. Of course it's hard not to doubt yourself then, but I think in time you realise the next person is simply not on the same planet as you in terms of what they're prepared to accept and that's really their issue. It sounds like it's all happened very fast with the new partner. That in itself is no sign of love, but that the romantic myth is at work - how long does that ever last?

Again I think you should congratulate yourself for having made the right decision for YOU based on what you felt and experienced. I feel sure you'll see that in time, look back, and feel thankful. In the meantime, try to stay in touch with yourself and own body and reality (breathing, grounding, focusing on your life, pleasure, relationships - whatever helps you feel yourself). It will help steer you away from speculating about your ex.

asnider21

Hey everyone!
Just going to update all of you who reached out to help me with your words and support. Since I have logged on here several things have happened. I ended up speaking to the girls ex prior to dating me and he also confirmed his findings of her being an alcoholic. He spoke verbatim on several things I had also said/seen. Since I have logged on last she also stopped seeing the guy in Florida. You guys were right, it must have flamed out quickly. Don't know anything else about that. I also continued no contact with her (remember she called the police on me following dropping off the apology letter.). She ended up reaching out to me one night saying "I'm sorry." I didn't respond for a couple weeks but finally said apology accepted and no hard feelings. I had already forgiven her for my sake. Anyways. just wanted to update everyone! Thanks for all of your help!

Kokoro

You sound like you are doing great 😁 I also questioned if my ex was an alcoholic and if the problem was me (he binged, not an everyday drinker). It did not help I had other people try to refute it ("oh he doesn't drink everyday, is he really an alcoholic?"). It was crazy making.

Bekindalways

Thanks for updating us Asnider.

I'm so glad you managed to get out and stay out of this relationship. She may someday find recovery but it is a tough road even for people who want it desperately. Often any fulfillment you would have gotten from the situation would have been far far outweighed by the pain and grief of her alcoholism.

On the upside, all of us here, who have been in your situation, have hard won wisdom. This can protect us from future toxic relationships as well as supporting others who enter blind into a relationship with an addict.

May 2022 bring you healing, peace and joy.