LovelyKaya33333

Hi Guys... still feeling sad... I am hoping I pop out of it soon. After all I have learned and all I know and the amount of time I have spent reading... Even know I know my exAH is still drinking... without any want to get sober... Even though it is all said and done, there are no more arguments left to be had, no more make up to break up.... no more ... it feels sad somehow still. So final.

It is so healthy for me for this to be over ... but I am still sad. Divorce is sad. What I thought being married meant and the reality of what marriage was is sad. I have finally let it go. I think I am waivering between acceptance and depression. The last 2 phases of grief they say we have when loosing someone you love. I am no longer in denial, no longer even angry. I was certain I wouldn't spend another Christmas alone again or another Christmas being the third wheel among my friends with their families and husbands. The truth is being married to an active alcoholic wasn't any better then being single.

I remember in my late 20s-early 30s going to my friends weddings, baby showers and family events. I dated a lot during this time. I had a number of guys want to marry me at some points but for some reason or another my gut feeling just didn't see a match. I remember the day I met my now exAH ... I went to my parents the next day and told my dad "I think I just met my husband"... I think I am mostly sad because for the first 6 months it really really was amazing. I felt like I finally had a family. I felt part of something. Little did I know at the time what the next 6 years would be like. They were awful and I found myself so badly wanting that connection that I had when I met him. The one that I felt like I waited my whole life for.

I am sad I never had kids. I always wanted to be a mom. I am almost 40. Not that 40 is old but it feels that way right now.

I feel so many emotions today. I also feel extremely proud of myself. I could have told him drinking was ok in our house. I could have not said a word when I felt unheard, belittled, scared, lied to and anxious. At some level I chose me cause I chose to stand up for myself. If I had not he would be in the living room still... drunk no doubt and I would be on here venting about how angry I was that he was drunk yet again. Or hurt that he did some type of betrayal while drunk. I got out though. I came here. I got into therapy. I did extreme amounts of self care. As proud as I am of myself I am also just exhausted. Knowing that the divorce papers where finally filed has felt like 2 days of purging..... Like after a fireman fights a huge fire for days. It is over. I am in the final chapter of the book of my marriage and the first chapter of the Rising after Divorce from an active Alcoholic. Here I am alone again. I am feel brave but exhausted.

Thank you for listening. I know this has been kind of all over the place. Just my thoughts right now

sage1969

Try to get some rest. It will take some time to let go of this.

It does get easier, just give yourself a bit of quiet and forgiveness and rest.

mylifeismine

LovelyKaya, I am so happy to see you say that you are proud of yourself.
I think you should be very proud! You sound so insightful and healthy.
Tomorrow is a new day and like you have said, the beginnings of your
new life. I have such a good feeling about you and moving forward!
You have been through so much, but you have emerged stronger,
healthier, and wiser. I am sorry you have suffered, but the cliche
is true - it's not only what happens to you, it's how you choose
to handle it and you did it/are doing it so well!

LovelyKaya33333

Tank you. I just did a meditation based on letting go. I cried hard for like an hour after that and now I am sleepy from crying so much. It really feels like purging. I had to hold so much in for years to keep the peace that it feels somehow I reconnected with myself and now I am feel all I shoved down.

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you this gave me some strength . I am glad you have a good feeling about me moving forward. Sometimes it is hard to see through the pain and my conditioned mindset that my exAH is my "soulmate"...working through telling myself that for years have proved to be challenging... Thank you though for your words.

Bekindalways

Big hug to you Lovelykaya. Also, for what it is worth, a sitting/lying ovation (I'm in bed typing).

You really have been fighting the good fight. This is tough stuff. You will probably have some more bad days. Just keep feeling all the feels and posting here.

ironwill

Hi LK,
You should be prod of yourself. You were brave and found the strength to say no more to being Lied to, Manipulated, Belittled, and Unworthy. You have come so far in the short time we have know you. You have educated your self, shared, and as we all have cried.

It is sad when a marriage comes to a point that divorce is the only thing that will bring happiness to ones self. We go into the reality of marriage thinking that this is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. Excited and telling everyone how happy we are. It's only after the honeymoon phase that we learn about the true person we married. The problem with alcohol is that it is a progressive disease and one most people don't think they have a problem with. When in reality they do have a problem. These dreams were stolen away from you by alcohol one day at a time. It creeps in and establishes a foot hold on the person you care for. Before you know it alcohol has taken your spot as the person first true love. You are just someone who gets in the way. You did everything in your power to keep the life blood of marriage alive. But alcohol had more power over your exh. Nothing you could have ever done would of changed him. He has to open his eyes to the reality of what alcohol has brought him.

I know you feel sad of never having kids (I have 5 if you need to borrow one, I have plenty to spare). But life has begun anew for you. You have come out of this knowing what you will and will not stand for. Yes, their will still be plenty of sad days ahead of you, but you need to hold your chin up and realize that you are a great person, with a kind and caring heart. You will find someone special again. You won't spend the rest of your Christmases alone or the third wheel. You will have happy days ahead of you. Right now you just have to take it one day at a time. You are moving in the right direction to find happiness. Just keep being strong and do something for your self that brings joy to your heart.

Floating

I hope you are feeling a wee bit better today. All we can do is keep taking those steps.

the feelings for me come in waves. I'm ok one minute and the next I'm drowning in "could have beens." Sitting with the feelings has been hard. I keep making the illusion vs reality lists.

We are walking a similar journey Kaya and have faith in both of to truly make it to the other side. Your paperwork is done and now you have the memories, just make sure you are remembering them correctly.

When my fiance left me coldy weeks before the wedding, I remind myself of that. I remind myself I would have been second forever. I know what I'm really mourning is the dream. And that dream has nothing to do with reality. Lots of love and support to you from me. White light girl white light coming your way.

trailmix

It's a tough time, between what was and what will be. It's all unknown. I know what you mean though, you're married and then all of a sudden you aren't, you are now a single person and that's not always what we want, as much fun as it can be.

Just remember this is just a piece of time where you will be moving on to other things. You won't always be alone, you won't always feel this way. It's hard to look forward when you are still hurting but that will come, you will make new memories and you will try new things. There is nothing stopping you now.

Things like this are learned and you will, eventually, unlearn them and as you do you will realize the freedom you have.