Chloe89

Hey guys,

Let me start by saying I’m a 32 year old woman. No addiction issues. Great career. A mother. My life is overall, great. But then there is my boyfriend who I love dearly. We’ve been together for a year and half but we’re together YEARS ago before I got married ( now divorced) and split due to just being in different places in life at the time. We reunited and everything is great… when he’s sober (vodka chased by beer). When he’s drunk, he’s so incredibly mean. He says things just to hurt me. Such as, I don’t love you etc. When we talk about it when he’s sober he apologizes and says he’s a piece of **** when he’s drunk and to not listen to him, and if I’m not with him, to just ignore his calls. Those words stick, I can’t just not ignore it.. not not believe it. It’s draining. The problem I am having is, we basically live together, as long as I am home, he will keep the drinking either non existent or to a minimum. The moment I am not there, he will get black out drunk and then all hell breaks loose. Example, yesterday I worked overtime and went straight to my house. I had things I needed to do before meeting my family for dinner (he was more than welcome to come).. well when he realized I wouldn’t be with him, he got so upset which I knew was going to black out mean night. Fast forward, yep. Drunk, then comes the “I don’t love you, I don’t like this relationship, I’ve replaced you, what’s for dinner?!, you’re selfish and didn’t even come back over, I don’t want to talk to you.. blah blah” This ******** drains me. I sent a scathing message for him to read when he wakes up. The problem is.. when he’s sober (night drinker), our life is great, as long as I am there. The moment I have other plans, or have things to do.. he is ready to leave and pull the I don’t love you card. I feel he’s just selfishly trying to “punish” me. So pathetic. Why am I still in the relationship..? Because love is an absolutely crazy thing.

StephEgan

I am sorry you are going through this - this behaviour is EXTREMELY concerning! It is not in any way normal and it will get worse.

Cookie314

I'm sorry you have to put up with his behavior, there is no excuse for that sort of treatment. I know this will sound harsh, but I don't mean it to be. The problem with your description of your relationship is you are still separating his drunk behavior vs sober behavior. When he's drunk, he's mean and hurtful, everything could be so great if only he were just sober, etc. Think of it this way though: he makes the choice while sober to get drunk. The excuse of saying "oh I'm like a different person when I'm drunk, I don't mean it!" doesn't work when you remember that fact. He makes a conscious decision to drink. The person you feel everything is so great with? He's the one who makes the choice to drink. What good are his apologies if his actions never reflect them? If I punched you in the gut, then said sorry, only to do it again when you opened your arms, how many times will you keep opening them?

I know it sucks. I spent many wonderful years with my AH, and they came crashing down around me as his addiction progressed. The man I loved so much was gone: replaced with someone who yelled at me, told me to f*ck off, or simply refused to talk to me at all. All of my attempts to hold onto the glimmers of the partner I used to know only pushed him further away.

You ask yourself why you're still with him, and answer because love is a crazy thing. What is love though, in this context?
The commitment to one another? If so, then why is he choosing alcohol over you?
The happy comfort of time spent together? If so, then why does that have to be punctuated with so much pain and insult?
Is it mutual respect? If so, then why does he disrespect your time and feelings?

My point with this is while you both may still feel love for one another, an addict is incapable of putting the work needed for a truly loving relationship. They will always choose their drug in the end. If you want to stay in this relationship, then you must take him as he is, right now, and accept that you're second rank to alcohol.

Letting go of that relationship doesn't mean that you're giving up hope for him or his future. Perhaps you can rekindle that fire down the road, after he has achieved sobriety. It frees you to focus entirely on your own health, and him on his recovery. You deserve better than to be led along the roller coaster by his every whim.

sage1969

When I expressed the same thing about my XABF, a wise person in this forum said something to the effect that I was willing to accept only the good parts of my partner. And that was true , I was willing to overlook the nightly blackout and focus on only the good times.

The thing is, with an alcoholic, their focus is reversed, their focus is on the alcohol, not the good times.

I am concerned for you because your SO's behavior is so manipulative. That is unhealthy. He is attempting to place the responsibility of whether or not he drinks on you based on your willingness to be there and meeting his needs. That feels icky and wrong to me.

It seems that you are part of a codepency cycle that will become more and more unhealthy for you. That you feel discomfort is a healthy red flag that you're aware there is a problem. If you haven't yet, read Codependent No More.

BlownOne

I'll be blunt: Dump him. Non alcoholics don't drink to blackout and emotionally mature men don't treat their partners that way. His appropriate response would be to be willing to do literally anything in his power to keep from picking up the first drink, in order to avoid hurting the person he says he loves with his drunken abuse. That being said, it doesn't sound like he wants to stop drinking. Almost as if he's a spoiled little boy that has to drink to keep from being butthurt. You don't deserve this. Life is short and time is precious. Hugs to you.