How bad is this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 2
How bad is this?
I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months and I'm worried he might have a drinking problem.
Because we don't live together, I can't be sure how often he drinks on a regular basis. On the nights we spend together during the week, we usually won't drink at all or we'll share one beer if we do. There are a few instances that stand out in my mind, though, as potentially signaling a problem.
#1
My boyfriend golfs a lot. He and his friends always drink on the course. A few months ago I came over to his house after he had a golf outing and he was noticeably drunk and apologized. The next day I told him I didn't love the fact that he knew we had plans to hang out later and still chose to get drunk. I also didn't love the fact that he must've driven home in the state too.
#2
We went to a beer tasting festival with some friends. We ended up getting in an argument later that night over something stupid. Emotions were high so I ended up in tears. In the morning he was acting like nothing happened. When I tentatively brought up our fight, he didn't remember it at all. I thought that was really odd, to have drank enough to completely black out and not remember an entire argument.
#3
This is really what got me to the point of wanting to reach out to other people for advice or help. Recently we went on a weekend getaway to a cabin with a bunch of his cousins. Most of them were in their late 30s or early 40s with kids. The weekend was basically just filled with drinking. Friday night drinking and then Saturday starting in the morning until the night. I started to feel like a mom to my boyfriend. I kept prodding him to slow down, to have something to eat, take a break and have some water, etc. He obviously didn't listen to me. The next day he was so hungover that he was puking in the bushes while we were trying to pack up the car. He spent the rest of the day on the couch, miserable. I hadn't been counting or paying attention...but he told me he thought he had around 18 beers that day. 18!!!!!! That's an insane amount. More than any normal person. Definitely more than the recommended amount for an entire week, let alone a day. I've never seen him do that before, but still. Even for a rare, family weekend that seems like a lot. I came away from that really concerned.
Since then I've been really extra aware of when and how often he drinks, as well as looking up signs of alcohol abuse. While he doesn't drink frequently throughout the week, I think it's possible he might be a binge drinker. He also will sometimes drink alone. He's told me he'll have a few beers while mowing the lawn or during yard work throughout the day sometimes and I admit I have no idea if that's a normal thing or not.
If this is alcoholism, how bad is it and what do I do??
Because we don't live together, I can't be sure how often he drinks on a regular basis. On the nights we spend together during the week, we usually won't drink at all or we'll share one beer if we do. There are a few instances that stand out in my mind, though, as potentially signaling a problem.
#1
My boyfriend golfs a lot. He and his friends always drink on the course. A few months ago I came over to his house after he had a golf outing and he was noticeably drunk and apologized. The next day I told him I didn't love the fact that he knew we had plans to hang out later and still chose to get drunk. I also didn't love the fact that he must've driven home in the state too.
#2
We went to a beer tasting festival with some friends. We ended up getting in an argument later that night over something stupid. Emotions were high so I ended up in tears. In the morning he was acting like nothing happened. When I tentatively brought up our fight, he didn't remember it at all. I thought that was really odd, to have drank enough to completely black out and not remember an entire argument.
#3
This is really what got me to the point of wanting to reach out to other people for advice or help. Recently we went on a weekend getaway to a cabin with a bunch of his cousins. Most of them were in their late 30s or early 40s with kids. The weekend was basically just filled with drinking. Friday night drinking and then Saturday starting in the morning until the night. I started to feel like a mom to my boyfriend. I kept prodding him to slow down, to have something to eat, take a break and have some water, etc. He obviously didn't listen to me. The next day he was so hungover that he was puking in the bushes while we were trying to pack up the car. He spent the rest of the day on the couch, miserable. I hadn't been counting or paying attention...but he told me he thought he had around 18 beers that day. 18!!!!!! That's an insane amount. More than any normal person. Definitely more than the recommended amount for an entire week, let alone a day. I've never seen him do that before, but still. Even for a rare, family weekend that seems like a lot. I came away from that really concerned.
Since then I've been really extra aware of when and how often he drinks, as well as looking up signs of alcohol abuse. While he doesn't drink frequently throughout the week, I think it's possible he might be a binge drinker. He also will sometimes drink alone. He's told me he'll have a few beers while mowing the lawn or during yard work throughout the day sometimes and I admit I have no idea if that's a normal thing or not.
If this is alcoholism, how bad is it and what do I do??
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I think if it bothers you then it is quite bad enough. It is all about what is acceptable in a relationship to you. It's about your needs and wants in a relationship.
Drinkers get worse not better. So what he is doing right now will get worse.
The only way it stops is if they completely stop drinking and work very hard in a recovery program.
So it comes down to what do you want. If you want to finish the relationship, it is obviously an advantage that you are not living together.
Sorry you are in this situation. Take care.
Drinkers get worse not better. So what he is doing right now will get worse.
The only way it stops is if they completely stop drinking and work very hard in a recovery program.
So it comes down to what do you want. If you want to finish the relationship, it is obviously an advantage that you are not living together.
Sorry you are in this situation. Take care.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
bookwarrior......from what you have shared, it sure does sound like it to me. Several significant features.
I suggest that it is very important that you really educate yourself on the nature and natural course of alcoholism. It is very important for you to know that alcoholism is progressive---meaning that it igets worse over time. It is a condition that never goes away---it has to be kept in "remission" by a program of Sobriety---by Sobriety, meaning total abstainence.
You can share your concerns with him, very honestly. However, you cannot make him stop. He will need to do that if HE decides that he wants to get into lasting Sobriety.
Around here, we talk about the 3 Cs.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it
You Can't fix it
You might want to begin by reading the most recommended book on this forum...."Co-deoendent No More" I think a lot of it will resonate with you!
Another suggestion---avoid pregnancy. It is not a gift to give a child an alcoholic as a father....and, you would be linked to his alcoholism forever, through the child. I think that this is an issue that you ought give some considerable serious thought.
I suggest that it is very important that you really educate yourself on the nature and natural course of alcoholism. It is very important for you to know that alcoholism is progressive---meaning that it igets worse over time. It is a condition that never goes away---it has to be kept in "remission" by a program of Sobriety---by Sobriety, meaning total abstainence.
You can share your concerns with him, very honestly. However, you cannot make him stop. He will need to do that if HE decides that he wants to get into lasting Sobriety.
Around here, we talk about the 3 Cs.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it
You Can't fix it
You might want to begin by reading the most recommended book on this forum...."Co-deoendent No More" I think a lot of it will resonate with you!
Another suggestion---avoid pregnancy. It is not a gift to give a child an alcoholic as a father....and, you would be linked to his alcoholism forever, through the child. I think that this is an issue that you ought give some considerable serious thought.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Your story sounds very much like mine, with my XABF. At first I thought it was just social drinking. When we started spending time with his friends, it seemed like social drinking, but there was always drinking. I started noticing the forgotten conversations. I started to realise the line when he crossed it between a semblance of consciousness and blackouts. The first and only weekend we spent together, I got to see the shakes, nausea, vomiting, and mean attitude each morning til he'd had a few beers with breakfast. And after spending a weekend with him, I could see that he put away at least a case of beer a day. When he proposed to me during a blackout, then couldn't remember the next day, I realised I could never marry or even be with this man any longer. I'd only seen him sober twice and he was unkind during those times. I realised I never really knew him at all.
It comes down to what you have experienced. If you're posting here, then I think you are feeling discomfort with the situation, and you should listen to your feelings.
Alcoholism is progressive. It will never get better, only worse. It will always come first, before you. There is nothing you can personally do to alter this -- your BF has to choose for himself to get sober and work recovery. And even if he is able to do that, you will not be a priority in his life, recovery will be. You may not like who he becomes once he's in recovery, but you can be certain he will be different.
I'm sorry for this heartache for you.
It comes down to what you have experienced. If you're posting here, then I think you are feeling discomfort with the situation, and you should listen to your feelings.
Alcoholism is progressive. It will never get better, only worse. It will always come first, before you. There is nothing you can personally do to alter this -- your BF has to choose for himself to get sober and work recovery. And even if he is able to do that, you will not be a priority in his life, recovery will be. You may not like who he becomes once he's in recovery, but you can be certain he will be different.
I'm sorry for this heartache for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
No one can really label him but him. But you have the freedom to decide if he drinks too much, too often for you.
Assume this is who he is. Assume he will not change. Is this what you want? If not, it's time to let go. Don't be tempted by the idea that IF ONLY he didn't drink this way, he would be "perfect." He drinks this way. There is nothing you can do or say to change that.
Assume this is who he is. Assume he will not change. Is this what you want? If not, it's time to let go. Don't be tempted by the idea that IF ONLY he didn't drink this way, he would be "perfect." He drinks this way. There is nothing you can do or say to change that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Hard to say "how bad" it is. But you should pay attention to those red flags that you're noticing. I definitely think it's a sign of an issue, whether it's alcoholism or a problem drinker, or perhaps impulse control, or immaturity. Or all of it!
Trust your instincts.
Trust your instincts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 142
There is good advice being offered to you. Ask yourself if you will be happy with him going forward exactly the way he is. If not, you can give the gift of talking honestly with him about why you are breaking up with him. He likely will not be ready to hear it, but that is ok, too. Perhaps it motivates him to take a look at himself, but do not expect that. You cannot cause him to change. You must consider your own happiness and do what is right for you. Take it from someone who learned the lesson too late. I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I think it's also important to point out that you're on a forum seeking help for a relationship that isn't a full year old. You're still in the honeymoon "everything is awesome" phase of the relationship, and already feel concerned enough to seek help for this.
The tricky thing with addiction, particularly alcoholism, is the definition of it is so slippery. Alcohol is so glorified in our society heavy bone drinking is often celebrated as a point of pride. It makes it easy to keep pushing the goalposts as needed. "Oh I'm not an addict, I only drink on the weekends/ after a tough day/ with friends/ special occasions/ etc..." Focusing on deciding "if" he's an addict detracts from a much simpler question: is his drinking causing problems? If yes, then it is a problem. Once you know it's a problem, it's easier to think of it more constructively. Is it a problem that's worth sticking around through? Only you can decide that.
The tricky thing with addiction, particularly alcoholism, is the definition of it is so slippery. Alcohol is so glorified in our society heavy bone drinking is often celebrated as a point of pride. It makes it easy to keep pushing the goalposts as needed. "Oh I'm not an addict, I only drink on the weekends/ after a tough day/ with friends/ special occasions/ etc..." Focusing on deciding "if" he's an addict detracts from a much simpler question: is his drinking causing problems? If yes, then it is a problem. Once you know it's a problem, it's easier to think of it more constructively. Is it a problem that's worth sticking around through? Only you can decide that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
If someone else mentioned this and I missed it, apologies, but I think it's a really important point: alcoholism is progressive. If he is this way now and an alcoholic, the day will likely come that you would wish it was only 18 on an occasional weekend. This has nothing to do with how much he loves you, it has everything to do with the nature of the disease. As to what you can do to fix this? Nothing. This is his to sort out and if an alcoholic, he will need to do it for the rest of his life.
Is there hope? Yes - I got sober three months after meeting the woman I am fortunate to call my wife. We didn't get married until I was over 5 years sober, and even then I was scared *less that I would do to her what my Mom (an alcoholic who died without having found sobriety) did to my family of origin. I am now 12 years sober but I am still an alcoholic. One drink today would do exactly what it would have if I had taken it the day I left rehab.
Think carefully whether this is something you are prepared to live with. I wish you all the best.
Is there hope? Yes - I got sober three months after meeting the woman I am fortunate to call my wife. We didn't get married until I was over 5 years sober, and even then I was scared *less that I would do to her what my Mom (an alcoholic who died without having found sobriety) did to my family of origin. I am now 12 years sober but I am still an alcoholic. One drink today would do exactly what it would have if I had taken it the day I left rehab.
Think carefully whether this is something you are prepared to live with. I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 39
Wondering what happened here.. I was with an alcoholic partner years ago. When I look back I find it funny I could even have made excuses to myself or needed other people to tell me that. It was so blatant and caused such terrible abusive behaviour. I'd never go near that again. I did learn that you can't separate the person from the substance - the 'if only' thing - because the substance is in them and in their life, it defines their behaviour and personality. I hope you manage(d) to make the right decision for yourself. When we smell a rat, in hindsight our biggest regret is often not having acted on it.
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