I'm so angry
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I'm so angry
I'm angry that I ignored the red flags early on in my relationship with my EXABF. He was 6 years sober when I met him.
I'm angry that I didn't leave when he was so abusive to me.
I'm angry that he got sober after our relationship ended.
I'm angry that he found a new love when he got sober.
I'm angry that I didn't do any counseling to help myself after the breakup.
I'm angry that he died and I found out by googling his name.
I'm angry that I didn't get to say goodbye.
Why am I so wrapped up in him still? It will be three years in January since we broke up.
I'm angry that I didn't leave when he was so abusive to me.
I'm angry that he got sober after our relationship ended.
I'm angry that he found a new love when he got sober.
I'm angry that I didn't do any counseling to help myself after the breakup.
I'm angry that he died and I found out by googling his name.
I'm angry that I didn't get to say goodbye.
Why am I so wrapped up in him still? It will be three years in January since we broke up.
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Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's really natural to feel so angry at the so many things that are out of your control, or at things you wished you'd done when you look back. It's why I usually seek acceptance, rather than understanding. Understanding has its roots in control, whereas acceptance has its roots in release.
For ignoring red flags, not leaving, and not getting counseling...I hope you can forgive yourself. You were doing the best you could with what you knew or understood at the time. And it's never too late to seek counseling to help forgive yourself and/or to let go of the other stuff.
For ignoring red flags, not leaving, and not getting counseling...I hope you can forgive yourself. You were doing the best you could with what you knew or understood at the time. And it's never too late to seek counseling to help forgive yourself and/or to let go of the other stuff.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I’ve been repairing my relationship with anger! I think it’s a beautiful emotion now (though still hard to feel, and when misunderstood can cause hurt for ourselves and others).
Some people say “Anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse were unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well and with kindness. Your anger is the part of you that loves you.” Add to that, that anger is sometimes the emotional cover we put over pain, and I think we’re on to something!
I hear it in your list. You are angry about ways you were treated poorly, either by yourself or by your XABF. So maybe we can break down ways to make peace with each person that you are angry with?
It’s freaky when someone dies because it can feel like the opportunity to “resolve” conflicted feelings is gone. That’s not true. Closure comes from within, so he can be physically in this world or not. I don’t know what you need or how much time it’ll take for you to work through those feelings about what you went through with him, but you can get to whatever version of acceptance/forgiveness that works for you with or without him. He can’t make amends to you, but you don’t need them to find peace!
But faaar more important is the anger you’re feeling at yourself! Have you thought about apologizing to yourself? It sounds weird, but I just did it the other day and it felt AMAZING. Sounds like, part of you feels betrayed by you. Feels like you didn’t listen to yourself, didn’t protect yourself and care for yourself, and basically betrayed yourself. But the part of you that let yourself down is human! Is allowed to make mistakes and learn! We all do. And I think the angry part of you can understand that. Especially if the part of you that let this happen makes amends. I used this rubric for effective apologies by Dr. Lerner
True apologies rebuild relationships and repair hurt done to others. It sounds like you might benefit from making amends for those things you posted above.
Basically, of course you feel angry at yourself and at XABF. It shows that a part of you knows you deserved better. Good! While he can’t apologize to you, you don’t need that to find acceptance and closure. But you can make amends and heal your relationship with yourself. You can make yourself a bit more whole by getting these different parts of you to forgive each other. You deserve to not be perfect, and be forgiven for mistakes, just as you deserve an apology for not being there for yourself when it was happening, you know?
Some people say “Anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse were unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well and with kindness. Your anger is the part of you that loves you.” Add to that, that anger is sometimes the emotional cover we put over pain, and I think we’re on to something!
I hear it in your list. You are angry about ways you were treated poorly, either by yourself or by your XABF. So maybe we can break down ways to make peace with each person that you are angry with?
It’s freaky when someone dies because it can feel like the opportunity to “resolve” conflicted feelings is gone. That’s not true. Closure comes from within, so he can be physically in this world or not. I don’t know what you need or how much time it’ll take for you to work through those feelings about what you went through with him, but you can get to whatever version of acceptance/forgiveness that works for you with or without him. He can’t make amends to you, but you don’t need them to find peace!
But faaar more important is the anger you’re feeling at yourself! Have you thought about apologizing to yourself? It sounds weird, but I just did it the other day and it felt AMAZING. Sounds like, part of you feels betrayed by you. Feels like you didn’t listen to yourself, didn’t protect yourself and care for yourself, and basically betrayed yourself. But the part of you that let yourself down is human! Is allowed to make mistakes and learn! We all do. And I think the angry part of you can understand that. Especially if the part of you that let this happen makes amends. I used this rubric for effective apologies by Dr. Lerner
True apologies rebuild relationships and repair hurt done to others. It sounds like you might benefit from making amends for those things you posted above.
Basically, of course you feel angry at yourself and at XABF. It shows that a part of you knows you deserved better. Good! While he can’t apologize to you, you don’t need that to find acceptance and closure. But you can make amends and heal your relationship with yourself. You can make yourself a bit more whole by getting these different parts of you to forgive each other. You deserve to not be perfect, and be forgiven for mistakes, just as you deserve an apology for not being there for yourself when it was happening, you know?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by mp315 
I'm angry that I ignored the red flags early on in my relationship with my EXABF. He was 6 years sober when I met him.
I'm angry that I didn't leave when he was so abusive to me.
I'm angry that he got sober after our relationship ended.
I'm angry that he found a new love when he got sober.
I'm angry that I didn't do any counseling to help myself after the breakup.
I'm angry that he died and I found out by googling his name.
I'm angry that I didn't get to say goodbye.
Why am I so wrapped up in him still? It will be three years in January since we broke up.
I'm angry that I didn't leave when he was so abusive to me.
I'm angry that he got sober after our relationship ended.
I'm angry that he found a new love when he got sober.
I'm angry that I didn't do any counseling to help myself after the breakup.
I'm angry that he died and I found out by googling his name.
I'm angry that I didn't get to say goodbye.
Why am I so wrapped up in him still? It will be three years in January since we broke up.
You mentioned before that you still had a glimmer of hope that maybe some day you could be friends. That makes it extra hard and also confusing I'm sure.
Perhaps some of this is pent up anger that you didn't get to experience sooner because of that glimmer of hope? Anger is not a bad thing, however when it's turned inward it really needs to be addressed I think. Don't you think you really did what you thought was best at the time? If that statement is true, don't you think perhaps you can forgive yourself?
We all stumble, sometimes even when we have learned a lesson we stumble again. That's human. Yes, you hurt yourself, but again, you were doing what you thought was right at the time.
Sadly, he was probably doing the best he could at the time as well.
If you can look at yourself and maybe be a little kinder to yourself and realize that you didn't do anything with bad intent or maliciously, that might help. As for forgiving him, well you never actually have to, but accepting all that happened, because it did - it is history now and really did happen, will help.
How about writing it all down, maybe in the form of a letter to yourself and then a letter to him would help.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 64
I think everything you feel is normal. You're angry, in part, because you still look back at the "potential" of him and the relationship instead of the reality of what it was. Some of this sounds like regret (sprinkled with guilt, shame, and frustration) that is just easier to express as anger because anger isn't nearly as vulnerable. It is ok to let all of that go and it is ok if you aren't there yet---just keep working on it. It certainly isn't too late to get help with that. It isn't that you're so wrapped up in him, but that the relationship had a really big impact on you and you're still sorting it out. Perhaps try to shift your perspective to all that you've learned from the experience, how strong you were to remove yourself from the situation, and maybe even the positive impact your presence might have made in his journey. You're ok mp.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
It's really natural to feel so angry at the so many things that are out of your control, or at things you wished you'd done when you look back. It's why I usually seek acceptance, rather than understanding. Understanding has its roots in control, whereas acceptance has its roots in release.
For ignoring red flags, not leaving, and not getting counseling...I hope you can forgive yourself. You were doing the best you could with what you knew or understood at the time. And it's never too late to seek counseling to help forgive yourself and/or to let go of the other stuff.
For ignoring red flags, not leaving, and not getting counseling...I hope you can forgive yourself. You were doing the best you could with what you knew or understood at the time. And it's never too late to seek counseling to help forgive yourself and/or to let go of the other stuff.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by edoering
I’ve been repairing my relationship with anger! I think it’s a beautiful emotion now (though still hard to feel, and when misunderstood can cause hurt for ourselves and others).
Some people say “Anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse were unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well and with kindness. Your anger is the part of you that loves you.” Add to that, that anger is sometimes the emotional cover we put over pain, and I think we’re on to something!
I hear it in your list. You are angry about ways you were treated poorly, either by yourself or by your XABF. So maybe we can break down ways to make peace with each person that you are angry with?
It’s freaky when someone dies because it can feel like the opportunity to “resolve” conflicted feelings is gone. That’s not true. Closure comes from within, so he can be physically in this world or not. I don’t know what you need or how much time it’ll take for you to work through those feelings about what you went through with him, but you can get to whatever version of acceptance/forgiveness that works for you with or without him. He can’t make amends to you, but you don’t need them to find peace!
But faaar more important is the anger you’re feeling at yourself! Have you thought about apologizing to yourself? It sounds weird, but I just did it the other day and it felt AMAZING. Sounds like, part of you feels betrayed by you. Feels like you didn’t listen to yourself, didn’t protect yourself and care for yourself, and basically betrayed yourself. But the part of you that let yourself down is human! Is allowed to make mistakes and learn! We all do. And I think the angry part of you can understand that. Especially if the part of you that let this happen makes amends. I used this rubric for effective apologies by Dr. Lerner
True apologies rebuild relationships and repair hurt done to others. It sounds like you might benefit from making amends for those things you posted above.
Basically, of course you feel angry at yourself and at XABF. It shows that a part of you knows you deserved better. Good! While he can’t apologize to you, you don’t need that to find acceptance and closure. But you can make amends and heal your relationship with yourself. You can make yourself a bit more whole by getting these different parts of you to forgive each other. You deserve to not be perfect, and be forgiven for mistakes, just as you deserve an apology for not being there for yourself when it was happening, you know?
Some people say “Anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse were unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well and with kindness. Your anger is the part of you that loves you.” Add to that, that anger is sometimes the emotional cover we put over pain, and I think we’re on to something!
I hear it in your list. You are angry about ways you were treated poorly, either by yourself or by your XABF. So maybe we can break down ways to make peace with each person that you are angry with?
It’s freaky when someone dies because it can feel like the opportunity to “resolve” conflicted feelings is gone. That’s not true. Closure comes from within, so he can be physically in this world or not. I don’t know what you need or how much time it’ll take for you to work through those feelings about what you went through with him, but you can get to whatever version of acceptance/forgiveness that works for you with or without him. He can’t make amends to you, but you don’t need them to find peace!
But faaar more important is the anger you’re feeling at yourself! Have you thought about apologizing to yourself? It sounds weird, but I just did it the other day and it felt AMAZING. Sounds like, part of you feels betrayed by you. Feels like you didn’t listen to yourself, didn’t protect yourself and care for yourself, and basically betrayed yourself. But the part of you that let yourself down is human! Is allowed to make mistakes and learn! We all do. And I think the angry part of you can understand that. Especially if the part of you that let this happen makes amends. I used this rubric for effective apologies by Dr. Lerner
True apologies rebuild relationships and repair hurt done to others. It sounds like you might benefit from making amends for those things you posted above.
Basically, of course you feel angry at yourself and at XABF. It shows that a part of you knows you deserved better. Good! While he can’t apologize to you, you don’t need that to find acceptance and closure. But you can make amends and heal your relationship with yourself. You can make yourself a bit more whole by getting these different parts of you to forgive each other. You deserve to not be perfect, and be forgiven for mistakes, just as you deserve an apology for not being there for yourself when it was happening, you know?
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Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by mp315
Thank you Sparkle Kitty. I need to seek acceptance. I did start counseling last week. I was in Alanon for a few months towards the end of our relationship but when we broke up I felt triggered when I would go to meetings so I stopped going.
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Posts: 21
Originally Posted by edoering
I’ve been repairing my relationship with anger! I think it’s a beautiful emotion now (though still hard to feel, and when misunderstood can cause hurt for ourselves and others).
Some people say “Anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse were unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well and with kindness. Your anger is the part of you that loves you.” Add to that, that anger is sometimes the emotional cover we put over pain, and I think we’re on to something!
I hear it in your list. You are angry about ways you were treated poorly, either by yourself or by your XABF. So maybe we can break down ways to make peace with each person that you are angry with?
It’s freaky when someone dies because it can feel like the opportunity to “resolve” conflicted feelings is gone. That’s not true. Closure comes from within, so he can be physically in this world or not. I don’t know what you need or how much time it’ll take for you to work through those feelings about what you went through with him, but you can get to whatever version of acceptance/forgiveness that works for you with or without him. He can’t make amends to you, but you don’t need them to find peace!
But faaar more important is the anger you’re feeling at yourself! Have you thought about apologizing to yourself? It sounds weird, but I just did it the other day and it felt AMAZING. Sounds like, part of you feels betrayed by you. Feels like you didn’t listen to yourself, didn’t protect yourself and care for yourself, and basically betrayed yourself. But the part of you that let yourself down is human! Is allowed to make mistakes and learn! We all do. And I think the angry part of you can understand that. Especially if the part of you that let this happen makes amends. I used this rubric for effective apologies by Dr. Lerner
True apologies rebuild relationships and repair hurt done to others. It sounds like you might benefit from making amends for those things you posted above.
Basically, of course you feel angry at yourself and at XABF. It shows that a part of you knows you deserved better. Good! While he can’t apologize to you, you don’t need that to find acceptance and closure. But you can make amends and heal your relationship with yourself. You can make yourself a bit more whole by getting these different parts of you to forgive each other. You deserve to not be perfect, and be forgiven for mistakes, just as you deserve an apology for not being there for yourself when it was happening, you know?
Some people say “Anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse were unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well and with kindness. Your anger is the part of you that loves you.” Add to that, that anger is sometimes the emotional cover we put over pain, and I think we’re on to something!
I hear it in your list. You are angry about ways you were treated poorly, either by yourself or by your XABF. So maybe we can break down ways to make peace with each person that you are angry with?
It’s freaky when someone dies because it can feel like the opportunity to “resolve” conflicted feelings is gone. That’s not true. Closure comes from within, so he can be physically in this world or not. I don’t know what you need or how much time it’ll take for you to work through those feelings about what you went through with him, but you can get to whatever version of acceptance/forgiveness that works for you with or without him. He can’t make amends to you, but you don’t need them to find peace!
But faaar more important is the anger you’re feeling at yourself! Have you thought about apologizing to yourself? It sounds weird, but I just did it the other day and it felt AMAZING. Sounds like, part of you feels betrayed by you. Feels like you didn’t listen to yourself, didn’t protect yourself and care for yourself, and basically betrayed yourself. But the part of you that let yourself down is human! Is allowed to make mistakes and learn! We all do. And I think the angry part of you can understand that. Especially if the part of you that let this happen makes amends. I used this rubric for effective apologies by Dr. Lerner
True apologies rebuild relationships and repair hurt done to others. It sounds like you might benefit from making amends for those things you posted above.
Basically, of course you feel angry at yourself and at XABF. It shows that a part of you knows you deserved better. Good! While he can’t apologize to you, you don’t need that to find acceptance and closure. But you can make amends and heal your relationship with yourself. You can make yourself a bit more whole by getting these different parts of you to forgive each other. You deserve to not be perfect, and be forgiven for mistakes, just as you deserve an apology for not being there for yourself when it was happening, you know?
Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm sorry you found out that way mp, that's really hard.
You mentioned before that you still had a glimmer of hope that maybe some day you could be friends. That makes it extra hard and also confusing I'm sure.
Perhaps some of this is pent up anger that you didn't get to experience sooner because of that glimmer of hope? Anger is not a bad thing, however when it's turned inward it really needs to be addressed I think. Don't you think you really did what you thought was best at the time? If that statement is true, don't you think perhaps you can forgive yourself?
We all stumble, sometimes even when we have learned a lesson we stumble again. That's human. Yes, you hurt yourself, but again, you were doing what you thought was right at the time.
Sadly, he was probably doing the best he could at the time as well.
If you can look at yourself and maybe be a little kinder to yourself and realize that you didn't do anything with bad intent or maliciously, that might help. As for forgiving him, well you never actually have to, but accepting all that happened, because it did - it is history now and really did happen, will help.
How about writing it all down, maybe in the form of a letter to yourself and then a letter to him would help.
You mentioned before that you still had a glimmer of hope that maybe some day you could be friends. That makes it extra hard and also confusing I'm sure.
Perhaps some of this is pent up anger that you didn't get to experience sooner because of that glimmer of hope? Anger is not a bad thing, however when it's turned inward it really needs to be addressed I think. Don't you think you really did what you thought was best at the time? If that statement is true, don't you think perhaps you can forgive yourself?
We all stumble, sometimes even when we have learned a lesson we stumble again. That's human. Yes, you hurt yourself, but again, you were doing what you thought was right at the time.
Sadly, he was probably doing the best he could at the time as well.
If you can look at yourself and maybe be a little kinder to yourself and realize that you didn't do anything with bad intent or maliciously, that might help. As for forgiving him, well you never actually have to, but accepting all that happened, because it did - it is history now and really did happen, will help.
How about writing it all down, maybe in the form of a letter to yourself and then a letter to him would help.
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Originally Posted by 555Lynn555
I think everything you feel is normal. You're angry, in part, because you still look back at the "potential" of him and the relationship instead of the reality of what it was. Some of this sounds like regret (sprinkled with guilt, shame, and frustration) that is just easier to express as anger because anger isn't nearly as vulnerable. It is ok to let all of that go and it is ok if you aren't there yet---just keep working on it. It certainly isn't too late to get help with that. It isn't that you're so wrapped up in him, but that the relationship had a really big impact on you and you're still sorting it out. Perhaps try to shift your perspective to all that you've learned from the experience, how strong you were to remove yourself from the situation, and maybe even the positive impact your presence might have made in his journey. You're ok mp.
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mp.......this is my experience with painful experiences of my past-----that forgiveness can't be forced. It will come when and IF you are ready or able to do so. There were some things that took me many years to forgive. It seemed to come after I had done a lot of personal evolving, myself.
Mind you, I didn't spend all of my days, for decades in agony. Some things I had just compartmentalized, in my mind, until the time came that I had accumulatred more life understanding, and I was able to let it go,
Actually, I think it was more like acceptance---and being able to mentally mark it as "Past History" and file it away. Sort of like carrying an old suitcase---and, then just putting it down and walking away.
It seems to me, that, there is a lot of current pressure to forgive right away as rhe only thing to do---as the only way to come to peace with one's self.
It seems to me that it may be possible to do that for some things.....but, for other things it may not be possible for some people for Some things---at least not immediately.
I don't think that one shoud be made to feel guilt for what one is not ready or able to forgive.
I know that it is said that firgiveness is for You and not them, so that one doesn't carry negative feelings inside, to eat away at a person.
-I am saying that it is not like waving a wand because we "should" and must do it. Especially for the especailly traumatic or cruel things that were done to us.
for me, I think some things were not "forgiven" so much as I had simply reached a point where it simply didn't matter so much anymore, and I was able to just put the suitcase down and walk away from it.
I am just saying what it has been like for me.
Mind you, I didn't spend all of my days, for decades in agony. Some things I had just compartmentalized, in my mind, until the time came that I had accumulatred more life understanding, and I was able to let it go,
Actually, I think it was more like acceptance---and being able to mentally mark it as "Past History" and file it away. Sort of like carrying an old suitcase---and, then just putting it down and walking away.
It seems to me, that, there is a lot of current pressure to forgive right away as rhe only thing to do---as the only way to come to peace with one's self.
It seems to me that it may be possible to do that for some things.....but, for other things it may not be possible for some people for Some things---at least not immediately.
I don't think that one shoud be made to feel guilt for what one is not ready or able to forgive.
I know that it is said that firgiveness is for You and not them, so that one doesn't carry negative feelings inside, to eat away at a person.
-I am saying that it is not like waving a wand because we "should" and must do it. Especially for the especailly traumatic or cruel things that were done to us.
for me, I think some things were not "forgiven" so much as I had simply reached a point where it simply didn't matter so much anymore, and I was able to just put the suitcase down and walk away from it.
I am just saying what it has been like for me.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mp.......this is my experience with painful experiences of my past-----that forgiveness can't be forced. It will come when and IF you are ready or able to do so. There were some things that took me many years to forgive. It seemed to come after I had done a lot of personal evolving, myself.
Keep surfing that anger; feel all the feels; let it come, let it go and watch it come right back.
This is tough stuff. Let us know how you get on.
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I think forgiveness (towards him) is one of those words you have to look at with a certain distance. Do you want/ need it right now? What would it mean if it were to help you? I don't think it's an obligation.
& I see your anger as good - you could try to get it out physically in some way - but when you go through the feelings, let them out but know beforehand you'll find a way to soothe yourself afterwards.
Lastly, we do what we can with what we know at the time. You would not ignore the red flags again. Life is a hard teacher, but try to be gentle, very gentle with yourself. The romantic myth can trap us and be dangerous too. I think we have to learn to be a bit hard-headed about love & what is in front of us. Society will not teach us that. It takes some hard knocks.
& I see your anger as good - you could try to get it out physically in some way - but when you go through the feelings, let them out but know beforehand you'll find a way to soothe yourself afterwards.
Lastly, we do what we can with what we know at the time. You would not ignore the red flags again. Life is a hard teacher, but try to be gentle, very gentle with yourself. The romantic myth can trap us and be dangerous too. I think we have to learn to be a bit hard-headed about love & what is in front of us. Society will not teach us that. It takes some hard knocks.
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Thanks everyone. The more I think about the things he said and did do me blows my mind. I never told anyone because I was so embarrassed. I don't know if I will ever forgive him. I need to work on myself and learn to forgive myself.
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One way I realised that I had a lot more work to do around codepency was when I found myself becoming so furiously angry after a situation that occurred when I felt that some "friends" had taken advantage of a situation. (When I was really honest with myself, yes, they'd taken advantage, no, they weren't then or now friends, and, most importantly, I'd slipped into some codie behaviors without being thoughtful about my role and my actions).
Sometimes that intense anger can be a signal to look within our own behaviors and decide whether we're being true to our own boundaries or if we have some work to do.
Sometimes that intense anger can be a signal to look within our own behaviors and decide whether we're being true to our own boundaries or if we have some work to do.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
It's why I usually seek acceptance, rather than understanding. Understanding has its roots in control, whereas acceptance has its roots in release.
Thank you so much for this concept. In therapy this week I once again got called on trying to understand someone else's behavior to my own detriment. Usually when I am trying to understand someone else to that degree it is a way of trying to avoid setting a boundary or listening to what I need at any given moment.
I came in with that overlay to reading your post - and this sentence took my breath away.
Related I am sure, but Harriet Lerner wrote a great book called The Dance with Anger that was really helpful in my healing. I did not know about the apology one but will check that out now. Somehow getting permission to be angry and to not force forgiveness was a release for me.
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Originally Posted by sage1969
One way I realised that I had a lot more work to do around codepency was when I found myself becoming so furiously angry after a situation that occurred when I felt that some "friends" had taken advantage of a situation. (When I was really honest with myself, yes, they'd taken advantage, no, they weren't then or now friends, and, most importantly, I'd slipped into some codie behaviors without being thoughtful about my role and my actions).
Sometimes that intense anger can be a signal to look within our own behaviors and decide whether we're being true to our own boundaries or if we have some work to do.
Sometimes that intense anger can be a signal to look within our own behaviors and decide whether we're being true to our own boundaries or if we have some work to do.
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Sparklekitty
Thank you so much for this concept. In therapy this week I once again got called on trying to understand someone else's behavior to my own detriment. Usually when I am trying to understand someone else to that degree it is a way of trying to avoid setting a boundary or listening to what I need at any given moment.
I came in with that overlay to reading your post - and this sentence took my breath away.
Related I am sure, but Harriet Lerner wrote a great book called The Dance with Anger that was really helpful in my healing. I did not know about the apology one but will check that out now. Somehow getting permission to be angry and to not force forgiveness was a release for me.
Thank you so much for this concept. In therapy this week I once again got called on trying to understand someone else's behavior to my own detriment. Usually when I am trying to understand someone else to that degree it is a way of trying to avoid setting a boundary or listening to what I need at any given moment.
I came in with that overlay to reading your post - and this sentence took my breath away.
Related I am sure, but Harriet Lerner wrote a great book called The Dance with Anger that was really helpful in my healing. I did not know about the apology one but will check that out now. Somehow getting permission to be angry and to not force forgiveness was a release for me.
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