Is this what is expected and am I handling things ok??
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Is this what is expected and am I handling things ok??
First of I wanna say this is my first post and after reading many posts on here, I decided this might be a good place for me to help with what I’m going through. So thank you all for having me. I am currently in a relationship with my AB who has been sober and in AA for almost 60 days.
We have been together for about 5 years. A few of those years were on and off. Met through mutual friends. Before I met him he was a drinker as myself was just a social drinker. Before I met him he had already 2 dui’s under his belt. After first meeting our paths just always seemed to cross and we found we always seemed to be attracted to each other. While first getting to know him as casual friends, he violated his probation from the second dui and went to prison for almost two years. When he came we found we still had the same attraction and started out just casual dating. During that time he still drank pretty good and got involved pretty bad situations one involving cocaine. Even though people kept telling me I shouldn’t be involved with I felt that there was more to him inside that I could see and feel that he wasn’t as bad as people made him out and no one knew him inside. Later that same year he got his third dui and lost his license and it was gonna be for almost 7 years.
I still stuck by him and as our relationship got closer I did see there was a good person inside with so much potential. At one point he did have to serve a month of time for the third dui. When he came out he had a house arrest bracelet for about month then an alcohol one for three. I still stuck by him and spent time with him and continued the relationship. During this time sometimes I felt he didn’t feel serious about us and it seemed he has a habit of running away from things and his feelings. Later that year he asked me to marry him and I accepted. I should add that he lives with one parent basically supporting that parent and I knew and understood and accepted it.
Our friends on both our sides were not accepting of our engagement and treated us poorly. Which led to fights and him drinking heavily. There were time he fell back into cocaine abuse which he has stopped after the third dui. It led to us breaking off the engagement but staying together. But the pressure of all of our friends still not accepting us and one in particular on his friend always trying to break us up which one night when he was really drunk he did break up with me and blocked me in all social media. Which devastated me because I love him. During that breakup which lasted a year I was a mess. Since I was blocked I never knew what was going on with him but I could feel he wasn’t good. I did found out through people his drinking was out of control and he was doing the cocaine again. I did see him once during this for a funeral and he could barely speak to me. When the lockdown began, I did contact him to let him know something bad happened to someone we knew. From there I started to hear from him. I never stopped loving him the whole time. I did stop associating with all those friends because I felt they weren’t good in my life and that choice was a good one. Last august we had been contacting each other more and started seeing each other and for back together
He still drank like I always knew him to. It wasn’t that bad at first. He was never a person to handle emotions good sober or drunk. He always avoided serious conversation. When his pet passes whom he was attached to he really went off the rails. But we got through. Throughout all these years he always complained about having to take care of his parent he lives with and how he wanted more time to spend with me all the time and to live with me but he felt guilty about this parent. And how his parent put so much pressure and stress and that if we did live together shes have to come. And how he felt nothing was good enough for this parent.
This summer this parent went to visit another family member in another state for three weeks. And that’s when the spiral went rock bottom. He drank constantly now. Before this he could drink almost 2 bottles a night. He started skipping work. For months before this he had developed shakes and a pain near his side. Before the summer I had taken him to the dr to find he has fatty liver. I thought that was enough to stop the drinking but it didn’t last. During those three weeks the parent was gone, he was drinking all day into the night. He only went to work twice. All he kept saying was how great it was the parent was gone and that hopefully they stayed down there. During that time I also took him to the dr about the pain again which they wanted him admitted but he refused. The drinking stopped for a few days but then got worse. While I was at work he met up with a friend and when I went to meet them, I found he had gotten arrested and I had to go get him. He remembered nothing the next day of this arrest until I showed him paperwork. He still drank worse until finally I called his other parent for help because I knew he was going to get worse and seize. The day the other parent was due to arrive home he texted me to say he going to the hospital and the parent I had contacted for help was taking him. I stayed the whole with him in the er and visited the whole weekend when allowed in detox. All he kept saying was he was doing this for us. And the recovery journey began there
The first few weeks after the detox he was ok. Still funky from the meds but ok. He started going to AA voluntarily and I started going with him for support. I was so proud and he was happy to do this. Then a few weeks later he started becoming very quiet and shut down. He wasn’t showing any affection or emotion. The last meeting I went to with him I was running late. He got mad and stormed into the meeting so I stayed behind because I did f want to aggravate him more than he was. That’s was I did when I got mad I gave him space so that’s what I did. Later that night he accused me of pouting and it made him distracted from the meeting. I tried to explain I was trying to give him space and wasn’t doing anything intentional but he was still angry. So I gave him space
From there, I don’t hear much from him except from once a week which I make the contact to just see him to spend time together. He would usually turn me down and say he had his meetings or that he wasn’t up to be around people. Which I understand and I would respond ok and that I loved him and was proud of him which then I wouldn’t get a return response. Last week contact was alil better he even texted me he was going out of town for work until later this week. Which even though since it’s so early in his sobriety I thought it wasn’t a good thing but I didn’t say that. I said how proud I was for him for the opportunity which I am. I saw him this last Monday before he left for the first time since the meeting episode which was about a month ago. He still seems very quiet, withdrawn and not very talkative. When I found certain conversations irritated him alil so I wouldnt press the matter. Usually I stay over when I go over there and when I asked if it was ok he got irritated and said why would you ask of course. But I hadn’t been sure since he had been so distant for a month. He is currently still going to meetings and is almost 60 days sober. He is still on his work trip and I haven’t heard from him at all. I texted him the day he left to say how proud I was of him and that I loved him with no response back. I only texted him once while he’s been there to say I hope your trip is going good and that I’m proud with again no response. He hasn’t been active on social media since he left but since he started his sobriety he is barely on there anyways anymore
What I’m inquiring about is this normal type behavior for someone this early in sobriety? I just dont understand the lack of contact and emotion. I feel shutout. I want nothing more to be there for him and support but it feels like he’s shutting me out. I’ve been there for him through it all so I dont understand the lack of emotion and contact. I worry because I know he lives with the major trigger of his drinking. I myself have started Al anon and it does help. Especially the readings. I don’t try and bug him or pressure him and I don’t nag him about his treatment and try to stay in my own lane. I just feel helpless and times and don’t understand this change. I love him so much and don’t wanna turn my back because if it was me I wouldn’t act like this. But then I have to remind myself that who knows how I would be if that me because I’m not going through this.
Sorry for the long post but I wanted tell my story. I wanted know is this behavior expected this early on going through this and I am doing the right things to help him and myself??? Thank you all!!
We have been together for about 5 years. A few of those years were on and off. Met through mutual friends. Before I met him he was a drinker as myself was just a social drinker. Before I met him he had already 2 dui’s under his belt. After first meeting our paths just always seemed to cross and we found we always seemed to be attracted to each other. While first getting to know him as casual friends, he violated his probation from the second dui and went to prison for almost two years. When he came we found we still had the same attraction and started out just casual dating. During that time he still drank pretty good and got involved pretty bad situations one involving cocaine. Even though people kept telling me I shouldn’t be involved with I felt that there was more to him inside that I could see and feel that he wasn’t as bad as people made him out and no one knew him inside. Later that same year he got his third dui and lost his license and it was gonna be for almost 7 years.
I still stuck by him and as our relationship got closer I did see there was a good person inside with so much potential. At one point he did have to serve a month of time for the third dui. When he came out he had a house arrest bracelet for about month then an alcohol one for three. I still stuck by him and spent time with him and continued the relationship. During this time sometimes I felt he didn’t feel serious about us and it seemed he has a habit of running away from things and his feelings. Later that year he asked me to marry him and I accepted. I should add that he lives with one parent basically supporting that parent and I knew and understood and accepted it.
Our friends on both our sides were not accepting of our engagement and treated us poorly. Which led to fights and him drinking heavily. There were time he fell back into cocaine abuse which he has stopped after the third dui. It led to us breaking off the engagement but staying together. But the pressure of all of our friends still not accepting us and one in particular on his friend always trying to break us up which one night when he was really drunk he did break up with me and blocked me in all social media. Which devastated me because I love him. During that breakup which lasted a year I was a mess. Since I was blocked I never knew what was going on with him but I could feel he wasn’t good. I did found out through people his drinking was out of control and he was doing the cocaine again. I did see him once during this for a funeral and he could barely speak to me. When the lockdown began, I did contact him to let him know something bad happened to someone we knew. From there I started to hear from him. I never stopped loving him the whole time. I did stop associating with all those friends because I felt they weren’t good in my life and that choice was a good one. Last august we had been contacting each other more and started seeing each other and for back together
He still drank like I always knew him to. It wasn’t that bad at first. He was never a person to handle emotions good sober or drunk. He always avoided serious conversation. When his pet passes whom he was attached to he really went off the rails. But we got through. Throughout all these years he always complained about having to take care of his parent he lives with and how he wanted more time to spend with me all the time and to live with me but he felt guilty about this parent. And how his parent put so much pressure and stress and that if we did live together shes have to come. And how he felt nothing was good enough for this parent.
This summer this parent went to visit another family member in another state for three weeks. And that’s when the spiral went rock bottom. He drank constantly now. Before this he could drink almost 2 bottles a night. He started skipping work. For months before this he had developed shakes and a pain near his side. Before the summer I had taken him to the dr to find he has fatty liver. I thought that was enough to stop the drinking but it didn’t last. During those three weeks the parent was gone, he was drinking all day into the night. He only went to work twice. All he kept saying was how great it was the parent was gone and that hopefully they stayed down there. During that time I also took him to the dr about the pain again which they wanted him admitted but he refused. The drinking stopped for a few days but then got worse. While I was at work he met up with a friend and when I went to meet them, I found he had gotten arrested and I had to go get him. He remembered nothing the next day of this arrest until I showed him paperwork. He still drank worse until finally I called his other parent for help because I knew he was going to get worse and seize. The day the other parent was due to arrive home he texted me to say he going to the hospital and the parent I had contacted for help was taking him. I stayed the whole with him in the er and visited the whole weekend when allowed in detox. All he kept saying was he was doing this for us. And the recovery journey began there
The first few weeks after the detox he was ok. Still funky from the meds but ok. He started going to AA voluntarily and I started going with him for support. I was so proud and he was happy to do this. Then a few weeks later he started becoming very quiet and shut down. He wasn’t showing any affection or emotion. The last meeting I went to with him I was running late. He got mad and stormed into the meeting so I stayed behind because I did f want to aggravate him more than he was. That’s was I did when I got mad I gave him space so that’s what I did. Later that night he accused me of pouting and it made him distracted from the meeting. I tried to explain I was trying to give him space and wasn’t doing anything intentional but he was still angry. So I gave him space
From there, I don’t hear much from him except from once a week which I make the contact to just see him to spend time together. He would usually turn me down and say he had his meetings or that he wasn’t up to be around people. Which I understand and I would respond ok and that I loved him and was proud of him which then I wouldn’t get a return response. Last week contact was alil better he even texted me he was going out of town for work until later this week. Which even though since it’s so early in his sobriety I thought it wasn’t a good thing but I didn’t say that. I said how proud I was for him for the opportunity which I am. I saw him this last Monday before he left for the first time since the meeting episode which was about a month ago. He still seems very quiet, withdrawn and not very talkative. When I found certain conversations irritated him alil so I wouldnt press the matter. Usually I stay over when I go over there and when I asked if it was ok he got irritated and said why would you ask of course. But I hadn’t been sure since he had been so distant for a month. He is currently still going to meetings and is almost 60 days sober. He is still on his work trip and I haven’t heard from him at all. I texted him the day he left to say how proud I was of him and that I loved him with no response back. I only texted him once while he’s been there to say I hope your trip is going good and that I’m proud with again no response. He hasn’t been active on social media since he left but since he started his sobriety he is barely on there anyways anymore
What I’m inquiring about is this normal type behavior for someone this early in sobriety? I just dont understand the lack of contact and emotion. I feel shutout. I want nothing more to be there for him and support but it feels like he’s shutting me out. I’ve been there for him through it all so I dont understand the lack of emotion and contact. I worry because I know he lives with the major trigger of his drinking. I myself have started Al anon and it does help. Especially the readings. I don’t try and bug him or pressure him and I don’t nag him about his treatment and try to stay in my own lane. I just feel helpless and times and don’t understand this change. I love him so much and don’t wanna turn my back because if it was me I wouldn’t act like this. But then I have to remind myself that who knows how I would be if that me because I’m not going through this.
Sorry for the long post but I wanted tell my story. I wanted know is this behavior expected this early on going through this and I am doing the right things to help him and myself??? Thank you all!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
justkeep......what I can tell you with confidence is this------the person that you see in recovery---wither early or in genuine recovery----will not be the same person that you have kinown when they are actively drinking. Having said this---it is also true that early recovery for an alcoholic can be a very difficult time for them---probably even harder than you, a non-alcoholic can even imagine. 6o days is a very short amount of time. It takes a much longer time for the alcoholic to feel somewhat stable. I am talking of a year at the very LEAST. To really get into genuine recovery and begin to live by the principles of AA as the main priority in life---for the rest of their lives---it can take 2-3-4-5 years, depending on who you talk to, and the individual alcoholic.
I expect that this is news to you and probably news that you don't savor. It is news to most people who aren't educated and experienced in alcoholism.
Here is another bit of "news" that is seen as not very logical by most people-----as the loved one, you will be seen as the "enemy" by the alcoholic, when it comes to their sobriety. This is why----for the alcoholic, giving up the alcohol is like giving up a part of himself. Like taking water away from a fish---or, taking oxygen away from you.
No doubt, like most loved ones, you have tried to get him to give up the thing that is most dear to him. That makes you the enemy---the force that he fights against.
***All of your encouragement will be seen as you pushing YOUR agenda of getting him to not drink. He will resent the **ll out of you, every time that you do it.
I will give you a few suggestions. From what you share, I think it appears that you do have co-dependency tendencies, and you have been enormously enmeshed in his alcoholism. This can be very destructive to the both of you. It doesn't really help him and it really hurts you.
For starters, I suggest that you strop telling him that you are proud of him----and, especially, coupling that statement with your "love" of him. It probably makes his teeth grind...lol.
Short of giving him a ride (if you want to)....stop attending AA meetings with him. If you want to go to AA meetings (I actually think that a lolt can be learned by attending AA meetings).....go to the ones that are marked as OPEN meetings. Those usually have speakers. He does not need your support by going to the meeting with him.
I suggest that you get and read the book that is the most recommended book on this forum. "Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think that a lot will resonate with you!
We have over one hundred great articles in the stickies---just above the regular threads. They are in the section called "Classic Readings".
In addition---I suggest that you go the the very---very bottom of the main soberrecovery main page. See the forum called "The best of sober recovery". Read the excellent articles listed on that forum. They are excellent!
I expect that this is news to you and probably news that you don't savor. It is news to most people who aren't educated and experienced in alcoholism.
Here is another bit of "news" that is seen as not very logical by most people-----as the loved one, you will be seen as the "enemy" by the alcoholic, when it comes to their sobriety. This is why----for the alcoholic, giving up the alcohol is like giving up a part of himself. Like taking water away from a fish---or, taking oxygen away from you.
No doubt, like most loved ones, you have tried to get him to give up the thing that is most dear to him. That makes you the enemy---the force that he fights against.
***All of your encouragement will be seen as you pushing YOUR agenda of getting him to not drink. He will resent the **ll out of you, every time that you do it.
I will give you a few suggestions. From what you share, I think it appears that you do have co-dependency tendencies, and you have been enormously enmeshed in his alcoholism. This can be very destructive to the both of you. It doesn't really help him and it really hurts you.
For starters, I suggest that you strop telling him that you are proud of him----and, especially, coupling that statement with your "love" of him. It probably makes his teeth grind...lol.
Short of giving him a ride (if you want to)....stop attending AA meetings with him. If you want to go to AA meetings (I actually think that a lolt can be learned by attending AA meetings).....go to the ones that are marked as OPEN meetings. Those usually have speakers. He does not need your support by going to the meeting with him.
I suggest that you get and read the book that is the most recommended book on this forum. "Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think that a lot will resonate with you!
We have over one hundred great articles in the stickies---just above the regular threads. They are in the section called "Classic Readings".
In addition---I suggest that you go the the very---very bottom of the main soberrecovery main page. See the forum called "The best of sober recovery". Read the excellent articles listed on that forum. They are excellent!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 5
Dandelion- thank you!!! I never would’ve looked at it that way about telling him I’m proud or that I love him. I know that I am but I never thought it would affect in that way. I just wanted to show support and that I’m there for him. I figured someone going through would want to hear those things and never could’ve thought it would irritate this early on. I know sometimes I get frustrated with everything but I know it’s harder on someone going through this. After all we can’t see in people’s heads. But that’s a great outlook. I’ll definitely check out those readings.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
justkeeping......as you read and study, I think that you will discover the following------There are two situations where the lessons that we were taught about relationships, growing up, are entirely topsy-turvy---those are addictions and abuse. The rules in these relationships are u sually the opposite of what we logically think they would be.
The rules that we learned, growing up----either by observation, or what we were taught in the schools and churches, and the media, and by the culture, in general.
They were good rules that work pretty well in normal, healthy relationships.
No one thought to tell us about relationships where they don't work. Who knew?!
There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.
The rules that we learned, growing up----either by observation, or what we were taught in the schools and churches, and the media, and by the culture, in general.
They were good rules that work pretty well in normal, healthy relationships.
No one thought to tell us about relationships where they don't work. Who knew?!
There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
hi justkeepinon, glad you decided to post. Yes, it can be very frustrating, you will find a lot of support here for you though!
I hope you will read around the forum and post as often as you would like.
Is this normal behaviour? Many times a person will pull away when they enter sobriety, is he sober? Who knows! You are sure to find out more but him being absent, basically for a month, isn't really good for you is it?
I hope you will read around the forum and post as often as you would like.
Is this normal behaviour? Many times a person will pull away when they enter sobriety, is he sober? Who knows! You are sure to find out more but him being absent, basically for a month, isn't really good for you is it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 5
Thanks trailmix!!! It wasn’t uncommon at times when we had arguments that I wouldn’t hear much from him or not a lot of responses. One time I didn’t really hear much from him for a month. This was when he was drinking. I believe he is sober, he’s going to meetings and there’s no alcohol at his house. But no this hasn’t been good on me and he pretty much blew me off while he’s been on this trip and couldn’t even answer a simple text. I guess for him no matter all the hell he put me through and through everything I was there for him no matter what and I wanted to stand by him through this, I guess to him it never mattered. So I’m just gonna take care of myself, do my al anon zoom meetings and do my best. Thank you!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
justkeepin......alcoholism (or any addiction) is about as selfish as it can get. It takes all that is in it's path. It drags down the person and all of those around that person.
given it's way---it takes down the physical, emotional and spiritual.
Don't let yourself stand in that path.
given it's way---it takes down the physical, emotional and spiritual.
Don't let yourself stand in that path.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Originally Posted by justkeepinon13 
I guess to him it never mattered. So I’m just gonna take care of myself, do my al anon zoom meetings and do my best. Thank you!!
Also you are right as far as what you did not mattering to him. Relative to alcohol, nothing matters to an alcoholic. It isn't personal, it is just how they are. Most of us here bent over backwards to love, support and help our Qualifiers (A Qualifier is the addict each of us had a relationship with). None of these actions mattered; however turning our focus to ourselves and learning boundaries and detachment has been life changing for most of us.
Let us know how you get on.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
"...if it was me I wouldn’t act like this. But then I have to remind myself that who knows how I would be if that me because I’m not going through this."
That's some good insight - he is going through something I hope you never ever have to go through; recovery from addiction is a life or death proposition. And addiction is torture.
But - you, you are going through something very unique too, you are going through something that brought all of us here to this forum.
I learned so much and saved my own sanity by going to AlAnon meetings (AlAnon is like AA but specifically for the friends and family of alcoholics). I needed some tools to change my thinking, to get my impulse off focusing on fixing, or supporting, or saying the right thing to the alcoholic and on fixing, supporting, and saying the right thing to MYSELF! I am the only person on this planet that I can change.
His recovery and choices are on his side of the street. Your life, your choices, are your own, and when you have a loved one who is an alcoholic you need to have some pretty clear ideas about what are your choices? What's on your side of the street, in your control? How do you want to live? How are you taking the best care of your own self?
AlAnon, individual therapy, and reading lots of books on codependency changed my life for the MUCH better!!
A place to find meetings:
Al Anon
Glad you're here, even though what brought you here is one of the most challenging things in life, you're not alone.
Peace,
B.
That's some good insight - he is going through something I hope you never ever have to go through; recovery from addiction is a life or death proposition. And addiction is torture.
But - you, you are going through something very unique too, you are going through something that brought all of us here to this forum.
I learned so much and saved my own sanity by going to AlAnon meetings (AlAnon is like AA but specifically for the friends and family of alcoholics). I needed some tools to change my thinking, to get my impulse off focusing on fixing, or supporting, or saying the right thing to the alcoholic and on fixing, supporting, and saying the right thing to MYSELF! I am the only person on this planet that I can change.
His recovery and choices are on his side of the street. Your life, your choices, are your own, and when you have a loved one who is an alcoholic you need to have some pretty clear ideas about what are your choices? What's on your side of the street, in your control? How do you want to live? How are you taking the best care of your own self?
AlAnon, individual therapy, and reading lots of books on codependency changed my life for the MUCH better!!
A place to find meetings:
Al Anon
Glad you're here, even though what brought you here is one of the most challenging things in life, you're not alone.
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 5
Thank you all!!! I’ve been doing my readings and also reading threads. I also talk to people I know that have been through this and it helps. He was supposed to be back from work trip yesterday. I still haven’t heard from him and I didn’t reach out. He did post on Facebook yesterday he was at some exhibit out where his trip was. It was an exhibit I would’ve loved and I was so hurt and angry like oh you can post but you can’t text me at all?? Like you know I would’ve liked to see pictures from that. But then I thought of a positive like well he’s alive. Did he relapse on this trip who knows. Did he cheat who knows. Did he start talking to toxic people again again who knows. And I thought he knew I could see the post and did t think once to say a word to me so why should give an ounce of energy being upset. My birthday is Monday and I have no expectations whatsoever. If I do hear anything it’ll probably be out of obligation. But I am getting better with slowly detaching. After all someone who does care makes effort and why put effort into someone who isn’t. I’ve been focusing on myself. Watching new movies and I was lucky to get the day off from work so I’ll see my parents. This is a process learning to just take it one day at a time and qtip. I know God and the universe will come through in positive ways
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Refiner
I’m so sorry but your relationship with this person sounds draining and depressing. Why would you want to be with someone that treats you so badly? This guy is into one person… HIMSELF.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Good to hear from you Just. It sounds like your situation is continuing as can be expected. It is painful.
Keep doing whatever you can to take care of yourself. This can be so tough when your beloved one is self-destructing. There is only so much we can do for others and somethings we can only do for ourselves . . . . on that note, I'm off to put on painting clothes, stain some of the deck railing and then look for some urethane to paint the front door railing . . . . okay I'm not exactly saving the world here but this I can do!
Keep doing whatever you can to take care of yourself. This can be so tough when your beloved one is self-destructing. There is only so much we can do for others and somethings we can only do for ourselves . . . . on that note, I'm off to put on painting clothes, stain some of the deck railing and then look for some urethane to paint the front door railing . . . . okay I'm not exactly saving the world here but this I can do!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
justkeepinon…..I congratulate you on keeping a positive attitude about the Universe. This is tough , but, we all know that a positive attitude will carry you through more tough times than a negative one will!
I am wishing you a Happy Birthday, ahead of time....and please enjoy the time with your parents as much as you can.
For what it is worth----if he did relapse, it wasn't specifically, because he doesn't care about you---he doesn't drink at you---he drinks because HHhe is an alcoholic and that is what alcoholics Do---they Drink.
He drinks because of what is inside of himself.
Even though his alcoholism does hurt you---he doesn't drink just to hurt you.
It is likely because he has this condition and he probably isn't adhering to the principles of his recovery program (AA) as he should be. He should be adhering to it as his most important priority. an half measures simply won't do it.
He will, most likely, find this out for himself the hard way.
I am wishing you a Happy Birthday, ahead of time....and please enjoy the time with your parents as much as you can.
For what it is worth----if he did relapse, it wasn't specifically, because he doesn't care about you---he doesn't drink at you---he drinks because HHhe is an alcoholic and that is what alcoholics Do---they Drink.
He drinks because of what is inside of himself.
Even though his alcoholism does hurt you---he doesn't drink just to hurt you.
It is likely because he has this condition and he probably isn't adhering to the principles of his recovery program (AA) as he should be. He should be adhering to it as his most important priority. an half measures simply won't do it.
He will, most likely, find this out for himself the hard way.
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