CloudsInCoffee

This is my first time posting and I guess I just need to tell someone what I’m going through. Sorry if this rambles.

My husband is a functional alcoholic. He is currently in our garage drinking from the beer that was bought for our sons birthday party tomorrow. He bought it after work so “we wouldn’t have to get it tomorrow”. I never would have brought that much beer in the house knowing he will just keep drinking and drinking. He “promised@ to behave and only have a few but that’s unlikely. If it were up to me we would not even have beer at the party. We have a 3 year old and a 9 month old and I just do not know how long I can keep doing this. I’m so exhausted from the continuous cycle of anxiety, being afraid, fighting, crying etc. He is always verbally and has been physically abusive in the past. We have been together for 20 years and every year it gets worse. I would love to say I regret marrying him but then I would not have my beautiful children. They are my world. I’m afraid to leave and I’m afraid to stay. The kicker is no one has any idea how much he drinks or how horrible he is. Sure he drinks around friends and family but not to excess. It’s when we get home that he continues drinking and gets nasty. I don’t know who I can turn to or trust. I feel so alone. Even when he isn’t drinking it not really a good marriage to be honest. I can’t not remember feeling happy other than when I am with my children. I can’t remember two days in row where I did not cry or feel badly. I know I need to leave but I’m afraid to take the first step. My children deserve so much more than this life. Tomorrow I will most likely wake up sad and have to put on a happy face and pretend all is well at my child’s birthday. Thank for reading if you got this far. I think I just needed someone to listen and to just get it off my chest.

Eauchiche

Dear Coffee
There are many friends on these pages that have direct experience with helping those who have been victims of abuse. I have very little experience personally, but have read advice on other threads telling the victims to call an abuse hotline and get a file opened. I believe this would be a good idea in your case.
I am so very sorry for you and your children. We can be a great support to you here.

advbike

Hi, so glad you came and posted. As E mentioned, there are several on here more practiced in the actual process to follow and will have advice about your situation. But what I can say is that having beer at a child's birthday party is ridiculous. It's just an excuse for him to drink, and no he is not really "functional', or "high functioning" - drinking like that and abusive behavior is dysfunctional. You should not have to put up with emotional or physical abuse under any circumstances. And lastly, it is very damaging for children to grow up in abusive and alcoholic households. They will see the way the two of you relate to each other, how your husband acts.. and think it is normal. I am a child of an alcoholic parent and generally dysfunctional home and the damage is lasting. It sounds like it may be time to move on if your husband won't get sober.

I'm so very sorry for your situation. Please stay close here, read other threads in this F&F section, and keep posting.

sage1969

I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad that you have found SR. There are both good information and support from people who have been in your situation. (If you wish to read any member's story, you can click their avatar then choose to read all posts).

I am sorry to hear this, but you are correct. He is an alcoholic. Others have said this, but children's parties don't usually have alcohol present. At all. I have 4 children, and have both hosted and have brought my children to all sorts of birthday parties, and alcohol is not present.

As a codependent and as having been a domestic violence victim, I recognise that you enable your husband's drinking by appeasing him in hopes it will keep him happy. It won't. It will go on to make the impossible situation continue.

Yes, DV will get worse over time, perpetrators will continue to escalate. If you wish to make it out of this situation alive, and if you wish to change your children's future, you must safely leave the situation.

There are usually local DV agencies that can help with shelter. The national hotline within the US is 800−799−SAFE(7233). You can also Google your local shelters. If you are being physically harmed you can also call the police. Most municipalities accept text messages to 911 if you cannot call in safety.

You already know what happens if you stay, it gets worse. You are a strong and capable person. You are able to maintain a home and raise children. There's no need to think you aren't capable of this on your own. This is one of the ways your husband manipulates you into staying.

I know how this feels. My AH was an addict, an alcoholic, and a vicious man. Believe me, no one should live this way. And you can choose to leave and there are safe ways to do it.

In order to stay safe, yes, act as you always have. But I urge you to think about calling a hotline for help if you have privacy to make phone calls. They can help you to

· plan a safety plan where you can go and how to go about it;
· help you find legal resources for a restraining order and / or divorce;
· help with resources for medical care, therapy for you and your children; and
· help with life skills to learn what you need to be independent if you've never lived on your own.

I have been through it. I had to leave while my husband was away at work. I left to drive the children to school and instead drove to the courthouse to file an emergency restraining order and then went to stay with a relative he did not know about. We went with the clothes on our backs. I went home later with a sheriff's officer to escort me to get clothing, toiletries, the children's school things, my important papers, and my pets.

Don't act differently than you normally would. When you make your plan, enlist only those you trust like your DV worker, your therapist, etc. Once you leave, do not go back. I once made the mistake of allowing him back inside after police had talked him down and assured me he was calm. As soon as the front door was closed, he got ahold of me and beat the **** out of me in front of my children. Statistically, this is the most dangerous time for a woman, when they decide to and attempt to leave. So if you need to, call or text 911.

trailmix

Hi Clouds, glad you found the forum but so sorry for what brings you here.

Physical and verbal abuse is never ok, as I'm sure you know. I understand your fear, sometimes it is easier to just stay where you are than think about the process of leaving. That said, when in a physically abusive situation in particular, it's really time to get out.

Can you talk to your family about this at all, brothers, sisters? His abuse is not your secret to keep you know and you don't have to feel obligated to do that. I'm sure you just want your children to be safe and happy.

I hope you will call the Domestic Violence hotline. They will have a wealth of information and services for you and they want to help. You can even call them anonymously if you want to. I'm sure you are depressed about all this and that your self esteem has taken a beating as well, so it makes it doubly hard to move on with what you need to do. Baby steps, one step a day will get you moving forward to better days, where you don't have to wake up sad, you can just wake up to peacefulness and your happy kiddies..

There is so much information right here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...how-leave.html (How to leave)

DV contacts for the U.S. and other countries, threads about leaving etc.

PeacefulWater12

Just to say I am sorry you are in this situation, glad you are reaching out here for support.

I was married to an alcoholic too, they were get worse over time.

OKRunner

Dear CloudsInCoffee,

I just wanted to reach out and give you a virtual hug. Welcome and thank you for posting here. I think you'll find a community that will be very supportive. I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I am glad you posted.

~OK Runner

CloudsInCoffee

Thank you all so much for your support. Knowing others are out there is helping. I am going to begin taking steps to get out.

Thankfully the last two days were not horrible and my son had a wonderful birthday. Both Friday and Saturday night he ended up falling asleep before the fighting could begin.

Scd619x

Yes please get out, give your kids a chance and you deserve more for you too although i'm sure you don't believe that so focus on the kid's future and how they will turn out being raised in that environment.

I can't imagine how scary the prospect of leaving is though, you've been with him a long time and have two little kids but if you get to the other side i guarantee you will question why you didn't leave earlier

Bekindalways

Good to hear that you will be taking steps to make your life better. Many alcoholics never recover or they can get sober and then relapse.

The best we can do is figure out what is on "Our Side of the Street". These are the things that we can change. Someone's alcoholism is their side of the street. We can do nothing about their drinking.

What you are facing is beyond difficult. Please let us know how you get on.

trailmix

Hi Clouds, I know it will seem insurmountable sometimes, it's truly not. You are also more courageous than you think you are you know? You deserve a safe and peaceful place to live, as do your children.

My Father used to hit my Mother periodically (he was an alcoholic), I went on to marry young to a man that also hit me, so I know where you are coming from. The person I married wasn't an alcoholic but he was violent. Eventually that eased off but you know, it never went away because the threat of violence was always there.

It's a terrible life for you and also for your children who have no way to protect themselves. Forget his alcoholism and violence, those are his problems and you can leave him to deal with those. Alcoholism will drag everyone in to it who is around it, perhaps time to let go of that rope (as in let go or be dragged). You need people on your side, we are, the DV folks will be too, they will understand as we do. I hope you keep posting, we are happy to give you support, even if you just want to vent!

Spiderweb

Clouds, So sorry you are going through such a difficult situation. I needed to leave a bad situation as well. You love your kids and sometimes the loving thing to do for yourself and them is to not stay in a toxic situation. I would also suggest getting your support group together- counselor, close friends, family, possibly a lawyer- whoever it may be to support you through this. It is incredibly tough but the people who truly care for you will be there. Stay connected here, you’re not alone.

Cookie314

Hey clouds, I hope you're still doing alright. Calling those hotlines for help, and making arrangements with your friends or family he may not know much about is a good first step. I also wanted to point out that when you're in a situation where your partner has been physically abusive, leaving is often the most dangerous time. If you decide to get out of that situation (which sounds like the right course of action), do not discuss it with him. Don't bring up your thoughts about leaving, or give him one last chance to get clean, etc. That fear of losing power and control over you and the kids can make abusers very dangerous.

Subtlety is your best friend. You can try to pack bug out bags to leave at the house of a friend or family member that will let you and the kids stay.
If possible you can make arrangements to have your car parked in one place while you stay in another. You'll want to discuss with their school teachers and administrators about never letting your kids leave with anyone but you or a small list of trusted people, and ways to verify it's them. If you get a different address you can ask the court not to let it go public, and talk to your employer, school staff, and various contacts about not telling it to anyone.

That's what I can think of off the top of my head. Definitely reach out to resources that are experienced in this stuff. Please keep posting on here and read their the forums. There's a lot of people in here who care and can help.

As a side note, also don't post any of your private info or location on here or any other social media. This forum is public for example, and when my AH found my account, he caused a lot of drama. And that's without any physical abuse to contend with. If you make the move, don't post about it.