pizza67

Any tips? He’s not violent but he could yell, cut us off financially, start drinking again, or break stuff.

sage1969

Pizza, I can tell you what I did in removing myself from a violent living situation. It does absolutely depend on planning and building a support system.

You need to place ID, emergency money, account numbers, anything you need in a safe place you can always access, like a locked desk drawer at work or with a trusted friend. If you have an opportunity to pack a go bag with necessities, do it, but only if it won't give away your plan.

You need to build a network of people you trust: a therapist, a minister if you go to a religious institution, trusted friends / family.

You need to make a solid plan. Where will you live, work? How will you stay safe?

I was in a situation when I was very young and it was not safe for me. I quietly did all these things, set aside what I needed, made a plan, told only very trusted people. I left, filed a restraining order, went and stayed with a distant relative that no one knew about, until I could get on my feet.

Carry always your phone, phone charger. Call the police if you have to. Be prepared if you call the police, that is when you will be leaving, it won't be safe to go back after that. (I made the mistake of allowing him back inside when a neighbor called the police, after the police talked him down and said he was fine and calm, only for him to beat the **** out of me as soon as the front door was closed).

You say that he is not violent, yet he might break things? That is violence, and it is a slippery slope between breaking things and hurting you.

This is the most dangerous time for a person, to leave an alcoholic / addict, if they have any tendencies towards being violent. Be safe

dandylion

pizza......sage is giving some good tips.....and, by a simple google search, there are lots of websites devoted to "how to safely leave a relationship".
I think that one of the first things that you should provide to yourself, is to talk to a lawyer----the dv organization can refer you to someone in the legal community who can appraise you of your rights as well as his own rights. Having this kind of knowledge will give you more self confidence and take away his ability to gaslight and scare you.
A phone call to the dv community can get you such a referral.
I suggest, that, until you have a plan in mind----make sure to behave as you normally would. Any noticeable change in behavior coul arouse his suspicions that something is up.

velma929

One of my colleagues had a violent alcoholic husband. On the night he threatened to kill them all, then himself, she and the children left, literally with the clothes on their backs. The legal issue about ownership of the house came later.

You may have to do this, and fight about the house later. Sage has given you good suggestions.

One advice-giver on the internet (there was once Google Answers) rented an apartment without telling anyone. Started having mail delivered there, (plus bank statements) moved over her paperwork, (insurance policies, social security card, IDs, pots and pans she'd thought wouldn't be missed) and on a day when her husband was at work, hired a truck and casual labor pack up and take the items she needed most to her apartment. She paid to have the truck an extra day, and had a trusted friend not in the neighborhood keep the truck in her driveway until the next morning, moving day. Left her old keys on the table, (taking the new copies she'd made,) so maybe he wouldn't change the locks.

I don't know if you want to keep the house (unhappy memories there) or if you hope to sell it to start anew someplace else, or maybe stay. If that's the case I'd be surprised if a judge didn't order one or the other of you to compensate the spouse for the equity in the home. I know I was sad when Mom sold the home where we grew up, but with Dad's death, she really didn't need a three-bed-two-bath home.

BTW in my youth, a roommate moved out of our apartment the same way - a stealth move, a few items at a time. It took us weeks to realize what was going on.

PeacefulWater12

I left when former husband was at work. I just took paperwork and my clothes. Also the dogs as he had said he would get the vet to put them down if I ever left him.

He did get very nasty and spiteful. Tried to ruin me financially but I was away from it physically.

Spiderweb

In the title of your post you say “…to make him leave the house”. I may not have this right, but are you hoping he leaves not that you have to? You will probably be the one to have to go, following the suggestions above. I remember years ago I told my XAH he should be the one to leave and he laughed in my face. So years later, I left. I had talked to lawyer and was working with an excellent counselor who really held my hand through it. I had all my paperwork and bag in my car and went to stay with a friend until my rental opened up. My daughter was at a friend’s house. He travels so I meant to wait until he was out of town but ended up doing it sooner after an argument. Not that I would recommend that but sometimes you just need to go making sure you have plans in place and kids are safe of course. I was not worried about him being violent but knew he would yell and be upset. He was.
Once I left I only texted him and said he could not have overnights with our daughter until he got help. It was very hard but I held my ground and he is now in a program. You will have to hold your ground afterwards and have a plan then too. Do you plan to divorce? I filed immediately, which still took over a month, but it felt so good knowing things were clear and my lawyer was fighting for me.

velma929

I stayed with my husband because I was concerned about finances if I left.

Let me tell you, I earned every penny I got. And --- had he lived, he'd have spent it all by now on booze and cigarettes. If he hadn't died, we'd be in dire straights by now.

pizza67

see Velma, I get that and I would do that. But the kids would cut me out, and he’s never going to be bad enough to die before me. He’s too narcissistic and takes too good care of himself. He quit over a year ago due to an ultimatum but he’s still a narcissist and nasty.

pizza67

Very upset at how little money I get despite over two decades. Half of his stuff, my ass.

velma929

My point was: It was a mistake to stay. At the time he died, he'd been fired from three jobs in six years. Additionally, he would have spent all the money in his retirement savings by now. I suspect his social security check would barely have covered his booze, cigarettes and Medicare Part-whatever so we'd be living on MY income at this point. That's barely enough to support ME. If the house hadn't been paid off (MY idea, all the way) it would be nearly impossible. I've never stopped working, and I paid half our expenses during our marriage, even when my AH made DOUBLE what I did.

In one of your posts, you wrote he threatened to retire. He can do that anyway, while married to you. Your over-18 children who aren't ready to launch may have to get ready. (They may also have been under the impression that 'the wife gets half her husband's stuff.' Depends on the judge and the circumstances) I've known at least two people in my life who were emancipated minors, supporting themselves at the age of 16, finding a place to live, working all the hours they could, and completing high school. It happens. If they are over 18, he might not be required to support them, and chances are, neither will you.

Young adults' first priority isn't usually hanging out with their parents, even in the best of circumstances. I can tell you (because all the friends I had at the time were doing it) that renting a crappy apartment in a kind of sketchy part of town, making one bag of groceries last a week, and dealing with room mates is a valuable learning experience. Sometimes we even had fun.

Yep, sometimes when the addict quits, all you get is a sobered-up jackass.

sage1969

When you put it that way, it's hardly worth sticking around and putting up with all that. Tbh, I was happy to just be out of it.

Once I was on my own I really got an opportunity to decide how I wanted to live, and I could really decide what kind of a life was meaningful to me. My AH, even my XABF, spent a lot of money. I've found a better balance, and I'm able to live within my means.

So it can be hurtful to have a label stuck on you how much your part of the relationship was valued at monetarily, but this is just something to let go along with the rest of it, as you start to heal.