Is it normal to feel like this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 14
Is it normal to feel like this?
Bit of a backstory.
I have only known my partner as a alcoholic (that's what he was let's not sugar coat it). At this worse he was drinking 8 bottles a day.
He was when he didn't take it to far fun, affectionate, the life and soul of the party. However very mean and nasty once the late evening come and he was drunk.
He made the decision to get sobre..and i totally support this. He needed too or he wouldn't have been around much longer. It was bad.
Please don't beat me for this because i feel awful. He is just so different sobre. I feel like im learning to know a whole different person. He doesn't remember significant parts in our life like getting engaged, me moving in with him.
I understand he's going to maybe be quite and withdrawn whilst he adjusts but i feel like now he's sobre he doesn't want me or love me because he only made the decisions he did with me because he was drunk.
Is it normal to feel like this? I feel like i am living with a stranger who hates me!
I have only known my partner as a alcoholic (that's what he was let's not sugar coat it). At this worse he was drinking 8 bottles a day.
He was when he didn't take it to far fun, affectionate, the life and soul of the party. However very mean and nasty once the late evening come and he was drunk.
He made the decision to get sobre..and i totally support this. He needed too or he wouldn't have been around much longer. It was bad.
Please don't beat me for this because i feel awful. He is just so different sobre. I feel like im learning to know a whole different person. He doesn't remember significant parts in our life like getting engaged, me moving in with him.
I understand he's going to maybe be quite and withdrawn whilst he adjusts but i feel like now he's sobre he doesn't want me or love me because he only made the decisions he did with me because he was drunk.
Is it normal to feel like this? I feel like i am living with a stranger who hates me!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It is normal to feel like this.
Though it seems impossible, I urge you to make every effort not to take his behavior personally. It might not feel like, but it literally has nothing to do with you.
He has not had to face life without drinking in a long time. You have never known him sober, but he hasn't known himself sober in a long time, either. "Quiet and withdrawn while adjusts" is minimizing quite a great deal what it will be like for him to learn to deal with life on life's terms, and without his number one coping mechanism. He is already dealing with lost memories, but he will also have to deal with emotions that aren't numbed by alcoholic--however many years' worth of emotions he's stuffed back through drinking. And all of that is only if he actually maintains his sobriety and works an active and honest program of recovery. Not everyone who stops drinking stays stopped. Not everyone who stop drinking recovers from the things that drove them to drinking in the first place. This is a long road he is on, and he is only on the first step.
Now is a good time for you to evaluate where you are in your life and in this relationship. You say you are engaged, but you might consider putting those wedding plans on hold until he stabilizes and you both begin to understand who he is as a sober person. It might also be time to ask yourself why you put up with "mean and nasty" behavior from someone who is supposed to treat you with care and respect.
Whatever you do, you will find support and understand here.
Though it seems impossible, I urge you to make every effort not to take his behavior personally. It might not feel like, but it literally has nothing to do with you.
He has not had to face life without drinking in a long time. You have never known him sober, but he hasn't known himself sober in a long time, either. "Quiet and withdrawn while adjusts" is minimizing quite a great deal what it will be like for him to learn to deal with life on life's terms, and without his number one coping mechanism. He is already dealing with lost memories, but he will also have to deal with emotions that aren't numbed by alcoholic--however many years' worth of emotions he's stuffed back through drinking. And all of that is only if he actually maintains his sobriety and works an active and honest program of recovery. Not everyone who stops drinking stays stopped. Not everyone who stop drinking recovers from the things that drove them to drinking in the first place. This is a long road he is on, and he is only on the first step.
Now is a good time for you to evaluate where you are in your life and in this relationship. You say you are engaged, but you might consider putting those wedding plans on hold until he stabilizes and you both begin to understand who he is as a sober person. It might also be time to ask yourself why you put up with "mean and nasty" behavior from someone who is supposed to treat you with care and respect.
Whatever you do, you will find support and understand here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Hello London
Glad you are posting and expressing your feelings.
I relate, my alcoholic husband stopped drinking for about 8 or 9 months many years ago now. It was horrible, he was horrible.
There is a difference between "not drinking" and working a recovery program to get "sober".
He had no coping mechanisms to deal with life and was very bad tempered and nasty. It is called being a "dry drunk" in AA.
It also feels horrible to them, like they are all raw nerve endings, everything is so very very painful to them. The world is too loud, too awful. You have to bear in mind whilst drinking alcohol they are numbed down a lot. So when the numbness wears off as the alcohol clears their body life becomes hell on earth. This is why lots go back to drinking. To numb everything back down to a more comfortable and less painful level.
Also going through the physical detox is very painful. That lasts about a week or bit less.
When my husband eventually picked up drinking again, I felt great relief as did he.
I write this from both sides, as a person married to a drinker and a former drinker myself.
Have you considered Al-anon, they would help you with this.
It is absolutely OK to say that you feel this way. Completely valid.
Glad you are posting and expressing your feelings.
I relate, my alcoholic husband stopped drinking for about 8 or 9 months many years ago now. It was horrible, he was horrible.
There is a difference between "not drinking" and working a recovery program to get "sober".
He had no coping mechanisms to deal with life and was very bad tempered and nasty. It is called being a "dry drunk" in AA.
It also feels horrible to them, like they are all raw nerve endings, everything is so very very painful to them. The world is too loud, too awful. You have to bear in mind whilst drinking alcohol they are numbed down a lot. So when the numbness wears off as the alcohol clears their body life becomes hell on earth. This is why lots go back to drinking. To numb everything back down to a more comfortable and less painful level.
Also going through the physical detox is very painful. That lasts about a week or bit less.
When my husband eventually picked up drinking again, I felt great relief as did he.
I write this from both sides, as a person married to a drinker and a former drinker myself.
Have you considered Al-anon, they would help you with this.
It is absolutely OK to say that you feel this way. Completely valid.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
London.....I would say that this is a feeling that many who come to this forum express. Early sobriety can be as or more difficult than the actual active drinking period.
This often comes as a surprise (shock) to those who have wanted so badly for their loved one to become sober.
Early sobriety is no picnic for the alcoholic or their loved ones.
Having said this....not all people are identical---everyone is an individual. However, the general course of the disease can be described.
This often comes as a surprise (shock) to those who have wanted so badly for their loved one to become sober.
Early sobriety is no picnic for the alcoholic or their loved ones.
Having said this....not all people are identical---everyone is an individual. However, the general course of the disease can be described.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 14
Thank you all for your replies.
In the last hour he's messaged me telling me that he doesn't want kids now... And me moving in is to fast (im meant to be officially moving in tomorrow).
I've got no idea what i am doing im in absolute bits. I wanted him so badly to be sobre but now he is this is turning into a nightmare.
I know this must be so so hard from him and he is going through all sorts of emotions but wish i had never got involved...😢
In the last hour he's messaged me telling me that he doesn't want kids now... And me moving in is to fast (im meant to be officially moving in tomorrow).
I've got no idea what i am doing im in absolute bits. I wanted him so badly to be sobre but now he is this is turning into a nightmare.
I know this must be so so hard from him and he is going through all sorts of emotions but wish i had never got involved...😢
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
London......I can appreciate how much these changes have caught you off balance.
I know that you will handle it the way you decide that you want to....but, if you don't mind a suggestion coming from a person who has seen this kind of situation a lot----I would suggest that you postpone any decisions that affect YOUR future welfare--for example---not move in tomorrow. If things are so difficult and unpredictable and chaotic, right now---imagine how much worse it will feel if you were under the same roof.
You must think of yourself, right now.
He has the availability of all sorts of support for whatever he is going through----AA is available 24/7...and he would have a sponsor and the support of all of the group members as well as the fact that he can get a counselor/or therapist/or a professional doctor....etc.
You are the one who needs loads of support, for yourself as much as he does.
I know that you will handle it the way you decide that you want to....but, if you don't mind a suggestion coming from a person who has seen this kind of situation a lot----I would suggest that you postpone any decisions that affect YOUR future welfare--for example---not move in tomorrow. If things are so difficult and unpredictable and chaotic, right now---imagine how much worse it will feel if you were under the same roof.
You must think of yourself, right now.
He has the availability of all sorts of support for whatever he is going through----AA is available 24/7...and he would have a sponsor and the support of all of the group members as well as the fact that he can get a counselor/or therapist/or a professional doctor....etc.
You are the one who needs loads of support, for yourself as much as he does.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by London85 
Thank you all for your replies.
In the last hour he's messaged me telling me that he doesn't want kids now... And me moving in is to fast (im meant to be officially moving in tomorrow).
I've got no idea what i am doing im in absolute bits. I wanted him so badly to be sobre but now he is this is turning into a nightmare.
I know this must be so so hard from him and he is going through all sorts of emotions but wish i had never got involved...😢
In the last hour he's messaged me telling me that he doesn't want kids now... And me moving in is to fast (im meant to be officially moving in tomorrow).
I've got no idea what i am doing im in absolute bits. I wanted him so badly to be sobre but now he is this is turning into a nightmare.
I know this must be so so hard from him and he is going through all sorts of emotions but wish i had never got involved...😢
In the long run certainly it would be better for your fiance to be sober and working his program. I think we all want what is best for our loved ones. In working the program, people are often encouraged to wait at least a year before starting a new relationship, exactly because it does take time to heal and discover oneself without the alcohol.
This does not at all guarantee that you will feel the same about your fiance sober as you did before he showed his "dry drunk" colors.
I'm new to SR, and though my training as a codependent and addict started in my family of origin and through two AHs, I just went through this process with my XABF. He proposed during a blackout drunk. I realised that he did not remember very much of our life together, and I saw a rare glimpse of him without alcohol in his system, and he was not the person I thought he was. My heart is still healing -- I still love him though I've come to accept that he can't love me.
I know it's so hard, but plan for yourself right now, make certain you have a place to live, look after your finances, and also be kind to yourself as you need to process and heal.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
London, I'm really sorry this has happened to you, unfortunately, as you read around the forum (which I hope you will) you will see that this kind of erratic behaviour from an alcoholic (or newly sober alcoholic) is not unusual.
You don't know him as a sober person but also, he doesn't know himself as a sober person at this point. Whatever reasons he was drinking for, self medicating, coping, or even just for a good time or to blot out the harder edges of the world, none of those reasons for drinking have been addressed.
You are living with a stranger, I doubt he hates you but I'm sure he hates where he's at. Alcoholism is full of regrets. For years he has been drinking and maybe wanted to stop many times, there can be a lot of shame in addiction. Now he sees where he is. Addicted, in pain (emotionally and perhaps physically) and he is miserable. If it were easy I imagine more addicts would be in recovery.
He can probably barely cope with that and coping with anything else (including your relationship) may just be way too much for him right now.
You have been given a chance now to back away a bit and see how this goes. He, if he is serious about recovery (not just sobriety) will need time, it's not going to be pleasant for either of you.
Is this what you want? That's probably not answerable right now, you now have time to really reflect on what you want for your life going forward. Keep in mind if he is truly going to get sober, as an alcoholic, he can never drink again, or he will be right back at it, the addiction never goes away. So, if this is a big part of your social life normally, that will be out of the question.
You don't know him as a sober person but also, he doesn't know himself as a sober person at this point. Whatever reasons he was drinking for, self medicating, coping, or even just for a good time or to blot out the harder edges of the world, none of those reasons for drinking have been addressed.
I understand he's going to maybe be quite and withdrawn whilst he adjusts but i feel like now he's sobre he doesn't want me or love me because he only made the decisions he did with me because he was drunk.
Is it normal to feel like this? I feel like i am living with a stranger who hates me!
Is it normal to feel like this? I feel like i am living with a stranger who hates me!
He can probably barely cope with that and coping with anything else (including your relationship) may just be way too much for him right now.
You have been given a chance now to back away a bit and see how this goes. He, if he is serious about recovery (not just sobriety) will need time, it's not going to be pleasant for either of you.
Is this what you want? That's probably not answerable right now, you now have time to really reflect on what you want for your life going forward. Keep in mind if he is truly going to get sober, as an alcoholic, he can never drink again, or he will be right back at it, the addiction never goes away. So, if this is a big part of your social life normally, that will be out of the question.
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