He grabbed my throat blackout drunk and has no memory of it.
eve....I would like to emphasize how essential it is for you to get some support---help is available--please use it.
The time of leaving a situation such as this--which is truly a life threatening situation---is the most dangerous time---as they sense that they are losing their control over you, they can become rageful
Do not do anything to alert him that you are leaving the relationship. You need help to have a watertight safety plan and help to find a safe place to go to. Reach out to those who are trained to help you through the domestic violence organizations.
He will drink again. He will blackout again. He will do it again---and worse. And, he won't even remember that he injured or killed you.
He is an alcoholic and he has NO ability to assure that he won't do it again.
Your love for him will not protect you. His feelings for you will not stop him.
Yes, "it is good when it is good"---And, when one is dead, they are dead/..forever.....
The time of leaving a situation such as this--which is truly a life threatening situation---is the most dangerous time---as they sense that they are losing their control over you, they can become rageful
Do not do anything to alert him that you are leaving the relationship. You need help to have a watertight safety plan and help to find a safe place to go to. Reach out to those who are trained to help you through the domestic violence organizations.
He will drink again. He will blackout again. He will do it again---and worse. And, he won't even remember that he injured or killed you.
He is an alcoholic and he has NO ability to assure that he won't do it again.
Your love for him will not protect you. His feelings for you will not stop him.
Yes, "it is good when it is good"---And, when one is dead, they are dead/..forever.....
I think it also has to be noted that not every person with a substance abuse problem blacks out or gets drunk and assaults their SO. So there's more going on there than just "oh I was drunk"....I'm a recovering alcoholic and I never assaulted or strangled anyone while I was using.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I know this post is long, but please read it. So many of the points it makes can be applied directly to your messages.
https://www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics
Just from what I can remember of reading your prior posts, he has used:
threatening body language when he yells and gets in your face;
grooming/intermittent reinforcement when he treats you so well while sober;
gaslighting/rewriting the past when insisting that his exes all physically abused him or that you were making up his choking you; ofc he'd never do that;
playing the victim when he brings up his struggles and past abusive experiences...
You get the idea. I'd be willing to bet you could write down an experience just from this past year that fit every single item on that list, some of them probably work for multiples.
Really introspect, and ask yourself what you want to do.
What do you want out of this relationship?
What is your love for him giving you? (I don't mean that to say loving is bad, but to literally try to quantify what about it you like. It's it security and company? Sexual? Companionship? Etc)
Are the good things you get out of this relationships worth the risks?
What are the risks as you see them?
Are any of the risks other people have told you about this past year wrong?
If they are wrong, why? Don't use "just knowing" as a reason, since he just knew he'd never lay a hand on you after all.
Is this relationship worth dying for?
Please keep us posted on here. We all suffer from severe mother hen syndrome, and the clucking can get quite frenetic. All of the advice and suggestions here are coming from a place of support and concern for your safety. You are not weak, or stupid, or worthless by any measure. When you made the decision to stay in January, certain lines had yet to be crossed. You assessed your risks and rewards, and felt the rewards were worth it.
You have new data now. Reassess your risks and rewards, and see what you come up with. Only you can make the choice about what to do next. You can see what we would do. What would you like to do?
https://www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics
Just from what I can remember of reading your prior posts, he has used:
threatening body language when he yells and gets in your face;
grooming/intermittent reinforcement when he treats you so well while sober;
gaslighting/rewriting the past when insisting that his exes all physically abused him or that you were making up his choking you; ofc he'd never do that;
playing the victim when he brings up his struggles and past abusive experiences...
You get the idea. I'd be willing to bet you could write down an experience just from this past year that fit every single item on that list, some of them probably work for multiples.
Really introspect, and ask yourself what you want to do.
What do you want out of this relationship?
What is your love for him giving you? (I don't mean that to say loving is bad, but to literally try to quantify what about it you like. It's it security and company? Sexual? Companionship? Etc)
Are the good things you get out of this relationships worth the risks?
What are the risks as you see them?
Are any of the risks other people have told you about this past year wrong?
If they are wrong, why? Don't use "just knowing" as a reason, since he just knew he'd never lay a hand on you after all.
Is this relationship worth dying for?
Please keep us posted on here. We all suffer from severe mother hen syndrome, and the clucking can get quite frenetic. All of the advice and suggestions here are coming from a place of support and concern for your safety. You are not weak, or stupid, or worthless by any measure. When you made the decision to stay in January, certain lines had yet to be crossed. You assessed your risks and rewards, and felt the rewards were worth it.
You have new data now. Reassess your risks and rewards, and see what you come up with. Only you can make the choice about what to do next. You can see what we would do. What would you like to do?
His ex's have all physically attacked him.
The following post from the "Stickies" section here might be useful to you (AFTER you follow the advice to get yourself to a safe place!). It's about how so many of us who've been involved with A's are so reluctant to leave b/c we think we are special, not like all those other people in the past. When our A tells us we're special and they'd never do X, Y or Z because we are special, we want to believe them, we want to BE SPECIAL. And our intense desire to believe that can cause all kinds of damage, up to and including death, as others have said.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...special-i.html (You think that you are so special I)
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