LovelyKaya33333

Hi everyone. First off... Thank you so much for everyones support this past few weeks. It has been incredible. I still am no contact and I am very proud of myself. This week has been much better than last week as far as emotions feeling a lot more stable. My anxiety has gone down a bit and I am more focused. I made it to bootcamp/personal training 2 times this week and I also did 3 5 mile walks. I was able to focus more on work and I spent more time with friends. Yesterday I went to bootcamp, then had a very physical and long day at work. I got a lot accomplished and then I had a friend over for dinner and wine. It was nice to drink wine and not have it lead down a drunk rabbit hole. Two nights before I went to dinner with another friend of mine. I also indulged this week on a probably too expensive comforter for my bed but I felt it was important so continue to make my space my own. This morning a woke up feeling a bit of sadness... The more days that go on the more the sadness sinks it... I went through some photos. All the memories we have had... ect... but as I was going through my pictures screen shots of text messages I had from a few fights we had a few months ago came up and I quickly was reminded of how dismissive he was with me. There was one fight we had because he wanted me to watch VR porn with him... I didn't even know this existed until him. In the past I had told him that it made me uncomfortable that he watched it. Wasn't regular porn enough for him? I didn't care if he watched regular porn at all... but the VR porn felt really uncomfortable to me... almost too real... his response was "Well it is my body so I am going to do what I want" He continued in front of me while I teared up... Later I was bummed out and his response was that I had a negative attitude ... All it took was me reading that text thread of me attempting to express myself to him and he was so mean and dismissive about sexuality between us as a married couple to completely knock out this "missing him in my head"...

The best part about this week was on several occasions I started to feel myself again... Once it was for almost the whole day. I started to feel my mind/body and soul connected. One day I came home and my neighbor had tears in her eyes. She was coming up the stairs at the same time as me and I ended up talking to her for a few hours and she was open and vulnerable but then also so thankful I took the time to be present with her. She said to me..."I was actually about to come check on you and here you are being there for me"... And I thought to myself...I actually feel good today... I am ok ... not to say I won't have moments. I understand this will come in waves. But I am having peekaboo moments of truly feeling joy....

Also this week my divorce papers came back... apparently I hadn't written in his drivers license number. I looked everywhere and couldn't find it written on anything. So I had my best friend reach out for it. I was proud that I didn't use it as a reason to break No Contact. She asked if I wanted to say anything to him and I just told her to let him know I hope he is doing well. He told her he was homesick several times...but I STILL didn't reach out. Divorce papers will be ready Monday to send to him and I am confident in making this decision. I don't need more time. That is the only ping of sadness I have. But there is no turning back now. I have learned too much. I have come out of the fog too much. I could never go back... not anymore. I don't want to ...for the first time...in all the fights over the 7 years...I just don't want him back.

trailmix

These are all really positive things Kaya, I'm really glad you wrote them out. Someone else struggling to leave might really find inspiration. Three things said here a lot:

- Get some distance
- You won't always feel this way
- It takes some time to clear the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)

What you've written is inspiring. You won't always feel horrible (then again, it's still early days yet so you won't always feel great either!). I think what isn't said enough is that it's a bit of a rollercoaster but it gets better incrementally, as you go along it gets better and better so that dark place won't stick around too horribly long hopefully.

The distance holds so much clarity. We can be far too close to the situation to see how much it's holding us back/hurting us. With some time away from the situation it all becomes much clearer.

While the FOG in many cases can still hang around, that's something we can work on because it is destructive and really doesn't serve a great purpose.

Anyway, hold on to those good days, there will be more and more of them.

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you so much... Today has been a bit harder but I know this will pass too

Cookie314

I focused in on this part because sexuality is something very rarely discussed on this thread. (Which I get, it's very private to most people and not generally on topic.) I'm sorry he was so dismissive of you. The boundaries for what is or isn't crossing the line in a relationship are varied and individual. Some couples might consider porn itself to be cheating, while some couples swing together. The spectrum is vast. Ultimately though the most important part of placing yourselves in that spectrum is mutual honesty and respect, and he wasn't giving that to you. Not everyone is going to be into, or comfortable with the same things, and that's OK. The fact he was so dismissive of your thoughts and concerns is not. Sure, it's his body, but at the very least that could have been a good time for healthy discussions about what is and isn't comfortable for both of you.

Don't let him shame you. Your sexuality is your own, beholden to no one. Dismissing you like that is just an extension of his self-centeredness that he showed in the way he treated you and the way he left.

Cookie314

Sorry, I don't know why it double posted there 😅

LovelyKaya33333

I totally agree with you... It wasn't even a discussion he was willing to have...it was what it was and I just had to accept it pretty much... everything I mean everything was off with how dismissive he was with me

Cookie314

It's definitely a major part of how his ill-treatment of you manifests. From your descriptions he was constantly disregarding your feelings, and really only cared about how things revolved around him.

Besides, it really just shows he was sick in the head, since new aspects of sexuality is basically the most fun discussion two spouses can have. Men I tell you 🙄