Post-Holiday Blues
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Post-Holiday Blues
I've been plugging along with my no contact approach to my AXBF. I've been eating healthier, working out more, taking on bigger projects at work. Doing the best I can do. After all, I'm the only one I can control. I'm the only one who can make myself happy. My life is mine -- I'm responsible for making it the best it can be. I spent the day yesterday -- July 4 -- working on my house and getting ready for a productive work week ahead.
Today, I made the mistake of checking his profile on FaceBook. (Yes, I won't do it again, I promise.) The Fourth of July cook-out and fireworks and family photos with his new girlfriend -- having a blast, partying it up, drink in his hand, Budweiser shirt on her -- just made me ... tear up. He's so handsome. I know this doesn't make sense, but I wish I could be the one having fun. The one at a holiday party, wrapped in his strong arms, smiling for the photos for all the world to see. It's so hard to do what is right for myself in the long run. It is not a fun or happy or external-validation-receiving route. I don't have much to show the world, but I suppose that's the point. It's not about what you see on the outside. I'm trying to make myself feel better on the inside.
Occasionally I do feel better. I don't cry into my pillow anymore at night, for example. I shower and blow out my hair most days, and I'm back to putting on make-up and wearing pretty outfits and doing my best to make myself feel well. But, many times (try this holiday weekend), there is no internal or external reward for doing what I know I have to do. It just results in me trudging along on my (very) slow recovery plan, focusing on myself, and feeling like, well, a lonely nerd compared to everyone else.
Thanks for listening.
Today, I made the mistake of checking his profile on FaceBook. (Yes, I won't do it again, I promise.) The Fourth of July cook-out and fireworks and family photos with his new girlfriend -- having a blast, partying it up, drink in his hand, Budweiser shirt on her -- just made me ... tear up. He's so handsome. I know this doesn't make sense, but I wish I could be the one having fun. The one at a holiday party, wrapped in his strong arms, smiling for the photos for all the world to see. It's so hard to do what is right for myself in the long run. It is not a fun or happy or external-validation-receiving route. I don't have much to show the world, but I suppose that's the point. It's not about what you see on the outside. I'm trying to make myself feel better on the inside.
Occasionally I do feel better. I don't cry into my pillow anymore at night, for example. I shower and blow out my hair most days, and I'm back to putting on make-up and wearing pretty outfits and doing my best to make myself feel well. But, many times (try this holiday weekend), there is no internal or external reward for doing what I know I have to do. It just results in me trudging along on my (very) slow recovery plan, focusing on myself, and feeling like, well, a lonely nerd compared to everyone else.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,077
Hey, Facebook is the most pretentious and phony thing in the world. I haven't had a page on there or been on that site in about nine years and I don't miss it one bit. Whatever problems he had before he probably still has now. Just remember time is the greatest healer.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OKRunner.......Well, of course you would like to be having fun on a major holiday. Isn't that a pretty normal desire?
Helpful hint----in the future, it is important to plan something special or different from your usual routine on important holidays. Something social with normal healthy people is a good idea. Or, something esteem building---like volunteering at a soup kitchen or adding some cheer to a nursing home or volunteering at an animal shelter. Something.
I would suggest that you start planning, right now, for /thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.
The more that you put into your life, the less you will be thinking about what is in his.
We will keep you to your promise to not to check his profile, again.
It took me a while to understand not to ever look at somebody's outsides with my insides.
Congratulation to you for taking the "longer and slower" recovery route. It is the only route to serving your own self esteem. That, right there, shows that you have the makings for good insight, and basic intelligence.
The girlfriend was wearing a Budweiser shirt----OMG---how symbolic!! You can't make this stuff up.
Helpful hint----in the future, it is important to plan something special or different from your usual routine on important holidays. Something social with normal healthy people is a good idea. Or, something esteem building---like volunteering at a soup kitchen or adding some cheer to a nursing home or volunteering at an animal shelter. Something.
I would suggest that you start planning, right now, for /thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.
The more that you put into your life, the less you will be thinking about what is in his.
We will keep you to your promise to not to check his profile, again.
It took me a while to understand not to ever look at somebody's outsides with my insides.
Congratulation to you for taking the "longer and slower" recovery route. It is the only route to serving your own self esteem. That, right there, shows that you have the makings for good insight, and basic intelligence.
The girlfriend was wearing a Budweiser shirt----OMG---how symbolic!! You can't make this stuff up.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OKRunner......on this occasion for you---I am reminded of an old song---by Ben E. King. He was far before your time. It is about trying to avoid painful memories of a failed relationship. You will probably understand it....
Don't Play That Song (You Lied) - Bing video
Don't Play That Song (You Lied) - Bing video
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Maybe you need to go out and have some fun!
You know though, I think you are very brave really working on yourself. But there really isn't any reason you can't go out with friends or make new ones even. I don't know if they have Meetup where you live but it's a bunch of groups that you can join in with to do everything from hiking to vacations to going out to see bands, just tons of stuff and the people are generally nice and you can always find a few people in a group, generally, that you can get along with. They are mostly joining alone too, so they want to meet new people.
You know though, I think you are very brave really working on yourself. But there really isn't any reason you can't go out with friends or make new ones even. I don't know if they have Meetup where you live but it's a bunch of groups that you can join in with to do everything from hiking to vacations to going out to see bands, just tons of stuff and the people are generally nice and you can always find a few people in a group, generally, that you can get along with. They are mostly joining alone too, so they want to meet new people.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Thanks, all. I moved to a new state where I did not know anyone one year ago, during the heart of the COVID lockdown. I'm normally pretty social and growing up had lots of friends, played sports in college, etc., but when you move to a new state during a pandemic and your new job was online for the first year and travel was limited -- basically I haven't made many friends here other than my lovely (but elderly) neighbors. This year will be different as my job will go back completely in person in August. I run by myself but certainly can and should find an in-person running group. I will start making plans for the fall/winter holidays now.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Ok Runner
I think your being way too hard on yourself or possibly putting too much pressure on yourself.
First, the whole world is dealing with isolation fallout due to COVID. Over the past few months, things are dramatically improving here in the US. Having said that, other countries are still having a very difficult time. They are still in lock down mode. The whole world has been dealing with thoughts of isolation during this pandemic.
Going back to in person work in August will probably be very good for you. I was fortunate, my in office work never stopped during the pandemic. Although it was pretty scary driving into a deserted major metropolitan city.
Next, I think since Oct 2020 you made lots of new caring friends here on SR. I read the interaction in your threads. Seems like a lot of people care about you. You have a lot of good qualities going for you.
Dont look online. We have all been stung by that one. Whatever you find online it wont be good. You found "the party" well that wasnt good. What if you found he had fallen off his bike & landed in a ditch & spent July 4 holiday weekend in the hospital. You will still be all messed up feeling sorry for him & thinking you should be helping him.
You might not believe me if I told you what I could find about her online. Its something I have to stay away from. Even today, If I look online about her regardless of what I find it will not be good for me.
Our addicts love to party. Mine does to no end. I assure you she was partying heavily on July 4 weekend. OK Runner normal parties are fun. Parties with addicts are not fun. There is way more to life than parties with addicts. Id rather stay home alone & watch a movie on tv.
Holidays & birthdays are difficult. The first year or so they were extremely hard for me to get through. Even now im still bothered but to a much lesser extent. I think its important to understand our limitations and prepare accordingly.
You are not with this guy for specific reasons. You know what those reasons are. From all that you have written, regardless of how strong & good looking he is, there is no party & happy life ever after with him. It is what it is & you know that reality. Same goes for me & my reality.
Doing the best you can do at any point in time is ok. Dont load yourself up with any pressure. This is going to take time for you to heal. How much time doesnt really matter. It honestly all does get better with time.
I think your being way too hard on yourself or possibly putting too much pressure on yourself.
First, the whole world is dealing with isolation fallout due to COVID. Over the past few months, things are dramatically improving here in the US. Having said that, other countries are still having a very difficult time. They are still in lock down mode. The whole world has been dealing with thoughts of isolation during this pandemic.
Going back to in person work in August will probably be very good for you. I was fortunate, my in office work never stopped during the pandemic. Although it was pretty scary driving into a deserted major metropolitan city.
Next, I think since Oct 2020 you made lots of new caring friends here on SR. I read the interaction in your threads. Seems like a lot of people care about you. You have a lot of good qualities going for you.
Dont look online. We have all been stung by that one. Whatever you find online it wont be good. You found "the party" well that wasnt good. What if you found he had fallen off his bike & landed in a ditch & spent July 4 holiday weekend in the hospital. You will still be all messed up feeling sorry for him & thinking you should be helping him.
You might not believe me if I told you what I could find about her online. Its something I have to stay away from. Even today, If I look online about her regardless of what I find it will not be good for me.
Our addicts love to party. Mine does to no end. I assure you she was partying heavily on July 4 weekend. OK Runner normal parties are fun. Parties with addicts are not fun. There is way more to life than parties with addicts. Id rather stay home alone & watch a movie on tv.
Holidays & birthdays are difficult. The first year or so they were extremely hard for me to get through. Even now im still bothered but to a much lesser extent. I think its important to understand our limitations and prepare accordingly.
You are not with this guy for specific reasons. You know what those reasons are. From all that you have written, regardless of how strong & good looking he is, there is no party & happy life ever after with him. It is what it is & you know that reality. Same goes for me & my reality.
Doing the best you can do at any point in time is ok. Dont load yourself up with any pressure. This is going to take time for you to heal. How much time doesnt really matter. It honestly all does get better with time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Heya OKrunner. It took me one he!! of a long time to heal from my ExABF. I had to do it a bit the way alcoholics get sober: day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Like an alcoholic will just try to put a sober head on their pillow every night, I would get to the end of the day and think, "I didn't call him nor shoot myself. Well done me!!". It was really bad for a really long time.
I will too look him up online - not good. Mine actually got sober and has gone on to live a decent life. Of course this didn't change any of the cr@p on my side of the street; it was and still is there just like when I met him.
You will certainly have some better days, some worse days and some horrific days for some time to come. The move and the pandemic sure doesn't make the situation any better.
Please keep doing what you are doing and posting here. We can't really change the pain and suffering but we can offer a type of electronic support.
I will too look him up online - not good. Mine actually got sober and has gone on to live a decent life. Of course this didn't change any of the cr@p on my side of the street; it was and still is there just like when I met him.
You will certainly have some better days, some worse days and some horrific days for some time to come. The move and the pandemic sure doesn't make the situation any better.
Please keep doing what you are doing and posting here. We can't really change the pain and suffering but we can offer a type of electronic support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Runner, you'd be amazed at how much fun being in denial is. It's great! Your problems don't exist, your pain is ignored (or "managed"), your future doesn't exist yet, so why worry about it? Of course YOU know none of that is true. That's why it hurts you so much, you're not in denial. Denial lets you create the facade that everything is great, and ignorance lets people on the outside believe the facade. To top that off, nothing is better at hand-crafting a facade than Facebook. So take the happiness you perceive him experiencing with a grain of salt. He may be having a good time there, but refusing to face and work on the issues below the surface is only delaying the moment they return.
Just like you said, the path you're working on right now is more difficult, but you'll be better for it in the long term. In another positive note, with vaccinations, covid restrictions will lift, and you'll have more access to outside support. You will move past this, and be the stronger for it.
Just like you said, the path you're working on right now is more difficult, but you'll be better for it in the long term. In another positive note, with vaccinations, covid restrictions will lift, and you'll have more access to outside support. You will move past this, and be the stronger for it.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by OKRunner 
Thanks, all. I moved to a new state where I did not know anyone one year ago, during the heart of the COVID lockdown. I'm normally pretty social and growing up had lots of friends, played sports in college, etc., but when you move to a new state during a pandemic and your new job was online for the first year and travel was limited -- basically I haven't made many friends here other than my lovely (but elderly) neighbors. This year will be different as my job will go back completely in person in August. I run by myself but certainly can and should find an in-person running group. I will start making plans for the fall/winter holidays now.
it is the best
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Thank you all. I am so grateful for this online community. It means the world to me.
Kaya, running is the one thing that makes me feel free. It is that one hour I have all to myself, when I just think about my feet pounding the road and nothing else. Not work, not deadlines, not my clients, not my students, not my social life. I love it and I'm so glad you have this release, too. Thank you so much for your support. I've been following your story and you are so strong. You've done so much for yourself in so little time. I am so impressed by you.
Cookie, thank you for reminding me about the facade of Facebook, enabled by denial. I do appreciate that. I'm pretty honest on social media. I post photos of myself un-showered on hour 678 of painting my house but then I also share work accomplishments, etc. That's my life. Both dirty and messy but also sometimes successful. His life is one big perfect happy party. Or maybe not? Thank you for reminding me. I do remember the day when it had been a long enough time since we'd talked -- maybe a month -- that I knew he was gone forever. I knew that our relationship could never be. That day I faced it head on. I cried and cried and cried for hours. I was no longer in denial. It hurt so bad - that coming out of denial. But I do feel now that I've looked this situation square in the eye, realized I lost this battle, grieved (and continue to grieve) the loss, and hopefully am moving forward.
BeKindAlways, thank you so much for saying that. Your posts always make me feel so much better because I can relate to them so much. You put in words what I feel. I actually smiled -- giggled out loud -- when you said that on days when you didn't call him and didn't shoot yourself, you counted it as a total win. I haven't called him since December 24, 2020 -- more than half a year -- and I go to bed each night determined to wake up healthier than the day before. Thank you for making me see my win.
HardLessons, all I can say is thank you for seeing the pandemic-related isolation. I know the pandemic has been hard for individuals with substance use disorders but I also think it's hard on those of us left to pick up the pieces, too. Normally I do surround myself with family and friends, but being brand new in a new state -- I'm now smack dab in the middle of the U.S. after living for a decade on the West Coast with almost all of my family on the East Coast -- anyone would struggle in this situation. You also said, "regardless of how strong & good looking he is, there is no party & happy life ever after with him. It is what it is & you know that reality. Same goes for me & my reality." You are right. I knew that. That's why I couldn't take it anymore. I know that now, too. I sometimes forget the reality and am grateful for your reminder. My heart breaks that you had to discover that reality in your life, too. Reading about the road you have traveled since 2017 gives me both strength and hope. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. Much strength to you as you carry on.
Kaya, running is the one thing that makes me feel free. It is that one hour I have all to myself, when I just think about my feet pounding the road and nothing else. Not work, not deadlines, not my clients, not my students, not my social life. I love it and I'm so glad you have this release, too. Thank you so much for your support. I've been following your story and you are so strong. You've done so much for yourself in so little time. I am so impressed by you.
Cookie, thank you for reminding me about the facade of Facebook, enabled by denial. I do appreciate that. I'm pretty honest on social media. I post photos of myself un-showered on hour 678 of painting my house but then I also share work accomplishments, etc. That's my life. Both dirty and messy but also sometimes successful. His life is one big perfect happy party. Or maybe not? Thank you for reminding me. I do remember the day when it had been a long enough time since we'd talked -- maybe a month -- that I knew he was gone forever. I knew that our relationship could never be. That day I faced it head on. I cried and cried and cried for hours. I was no longer in denial. It hurt so bad - that coming out of denial. But I do feel now that I've looked this situation square in the eye, realized I lost this battle, grieved (and continue to grieve) the loss, and hopefully am moving forward.
BeKindAlways, thank you so much for saying that. Your posts always make me feel so much better because I can relate to them so much. You put in words what I feel. I actually smiled -- giggled out loud -- when you said that on days when you didn't call him and didn't shoot yourself, you counted it as a total win. I haven't called him since December 24, 2020 -- more than half a year -- and I go to bed each night determined to wake up healthier than the day before. Thank you for making me see my win.
HardLessons, all I can say is thank you for seeing the pandemic-related isolation. I know the pandemic has been hard for individuals with substance use disorders but I also think it's hard on those of us left to pick up the pieces, too. Normally I do surround myself with family and friends, but being brand new in a new state -- I'm now smack dab in the middle of the U.S. after living for a decade on the West Coast with almost all of my family on the East Coast -- anyone would struggle in this situation. You also said, "regardless of how strong & good looking he is, there is no party & happy life ever after with him. It is what it is & you know that reality. Same goes for me & my reality." You are right. I knew that. That's why I couldn't take it anymore. I know that now, too. I sometimes forget the reality and am grateful for your reminder. My heart breaks that you had to discover that reality in your life, too. Reading about the road you have traveled since 2017 gives me both strength and hope. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. Much strength to you as you carry on.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
OKR, I’m so sorry all of this happened at once. That’s a huge amount of change for anyone, then to have this relationship mess. Yikes, hon. I’m so sorry.
As for him showing up with his new squeeze wearing a Budweiser shirt… I have no words for the tackiness. She’s really just a giant can of beer to him anyway, I guess.
Remember that anyone can look good for a single photo especially when you can choose among seventeen bad shots, apply the Filters of Glowing Health and Eternal Youth, and THEN post the best of the bunch. Especially when the photo shoot is scheduled before he got ****faced.
You’re going to be okay and you’re doing so well. Kudos to you, my friend. He was just a wrong-way detour.
As for him showing up with his new squeeze wearing a Budweiser shirt… I have no words for the tackiness. She’s really just a giant can of beer to him anyway, I guess.
Remember that anyone can look good for a single photo especially when you can choose among seventeen bad shots, apply the Filters of Glowing Health and Eternal Youth, and THEN post the best of the bunch. Especially when the photo shoot is scheduled before he got ****faced.
You’re going to be okay and you’re doing so well. Kudos to you, my friend. He was just a wrong-way detour.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Originally Posted by OKRunner
I'm now smack dab in the middle of the U.S. after living for a decade on the West Coast with almost all of my family on the East Coast -- anyone would struggle in this situation.
That's why I mentioned Meetup, because I used that group when I was coming out of an incredibly isolating situation. I didn't want to walk in to a room full of strangers having no idea what to expect or how they would be. But I did. The other great thing about Meetup is that you show or you don't. If there is something on this Saturday, no pressure to go, but maybe next Saturday works for you, so you show up then. I made some friends, I haven't been out with any groups for a couple of years now but I could show up this week for one of the things and I know some of them would still be there and I know they would be happy to see me (and me them).
I think I'm about 90 percent introvert, but that 10 percent likes to be in a group sometimes!
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