SusanWerewolf

Hello,

time to rant, I suppose. I met my XAB 1,5 years ago. He was 18 years older, had no job, nowhere to live, some debts... But of course I fell for him head over heels. I shall also mention that I am 30 years old bulimic and had been at a stable relationship with a mildly abusive gay guy at the time (I gosh, I sound really f***ed up, don't I), no self-confidence to talk of...

And here comes my prince Charming, twice divorced, with two teenage daughters and one crazy exwife, a former gang member, twice in prison, former crack addict, currently three months sober from alcohol...

So I break up with gay guy XAB relapses and spends 6 weeks in rehab, moves in with me, stays sober for 9 beautiful days, gets drunk, I throw him out with police asistance, support him through 3 months in rehab, he's supposed to go into a sober house, but shortly before that gets drunk, beats some poor as...le in the rehab and runs, spends some time at a friends' working on rooftops, promises me finding a stable job and some other heavenly things, moves to another city (with my support, of course), gets drunk repeatedly, I spend endless days and nights dealing with hangovers, withdrawals, full-fledged delirium, he refuses going into hospital...

In a bout of sobriety he introduces me to his daughters, we fall in love and start building a very nice relationship... But he ruins everything by further drinking. We decide to move together (smart move, I know), he destroys my flat, car and slaps me 3 times, I pay a huge amount of money for a private rehab, he's telling me I saved his life, that he finally got into the right place, that he finally sees sobriety is the only way and he wants to live so much... Three days after discharge he's drunk again.

I am so desperate I start bingeing and purging again (I was kinda stable before this episode) and am unable to let him go, till his 13year old daughter, who I came to love as my own and will probably never see again tells me that she will never blame me, if I throw him out. It broke me, what she said. I mean, she's obviously smarter than me and helped me tremendously, but still... It broke my heart. Poor dear.

Well, I packed his things and threw him out a week ago. I blocked his number and try to get my s**t together, but I'm gutted, depressed, keep bingeing, can't concentrate, keep thinking about him, the dreamy future I lost, his girls...

I am 30, had 2 relationships in my life, one with the gay guy and one with an alcoholic. I feel used, unlovable, good for nothing. I have a great job, good friends, but I sadly neglected everything for XAB and now it just feels like nothing matters anymore without him. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I ended it, but I just feel like there is nothing to live for right now. And yes, I read Codependent no more. I know I haven't helped him one bit. And I feel ashamed, because this not helping cost me some 20000$.

I haven't heard from him since Monday, don't know of he's alive... But I won't contact him. Not because I don't love him anymore, it's unbelievable and kinda sick, but I still do, but because I just can't help him in any way. I can't be sober for him. Right now, I can't even be sober for myself.

Thanks for reading.

Susan

Eauchiche

Dear Susan
There are three good things you mentioned:
I have a great job, good friends... But I won't contact him.
Let's start there and build on that foundation. Those three things must become the most important things in your life right now, and you must do anything to avoid losing them.

You must take care of YOU.

Guys like your latest ex are sometimes described as "hobosexuals." They appeal to the attraction some people have to the "bad boy." Then, they use that to benefit themselves. The people they use are always ruined if they stay in relationships like that.

Susan, you have a great foundation and great support here among us. RUN, don't walk away from those two guys and take care of YOU.

trailmix

Hi Susan, so sorry you find yourself in this terrible situation.

First things first, you not helping him "one bit". I hope you will be able to put that aside. He is not worth your time, not even a little bit. The only person that deserves your help right now is you.

You have paid for his rehab, what about you? Do you have a therapist, any kind of outside support? You are in pain and where is your help? I really hope you will find a therapist you can work with, to make you feel better, to help to ensure you never get in to any kind of destructive relationships like these two again.

These have, no doubt, destroyed your self worth and self esteem. It will take time but you can have those things back.

Breaking up with this guy, I know this is hard, you probably cared about him even though he is not worthy of your time. Addictions are all about the addict, there never was any way for you to help him - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Focusing on yourself now is your best move. Eat well, treat yourself to something nice, do things you normally enjoy (even if you don't feel like it), spend time with family members you like, binge watch a tv show, keep your mind busy to give it a rest.

You will get through this and no-contact with him will take care of that, but it will hurt for a while. Taking care of yourself will make that easier.

velma929

I never had the guts to leave my AH. He died instead.
Having made that mistake once, though, I was determined not to do it again. When I started dating again (at the rather advanced age of 54) I made a vow to my self - no addicts, no cigarette smokers. It does narrow the field a bit, as does the fact that many of my peers, age-wise, wouldn't date anyone past her mid forties.

You have way more going for you than I did. It's a hard lesson to learn, and some don't ever, but: Being alone is better than being a partner to someone who isn't worthy of you.

Hopeworks

Hope you are taking care of you! Have you read the stickies? Readers Digest education on loving what appears to be a solid chronic relapser!

always remember red flags are not party favors so do not collect them!

And that blazing inferno of “love” are simply brain chemicals and hormones” that do not use logic nor common sense!

this is why back in the day arranged marriages were the norm...

just joking...

loving an alcoholic is painful... letting them go is hard but it’s like a plane going down... get your oxygen mask for you and then see what’s next.

deep breaths of oxygen. Read, read, read. Therapy. Alanon. Exercise. Massages. Friends. A vacation. More therapy. Groups. More reading.

Take care of you!

Hopeworks

Hope you are taking care of you! Have you read the stickies? Readers Digest education on loving what appears to be a solid chronic relapser!

always remember red flags are not party favors so do not collect them!

And that blazing inferno of “love” are simply brain chemicals and hormones” that do not use logic nor common sense!

this is why back in the day arranged marriages were the norm...

just joking...

loving an alcoholic is painful... letting them go is hard but it’s like a plane going down... get your oxygen mask for you and then see what’s next.

deep breaths of oxygen. Read, read, read. Therapy. Alanon. Exercise. Massages. Friends. A vacation. More therapy. Groups. More reading.

Take care of you!

SusanWerewolf

Thank you all so much, your kind words and advice mean a lot to me! I feel a little better, managed to eat normally yesterday, but still spent most of the day in bed, not able to do much about anything. I also had a "visit" from my XAB, he came to show me a document from the police that all of his things had been stolen and wanted some food and money. He got the shakes already so I caved in and gave something to him; he was probably trying to manipulate me, telling me how he's going to end up sweeping the streets, but I felt so void of emotion I only told him it's his choice and that I don't want to see him again. Need to be stronger, because he will keep coming back for money...

As for me, I'm going out with a friend today. I have a therapist for my ED but am thinking about getting another one for my "alcoholic disorder". I'd love to go to Al-anon, but I live in Prague, where we only have one group, and it's still skype only due to Covid precautions. Next week is work and exercise for me and the week after that some vacation - I'm going to a spa alone, so I hope I will be able to escape from this situation at least physically.

Yeah, I'm going to read a lot. And keep my distance. He's just going to keep relapsing forever, I think. Don't want to be present for that. Thank you again and take care!

Susan

Eauchiche

Glad you are feeling better, Susan. So glad you have a plan over the next few weeks.

I know it is difficult when your friend comes around to separate real needs from attempts to pull you back in.
I am on good terms with my ex, but we have limited contact. I have learned that there are some things I can do to help, such as help clean the garage out. I am very firm in my convictions, though, that I don't go to visit after "happy hour" starts, and I can never live there.

We don't hate our alcoholics, but we learn to love them from a distance.

SusanWerewolf

Well, he's here now, sleeping on my couch. He came yesterday evening, told me he was sleeping on the street (he definitely looked and smelled like it) and that he just needed a shower, because he has a meeting with a social counsellor tomorrow. I let him stay for the night. This night only. And I feel... detached. Like he's not the person I've been crazy about for the last 1,5 years.

I am... kinda happy about that numbness, because what he told me would surely gut me otherwise; but yesterday he finally confessed that he never really wanted to stop drinking. He said that "normal life" is just dead boring, that "normal him" is just dead boring, that all those sober people are living sad, empty lives...

OK, great wake up call for me, but what is that guy thinking??? He's talking about harm reduction, but he already tried that so many times and it always ended in some drunken stupor. Alcohol took everything from him, his kids, his family, his house, his job, me... And he still chooses it over everything else? Because that's what he's doing, choosing alcohol over us all! When confronted with this, he just tells me that he financially secured his daugters and that he still loves me like crazy, but that he knows that even I like him better after he's done some shots (what???) He's delusional, he's sleeping on a bench and still romanticizing alcohol??? Is the the onset of dementia or is he really that stupid?

Well, good for me I guess, cause even after all those sweet words I suddenly have no problem letting him go. And I told him so. For me, sobriety is the deal breaker. "You can only be with me if you're sober," I told him. Guess that's it, cause he never plans on staying sober. All right, I am. Sobriety is now my primary life goal. And he surely won't convince me otherwise. I agreed to being friends. And I feel kinda satisfied, which is weird, cause I know he will continue to kill himself. But it's his decision - and I've got mine. Time to part our ways.

Thank you!

Susan

trailmix

I'm glad he finally owned up to that. He doesn't want to quit drinking and he has burned all the bridges he was walking on pretending to want to get sober (or even believing it for a few minutes or a few hours).

If he's talking about harm reduction now, he's just trying to make you feel better, not be upset with him I would imagine.

Neither really, it's just addiction.

dandylion

Susan....I think that you are doing the only thing that you can do---which is definitely not hitching your wagon to his star. It is good to hear that you no longer feel the romantic pull. That will make it sooo much easier for you.
For what it is worth---it doesn't sound to me that he is demented, and I doubt that he is stupid---though it does sound, to me that he is an alcoholic that has spiraled quite far along in his alcoholism. I strongly suspect that he probably has a "dual diagnosis" (sometimes called a "co-occurring disorder" You can google that...lol.
His description of sobriety sounds like the way depressed people feel. He might have been self medicating for years an years. In addition, alcohol. in itself is a depressant.
He may never have even been sober long enough to even begin to feel better.
It is possible that he may become desperate enough that he may try to get into a program and stop drinking...but, he sure would need treatment. This does happen for a few...when they are really, really miserable and desperate.
Of course, you can't wait to see---as.. thankfully. you are able to recognize.

I would advise that you be careful about wanting to "still be friends". That usually doesn't work out very well---and, you would always be his default option, when he needs help to keep body and soul together. Suck you into enabling him.
It is my suggestion that the best friends that he would ever find would be in AA.

SusanWerewolf

AA is where I keep sending him. But to him, sober people are living desperate lives, fighting every day tooth and nail to stay sober, dependent on their sober calculators... Well, right now, the only thing I am living and fighting for at the moment (or the most important one) is my sobriety and it sucks for sure, but I know one thing that sucks even more - not being sober! And I also hope it gets better with time.

He always blooms when he's in a treatment programme. Feels good, has grand plans, is determined to change his life. But when he comes out it's like he couldn't face reality. But that's basically what all the addictions are about, isn't it?

I'm aware of the risk of us staying friends. I would like to keep our contact to a minimum. Just yesterday I found him a contact for a local AA group which meets every day. I hope he can put his life together mainly for the sake of his daughters, but he has to do it himself. And I doubt he can manage without the support of a group. Thank you for your insight!

Susan