Eauchiche

Dear Greensoul
yes, many of us have been through this.
my 14 year relationship ended just over 7 years ago.
was it difficult? You bet!!!
Did it hurt? yes, like hell. For a very long time.

We are on friendly terms today.

You will get through this too.

Greensoul3982

Eauchiche, did your ex ever get clean and try to reconcile after recovery. How did you end up on good terms and how long did it take. Did you find love again and was it scary as hell?!?

Eauchiche

My ex is in very advanced stages of alcoholism.
I tried to be fair during the divorce proceedings with the distribution of property. There were no hard feelings over that.
I met someone recently but she wasn't interested in dating.
While I am open to the idea, I have chosen to be content as a single man.

I guess the main message I would like to give you is, we only have control over our own actions. We are responsible for our own recovery and lives.

Cookie314

********. He is giving you absolute ******** right there. Unless you sat there administering drugs to him in his sleep, you didn't get him high. He did that. He was apparently sober for years, and made the decision to use of his own volition. If he was so unhappy, then he should have communicated with you, or left the relationship.

My marriage is on the rocks right now, I'm in the process of finding a place to move out to while we take a "temporary break" to figure stuff out, until I can finalize things safely and properly. I spent years in denial about my AH's addiction, and tore myself apart trying to get him help. Years of pain, enabling and the chaos addiction brings, just for him to tell me he doesn't think I love him, and acuse me of "using the state against him" when I call the cops while he's unresponsive.

My therapist has a plaque on the wall that says "any excuse will do", which I'm considering getting tattooed on my forehead. That way when AH makes me want to smack my head against the wall, it'll really drive the point home. He will say anything to deflect the blame for his actions onto you.

I know it hurts, because it feels like it's true, but it isn't. Addicts wield your love and empathy for them against you like a weapon. If he really has left you, then you need to put a guard around your heart. Time will make you forget the pain and fear he has caused, and you'll trick yourself into only thinking about the things that were good. Block him completely, on every format you can. Get him out of your life, your heart, and your thoughts, and focus on yourself. I know it's hard because I'm on square one of this process right now. I feel crazy. I know how hurt I've been by my AH, yet I feel myself drawn in by his aplogies and love. Just remember that switch into anger and hurt is always waiting to be flipped.

Him leaving is a blessing in disguise. Use this time to enjoy your freedom and grow. You can do it.

honeypig

Greensoul, when you say things about your partner being "the one" and thinking "no one else will ever love me the way he loves me", I hear echoes of my own feelings when I first came here. I felt as if I was looking over the edge of a cliff, and with each new revelation about the lies and how long they'd been going on, I felt as if the cliff was crumbling back under me, a little at a time.

I thought that for SURE he'd get sober. He was a great guy and had been in AA for some time before I knew him. Our life was so good, surely he'd see that and get back on the righteous road. How could he not? What he did in reality was to fake going to meetings and step up the hiding and lying. And I eventually found SR and Alanon and started working on my own recovery.

By the time we finally divorced, I'd been with him for 21 years, married for 19. The divorce was amicable, and in fact I was able to do a pro se divorce b/c we had no kids and no debt and were clear on what belonged to who. Like Eauchiche, I am happy living as a single person. I've finally found someone who will love me and who I can absolutely count on--myself. That was a real revelation to me.

Now, 6 years post divorce, we are on friendly terms. He has retired and comes over at suppertime when I am at work to feed and let out my dogs. He is still drinking. His hands shake all the time and he is somewhat unsteady. He is not physically very strong any more. He has fallen in his bathtub and broken ribs. On occasions where I've made a meal for us, he has often been unable to eat.

I am very clear in my heart with where the boundaries are for when--not IF, but WHEN--things deteriorate to the point where he can't live alone anymore. He is making his choices, every day that he chooses not to get help, and I am making my own choices, every day that I live my own life.