How to deal with lies
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by trailmix 
I think what honeypig said is so true and well said.
I was truly wondering why you confront him though. In a "normal" relationship, say your Husband got too drunk at a family function, you might well be angry the next day and he would probably apologize and not do it again.
That's not going to happen here. You get angry and frustrated and that's completely understandable, who wouldn't? I asked because what is the point, it hurts you. You get angry, you tell him off, you feel bad, he probably goes and has a drink (all the while resenting you).
Alcohol is not just "fun" for him, it is his friend, his soother, the thing that he uses to cope.
So ignore it? Well I wouldn't be around him when he is drunk and unruly and I couldn't be bothered to tell him off. Acceptance is key. You can continue to resent him or you can just accept that he is an alcoholic and he will drink and he will drink too much. Now whether you choose to live there with him while he pursues this, that's a question only you can answer.
Do you want to live with a person that drinks too much? Can you accept and detach from his drinking?
I was truly wondering why you confront him though. In a "normal" relationship, say your Husband got too drunk at a family function, you might well be angry the next day and he would probably apologize and not do it again.
That's not going to happen here. You get angry and frustrated and that's completely understandable, who wouldn't? I asked because what is the point, it hurts you. You get angry, you tell him off, you feel bad, he probably goes and has a drink (all the while resenting you).
Alcohol is not just "fun" for him, it is his friend, his soother, the thing that he uses to cope.
So ignore it? Well I wouldn't be around him when he is drunk and unruly and I couldn't be bothered to tell him off. Acceptance is key. You can continue to resent him or you can just accept that he is an alcoholic and he will drink and he will drink too much. Now whether you choose to live there with him while he pursues this, that's a question only you can answer.
Do you want to live with a person that drinks too much? Can you accept and detach from his drinking?
In my other side I think already accept the condition and the other side I don’t like him to drink no matter just a bottle or over too much to numb the brain and his emotion.
I just still unsure for the future what’ll gonna be happen to this, either i finally give up & move on or I’ll accept this situation dealing with the same ways until he dies ( if he dies first anyway ).
Because so far as my concern, right now I still can handle this crappy situation because it’s not every single days / nights as it 10 years ago. And the drinking over too much was recently happened for once. The lies every couple weeks of course but I can ignores him, hiding in my bubble with my dogs and my tv etc.
I don’t know about what can I says about myself to make decision. But I am so thankful that I found this forum and I don’t feel alone anymore.
Thanks so much all of you.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I hear you, with my late AH I got to where I could see that ME approaching him expecting an honest answer was wrong thinking in ME!
It's was like me touching a hot stove, then being surprised when I got burnt! Eventually you stop doing it.
I am glad you are here and are processing your thoughts.
It's was like me touching a hot stove, then being surprised when I got burnt! Eventually you stop doing it.
I am glad you are here and are processing your thoughts.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
So true, you can continue on or you can stop, whatever you choose.
Alcoholism tends to be progressive, ie: the drinking now will be different a month from now a year from now, alcoholics cannot moderate their drinking. A few drinks is very rarely enough.
Your expectations of him:
I think you are realizing this isn't true or realistic. It's good to have hope, however it's also important to be realistic. He doesn't because he can't or he won't, but it doesn't matter really either way, he's not.
Having this "hope" or expectation of him, really hurts you. You keep hoping and being disappointed. Angry and sad. I'm sure that's not the way you want to live your life, or who you really are?
Looking after yourself, doing things you enjoy, focusing on yourself is key and can be hard to do at first but will get easier over time as you realize that focusing on yourself is good for you and your wellbeing.
Alcoholism tends to be progressive, ie: the drinking now will be different a month from now a year from now, alcoholics cannot moderate their drinking. A few drinks is very rarely enough.
Your expectations of him:
My naive side still thinking why other sober people out there can do it for years and why he doesn’t?
Having this "hope" or expectation of him, really hurts you. You keep hoping and being disappointed. Angry and sad. I'm sure that's not the way you want to live your life, or who you really are?
Looking after yourself, doing things you enjoy, focusing on yourself is key and can be hard to do at first but will get easier over time as you realize that focusing on yourself is good for you and your wellbeing.
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