Learning to internalize detachment
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 12
Learning to internalize detachment
It's been awhile since I've posted. Mostly a good few years. Still with AH. This week got the call that many of you have received- from the cops, DUI, crashed our car into two other people at 10:30 AM, after attending a work meeting not from home for the first time in weeks. No major injuries thank God, just lots and lots of money,stress and inconvenience. What I'm here to talk about today is MY reaction to it. This is his second, and unlike last time, I haven't suffered alone. I communicated with a couple who are good friends (so they could pick me up and get me home so he could be remanded into my custody and not thrown in jail), his brother and my sister-in- law (so he could be watched for alcohol poisoning while I went to get the car out of the tow yard), and my mom, who is my heart and my anger, and can say all the things that I feel but from 3,000 miles away so I can keep functioning. I'm not being secretive and keeping the burden all to myself. I'm not shouting it from the rooftops or blasting it on Facebook, it's still need to know, but I don't feel alone. And you know what, things are still going to be hard, our finances are going to be in shambles, and our marriage may or may not make it, but I can send a quick text to my friend if I'm feeling down, have his brother by my side when I lay out some boundaries, or call my mom and just cry. And then, I can get on with living. I love him tremendously and always will, but we may not stay together. I've read so much about loving detachment, and natural consequences, and taking care of myself here and on other sites and through some Al-Anon meetings, but it hadn't set in yet. Eventually though, you'll run out of tears, and that's when things can start getting better. At work yesterday I unexpectedly realized I wasn't worrying about him. Truly I wasn't. Even though it was his drinking time and I'm pretty sure (though he'd deny it) that he is still drinking, and he hadn't texted in awhile, I wasn't thinking about him in the back of my head constantly. It was such a relief. I thought, "Wow, he may be completely drunk, he may not, and either way, I'll go home and see what's there and continue with the evening I was planning whether he participates or not (eating leftovers and a movie, but in COVID times that's something HA). Anyway, I couldn't sleep and thought why not post something; it would empower me. And maybe, it will empower you. Loving detachment has to come at your own pace. It will be painful, but keep working on yourself, COMMUNICATE with your loved ones, and you'll get there.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Well, what a horrible situation he put you all in. I'm glad no one was physically hurt.
Yes detachment. We talk about it and it is hard to do. Really though, it's just a faster paced way of doing something that will come naturally, eventually. I think that is where you are at. It's all about looking, really looking at the situation now, rather than waiting for those realizations to come.
Eventually, when hurt enough, when neglected enough, when disregarded enough, we naturally start to distance emotionally from someone, doesn't matter who that is. When it's talked about detaching beforehand, it's really just a way to save yourself a lot of hurt. It requires thinking differently about your situation, you are not the fixer, you are not responsible (generally) for this grown adult and what they will or won't do.
After the accident a team of people had to rally around to fix everything he had done, with military precision! I understand why you did all that for him, however going forward, now you are in this different frame of mind about it all, you might want to let him have his own consequences and to leave him to take care of whatever he has to take care of.
This isn't about "teaching him a lesson" although he should be grown up enough to take care of his own stuff, it's about letting yourself off the hook for taking care of that which he should be able to manage on his own.
Yes detachment. We talk about it and it is hard to do. Really though, it's just a faster paced way of doing something that will come naturally, eventually. I think that is where you are at. It's all about looking, really looking at the situation now, rather than waiting for those realizations to come.
Eventually, when hurt enough, when neglected enough, when disregarded enough, we naturally start to distance emotionally from someone, doesn't matter who that is. When it's talked about detaching beforehand, it's really just a way to save yourself a lot of hurt. It requires thinking differently about your situation, you are not the fixer, you are not responsible (generally) for this grown adult and what they will or won't do.
After the accident a team of people had to rally around to fix everything he had done, with military precision! I understand why you did all that for him, however going forward, now you are in this different frame of mind about it all, you might want to let him have his own consequences and to leave him to take care of whatever he has to take care of.
This isn't about "teaching him a lesson" although he should be grown up enough to take care of his own stuff, it's about letting yourself off the hook for taking care of that which he should be able to manage on his own.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Well, what a horrible situation he put you all in. I'm glad no one was physically hurt.
Yes detachment. We talk about it and it is hard to do. Really though, it's just a faster paced way of doing something that will come naturally, eventually. I think that is where you are at. It's all about looking, really looking at the situation now, rather than waiting for those realizations to come.
Eventually, when hurt enough, when neglected enough, when disregarded enough, we naturally start to distance emotionally from someone, doesn't matter who that is. When it's talked about detaching beforehand, it's really just a way to save yourself a lot of hurt. It requires thinking differently about your situation, you are not the fixer, you are not responsible (generally) for this grown adult and what they will or won't do.
After the accident a team of people had to rally around to fix everything he had done, with military precision! I understand why you did all that for him, however going forward, now you are in this different frame of mind about it all, you might want to let him have his own consequences and to leave him to take care of whatever he has to take care of.
This isn't about "teaching him a lesson" although he should be grown up enough to take care of his own stuff, it's about letting yourself off the hook for taking care of that which he should be able to manage on his own.
Yes detachment. We talk about it and it is hard to do. Really though, it's just a faster paced way of doing something that will come naturally, eventually. I think that is where you are at. It's all about looking, really looking at the situation now, rather than waiting for those realizations to come.
Eventually, when hurt enough, when neglected enough, when disregarded enough, we naturally start to distance emotionally from someone, doesn't matter who that is. When it's talked about detaching beforehand, it's really just a way to save yourself a lot of hurt. It requires thinking differently about your situation, you are not the fixer, you are not responsible (generally) for this grown adult and what they will or won't do.
After the accident a team of people had to rally around to fix everything he had done, with military precision! I understand why you did all that for him, however going forward, now you are in this different frame of mind about it all, you might want to let him have his own consequences and to leave him to take care of whatever he has to take care of.
This isn't about "teaching him a lesson" although he should be grown up enough to take care of his own stuff, it's about letting yourself off the hook for taking care of that which he should be able to manage on his own.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by trailmix
After the accident a team of people had to rally around to fix everything he had done, with military precision! I understand why you did all that for him, however going forward, now you are in this different frame of mind about it all, you might want to let him have his own consequences and to leave him to take care of whatever he has to take care of.
This isn't about "teaching him a lesson" although he should be grown up enough to take care of his own stuff, it's about letting yourself off the hook .....
The latest person I am detaching from reminds me of my ex. I haven’t forgotten the pain and loss associated with that situation.
Those memories will help me avoid any new rabbit holes.
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