Mashabo

I’m sorry guys, I keep whining about the same thing and I swear deep inside I really don’t love it, but I can’t. I feel so lonely now, I feel bad, I feel lost.

Recently it all got a bit worse. I can’t stop thinking and as a result can’t stop talking about it. I realized that just now it all started to affect my self-esteem. I didn’t quite feel it before, but now I start questioning how good I am: as a person, my physical beauty, my abilities. And all because I feel like I was changed for someone else, like an object. Like a piece of clothing that has been worn for long and it cost us nothing to throw it away - that’s literally how I feel.

I start thinking “what did he find in her for God’s sake?”, I have dreams where I see them together and it’s killing me. I want to literally errase him from my head. Why did I give him so much love if he didn’t really deserve it?

It’s so hard to understand sick person like this, because it’s hard to even imagine how someone after 5 years can just turn a switch and start with another person right away and forget about you for good. How after everything he doesn’t even feel the need to notify me about the termination of divorce. How it was so meaningless for him.

I’m dreaming about the day I could say “I don’t even care anymore”. About the day I don’t feel that emptiness inside me, don’t miss him, the day I say “thank you, God, it was the best thing that could have happened.”

HardLessons

Is what you miss reality or an unobtainable fantasy. From what you've described he's an addict doing what addicts do. Mine is the same. There are countless stories on SR Forums all basically the same.

Addiction is extremely destructive to all those in close proximity. Its a bottomless destructive pit. It only stops when we say enough. Im not doing it anymore no matter what other hell I have to endure to get away.

Feeling lonely, bad, & lost does get better if you give it time. I felt all of that times 100 - but it did get better with time.

Ariesagain

You’re not bad. You’re human.

At this point, he isn’t really even there anymore. He’s been hijacked by the addiction and he will treat her the same way he treated you. At some point, all things and people are in two categories: those that feed the addiction and those that obstruct it. And anything in the second category is disposable. It’s how it goes. It’s not even personal at this point.

But because you are human, you still hurt. I’m so sorry. I’m attaching a link to a thread that I hope you have read, because there’s a wonderful post by Honeypig toward the end of the thread that really applies to your situation:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...dependent.html (Failing at moving forward, but a pro at being co-dependent!)

This will pass, I promise. In the meantime, distraction is your friend. Every new experience, new hobby, new exercise class, new hiking trail, new recipe, new television series, etc., that requires some concentration will buy you some relief from obsessing about this. And your brain will start to develop new pathways and they will eventually lead you out of this.

Mashabo

I do think it’s an unobtainable fantasy, and what makes me feel sick is the thought that she might get that fantasy. I know it’s stupid.

How long time did it take you?
Thanks for your message

Mashabo

I think it’s the thought that he is not consuming, that he finally deleted all the contacts with old friends that he used with, and appears as if he really is staying sober. So that what hurts me, that she will get the sober, nice guy, who maybe will treat her differently, and I was just disposed like that. But then I remember everything he said and do realize he is sick, even if he is not using, he head is crazy. And if he had changed, he probably would have already at least said sorry. But the thought that he might the best boyfriend to her is killing me! And I know is ridiculous considering everything he said and did. But I don’t know how to stop thinking about it.

Thank you for the message and the link, I’ll read it right away!

SparkleKitty

She's not going to get the perfect boyfriend. He isn't anywhere near the vicinity of even being bare bones basic relationship material. Please don't torture yourself with this.

This is all indicative of magical thinking, and it isn't about them at all. It's about you and the underlying belief that if only somehow you were better, different, GOOD ENOUGH then you would have deserved the perfect version of him (which, in any event, does not exist). You are and always have been enough, and you deserve better than the best that he was capable of.

Ariesagain

First off, I believe I’ve said it before, but I’ll risk repeating myself: if he’s been clean all the time he’s claiming, I’m a hippopotamus. I might have said rhinoceros last time, so at least I’ve provided a little variety!

Second...he’s still a very unwell person. This latest “relationship” is just another attempt to use an external “solution” to what is an internal problem and when it doesn’t work, and it won’t, she’ll get exactly what you got. Maybe worse.

Remember that guy who whined and self-pitied himself for over an hour when you went out for coffee with him? Like a two-year-old in severe need of a time out and a nap. THAT’S this guy. That’s who he is now. Do you want to spend your life babysitting or do you want a relationship with an adult? Because he can’t be one. Not now, not ever, no matter how much recovery jargon and BS he’s spreading around.

She may be getting a bunch of superficial charm...just like you did. It’s a survival mechanism, so narcissists are very good at that. Then when she’s hooked in...the bottom will drop out.

I vividly remember when an alcoholic narcissistic boyfriend went out of town and I was driving his car. It was full of clutter and fast food wrappers and it was filthy, so I thought it would be nice to clean it up for him. Crumpled up in the back floor were several letters from several women, all pleading with him to come back to them. He’d done the same dance over and over...charm and run. It was like his hobby.

Oh and he was FURIOUS that I cleaned his car. Even though I had put everything in a box in the backseat and never mentioned the letters to him. I dumped him and counted myself extremely fortunate not to have ended up like them.

You can and will move on. Be kind to yourself and understand that he alone is responsible for his behavior; not you, not his family, not the Kardashians, not anyone but himself.

It really, really isn’t you. It’s him.

trailmix

Well, you did what you did because you were trying and because to start he wasn't how he turned out to be.

Yes, that guy that was whining over coffee is who he is. He doesn't have to be anything else around you because he knows you KNOW who and what he is.

For her, he may still be laying on a bit of the I'm charming, but that will surely pass, you cannot sustain a fake persona like that for any length of time, well some do, but you know he can't, he's already proven that.

Maybe the question is, what does she see in him? Maybe she's a "fixer" maybe she hopes to fix him, maybe she doesn't care that he's not all that engaged in the relationship. Maybe he's just happy that he has somewhere to stay.

It's not you, it never was. Even if he wasn't unbalanced (which he is), pretend you were together and he decided he could no longer stay because he doesn't like your feet. Does that mean there is something wrong with your feet?? Your feet are inadequate for this world! No. Your feet are yours and they are just fine and dandy and perfect for you.

But this wasn't a "normal" relationship and yes he can just throw relationships away, he will stay as long as it's no trouble for him, as long as it's serving his purposes and no longer. Who does that kind of thing? Someone not worthy of your time.

You are going to be ok and don't need to apologize, these things take time. Trying different things to move yourself forward. Aries suggestion to keep busy with things is such good advice, even when you don't feel like it. It does shift your focus, even if only for a little while. Ruminating about him? Choose a movie to watch and watch it, the whooooole thing. If your mind wanders, drag it back to the movie. It doesn't seem like it's working but you will find it comforting and give your mind a rest and a chance to refocus.

mylifeismine

"Why did I give him so much love if he didn’t really deserve it? "
The answer to this question is the core of your recovery. When you know the answer to
this, the emptiness inside will subside. Are you seeing a counselor who is addiction
educated and very familiar with narcissist personality?

Recovery requires self-compassion, this is very helpful-

https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/

Hypothetical question: If I went out & shot someone, would that make them a bad
person, or would I be the bad person? He treated you very cruelly, but that in no
way makes you bad, he is separate from you, his actions speak about his lack of
honesty and integrity and character, not yours.

LifeRecovery

I was in a similar situation once.....and I struggled really hard because I kept thinking that what he was doing was coming from a place of "Health, wealth and well-being." My insides felt so different from what I saw of his outside that I must have been really goofed me up.

In reality as I have healed I cannot compare my insides to what I "see" everyone else doing.

Also I think my idea of health in this case was me in a fantasy of his "potential" rather than his reality.

With time, and recovery my perspective has really changed. For me the serious discomfort that you are in was my launching of a deeper recovery....and I hope that it will be for you also.

DiggingForFire

[QUOTE=Mashabo;7614922]I think it’s the thought that he is not consuming, that he finally deleted all the contacts with old friends that he used with, and appears as if he really is staying sober. So that what hurts me, that she will get the sober, nice guy, who maybe will treat her differently, and I was just disposed like that. But then I remember everything he said and do realize he is sick, even if he is not using, he head is crazy. And if he had changed, he probably would have already at least said sorry. But the thought that he might the best boyfriend to her is killing me! And I know is ridiculous considering everything he said and did. But I don’t know how to stop thinking about it.

Thank you for the message and the link, I’ll read it right away![/QUOTE

Don’t beat yourself up. So, so many of us have that thought about whether once we leave the alcoholic or get left, that next girlfriend or wife will get this mythical version of him that had all the good traits and has fixed the bad ones. The thing is, that person doesn’t even exist. This version of your ex who isn’t an addict, and doesn’t treat people like ****, that’s like the version of me that is a size 2 and independently wealthy. No one‘s going to get her either, because she’s not real. Even if he acts like he’s this brand new person, and they seem like some perfect amazing couple, he can only bring himself to that relationship. As much as you can, try to bring yourself back to thinking about the reality of the person you actually know and what being in a relationship with him would mean, rather than going down this rabbit hole that will make you feel crummy about some thing you have made up in your own head.

you will not get this mythical version of him. She probably won’t either. But you know what you can have? The best version of you. That is some thing you can control and can impact. Maybe when you are going down the road of the mythical him, try focusing on what that best version of you would be like instead, and start leaning toward her.

FallenAngelina

Spot on.

Unless and until he has gotten sober and is well on his way ( a few years at least) in a program, he is the same person - guaranteed, Mashabo. This is why rehab romances never last. Jumping from one romance to another is addiction in play, not recovery. My XABF left his wife when he could not be with me otherwise and after five years, guess what? I realized that almost everything that was wrong in their relationship was also slowly happening with us. He is an active alcoholic who deals with life alcoholically, in behavior and in thinking. The very best thing I did (by far) was to stop focussing on his behavior, on all of the ways that I perceived that he had wronged me, on all of his problems and to start my own recovery from anxiety and fear-based thinking. Getting into my own wellness program and leaving his problematic behavior to him has been the turning point.

If someone is a problem with one person, he will be the same problem with the next. Unless a person works tirelessly and consistently over years to change his thinking, he will absolutely be the same person from relationship to relationship. It's never about changing partners. That goes just as much for us as it does for alcoholics, BTW.

edoering

Yes! I had a very similar conversation with a great therapist this morning. I noticed I was almost torturing myself with self-doubt. “What if he actually is doing well like he keeps trying to convince me, and I’M wrong and just crazy and in denial and sad?” Deep down, I know that’s not the truth, but I keep thinking it and stressing myself out, and why?

With help of the therapist I realized it was an anxiety thought. I was trying to “protect” myself from what I see as the “worst-case” scenario, even though I know it’s not only unlikely but almost definitely untrue. And I realized it’s a terrible way to “protect” myself because every time I focused on those doubt thoughts it hurt me and stressed me out. So I was hurting myself in order to “protect” myself 🙄 Amazing what brains think is a good idea! Put that way, I’m realizing those anxiety thoughts will happen, but they’re not useful or helpful for me. I’m working on recognizing an anxiety thought and not giving it the time of day.

I think it’s great you’re posting on here, Mash, because I do think the honesty of everyone here can help counteract the anxiety thoughts. And I think you already know from experience that there aren’t healthy and happy relationships with loved ones in active addiction.

Mashabo

Thank you for these words, that’s exactly I think what tortures me.

Aries, thank you🙌🏻 No, i won’t want a relationship with that little boy! And his recovery jargon does sound like a bunch of BS.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think what also eats me inside is that it was not ME who dumped him, which I should have done long time ago. And I guess my ego and fear of abandonment were severely damaged by that. But you are right, Kardashians are definitely not at fault and neither am I. I can and will move on! 🙏🏻

You know, I’ve never thought of it like that. That he showed me that because that’s who he is and he knows I know. And it makes lots of sense! I usually thought he just used me because that’s what I am to him - someone who can support and listen.

Maybe she is just desperate, as she wrote in one of her msgs “I want you to be the last man in my life.” But as a “doctor” she is definitely full of cr*p even if she hopes to “fix” him.Can you believe she once told his parents “I think he will never consume again.” That’s just beyond stupid to give such false hope.

Thank you very much, I want to put this in bold for myself Who does that kind of thing? Someone not worthy of your time.

I was. But at this moment I have some financial difficulties so I’ve stopped, maybe that’s also a part of why I feel as I feel.

Thank you very much for these words, I needed to hear it. It’s not me.


Wow! I think that’s exactly my case. My idea of his “recovery” or “health” is a fantasy about his “potential” but not reality!!!! Thank you for that

Mashabo

Thats a very very good advice, thank you very much. I guess that’s the hardest part - to understand that that person just doesn’t exist.

Mashabo

Thank you, Angelina. I guess that’s what is happening with me, I mean that I assume he is working tirelessly and consistently to change and I won’t get his good version. But of course as it was mentioned before that’s just my fantasy about his potential. Because if the person was indeed working on himself he wouldn’t have complained as much as he does, and definitely wouldn’t have blamed everyone for how badly he is living.

Definitely what I need - stop focusing on his behavior and start focusing on myself

Mashabo

You know, that actually makes sense. It’s a bit confusing thought 😄

100% I think though my inicial problem is that I think and assume that he is not in active addiction. Because he is attending groups and spends time at that rehab all the time and talks about how he is grateful he doesn’t consume and doesn’t want to go back (though it’s ridiculous as I can not know that and it doesn’t feel like he is doing well, at least not psychologically, because physically I see him doing good). So as a result I think if he is moving forward, doing good, but doesn’t want me - then there is something wrong with me. But definitely it’s not the case and I should work hard to let go of these destructive thoughts.

trailmix

This is very hard and where many get stuck (for a while). Why? Because you saw him as one person and he turned out to be another and generally, in life, there aren't that many people who can make such a huge change.

I mean you might meet someone who is say, really polite but then find out that they aren't really after a while lol - some trait that they really have to work at. But, to truly hide yourself, that's a special kind of - thing.

So then your mind goes around and around - well he was this, where did he go? He is still alive and well and I SEE him but he's not there. The mind doesn't like such tricks, cognitive dissonance - when your mind holds one belief but that conflicts with the facts presented to you.

"Essentially, cognitive dissonance occurs when humans experience a state of holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs in their cognition at one time".

So your mind is trying to settle this and can't. The way out of it is to accept that he is who he is now. He may well have presented something else, but that is not who he is now. He is the guy you had coffee with, no more, no less. Once you accept that, the dissonance fades.

Ariesagain

I still don’t believe he’s not using something, but it’s also entirely possible that “recovery” itself has become his new replacement addiction, along with that poor stupid woman.

For some people, recovery is a perfect environment to make things even more all about them. He’s the center of attention, he’s the victim and the hero, it’s all about him and his feelings and him him him. Narcissism nirvana, really. If that recovery community doesn’t have reality-based long-term recovered people who are able and willing to call out his self-absorbed BS, and it certainly doesn’t sound like they employ those, it’s just feeding his beast.

He’s working on nothing except his own ego and it’s getting worse. She’s welcome to it, poor thing.

You’ve been liberated. Hold your face up to the sun and sail on, girl!

California123

I'm in the same boat...gave our relationship another "chance" in November, hoping for the best. Was happy in alot of ways, the drinking was still a daily thing but much lower volume, but my instincts were still that it was "needed" daily and by no means healthy. My desire to take things slow and rebuild a real relationship and foundation of course was well received at first but after a couple of months, it was right back to demands and ultimatums. Never willing to put in any real work. I certainly did. About a month ago she bailed out on me once again, of course there was another guy waiting in the wings, they had been talking for about a month and she was definitely promoting it. Now I'm sitting here, feeling like crap about myself, my current life and prospects for the future. Can totally relate! And I get the sense she doesn't care at all, just continuing along with zero remorse. It's a very tough situation, trying to take it one day at a time but the weekends are definitely much tougher. Hang in there, you're not alone in this type of struggle!