Tired1

We are done... I am broken, even though I know it is for the best. AH doesn't even seem to care or shed a tear that we are divorcing, because he is "just not happy". I guess he thinks me being gone will make everything better. I feel like recyclables he is putting to the curb, to be replaced with whatever it is will "just make him happy" especially because I know he will never find it in that liter of Vodka or the cans of beer.

I am falling into my old habits of screaming and crying and just trying to get any kind of response from him, even though I will never get what I need or want to hear. I wish I could feel the same and just be done like him, because I have "just not been happy" for years. Thanks for letting me vent and share.

Ariesagain

I’m so sorry. You know, screaming and crying may just be how you need to process all of this. That’s okay. For what it’s worth, he no longer experiences emotions the way you do, because his brain has been taken over by the addiction. That warps everything.

Take care of YOU, the best you can. Better days lie ahead.

trailmix

I'm sorry Tired, but he is thinking that the thing that will make him happy is in those bottles and the freedom to drink whenever he feels like it. To us that may not be logical but to an alcoholic, well.

You're right, you will never get what you need/want to hear because he is not capable of that right now (maybe never), he has one focus, to drink. That's actually not personal you know, although it sure feels like it! because it does affect you and it does affect the relationship and your life.

The only way to move forward, happily, or not miserably, is by focusing on yourself. That adage about looking to the person who hurt you to fix you, it just can't work because he isn't capable of compassion and love and empathy right now.

Do you have a plan at all, can he leave and you stay where you are living? Having a plan, doing the next right thing for yourself will make you feel so much more in control.

Givenup2018

Tired1, it will get better. Scream, cry if you have to. You have to walk through the pain to get out the other side. But you will get to the other side. Put you first, mourn and grieve the marriage but then move on. Save yourself.

honeypig

Tired, there were no tears or regrets from my XAH, either, when I told him I was filing for divorce. He said, and this is a direct quote, "well, you do what you gotta do." That was the sum total of the response, after 19 years of marriage and 21 years together.

I get how you feel.

Others have given good advice here. The only thing I have to add is that it will all take time. Unfortunately, recovering from something like this isn't something that can be hastened along. Yes, it will help if you reach out for support here and in Alanon. It will help if you surround yourself with inspiration in any of the many forms it takes. Being kind to yourself will help. But healing is a process, a journey, and as such won't progress in a steady, even line, but in fits and starts.

Five years ago, I posted this here:

I randomly opened a book called "A Year to Clear" this AM and this jumped right out at me: There is no crash course on how to evolve. You cannot buy clarity and wisdom at the store or manufacture it in a lab or train for it. Life does not always lend itself to being tidied or packaged, and our experiences do not always add up at the end of the day. Clearing is a journey, not a destination. Even if you don't see the whole picture yet, you have put into motion a powerful new combination of habits that are working, altho perhaps quietly behind the scenes.

It rings as true to me now as it did then. I hope it resonates w/you too.

Sueby

I remember wondering and agonizing over why my AH “didn’t care” like I did about us splitting up, it was so demoralizing! It seemed like I was the only one upset or having to make changes. He just seemed to roll on like I had never even been there. After being together for 28 years! He had decided to drink after 16 years of sobriety and that he was unhappy with me. Two years later he was “sober” and he told me that he made a huge mistake and loved me. I refused to move back in, but we’ve been back “together” the last 3 years, but during the last year I have been doing no contact when he’s drinking. Currently he’s sober.

The truth was, he did care about me and he did mourn the relationship, but he had alcohol to numb it while I was going solo. I have gotten a lot of “I’m sorry’s” and “I treat you like crap”, but they really don’t mean squat. Nada, nothing because they were only as good as the length of the sober period. It gets harder and harder to believe them the more of them you hear...

But I do recall craving them so badly! Wanted so badly for him to realize how much he hurt me (a lot of it was me hurting me honestly). Like seriously obsessed over him apologizing and grovelling to me because it made me feel better, at least for a while. But I realized that it was another form of manipulation (on both our parts) and those apologies were just a lot of letters strung together that didn’t really mean anything. It simply meant he realized that while he was drunk and being an a$$, he hadn’t alienated pretty much the only person left in his life. For me, it meant that he would pretty much do anything I wanted and would toe the line, and for a BIT I could relax the controlling actions that were driving me slowly crazy. But that was always short lived because I was always on the lookout for signs of him wanting to drink and I’d start trying to head it off all over again. And it didn’t matter that we didn’t live together at all, so messed up!!

My story may have a few differences to some others, but the plot is still the same as everyone else’s. It’s strangely comforting that there are so many uniformities to these relationship stories on this board, it helps to know my story is one that others have first hand experience with and can totally relate to.

emmab219

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I remember getting a similar reaction from my EX-AH when I left him. I expected him to want me back, to fight for me. He didn't, and I think it was his pride that stopped him. That and his addiction. Deep down, I think I knew my husband wasn't my husband anymore but the shell of an addict.

Do what you need to. Cry, scream, yell. And then focus on YOU. Not on him or how he feels or isn't feeling.

It is better on the other side, I promise you.

OKRunner

"The truth was, he did care about me and he did mourn the relationship, but he had alcohol to numb it while I was going solo." I too struggle so much with the question of how my Q could leave so fast. He just left. Like I was nothing. Like our time together never existed and he never cared. And then he didn't seem to mourn or feel the loss, like I did. To this day I will never understand that. What is true though is that I am going this "solo," like Sueby said above. I am going this solo with no alcohol, no pain killers, no rebound relationship, no nothing. Just me and myself, crying into my pillow every night and trying to survive this form of hell on Earth. Maybe he is medicating his way through this. Maybe he isn't and he honestly doesn't and never did care. I will never know. But Sueby thank you for recognizing that we are going through this solo. Maybe that is why the pain is so sharp and I feel so raw, unlike I've ever felt before.

FallenAngelina

To simply be willing to go through a painful episode in life is a tremendous thing, an orientation that will take us very far. So many people do all kinds of things to (attempt to) avoid feeling their feelings and those things always lead off course. To have the willingness to feel is a beautiful thing and it always take us where we want to go.

enaiddes

I agree with other posts here. Save yourself. Forget about him if you have to live under the same roof. Go about creating a wonderful life for yourself independently and on your own. If possible think about leaving so that your new life can be constructed on a stronger foundation.