Help with Moving On

Old 04-17-2021, 10:10 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 33
Help with Moving On

I have posted here before. I have dealt with an alcoholic and drug (cocaine) abusing ex for a year now. I haven't talked to him since October when we had a falling out--saw him in November and didn't speak. I've had a hard time with unresolved issues. I think he went to rehab in December. He is in his 30s. His phone has been off since September with no way to reach him. He went to rehab a few years ago, and his parents who were supporting him during COVID cut off his phone when they found out he relapsed. I don't know why I'm having hard time letting go. I did not enable him and broke things off immediately when I found out about his drug use. I have thrown myself into new activities; writing a novel, sewing masks, going to the beach, and exercising more. I can't seem to shake him or the uncertainty of what he's doing. I think about him often. Any advice to help me move on?
Flynn84 is offline  
Old 04-18-2021, 04:07 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
It's a very unsatisfying response, but it just takes time, especially when you feel there are unresolved issues. You have to give yourself the time and space to grieve a relationship that wasn't what you hoped it would be. You will get there if you keep doing what you're doing, and try actively letting go of any obsessive thoughts of him or what he's doing.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 04-18-2021, 05:12 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
FallenAngelina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
... there are unresolved issues.
Yes - and with an alcoholic who's not 1000% committed and involved in his recovery, there will always be unresolved issues. He will never be able to help you resolve them. Resolving is completely up to you to do, Flynn.
FallenAngelina is offline  
Old 04-18-2021, 08:30 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
Flynn, it doesn't sound like you weren't with him for a tremendously long time, yet it was probably a pretty intense time, am I right? The bad times were awful, but the good times were probably spectacular. And maybe part of you was drawn to that intensity so that now your "normal" life somehow feels a little flat, a little boring. Many of us here have been in the same boat (myself included), noticing when we looked back at the partners we'd chosen previously that we had a history of choosing the same unhealthy but "exciting" type again and again. Maybe that's not you, but I'm guessing that missing the intensity of that relationship might be part of your continued thoughts about him.

And also, Flynn, sometimes what we're obsessing about is more the "could have been" aspect than anything that really existed. When we look back, we can't help but erase the bad parts of the picture and replace them with our favorite bright colors, painting a scene that never truly was. We mourn the possibility rather than the actual thing. Again, I've done this myself, and even now, 6 years post divorce, I still sometimes do it.

Be gentle with yourself, give yourself time, and as much as possible, when those thoughts return, try to remember realistically what it was like. You will, indeed, heal. It's just that healing often takes forms we don't expect, and it sure doesn't proceed on the schedule we'd like it to follow!
honeypig is offline  
Old 04-18-2021, 11:32 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Yes, it surely takes time and a really hard look at how it really was.

We can look at only the good part and the part that "could have been". This is, of course, not realistic.

When you think of him do you think of the time he attacked you (verbally) because you had texted his Father (on an unrelated matter). Or the time you gave him $30.00 to pick up some things from the store, including beer for him and you didn't get your items or your $30.00 back? Probably not.

That's one thing that can help you. Making a list of all the hurtful, odd, things that happened. Then when you find yourself ruminating about his "potential", refer to it, 10 times a day if needed. The mind can get stuck in the "could have been" and that's not actually what happened. Reminding yourself can help you move forward, to remember why you are where you are (not with him).

He is a grown man whose parents took away his phone and wallet, is this someone you would have for a partner?

Always remember that even if he manages to get sober, it can takes years of recovery before he would be relationship material. He has probably been living as an addict for some time, recovery includes straightening all that out, not just putting the drug down.

He is either still living the drug life or he is pursuing recovery, either way, these are probably not situations you want to be part of (and really can't be anyway).




trailmix is online now  
Old 04-21-2021, 05:10 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 33
He's a high functioning addict. I don't think most people would suspect he was using, and my friends were shocked by it since we'd all been hanging around every day for months. I think the hard part was that everything was really good then in the last week of him being here things got really bad, which is when I think he started using heavily. He felt shame and left town almost as soon as I found out. He came back a few months later and acted like everything was good then yelled at me one night when he was clearly under the influence, and we haven't spoken since. That's when I found out his parents had taken his phone away. There weren't really a lot of bad times, but when there were, they were really bad. Most of my memories of him are fond memories. I have written down the bad things that happened and do refer to that often and a letter to him right after it happened about how upset I was. I read it a lot. That initial anger has faded though. I'll keep trying to re-read that letter.
Flynn84 is offline  
Old 04-21-2021, 05:14 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 33
I also never gave him the letter. It was more of a journal entry for me to get the emotions out even though it was written like it was addressed to him.
Flynn84 is offline  
Old 04-21-2021, 05:19 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Flynn, we're about on the same timeline. It's taking me a long time too. You're not alone. I used to cry myself to sleep and now it's just occasionally so I keep saying that is something? I know my post isn't helpful but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
OKRunner is offline  
Old 04-21-2021, 05:45 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 33
That's actually really helpful to me. I feel like people keep saying it doesn't seem like I knew him for long, but we were together daily for months since we live in the same complex, so I felt like we got to know each other more than a typical couple that would just dating. Even after I found out about his use we kept in touch because I do care about him as a person. I think he felt so ashamed that he pushed me away and didn't want me to experience him using/interfere with his drug use. I still pray for him daily. I have a really active social life, so things haven't changed all that much in my day to day life other than him not being around. I just miss talking to him. He's a good guy with some ugly demons to face.
Flynn84 is offline  
Old 04-22-2021, 10:40 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
You know, your post just know made me think of something else as well. I think it is really important to get to know more about addiction.

As you describe him he has all the hallmarks of an addict (generally). He is angry and defensive - check, - Shame (this is common in general with addiction) - check. etc

So yes, he is a good guy and I'm certainly not going to say that you didn't spend that much time with him, relationships are what they are. You two spent a lot of time together, probably a lot of time talking, some really meaningful talks and that may well be the draw. Addiction is a self centered pursuit. He probably spends a lot of time thinking about his demons.

But you know that's not enough, that you don't want to be involved with an addict.

So perhaps, always remember, when you think of him that he is an addict. Is he getting help? Maybe. Is he recovered? Doubtful. All those things attributed to his addiction are still part of him. It can take years to unwind all of that. Defects of character. So even if you are holding out some hope of reuniting, remember that would be at least a few years down the road once he has had help and really done the work.

Also, he wasn't been truthful with you, he took your money to go buy you something when you were sick and didn't buy the goods and didn't return your money. I'm sure you have forgiven him for that, but that was just one lie.

In a nutshell what I'm saying is that it may have been easy for him to be semi "normal" under the circumstances you describe. The summer, a beach. But that, as you know, is not all he is. When you think of him, try to think realistically. He is a grown man whose parents had to take his phone and wallet away, they know him well.

trailmix is online now  
Old 04-24-2021, 04:52 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 33
I have read up on addiction quite a bit and already had general knowledge of it in the field I work in. I'm a healthcare professional and recognized many traits in individuals and made the proper referrals for them before he ever entered into my life.

I know he is all one person and not to separate the characteristics of his personality. I do try to focus on the negatives, which is difficult because I'm generally a very positive person. I don't condone that type of behavior.

I hear everything everyone is saying. I know and understand the traits of addicts. I'm just having a hard time letting go of him as a person since the issues are unresolved between us. I typically don't have conflict in my life that leads to not speaking to someone. I know it's his addiction that caused it, and I know it will take a very long time for him to work through things, especially since this is his second go round. I just want to be able to let go, and I haven't been able to for some reason.
Flynn84 is offline  
Old 04-25-2021, 05:41 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
FallenAngelina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Flynn84 View Post
I just want to be able to let go, and I haven't been able to for some reason.
This is something really, really, really worth exploring.

I never understand the advice to "let go" because so far, I've never seen anyone able to do that just because people tell them (or they tell themselves!) that they should. The more you try to "let go," the more your thoughts cling to the person you're supposed to be letting go. Seems to me, there's good reason for this. I know for myself that my obsessive thoughts always fall in places where I'm greatly served by digging. An X on a treasure map, if you will. I've found so very much health and improved thinking by doing this work in the company of others who are doing the same.


FallenAngelina is offline  
Old 04-25-2021, 11:12 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Originally Posted by Flynn84 View Post
I do try to focus on the negatives, which is difficult because I'm generally a very positive person. I don't condone that type of behavior.
I absolutely get this. I think by and large, most of us are like this, to greater and lessor degrees. Who even wants to focus on the negatives? Also I think, for people who are generally more positive, there are things that get swept aside. This is not a bad thing in my opinion, in fact I think it's great, but I do think we need to attempt to think the other way and show ourselves when this isn't serving us well.

We have our set personalities, whether that includes being the helper, optimist, pessimist, co-dependent and none of these things are easy to change or to try to curb to something that is better for us in any given situation.

Generally, for good things (like optimism) we don't have to.

I use this not great analogy. If you broke your leg and had a cast. Six months from now, would you be focusing on the injury, hassle, pain? Probably not. You might think about how your cousin made up a week worth of dinners and came over to your house and left them. Or how everyone at work rallied round when you went back, bringing you lunch, asking if you needed coffee, signing your cast and the card they got for you. You get the idea.

In that case an optimistic outlook is grand! In this case though, how is it serving you besides having you ruminating about a relationship that can't be (based on your very own boundaries).

That's why I recommend a list of all the negatives, to refer to. You don't want to turn in to a pessimist (and you won't!) but it's a worthy reminder to ensure your thoughts are on the right track.

Are there any things that you feel were unresolved that you can share here?


trailmix is online now  
Old 04-25-2021, 11:49 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
ScottFromWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Flynn84 View Post
He's a high functioning addict.
Every addict is a "high functioning" at some point in their continuum. Sort of like we were all able to moderate our drinking at one point ;-) We also are extremely good at the art of deception/persuasion and making others think we are "high functioning".

The real conundrum for both the addict and those around them is that the bad times always come with the good times - so when you sign up, you sign up for the whole package - the lying, cheating, sneaking - all of that is something you need to accept and expect along with the good times in between. The addict has the same argument with themselves and their relationship with alcohol/drugs. They know full well what consequences are, but their love for the high/buzz/escape makes them choose it over whatever may happen next.

ScottFromWI is offline  
Old 04-29-2021, 08:48 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 33
The unresolved issue is that our last interaction was over a misunderstanding. I sent his dad a text for some advice that was completely unrelated to him. I wanted to talk to his dad about what I should say to my mother regarding me leaving my job. I'm part of the vulnerable population, so COVID and working with a group of 600 people was not a good idea at the time. His dad and my mother are VERY similar people, so I thought I'd get his perspective. The problem was he had his dad's phone that night, and he called me yelling. I told him it didn't have anything to do with him. He told me to never talk to him or his parents again. I went over and spoke to his father about the job issue and did tell him what had transpired. I wanted to respect his son not wanting me to continue contact with them while also not looking like a jerk by avoiding his parents. His dad wasn't having that. He told me he really likes me and if his son has a problem with that, he will stand on his own two feet. We're neighbors and have gotten along really well. Neither of us speak about his son and keep our relationship separate, which I really appreciate. After the conversation with his dad, I sent him a text saying that I respect his decision and would leave him alone. He called yelling at me again. I didn't entertain the argument, and we haven't spoken since. I don't understand why he was more angry when I said I'd leave him alone since that's what he asked of me.
Flynn84 is offline  
Old 04-29-2021, 09:39 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
This doesn't sound like a misunderstanding, Flynn. It sounds like he is trying to control both you and his father, and only has one tactic in his arsenal, which is yelling about it.

You don't really need him involved to resolve this. You can work towards accepting that this is who he is without him being involved.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 04-29-2021, 01:22 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
^^^^ What SK said, I don't see this as a misunderstanding either. You were expecting a "normal" reaction, like "hey, was that message for my Dad? It's actually me here, I have his phone right now".

You didn't even text him, you texted his Dad!! He knows that, well he certainly realized it when he sobered up and/or calmed down.

The second reaction you got when saying - ok, I won't contact you again - is just more of the same out-of-his-senses reaction you got from the first text. Even if you assume he never understood what happened, there is no reason for that kind of reaction.

It's hard to leave it like that, I know, it would be great if it had all been kind and civil, but that's not him.


trailmix is online now  
Old 04-30-2021, 03:55 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 33
Exactly, and he cannot control me which is what bothered him. I did read that often times people become more paranoid the more that they use substances, so that is likely part of it since I was the one that told his parents.

I think that a lot of the feelings were starting to disappear recently, but on Easter, a lady that was renting a place below me overdosed and passed away. It was a shock to my community because that type of thing doesn't happen around here. We have a low crime rate, and it's a pretty calm little beach town. It made me worry about that happening to him. No matter how much wrong he did, I just want him to get better.
Flynn84 is offline  
Old 05-01-2021, 10:18 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Originally Posted by Flynn84 View Post
It made me worry about that happening to him. No matter how much wrong he did, I just want him to get better.
Well, unfortunately, addiction is everywhere, from the woman downstairs to the guy you met.

I also understand the worry, but if there is one thing I do know, he will do whatever he will do. If other people could make him take care of himself (you, his parents), he would already be in recovery, that just doesn't work really. I also hope he gets better.

So what to do? The only way out of that worry is to realize there is nothing you can do. He was an addict long before he met you and carried along with his life and he will continue on that path until he chooses differently, if ever. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.

Until you accept that, the worry will continue.




trailmix is online now  
Old 05-02-2021, 09:41 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 33
Well, I finally broke down and looked at his social media yesterday, and he posted for the first time since August. I'm 90% sure he went to rehab based on some comments made, and he's only three hours away from where I live. Considering his family lives like 20 hours away, it's likely the case. I even felt relief when I saw another woman posting on his photos that looks to be in recovery as well, and they seem to be very close. Maybe even relationship close. I'm oddly okay with that. All along I just wanted him to be healthy, happy, and whole. It's what I've prayed for every day.
Flynn84 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:22 PM.