pizza67

I know he’s goading me. I didn’t take the bait but boy did I want to. In one smooth trifecta of an unprompted narcissistic rant, he 1) said kid x is amoral and hard hearted for not “reconciling” with him, 2) said “and I wonder who taught kid x to be like that; it’s too bad there’s no one to tell kid x that it’s a bad idea to cut your father off”, and 3) when I responded “I hear you” just to try to end the lecture, said “that’s the most amount of empathy you can muster. Is that what you do with your patients, too?”

I know it would do NOTHING but escalate things if I were to say “your self-righteous uninsightful attacks make me want to move to another planet, and I don’t want to be in the same room with you”. But I want to say that. I want to say a lot more than that.

SparkleKitty

pizza, I really am sorry your husband is this way. Try to remember that what he wants has nothing to do with what he says, but that he only wants you to engage with him about it.

dandylion

pizza.......it is so good and impressive that yu are able to hold the line and not engage with him. It takes a lot of effort and control, I know.
My gosh.....he shows the insight of a fruit fly.

pizza67

Thank you guys for your kind thoughts. I know, it’s really remarkable that he doesn’t get why they are estranged from him. He “generously” offered them the opportunity to make it right between them today, for “their own benefit.” And he doesn’t get why attacking me, blaming me for their anger at him, and calling them immoral, would result in me wanting zero to do with him. Lord Jesus.....

pizza67

Constant daily spiteful griping about how he is “ostracized” and “excluded.” If someone mentions a text in a group chat, he’ll resentfully say “I never got that.” Daily rants about how I’m doing nothing to make them reconcile with him.


HOW CAN HE NOT SEE THAT HE CREATED THIS SITUATION AND THAT I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT AT ALL

SparkleKitty

If he takes responsibility for it, he has to do something about it. And he likes things exactly the way they are. He gets to be the victim, and everything gets to be all your fault.

Can you accept that this is who he is, and that he may never change?

pizza67

yes and no. I know that he will never change. I find it unacceptable.

Today I got recriminations because I didn't’ “help him fill out (an 11 question) form like I said I would.” This person has an advanced degree. He berated me on a daily basis about how I fail to show him love. This is someone who froze me out and conditionally “loved” me for the entirety of the relationship. Objecting because I no longer grovel for his attention.

Mind you, I’m civil and polite, which is more than he can say. Any ideas for what to say when he’s berating me as far as why I am not continuing to engage? He keeps telling me I’m “stonewalling” when I say I’m not going to engage when he is being critical.

ErinGoBragh

Can you just physically remove yourself from his presence? I wouldn't even bother to say, "I'm not engaging." I'd walk away. JMO.

trailmix

You could try the truth and tell him you don't want to speak to him.

There are no logical answers. The situation you are in is illogical. Your AH is illogical.

You don't have a relationship with him you know? When I read your posts it seems like your expectation is that he will treat you any differently than he does, with some respect or remorse or comprehension. That's never going to happen. He is not capable of doing that.

Think of it like a cat playing with a mouse, taking swipes at it and the mouse doesn't want to play anymore, well the cat isn't happy with that so he just keeps swiping until the mouse reacts again.

SparkleKitty

It doesn't matter what you say. All he wants is for you to engage. Even if it has to be on the topic of not-engaging. The only response is NOT to respond.

dandylion

Pizza......it seems to me that the best you can do, while still living in the same house as him, is to continue as you are, by not engaging with him when he offers the bait, Refusing to JADE.
But, OMG, it must be hard. Kind of like a prisoner of war, when the guards come around every day and apply some sort of torture. It must require an astounding inner strength not to "break". Especially, when it goes on for prolonged amounts of time.
The fact remains that the decisions regarding your ultimate welfare lye with you. Those are the only choices that are within your control. Please don't continue with the hope that he will, somehow, do what he Should do.
I am reminded of the Caterpillar Question....."When does the caterpillar become a butterfly?" When the desire to become a butterfly becomes bigger than the fear of remaining a caterpillar.

One other thought....he will probably change, But, change for the worse. Nothing in life ever stays exactly the same forever. Life involves ongoing change. Sometimes, so slow that on can hardly notice it....as, sometimes, there are long plateaus....but, change will eventually come.

As for your question, I can't suggest a better answer as I don't think there is a better one...other than don't JADE.
Your future is in your hands. Whatever you do or don't do will have it's own set of consequences.

Ariesagain

One thing I know for sure...nobody ever bullied someone into loving them.

DO you still love him? For certain, you don’t like him.

Why stay with someone you actively dislike? At some point, trying to assign or deflect blame is just a waste of good air.

This relationship is dead. Time to figure out how to move on, yes?

Bekindalways

Hey Pizza. Sounds like more of same although as Dandylion pointed out, it is probably getting slowly worse. It will continue to get incrementally worse. It does suck. This is what Alcoholics do unfortunately.

You might work towards not even telling him you will not engage. You also might try for what physical distance you can get while living in the same house but you really can't do much else. As long as you are physically in the same space as him, what you describe will continue.

I hope you have a few plans to get yourself and your children away from this situation. It is a brutal step to take and the only only only way this situation is going to change in any significant way.