DiggingForFire

A little over two years after his cirrhosis diagnosis, and three years after I noticed the symptoms, he has died.

two years ago he was hospitalized for acute liver failure and pancreatitis. He’d have been on the transplant list if it weren’t for the drinking. He lived more than another two years. Probably would’ve been longer if he stopped drinking. Maybe even long enough to get a new liver if he’d pulled it out. After the hospital, he went into rehab, and I never let him come home. And what that means is our five year old daughter didn’t watch him die, and didn’t watch the way he treated me, which was appalling. And it means that instead of having spent my last 2 1/2 years with a mean, miserable, dying man, undoubtedly taking his misery out on me as he always had before, and taking it out on our daughter as well, which I had started to see develop just before I left him, instead I was taking care of my kid and myself. I even had a second kid all by myself in that time because a second child was the thing I wanted most in the world and the reason I stayed too long.

So many times I felt awful for leaving him that his absolute worst. And I learned over the last few years that when I left him wasn’t even the worst. And he lied, and he drank, and he forced me to wrest all custody of our daughter away so he couldn’t put her in danger. And over the last six months I have watched him suffer and degrade again, and lie to everyone and drink.

I have been walking a tight rope of trying to make sure that as long as her father was alive, she knew he loved her, but he couldn’t put her in danger. I have never worried about anything so much in my life is trying to protect that kid.

and it’s over. I know she’s with me and she’s safe. And that she won’t be there when he bleeds out or falls down the stairs. And I think I should be feeling relief because my ongoing battle is finally over. But all I feel is sad.

Tomorrow I have to tell my five-year-old that her daddy is dead. And I don’t honestly even know if she will be sad. He was 43 years old.

Nd819

Digging, I am so very sorry. I can certainly understand your feelings right now, it is sad, you obviously loved him at one point and I am sure your daughter loved him as well. You sound like a wonderful mom, I am sure you will find the right way to tell your daughter and be there to support her. Sending love and hugs you way.

Delilah1

I’m really sorry, sending love to you end your daughter.❤️

PeacefulWater12

I am sorry, sending kindness to you and your daughter.

Dee74

I am sorry for you and your daughters loss, DiggingForFire.

woodlandlost

oh my. i am so sorry for your loss. big hugs.

SmallButMighty

So very sad Digging, I'm so sorry it came to this. My heart goes out to you, and most of all to your little girl. How F'n tragic.

mylifeismine

So very sorry DiggingFF. It's devastating to watch someone spiral to
their deaths from alcoholism, a truly baffling, cunning and powerful
affliction. You saved yourself and your daughter from untold grief
and heartache when you made the courageous decision to get out.

That tightrope you've been walking- the void will seem strange at first
I would think. It doesn't matter how much we expected the end to
come, it still very sad. I remember Sasha talking about the death
of her ex and the unexpected feelings and emotions that surfaced.

I hope you and your kids will carve out some enjoyable, peaceful
activities as the focus of walking that tightrope fades away.
Prayers for you and the kids and him.

Amaranth

I'm so sorry. Sending strength to you and your daughter

OKRunner

I am so sorry. Much love to you during this difficult time.

Your post hits home with me. My AXBF is 43. So very young.

Bekindalways

Ah DfF. So so sad. As much as it can't be all that unexpected, it must be a shock.

Here's to healing and peace to you and your kids.

DiggingForFire

Thanks everyone. The talk with my daughter was pretty uneventful on her end honestly. I’ve been pretty surprised by the extent to which she has taken it in stride. That is to some extent her age and probably the slow distancing from the progressively smaller amount of time she has spent with him over the last couple years.

it’s been harder for me than I anticipated, but after a week now I’m feeling pretty even keeled. Lots of long walks with my sister and some time away from work. It’s going to be a process to work through everything but I’m feeling pretty grounded.

SaveTonight

Hi @DiggingForFire
i found this forum whilst googling 'my alcoholic ex died' and was compelled to reach out to you.

my ex (together 10 years, separated 10 months) died last week. Telling our 5 year old daughter was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I would love to chat more to you if you're happy to. It is so rare to find someone who really understands.

I hope you're doing ok. The 'tight rope' you talk of really rung true.

it really is a very complicated grief isn't it?

DiggingForFire

Hi. We’re actually both doing pretty well. I’ve had a harder time of it than my kid, which has been a bit of a surprise. I was not expecting her to fall apart but I was also not expecting it to hit me as hard as it did. But things that have been unsettled for a long time I finally settling. I have a lot going on in my head but there is no chaos in my life anymore. I no longer have to wield a sword to be a protector for my kid and the amount of mental space it has freed up is amazing. I’m fixing things around my house I haven’t had the mental energy to do, I even just changed my hair. Just the things you do when you are getting your ducks in a row after a hard time. So, doing really well, actually.

I sent you a private message but I haven’t done that before so if I don’t respond or you don’t get it let me know here!