Tired1

My husband of 30 years is an alcoholic. He always was a drinker and in 2003 he began drinking to extreme. This time was horrible as he worked away from home and when he did come home, he spent that time in the bar. With two kids, I was angry and bitter that I was alone and the money was foolishly spent. This period ended with a year long affair in 2004. He stopped drinking and we stayed together.Fast forward a few years, the cycle starts again, so much so when he moved for a job in 2015 I almost stayed behind and left him. I did move also, we bought a house, things seemed good, but he still drank. Some nights so much his speech would be slurring and he wouldn't remember anything we talked about. I asked him to stop, I said I would leave and I retreated into a safe place to protect myself, always thinking I should get out.

In 2019 I finally started getting counseling for myself and taking meds, He continued drinking I continued asking him to get help.

Last weekend I found out he started seeing someone else in January. As we talked one night he said he enjoyed talking to someone who wasn't sad or bitter and who knew how to have fun. Someone who cared and wasn't always angry, who doesn't lash out to show everyone their true colors, but what really pisses me off is the fact he chose not drink for two nights because she has always been with douche bags who did. My bitterness and anger has only come from living with him for so long, from forgotten conversations, times spent watching him drink to extreme and from feeling not good enough of a person for him to stop for! So Please help... Is it me? Am I the Crazy one?

SparkleKitty

You are not crazy. But living with an alcoholic and hoping they will change so you don’t have to is a losing proposition, and not a healthy or loving way to treat yourself.

dandylion

Tired1......No, you are not Crazy. Problem is, you are believing Him over Yourself. You know how you feel and you know what is going on. That is your truth and your reality.----your truth is yours (not his) and you are entitled to that---and,no one can take that away from you. Start llistening to Yourself.

By the way, the woman that he is "talking" to now, doesn't have a better future with him, either. She will have a lot of disappointment in store for herself, also. don't waste any of your energy worry about him and her.
One think that I would suggest for you, is to read "Co-dependent No More". It is the most suggested book on this forum. I think that a lot of it will resonate with you!
You can get a cheap used copy from amazon.com.....or from your local library..

x

trailmix

As has been said, you are not crazy, not at all.

Being not good enough for him to stop for is really not true you know? Addicts don't (generally) think like that. He isn't drinking AT you, he is just drinking, which is what alcoholics do, it's not personal (although I know you feel like it is). The world of addiction is not a logical world.

Yes, your bitterness and anger has come with living with him for so long, there is no way it cannot affect you. Perhaps now is the time to leave?

Amaranth

Tired1 I'm so sorry to read your story. I'm not surprised you are feeling exhausted and deflated. After 30 years of putting your energy into your marriage and putting up with a lot of difficult behaviours from him I would say it's time to put lots of energy into yourself. Let him have his "fun". I can assure you, he's not really having fun at all.
have you tried al-anon? I think finding support for yourself now is very important. It's time to be kind to yourself.

FallenAngelina

You're not crazy, but you are letting his drinking/not drinking define you. This is the one part that you have complete control over and the one thing you can change. Whether your husband drinks or not (and why) has zero to do with your self esteem, although right now you are allowing his choices to dictate that. You really cannot do a thing about his choices, but you can do everything about your self perception - and you can do it 100% independent of whatever he chooses to do or not do.

Freshstart1111

You are absolutely not crazy! This is my story as well. My XAH told me, when I found out about his affair, that it was because “we didn’t talk”. Well, we didn’t talk because I had built up 18 years of asking, getting mad, reasoning with him about how his drinking affected me and our kids. We didn’t talk because I was lowest on the totem pole after work, drinking, coaching other kids, friends, our son, our daughter, then me. In that order. We didn’t talk because it was only ever about him, never a compliment or an interest in me. So of course I was resentful. And he could only see the resentment. Not the cause of that resentment. It took time for me to understand that. To stop thinking that she must be so much more interesting to talk to. No. He just didn’t have to deal with reality with her.
Two years after we split, I came to find out that she broke it off with him at some point (when he was still with me or after I’m not sure) because he passed out from drinking while on the phone with her. She finally saw reality too.
Once you get distance, which is hard to see now, you will be able to see that all she is is an escape from his reality. Someone to tell him how great he is without knowing the true him. We know the truth. That is what he wants to escape from. Himself.
IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU AT ALL!!! I’m sure your self esteem and self confidence are in the basement right now. But please believe that you are not crazy. You didn’t cause him to “talk to” another woman. You are important. You are worthy. You are enough!!!!! More than enough because you have tried to help him for all these years.
There came a time when I found out he was with her again. It was the final straw that I had been waiting to drop for a long time. I was finally done. I packed his things and left them out for him to pick up. Because I deserved more respect and I didn’t deserve a life with someone who refused to look at himself and who ran from himself with alcohol and “talking” to someone else. And you deserve it too. Life isn’t perfect yet. I’m working on why I chose a man like that and why I stayed, but I am no longer being disrespected. I am at the top of the totem pole. You deserve that too!!

Forevertoolong

Oh my gosh tired your AH sounds similar to my now X AH. He often complained that I was no fun, not wild enough, not as loose as I used to be, why could I not drink more and smoke joints with him etc. We have 3 kids, I couldn't maintain the partying lifestyle when I (we!) had that level of responsbility. Silly me expected him to grow up as well, but when it comes to addicition there is no rhyme or reason. It just an awful rollercoaster that you desperately want to stop and get off, but you can't control it.

I feel so incredibly liberated being separated. Don't get me wrong, it is still hard at times - especially when he is being all wonderful with the kids, helping in the community etc - but that ugly little monster called addiction will always sit on his shoulder and will always be his no. 1 love. There is no room for me. And the next woman will also be the third wheel - or an enabler/fellow substance abuser. What true joy or true connection is there in that?! None.

I deserve more.

Sending you lots of strength, it took me doing ALOT of work on myself and building my self-worth to finally decide enough was enough and leave.

ChloeRose63

"Nothing changes if nothing changes" and the change has to start with you.
You don't have a life with an alcoholic because his first love will always be the "drink". In fact, you are low priority to him. Someone he uses for selfish purposes. Is that how you want to live?
How long and how much wasted energy are you going to spend?
Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings? You need to educate yourself to put yourself first.

Ann

You're not crazy, you are strong and wise and own your own thoughts and instincts. Trust them.

Make your plan, even if you don't use it, and don't share it right now with him. Just prepare for what you would do if you left, see a lawyer to protect your rights (and your share of ownership in your home), and then keep taking care of yourself through counseling, sharing and just making your life yours again.

You deserve so much better, don't let anyone tell you that you don't.

Hugs

D122y

Your alky 2 timing hubby is not in his right mind. Active addicts are possessed. They can pretend they are normal and ok, but the booze is the leader.

If you stay with him, stranger things have happened, you probably need to get another man too. If he has another women, you get a man. Enjoy yourself. Don't sit/sleep alone while he is with another women.

If you leave him, you get half. Half of a lifetime of earnings is usually pretty good.

Leaving someone doesn't mean starting over, it means new adventures. Decades spent with the same person is not lost time. It is a chapter in our life's book.

Lucky for me, I tend to generally only to remember the good in my life. There are times when my failures flood over me, but generally I tend toward a happy balance. Hopefully, you do as well.

I used to say, run away as fast as you can when it comes to active addicts.

Not any more.

You just need to understand that when dealing with a drunk, it is anything can happen time. You have to only trust yourself and be ready to laugh when you can. When you hubby gets drunk, you are doing the right thing by getting away. It is the only way to be sure you are going to be safe.

Drunks have committed murder and don't remember doing it. The brain damage from drinking is progressive. The drunk just gets insidiously worse and worse.

Often times they blame what is happening on other things. I know I did.

Thanks.

TropicalWinter

My alcholic/addict ex was also a cheater. I have found lifesaving wisdom here at SR and also at chumplady.com, a blog about gaining a life after a spouse cheats. It's worth a visit.

Sueby

The cheating is the hardest part of the drinking. AH talks to everyone under the sun when he’s drinking, I’ve given up caring because he doesn’t even leave the house anymore... or shower. He’s not much of a catch right now lol.

But oh my lord the lying bothers me so much! My AH just informed several people that I recently beat him with the dogs leash while we were walking the dog. Firstly, he hasn’t taken a walk in months unless it was into a liquor store and secondly, a DOG LEASH?? I mean, come on, at least give me a cast iron frying pan if we’re making things up!! My dignity suffered a bit with that one hahahaha!

ChloeRose63

How are you doing today, Tired?

SmallButMighty

This stood out to me...

Seems like she is repeating her own toxic pattern.

Two days is nothing in the scope of things. Please don't think they are about to waltz off into the sunset in a sober bliss. This won't happen. Addiction doesn't work that way.

As everyone else has said, you are not crazy. You may very well FEEL crazy. I absolutely did, while I can now admit that was mostly my own doing, my AXH certainly played his part in manipulating me to feel that way. I would suggest owning your own part in any dysfunctional behaviour, but you most assuredly do not need to shoulder any burden he tries to foist upon you. Alcoholics are very good at deflecting any and all of the blame for their rotten behaviour on to other people.

His thought, his behaviour, his actions, his addiction.. that's all on him. I am very sorry that it has affected you so deeply. I know that pain and I empathize. *hugs*