Making amends?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 1
Making amends?
Hi all. I'm wondering if any qualifiers have ever reached out to you while working the 12 Steps to make amends for the harm they have caused you? I'd be interested to hear your stories on that. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Hi Leopold, welcome to Soberrecovery.
My qualifier did get sober but never did AA. Consequently he didn't formally make amends to me; however decades after I left him, he told me that I did exactly the right thing when I left.
What is going on with you?
My qualifier did get sober but never did AA. Consequently he didn't formally make amends to me; however decades after I left him, he told me that I did exactly the right thing when I left.
What is going on with you?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Hello Leopold
I can only speak for myself, I am a recovering alkie with over ten years sober and I am married to an active drinker.
I made my amends when I had enough recovery work under my belt. They were well received. I was careful not to push or apply pressure, also not to say sorry then follow it up with finger pointing at the person I was saying sorry to.
My drinking husband has made amends to me after a fashion. As an active drinker, he was very limited as, of course, part of making amends is the apology but more importantly, it is about the changed behaviour and not repeating it all.
What I have found very helpful from my hubby was him owning up to all the things he had been doing over the years. All his denial and gaslighting stuff. Which I recognised as such at the time he was doing it, but for him to put his hand up and own it was very liberating for me. I was very surprised he did it. No doubt as an active drinker, he was doing it for his benefit not mine, as that is how they work.
He has helped my heal my childhood wounds with this work we were able to do together.
As I say though, if the person is still drinking they aren't real amends but in my case, it has helped a lot. I will take what healing I can get.
This is my experience, yours might be different.
I can only speak for myself, I am a recovering alkie with over ten years sober and I am married to an active drinker.
I made my amends when I had enough recovery work under my belt. They were well received. I was careful not to push or apply pressure, also not to say sorry then follow it up with finger pointing at the person I was saying sorry to.
My drinking husband has made amends to me after a fashion. As an active drinker, he was very limited as, of course, part of making amends is the apology but more importantly, it is about the changed behaviour and not repeating it all.
What I have found very helpful from my hubby was him owning up to all the things he had been doing over the years. All his denial and gaslighting stuff. Which I recognised as such at the time he was doing it, but for him to put his hand up and own it was very liberating for me. I was very surprised he did it. No doubt as an active drinker, he was doing it for his benefit not mine, as that is how they work.
He has helped my heal my childhood wounds with this work we were able to do together.
As I say though, if the person is still drinking they aren't real amends but in my case, it has helped a lot. I will take what healing I can get.
This is my experience, yours might be different.
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