Testing the waters
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Testing the waters
I think on of my last threads was about a weekend trip my AH and I had planned. He is aware I will not go anywhere with him when he's been drinking (events, restaurant, shopping). Now we're approaching yet another scheduled activity tomorrow and he's been drinking last 2 days.
I'm trying hard to focus on me and my wellbeing. Disappointment is becoming a normal feeling and I am not willing to accept that as normal.
My first observation is obviously making plans in advance is futile. Drinking will come before and above anything else. At this stage any way.
A possible solution would be to refrain from pre-planning these types of things. I'm not sure this solution is all that feasible when reservations or tickets etc are necessary. But that's the only thing I'm coming up with at the moment.
Am I being petty? Is this yet another way to control his behavior? I'm feeling like I'm overthinking and need some ideas how to protect me from disappointment. Is it more about how I let myself feel or the response to his actions really the issue I should focus on maybe?
I'm trying hard to focus on me and my wellbeing. Disappointment is becoming a normal feeling and I am not willing to accept that as normal.
My first observation is obviously making plans in advance is futile. Drinking will come before and above anything else. At this stage any way.
A possible solution would be to refrain from pre-planning these types of things. I'm not sure this solution is all that feasible when reservations or tickets etc are necessary. But that's the only thing I'm coming up with at the moment.
Am I being petty? Is this yet another way to control his behavior? I'm feeling like I'm overthinking and need some ideas how to protect me from disappointment. Is it more about how I let myself feel or the response to his actions really the issue I should focus on maybe?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
If I'm making plans with an unreliable person, I can have a backup plan (or 2). Maybe invite a friend/family member, or even go on a solo getaway. When I make plans that don't rely on the unreliable, I am also free to make decisions about how I spend my time. I don't have to wait for someone else to change their behavior.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
If I'm making plans with an unreliable person, I can have a backup plan (or 2). Maybe invite a friend/family member, or even go on a solo getaway. When I make plans that don't rely on the unreliable, I am also free to make decisions about how I spend my time. I don't have to wait for someone else to change their behavior.
I'm glad all won't be lost, even already prepared for all hell breaking loose when he learns we aren't going to do planned activity and I'm instead going out with his mom.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HU......who wouldn't be disappointed I think that 99 per cent of humans would be disappointed after they look forward to and event...plan around it....go through the trouble of getting tickets and reservations and ;making payment. Maybe an emotional robot wouldn't be disappointed...lol
Moreover, if you have already experienced that he is likely to drink.....very, very likely to drink before the preplanned occasions (and bring disappointment)....what would be the logic in continuing to plan for these occasions? Even if you Did hope that this could curtail his drinking.----it doesn't seem to be working. He still drinks and you reap disappointment.
Maybe, a better plan would be to only go places with him when the opportunity Spontaneously appears and he happens to be sober at the time.
Another very good option, for you, might be to start going places or events by yourself. Things that you have an interest in. If he wants to go along, AND he happens to be sober at the time, and it is possible for you to take him----Great!
The whole idea would be to enable you to detach from his alcoholic behaviors, while honoring your choice of remaining in the relationship.
Like unhitching your wagon from his Star.
Moreover, if you have already experienced that he is likely to drink.....very, very likely to drink before the preplanned occasions (and bring disappointment)....what would be the logic in continuing to plan for these occasions? Even if you Did hope that this could curtail his drinking.----it doesn't seem to be working. He still drinks and you reap disappointment.
Maybe, a better plan would be to only go places with him when the opportunity Spontaneously appears and he happens to be sober at the time.
Another very good option, for you, might be to start going places or events by yourself. Things that you have an interest in. If he wants to go along, AND he happens to be sober at the time, and it is possible for you to take him----Great!
The whole idea would be to enable you to detach from his alcoholic behaviors, while honoring your choice of remaining in the relationship.
Like unhitching your wagon from his Star.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
You are not being petty, and you are not controlling his behavior.
He has shown you repeatedly how much he cares about your feelings and
your plans by drinking. He is going to drink and you should definitely
make plans that do not include him. And you can expect him to throw
a temper tantrum much like a two year old who doesn't get their way.
You can always state the reality of his behavior and remind him you
have tried to include him and he preferred to drink. His choice.
He has shown you repeatedly how much he cares about your feelings and
your plans by drinking. He is going to drink and you should definitely
make plans that do not include him. And you can expect him to throw
a temper tantrum much like a two year old who doesn't get their way.
You can always state the reality of his behavior and remind him you
have tried to include him and he preferred to drink. His choice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by dandylion
..what would be the logic in continuing to plan for these occasions? Even if you Did hope that this could curtail his drinking.----it doesn't seem to be working. He still drinks and you reap disappointment.
Maybe, a better plan would be to only go places with him when the opportunity Spontaneously appears and he happens to be sober at the time.
Another very good option, for you, might be to start going places or events by yourself. Things that you have an interest in. If he wants to go along, AND he happens to be sober at the time, and it is possible for you to take him----Great!
The whole idea would be to enable you to detach from his alcoholic behaviors, while honoring your choice of remaining in the relationship.
Like unhitching your wagon from his Star.
Maybe, a better plan would be to only go places with him when the opportunity Spontaneously appears and he happens to be sober at the time.
Another very good option, for you, might be to start going places or events by yourself. Things that you have an interest in. If he wants to go along, AND he happens to be sober at the time, and it is possible for you to take him----Great!
The whole idea would be to enable you to detach from his alcoholic behaviors, while honoring your choice of remaining in the relationship.
Like unhitching your wagon from his Star.
Yes, was sort of thinking too of doing spontaneous activities instead. I know I need to get a life of my own, I really really do. I am embarrassed how little I go out of our house (other than work) without him. It's pretty much a huge step I need to do for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
You are not being petty, and you are not controlling his behavior.
He has shown you repeatedly how much he cares about your feelings and
your plans by drinking. He is going to drink and you should definitely
make plans that do not include him. And you can expect him to throw
a temper tantrum much like a two year old who doesn't get their way.
You can always state the reality of his behavior and remind him you
have tried to include him and he preferred to drink. His choice.
He has shown you repeatedly how much he cares about your feelings and
your plans by drinking. He is going to drink and you should definitely
make plans that do not include him. And you can expect him to throw
a temper tantrum much like a two year old who doesn't get their way.
You can always state the reality of his behavior and remind him you
have tried to include him and he preferred to drink. His choice.
I am already bracing for his tantrum. I expect a huge one. He is upset because he sees changes in how I interact with him. It's scaring him I guess because I'm getting stronger and not reactive. Manipulation doesn't get me far, to a different room that's about it. He has become aware that I go to zoom Al-Anon meetings and online support(here). When he's sober he thinks it's great for me he says. When he's drinking its sly comments about how I'll get brainwashed. So of course it will not be his drinking causing the change of plans. It will be "all those people brainwashing me". 🤷😜
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by HopeUnending
The lack of logic was what sort of clicked with me today which got me thinking why bother planning anything when it never has worked out especially in the last several months. I didn't intentionally make plans to get him not to drink. But I guess it could look that way, 😔.
Yes, was sort of thinking too of doing spontaneous activities instead. I know I need to get a life of my own, I really really do. I am embarrassed how little I go out of our house (other than work) without him. It's pretty much a huge step I need to do for me.
Yes, was sort of thinking too of doing spontaneous activities instead. I know I need to get a life of my own, I really really do. I am embarrassed how little I go out of our house (other than work) without him. It's pretty much a huge step I need to do for me.
Be kind to yourself, yes?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Well, we are still in a pandemic. It’s not surprising you haven’t had a bunch of social stuff going on, right?
Be kind to yourself, yes?
Be kind to yourself, yes?
I do need to be more kind to myself, you are so right!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I learnt that with my alkie hubby he was always keen to make plans but they never actually happened.
He really enjoys the planning of events, holidays etc but when the time to go arrives he never wants to go.
In our early relationship we lost quite a few deposits put on holidays we booked.
I started doing my own stuff with my pals. Hubby did not like it one bit, as mentioned above, big tantrums thrown.
He really enjoys the planning of events, holidays etc but when the time to go arrives he never wants to go.
In our early relationship we lost quite a few deposits put on holidays we booked.
I started doing my own stuff with my pals. Hubby did not like it one bit, as mentioned above, big tantrums thrown.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
The pandemic has thrown us all for a loop. Work is what passes for my social life these days, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone.
No, you're not being petty and you're not controlling him by refusing to plan things - you're circumscribing you own life to accommodate his behavior.
No, you're not being petty and you're not controlling him by refusing to plan things - you're circumscribing you own life to accommodate his behavior.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Sorry, but I think his real opinion about alanon is that it is brainwashing
you, he just says the right thing when he's sober. Anytime behaviors change,
even when it is for the utmost best, an active alcoholic will ramp up their
drama because they (like a two year old) want what they want and when
they want it. Change is a threat to that, so just expect it and gray rock/medium
chill him when he starts his performances meant to make you stay the
same - which is to tolerate an unhealthy relationship that is affecting
you in a negative, unhealthy way. The more isolated a spouse becomes,
the worse the situation continues to become. With the pandemic, many
people have been forced into 24-7 contact with addicts, and this is
so unfortunate. So make plans and get out, do it now, as safely as you
can. Don't ever argue with him about it, just do it.
you, he just says the right thing when he's sober. Anytime behaviors change,
even when it is for the utmost best, an active alcoholic will ramp up their
drama because they (like a two year old) want what they want and when
they want it. Change is a threat to that, so just expect it and gray rock/medium
chill him when he starts his performances meant to make you stay the
same - which is to tolerate an unhealthy relationship that is affecting
you in a negative, unhealthy way. The more isolated a spouse becomes,
the worse the situation continues to become. With the pandemic, many
people have been forced into 24-7 contact with addicts, and this is
so unfortunate. So make plans and get out, do it now, as safely as you
can. Don't ever argue with him about it, just do it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by HopeUnending
He has become aware that I go to zoom Al-Anon meetings and online support(here). When he's sober he thinks it's great for me he says. When he's drinking its sly comments about how I'll get brainwashed. So of course it will not be his drinking causing the change of plans. It will be "all those people brainwashing me". 🤷😜
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Sorry, but I think his real opinion about alanon is that it is brainwashing
you, he just says the right thing when he's sober. Anytime behaviors change,
even when it is for the utmost best, an active alcoholic will ramp up their
drama because they (like a two year old) want what they want and when
they want it. Change is a threat to that, so just expect it and gray rock/medium
chill him when he starts his performances meant to make you stay the
same - which is to tolerate an unhealthy relationship that is affecting
you in a negative, unhealthy way. The more isolated a spouse becomes,
the worse the situation continues to become. With the pandemic, many
people have been forced into 24-7 contact with addicts, and this is
so unfortunate. So make plans and get out, do it now, as safely as you
can. Don't ever argue with him about it, just do it.
you, he just says the right thing when he's sober. Anytime behaviors change,
even when it is for the utmost best, an active alcoholic will ramp up their
drama because they (like a two year old) want what they want and when
they want it. Change is a threat to that, so just expect it and gray rock/medium
chill him when he starts his performances meant to make you stay the
same - which is to tolerate an unhealthy relationship that is affecting
you in a negative, unhealthy way. The more isolated a spouse becomes,
the worse the situation continues to become. With the pandemic, many
people have been forced into 24-7 contact with addicts, and this is
so unfortunate. So make plans and get out, do it now, as safely as you
can. Don't ever argue with him about it, just do it.
He's been vomiting and detoxing since last night. I haven't told him but he won't argue about it in this state any way. 😊
Originally Posted by velma929
The pandemic has thrown us all for a loop. Work is what passes for my social life these days, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone.
No, you're not being petty and you're not controlling him by refusing to plan things - you're circumscribing you own life to accommodate his behavior.
No, you're not being petty and you're not controlling him by refusing to plan things - you're circumscribing you own life to accommodate his behavior.
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I learnt that with my alkie hubby he was always keen to make plans but they never actually happened.
He really enjoys the planning of events, holidays etc but when the time to go arrives he never wants to go.
In our early relationship we lost quite a few deposits put on holidays we booked.
I started doing my own stuff with my pals. Hubby did not like it one bit, as mentioned above, big tantrums thrown.
He really enjoys the planning of events, holidays etc but when the time to go arrives he never wants to go.
In our early relationship we lost quite a few deposits put on holidays we booked.
I started doing my own stuff with my pals. Hubby did not like it one bit, as mentioned above, big tantrums thrown.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
I'm happy with choosing to go support his niece's performance tonight. His nieces and nephews used to love having their fun uncle around. But he's progressed deeper and he hasn't see them much over last couple years. They understand to a degree appropriate for their ages about his problem.
I feel intense sadness for him today. I believe he truly hates alcohol and the problems it has caused him. He's been an alcoholic since around 15 yrs old. He kicked the drugs years ago but alcohol has trapped him for what seems to be until his death. He may fight the fight again, I don't know. I do know his health is getting worse. I can see signs of severe liver damage just looking at him. Sadness for him is new for me, it's a sadness like grief. I sense he's reaching a place where even alcohol is letting him down, body shuts down on him after only a couple days drinking when he used to go round the clock for several days.
A family friend is burying her husband (an alcoholic) today from untreated cirrhosis, multiple organ failure. He was only a few years older than my husband. She too kept the alcoholic a family secret. I only learned it through my MIL as he was in hospital these last days. It's making me feel so much emotion today. Because I can see me walking in these shoes in the not so distant future.
I'm glad I've begun recovery for myself with this group and Al-Anon. I finally have stopped keeping my feelings locked away. I don't feel alone for the first time in years! Thank you all!
I feel intense sadness for him today. I believe he truly hates alcohol and the problems it has caused him. He's been an alcoholic since around 15 yrs old. He kicked the drugs years ago but alcohol has trapped him for what seems to be until his death. He may fight the fight again, I don't know. I do know his health is getting worse. I can see signs of severe liver damage just looking at him. Sadness for him is new for me, it's a sadness like grief. I sense he's reaching a place where even alcohol is letting him down, body shuts down on him after only a couple days drinking when he used to go round the clock for several days.
A family friend is burying her husband (an alcoholic) today from untreated cirrhosis, multiple organ failure. He was only a few years older than my husband. She too kept the alcoholic a family secret. I only learned it through my MIL as he was in hospital these last days. It's making me feel so much emotion today. Because I can see me walking in these shoes in the not so distant future.
I'm glad I've begun recovery for myself with this group and Al-Anon. I finally have stopped keeping my feelings locked away. I don't feel alone for the first time in years! Thank you all!
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
I’m sorry that he’s missing out on these events, it is his loss but so hard when they don’t see what they’re doing to themselves and others. I’m glad you’re doing what you need for yourself, the process sucks but makes a world of difference.
My grandson keeps asking to see his papa, and it’s heartbreaking to have to say we can’t because papa’s “sick”. He’s not really an appropriate person for a 3 1/2 yo to hang out with, even infrequently.
My grandson keeps asking to see his papa, and it’s heartbreaking to have to say we can’t because papa’s “sick”. He’s not really an appropriate person for a 3 1/2 yo to hang out with, even infrequently.
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