Mashabo

When was that moment you realized “I’m over my ex and can fall in love with someone else”? Especially the ones who has been through divorce.
How long did it take you?
What happened to love that you felt to your ex? Did it just fade away with time or did it transform itself?
Did you compare the next partner with your ex?

I’m curious about all this as for now I can’t really imagine anyone else, but I want to be hopeful!

SparkleKitty

Heh -- for me it was one swift moment of being done...that came at the end of ten months of coming out of denial about who he was, who I was, and what our relationship had actually been.

Who can say what happens to love? I personally believe that love, like energy, is not created or destroyed it just changes. I accept my XABF for who he was, as opposed to who I wished he was or tried to build him up to be--is that not a kind of love, transformed? I love my husband, and it has nothing to do with what I felt for my XABF or anyone else I've been in a relationship with. But love is only part of the equation. I also like my husband. I respect him. I admire him. I trust him. Those are things built over time, between the two of us, and I think if I was holding on to anything about a previous relationship while that was happening it would have made all of that difficult.

All that really means is...be hopeful, but take your time. There's no rush. Build your relationship with yourself before you dive into another one. Relationships with others don't fix us or make us whole. Only a relationship with ourselves can do that.

SmallButMighty

Of course getting over a break up and moving on is defined differently for everybody. Many factors play into the process. My alcoholic ex husband and I were together many years, we grew into adults together and raised a family together. The divorce was contentious and painful. I knew even in my darkest and angriest moments that I still loved my AXH...I didn't like him, and I hated some of his behavior (still do), but I loved him...I couldn't trust him and I'd lost respect for him, but I loved him. I think one of the most valuable things I did for myself was to give myself permission to keep loving him...from a distance. My children exist because of the love I shared with their father, I'm not willing to pretend that wasn't precious.. that matters to me, a lot. I can allow the depth of what that love meant/means to me remain, while knowing that we are no longer compatible human beings. I have grown and changed too much to ever allow anyone to treat me the way he did, no matter what his "reasons" were. He is a sick man who still does not want to get well, I was a sick woman who did want to get well and fought like hell to achieve that. We were not a healthy couple, we were not being good to each other, it was for the best we went our separate ways. I could not have regained my health had I stayed... but it hurt like hell to leave. I think it will always ache a little, but that's preferable to living each day in agony and anxiety, married to a man you don't trust.

I have moved on. I physically moved far away from where I lived with my ex and I did remarry about three years after AXH and I split. My second marriage is much different from my first. It is number two for both of us, his first wife was also a problematic drinker, so we both entered into our new relationship with very strong boundaries about what we did NOT want in a partner. We did have a maturity and wisdom we did not/could not have possessed when we each married the first time at 20yrs old.

I have not sat down and written out a pro/con list for each of the two men I've been married to, but it's impossible not to notice the differences. I imagine that can be said about any two people you send the majority of your time with though. I certainly trust my second husband far more than I trusted the first one. My current husband doesn't act in any way deceitful. He's moral, and ethical, and honest. He is considerate of other people. He is respectful. It would be hard not to notice those kinds of differences... my ex wasn't any of these things by the time I left.

I don't think there is a specific timing for "getting over" a love. It takes as long as it takes, just like any other form of grief. You can't rush it, and you can't get around it, you have to go through it. It's a process, it isn't like the pain is there one day and gone the next. As I said, giving myself permission to love my AXH from a distance was one of the most healing things I did for myself. It was less painful and exhausting than trying to deny it or fight it. He has his own special place in a secluded part of my heart.. but the rest of me is getting on about living a happy, healthy, satisfying life that does not include any of his alcoholic chaos. I certainly prefer this way of living.

(Obviously, what worked for me isn't the answer for everybody!...just sharing my experience)

trailmix

I'm thinking of a horrible relationship I had (started out ok but yeah didn't end well). I never consciously thought that I don't think, it kind of just happened. From the time I went no contact until the time I was dating someone else was about 6 months. There was the pre-amble to that of course, the actual break up, him moving away, us staying in contact daily - until I stopped that.

I had started going out (like out in groups, drinks/dancing etc) after about 4 months. This was really to just get out there in the world again and meet people, maybe make some new friends, I wasn't looking for anyone.

Now that's just me and that person was not an addict, just really messed up lol - and there was that whole preamble - so when no-contact finally came, while it was very, very hard, I was in a place where I could handle that.

You have had a big shock, so it might perhaps take longer.

Also, since it is so early on, you probably still think of him like - oh me and X used to eat dinner there, X would like this movie, remember when X and I would go shopping etc etc.

That might go on for some time. I got rid of that when I got angry (which you might eventually) and took back ownership of my world That is my store and this is my city and I am eating dinner there and I like this movie (you get the idea).

It's not all that predictable. When I finally got angry I held on to it until I got tired of it and realized I didn't need it anymore (missing him, thinking about him in a kind way), I was free of those feelings. Then I let it drop and things progressed well after that.

Different things work for different people. It does take as long as it takes but there are absolutely methods, reading, ideas, perspectives that will make it easier for you and perhaps help propel you out of it.

As everyone says, I'm sure it's a great idea to look inward and really examine what you want and don't want in your life and what you won't allow going forward. I tend to be introspective in dribs and drabs lol - but I know myself pretty well now, it's an ongoing process.

Ariesagain

It took me about a year. Like an idiot, I was separated from my husband for about ten months when I managed to get into an even messier relationship. Brilliant choices, no? 🙄

So that mess took another 18 months of up and down nightmare to blow up...and then I finally went no contact. And I found a kickass therapist and didn’t date anyone for an entire year. Then I met another narcissist alcoholic, because I was still partially a jackass magnet, apparently...but the very good news is that I saw him for what he was almost immediately and dumped him in six weeks.

The following year I met my husband of thirty years.

It takes time and I suspect how much is very individual. But getting to the place where you’re content with yourself and trust your own judgment before trying to move on to another relationship is important.

One step, another step, repeat. And breathe. You’re doing great!

LifeRecovery

For me, it has been less about another person and more about myself.

For me the questions have been: How long can it take me to fall in love with myself? When can I trust myself to have boundaries because of my relationship with myself, and I know I am worth the discomfort that they may cause in another?

I have not yet forgiven my ex fully but I am starting to be grateful to him. He was not behaving at me, but expressing his own hurt and discomfort in the world. If I had not been with him, I am not sure I would have dug into my recovery and been as happy as I am today. He has helped me to see how individual our journey's are, and that my premise and assumptions about relationships needed to shift. In other words my healing has become less about another person, and more about myself, as an individual in the world I live in. For me it is also about the fact that I am entitled to my own feelings and opinions and to take up space in the world.

My therapist said a wise thing once about this topic. Two "sick" people can be in relationship. Two "well" people can be in relationship. It is often very hard to "be" in relationship when one person is well (or working on it) and the other person is sick. I have taken that to heart and I now realize my job is to be well so I can bring other well people into my life.

velma929

I never had the guts to leave. Sadly, I was unfaithful to my husband.
In some weird ways the 'other guy' couldn't compare to my husband. Though I considered leaving my husband, it was at a different point(s) in our marriage, I wasn't going to leave him for 'this guy.' In fact, there was an odd disconnect in my head that told me if I could carve out just a little happiness in my private life, I could stand to stay married to my husband. So when people opine "If ___ loved you, s/he'd never cheat," well, not so fast. It isn't that cut and dried.

Looking back, I should have left, and we both would have been free to seek happiness (whatever that meant to each of us) without hiding and sneaking around.

I've known divorced people that still love their exes - but realize living with them would be a bad idea.

In widow-hood, I evolved to the point where I understood I may never meet one special person to share my life with (At my age, it's more difficult) I grew to be okay with that.

Zevin

Great question and even better answers. I’ve been wondering the same thing....

ErinGoBragh

I realized it when I didn't feel the desire or need to even consider falling in love with someone else. I was perfectly content to live out my life without another partner. And I'm very glad I made that decision. My life is tranquil, peaceful, stress-free, and quiet. For me, it was the fact that I was so worn out and worn down from all the alcoholic's insanity, that I made up my mind just enjoying my life and LIVING IT was enough. JMO.

Mashabo

Thank you, guys! All your answers are very helpful, many wise thing that I can point out to myself!

Sleepyhollo

I really started detaching from my now ex in 2014. My kid started school and I finally started to make some mom friends to hang out with. I didn’t even detach consciously to be honest I think just meeting other people and keeping me busy with that made it easier. In 2015 I realized how unhappy in really was and finally started to see that I could not continue like i was after he had started drinking again after being a dry drunk for a year. At that point I decided I was gonna let him drink and not say anything anymore and hope that he would hit rock bottom. Except for I hit rock bottom before he did. He did end up going to rehab and got clean but honestly in retrospect I think I was done with him. My feeling were gone I was disgusted with him. That was 2016. I started doing a lot of therapy to help me with my codependency issues. In 2018 we divorced and I never shed a tear. I was just done and happy I could breathe again. There’s s very little that I miss and what I miss most is easy travel and not having any financial concerns at all. I don’t honestly miss anything about him because really our relationship had not been going well for quite some time and I became more and more resentful,.

All that to say that I didn’t need time to get over him but more the situation I had been in if that makes sense? My love for him was honestly long gone and I had just kept up appearances mostly because I was afraid a
to actually accept that I didn’t love him anymore.

I’m 2 years out from divorce and I honestly have no desire to date. It is the first time in my life I’m single as an adult and I really had to learn who I am on my own. I’ve always been the wife of...(married twice). I have also learned a lot about myself in therapy and want I want and don’t want. I admit I’m a lot more skeptical and less trusting of people and tend to psychoanalyze people more just in general. Even though my codependency issues have improved a lot but deep down I’m still afraid to attach to quickly. I’m not against dating per se but I’m not searching it out. If I happen to meet someone and we really hit it off I’m open to it but I’m honestly content not having anyone to answer to other than my kid.

I have a FWB but we only see each other a couple of times a year and I admit I do miss intimacy (I honestly didn’t even know what intimacy was the last few years of my marriage and didn’t even know to what I was missing anymore) and sometimes it would be nice to have someone. But not enough I guess to just jump into any relationship. On top of that where I live it is hard to meet people in general, even more so my age and add covid to that and it’s even harder. I’m pretty happy just being single after all those years of turmoil. I know that I really needed it. Sometimes I do wonder if it will be harder to find someone because I have learned so much about myself and others that i might over analyze people and myself too much. But for now I am fine and we will see what the future hold. Honestly with all the issues my friends are having that are married being single might just be the better option anyway!

sevenofnine

It sort of took 14 years, and it sort of took only 4 months.
I guess I knew really early on my relationship with xah was doomed. But, took 14 years and so many disappointing relapses to believe the pattern would continue and I would not indeed be able to fix him. For our last year, though I was staying because of family pressure from my parents and this marriage counselor who mysteriously advised me to stay with my abuser, so I felt I owed it to my kids to try.
Which meant that when he presented me with that last relapse I was relieved because I could leave and know I tried my best but it didn't work. So I was really ready to move on. I questioned it for about 6 hours on day three because single parenting young childre while managing chronic pain was intimidating. But otherwise, it just finally clicked that xah had made it clear what life with him would be like, and I was better off without.
it took me about 4-5 months for me to get my act together as a single person, like to just handle my life's routine responsibilities. And then I started noticing men again. And noticing my own interest.
But it sunk in that I had moved on when one night, about 5 months after we split, xah had dropped off my kids while he had a new girlfriend with him. No jealousy. I felt happy for him and relieved for him to be wrapped up in someone else, for them to deal with.
And I compare my new man frequently, because he is very different. I cringe at how I hooked up with a trashy dirt bag for so long. He literally appears like a troll to me now, as though a spell has been broken and I can actually see him for what he is.