First time talking about husband's issues
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Join Date: Mar 2021
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First time talking about husband's issues
Hello. This is my first time ever talking to anyone or posting about this. I'm at a loss and unsure of what to do next, and this is my first attempt at trying to figure out how to really deal with this.
For background, I'm 38, husband is is 44, and we have a 4 and a 2 year old. I work full time (currently working remote from home until office reopens), he is supposed to be a stay at home dad.
He won't or can't stop drinking too much. He routinely goes through an 18 or 24 pack in a day/evening. He sneaks beers in the morning when he thinks he can do it without me noticing. He often goes on even worse binges - this past new years, we were gone for a long weekend and he went through three cases of beer, 2 bottles of scotch, and some other random drinks.
I have tried repeatedly talked to him about this, to make some progress, to help/support, etc. In the beginning, I tried to be very gentle and say things like "I'm a bit concerned with how much you're drinking lately..." At this point, I am still trying to be kind but have at least told him that (1) I don't want to sit here and watch him drink himself to death, and I don't want our kids to see that either, (2) I don't feel like I can always count on him, (3) it has affected my closeness with him, (4) he is hurting me, and (5) I believe he needs professional help.
Has has promised over and over that he can get a handle on this, that he will stop, that this time drying out will be the last time. His usual pattern is that after a particularly excessive binge weekend, he'll stay in bed Monday and Tuesday, "coming off of it," telling me that this is the last time. He'll go a few days without drinking and then say he has it under control, I'll remind him that whenever he starts back up he doesn't seem to be able to control himself for more than a day, he gets upset with me for saying so, and so on and so forth. After this last time around, he promised that this time it would absolutely be under control, and if it wasn't he would get help. He's drank every day for the last week, and yesterday was so drunk by afternoon he was slurring his words and swaying on his feet.
He does not watch our kids or perform his role as stay at home dad. I am trying to take care of both kids all day while managing my full time job.
I am exhausted, tired, and I feel like I am becoming a bitter and resentful person.
For background, I'm 38, husband is is 44, and we have a 4 and a 2 year old. I work full time (currently working remote from home until office reopens), he is supposed to be a stay at home dad.
He won't or can't stop drinking too much. He routinely goes through an 18 or 24 pack in a day/evening. He sneaks beers in the morning when he thinks he can do it without me noticing. He often goes on even worse binges - this past new years, we were gone for a long weekend and he went through three cases of beer, 2 bottles of scotch, and some other random drinks.
I have tried repeatedly talked to him about this, to make some progress, to help/support, etc. In the beginning, I tried to be very gentle and say things like "I'm a bit concerned with how much you're drinking lately..." At this point, I am still trying to be kind but have at least told him that (1) I don't want to sit here and watch him drink himself to death, and I don't want our kids to see that either, (2) I don't feel like I can always count on him, (3) it has affected my closeness with him, (4) he is hurting me, and (5) I believe he needs professional help.
Has has promised over and over that he can get a handle on this, that he will stop, that this time drying out will be the last time. His usual pattern is that after a particularly excessive binge weekend, he'll stay in bed Monday and Tuesday, "coming off of it," telling me that this is the last time. He'll go a few days without drinking and then say he has it under control, I'll remind him that whenever he starts back up he doesn't seem to be able to control himself for more than a day, he gets upset with me for saying so, and so on and so forth. After this last time around, he promised that this time it would absolutely be under control, and if it wasn't he would get help. He's drank every day for the last week, and yesterday was so drunk by afternoon he was slurring his words and swaying on his feet.
He does not watch our kids or perform his role as stay at home dad. I am trying to take care of both kids all day while managing my full time job.
I am exhausted, tired, and I feel like I am becoming a bitter and resentful person.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
So sorry that you are having to endure this. You are not alone. Many do what you are doing a lot. From my experience I think you need to take some steps to let him know that you can't do this anymore. You have to protect you and your children. Sounds like you need to look into al anon also. Best wishes!
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 55
Hi Daisy. I’m sorry you are going through this. I lived that roller coaster until my kids were 16 and 18. I have the letter I wrote to him when I was pregnant with my second saying that if something didn’t change I wasn’t going to live like that. And I did. For 16 more years! I said the same things over and over and over and developed more and more resentment. It took him having an affair for me to finally end it.
I pray you don’t the same. I wish I had found this site when I was in the middle of it. Maybe I would have been brave enough to leave. To see that no matter what I said, I wasn’t going to fix or change him. I think it is great that you are reaching out now.
I love the book The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It’s short daily readings. I would hope that I would have been open to the messages when I was still with my husband. I’m not sure. But looking back I see that it all would have been so true if I had accepted it at the time. That I needed to let it go. To let him go. For him to suffer his own consequences and to protect myself and my kids from living the roller coaster of his alcoholism.
In hindsight my advice is to not ignore your gut. Know that nothing that you say will change him. He has to make that decision for himself...which he may or may not do (my ex still has not made that decision). Know that you are strong and can handle this for you and your kids. It will be difficult and your self esteem has probably taken a hit, but you and your kids deserve more and better...and so does your husband. But your choice to live the rollercoaster is yours and his is his.
I pray you don’t the same. I wish I had found this site when I was in the middle of it. Maybe I would have been brave enough to leave. To see that no matter what I said, I wasn’t going to fix or change him. I think it is great that you are reaching out now.
I love the book The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It’s short daily readings. I would hope that I would have been open to the messages when I was still with my husband. I’m not sure. But looking back I see that it all would have been so true if I had accepted it at the time. That I needed to let it go. To let him go. For him to suffer his own consequences and to protect myself and my kids from living the roller coaster of his alcoholism.
In hindsight my advice is to not ignore your gut. Know that nothing that you say will change him. He has to make that decision for himself...which he may or may not do (my ex still has not made that decision). Know that you are strong and can handle this for you and your kids. It will be difficult and your self esteem has probably taken a hit, but you and your kids deserve more and better...and so does your husband. But your choice to live the rollercoaster is yours and his is his.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's unfortunate that you have laid out everything you are concerned about, and how his drinking is affecting you and your relationship, and he is still not ready to make a meaningful change. This is the nature of addiction.
Accepting that we have no control over our loved one's addiction is a painful, but necessary step towards building a life that does not revolve around it.
Accepting that we have no control over our loved one's addiction is a painful, but necessary step towards building a life that does not revolve around it.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hi Daisy. Sorry for what brings you here but I'm glad you found us.
I was also the bitter and resentful wife, in my late 30s, with two kids, married to an alcoholic. My kids were older but my exhaustion still ran deep, to the bone. My AXH and I had been together since we were teenagers, I couldn't imagine a life that didn't include him, but life with him had become unbearable.
Two things really helped me get a grip on myself and start approaching my situation differently. ( Which I desperately needed to do because I had developed an anxiety disorder living in that chaos and truly felt my sanity slipping away) The two things that helped me the most were this website and the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. SoberRecoveryFriends&Family was an invaluable weath of wisdom and knowledge. No matter what stages of the journey of loving a person with addictions one happens to be in, someone here ( many someones) are in that same situation, or have been. People here understand, and feeling heard and understood provided me a strength I hadn't felt in a long time. The book Codependent No More opened my eyes in a way they'd never been opened before. The things I learned from that book about boundaries and family dynamics has changed me so much for the better I can't even put it into proper words.
I hope you stick around and keep chatting with us. We get it.
I was also the bitter and resentful wife, in my late 30s, with two kids, married to an alcoholic. My kids were older but my exhaustion still ran deep, to the bone. My AXH and I had been together since we were teenagers, I couldn't imagine a life that didn't include him, but life with him had become unbearable.
Two things really helped me get a grip on myself and start approaching my situation differently. ( Which I desperately needed to do because I had developed an anxiety disorder living in that chaos and truly felt my sanity slipping away) The two things that helped me the most were this website and the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. SoberRecoveryFriends&Family was an invaluable weath of wisdom and knowledge. No matter what stages of the journey of loving a person with addictions one happens to be in, someone here ( many someones) are in that same situation, or have been. People here understand, and feeling heard and understood provided me a strength I hadn't felt in a long time. The book Codependent No More opened my eyes in a way they'd never been opened before. The things I learned from that book about boundaries and family dynamics has changed me so much for the better I can't even put it into proper words.
I hope you stick around and keep chatting with us. We get it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Hi Daisy
I am sorry you are here but also glad you found this place.minwish I had found this place long before I did because it would have helped me so much. I was married to my now ex for 12 years, together for 16. He quit several times. Always on his own. It never lasted. A couple of mont max and then he would drink in moderation for a shower while until it got out of hand again. 2014 he drove home completely wasted after having spent the day at the office studying for his boards. I was beyond mad. He told me he realized he could never drink again and that he didn’t realize how isolating it was for me (no one knew except a couple of out of town friends). I always covered for him, he is a respected person in the community and it was out big dark secret. I suggested he seek help this time but he wanted to try one more time to do it alone. After all, because of his job he knows a ton of people and he couldn’t possibly go to AA meetings in town and next toss over is too far. In retrospect I know that that is because he wasn’t really ready to quit. He stayed clean for 13 months (other than one incidence where he took my niece’s narcotics she and from surgery. He fessed up though. It was not a great year. Dry drunk is worse than drunk. Still miserable, still tried and grumpy but no longer his crutch to cope. And of course I kept on plugging taking care of our 2 nieces and our kid, covering him any time he was too tired to do something or go somewhere. Somehow I started detaching from him subconsciously. My kid started school and I made mom friends and had things to do.
once he started drinking again I sort of realized that talking to him about it again wasn’t going to do any good. He would just keep stopping and starting again. So I decided that I was just gonna let him do his thing and see what happens. Hoping that he would get to a point himself. Well surprise, guess who hit rock bottom instead? Me. He got worse and worse. I had more and more resentment. I couldn’t stand the smell of stale alcohol when I went to bed, he soiled the bed a few times (at the time I didn’t realize that was alcohol related). I realized I could no longer go on like this. I had hit my breaking point and was actually ready to give him an ultimatum and was ready to leave if he didn’t quit and get help.
The only reason the ultimatum worked (he admitted later) was because he had gotten to the point himself that he realized he couldn’t go on like that. He needed that final kick in the butt to do something about it. He went to rehab for 3 months (mandatory if he didn’t want to lose his license) and things got more and more strained while he was in rehab. I had told him also that it could no longer be a secret and so now everyone knew and I could finally talk about it with my friends. No one had a clue he had a problem. That’s how well we hid it. Not even the adult child and late ten nieces who lived with us.
We did marriage counseling for almost two years. As time went on I realized that when I gave him the ultimatum I was already done with him despite my telling him I would give him one last chance. I think I was just afraid to admit it because I always put myself last. Marriage counseling was beneficial and necessary to discuss a lot of stuff that had happened and to get it out in the open as our communication had stopped a long time ago. But out counselor was an a.hole and total took my now ex’s side. I should be grateful that he got clean and we had this chance to start over like an arranged marriage. Expect I could not forget everything I had dealt with over the years so not exactly a clean slate. Needless to say our marriage didn’t survive. I’m glad he is clean because I was afraid of having to share custody with a drunk, a big reason I didn’t leave him sooner. I didn’t trust him with our then 8 yo. At least my kid now has a dad that is present (I did everything until we split, he wasn’t abusive just not a present and involved parent).
Like PP I too ended up having a brief fling. I regretted that it had come to that point but I don’t actually regret the fling. It opened my eyes to how unhappy I was, I had kept all my emotions an feeling bottled up inside me and just kept plugging. I realized I deserved more and that I was actually still attractive to someone (alcohol and porn really put a damper on our sex life) . I realized I couldn’t stay the way things were and it actually gave me the courage to start thinking about potentially leaving, as in giving an ultimatum and be ready to follow through with it.
i also realized that even as a medical provider I really knew very much about addiction and alcoholism. I am always one to research stuff but I think I was afraid what I would find out and so I really didn’t. Most people don’t know much About addiction unless they have lived it as an addict or a loved one. Keeping quiet and not being able to talk about it with anyone because I was ashamed was bad. I felt isolated and always made excuses for him. Getting it out in the open was necessary.
codependent no more was an eye opener for me as well. Holy codependency. I didn’t even know what that was but that was me alright. It took a lot of counseling to deal with everything and to get past the codependency. And I became an “expert” on alcoholism in a very short time. I wish I would’ve know on a lot of that beforehand, it may not have changed the outcome but I might have been able to manage better.i found this site a year after he went to rehab,
Educate yourself, understand that no amount of begging pleading will make quit. He won’t be able to quit until he admits he has a problem and until he is ready to quit for himself. He won’t ever be able to touch alcohol again and he will need professional help if that day ever comes. He won’t be able to quit on his own. Underlying psych issues need to be addressed (however minor or major they are) and he needs to learn healthy coping skills if he wants to be successful at recovery.
i would start with therapy for yourself if possible. Preferably with someone who had an addiction background/training. At least you can talk to someone. This isn’t going to get better it will only get worse unfortunately. And you have zero control over what he does. If love could cure addiction there would be no addicts.
Start thinking about an exit plan. Doesn’t mean you have to leave him now but start thinking about how that would look. Because you may hit yourself rock bottom sooner or later as well. My kid was 6 when he got clean. She just remembers him always being tired and grumpy but doesn’t really remember him being drunk (he hid it well from everyone but me). Kids will notice things aren’t good. You won’t be able to hide it, they will know something is off at some point.
Get educated so you better understand addiction. See if you can find pleasure unwoven. It is a great documentary about alcoholism that we watched in rehab during family week. Being here is a great first step so you can at least vent and unload and get some frustration out. You will also realize our stories are all very similar and that you are not alone. You will recognize yourself in al, of our stories. I wish you all the best. Addiction sucks.
I am sorry you are here but also glad you found this place.minwish I had found this place long before I did because it would have helped me so much. I was married to my now ex for 12 years, together for 16. He quit several times. Always on his own. It never lasted. A couple of mont max and then he would drink in moderation for a shower while until it got out of hand again. 2014 he drove home completely wasted after having spent the day at the office studying for his boards. I was beyond mad. He told me he realized he could never drink again and that he didn’t realize how isolating it was for me (no one knew except a couple of out of town friends). I always covered for him, he is a respected person in the community and it was out big dark secret. I suggested he seek help this time but he wanted to try one more time to do it alone. After all, because of his job he knows a ton of people and he couldn’t possibly go to AA meetings in town and next toss over is too far. In retrospect I know that that is because he wasn’t really ready to quit. He stayed clean for 13 months (other than one incidence where he took my niece’s narcotics she and from surgery. He fessed up though. It was not a great year. Dry drunk is worse than drunk. Still miserable, still tried and grumpy but no longer his crutch to cope. And of course I kept on plugging taking care of our 2 nieces and our kid, covering him any time he was too tired to do something or go somewhere. Somehow I started detaching from him subconsciously. My kid started school and I made mom friends and had things to do.
once he started drinking again I sort of realized that talking to him about it again wasn’t going to do any good. He would just keep stopping and starting again. So I decided that I was just gonna let him do his thing and see what happens. Hoping that he would get to a point himself. Well surprise, guess who hit rock bottom instead? Me. He got worse and worse. I had more and more resentment. I couldn’t stand the smell of stale alcohol when I went to bed, he soiled the bed a few times (at the time I didn’t realize that was alcohol related). I realized I could no longer go on like this. I had hit my breaking point and was actually ready to give him an ultimatum and was ready to leave if he didn’t quit and get help.
The only reason the ultimatum worked (he admitted later) was because he had gotten to the point himself that he realized he couldn’t go on like that. He needed that final kick in the butt to do something about it. He went to rehab for 3 months (mandatory if he didn’t want to lose his license) and things got more and more strained while he was in rehab. I had told him also that it could no longer be a secret and so now everyone knew and I could finally talk about it with my friends. No one had a clue he had a problem. That’s how well we hid it. Not even the adult child and late ten nieces who lived with us.
We did marriage counseling for almost two years. As time went on I realized that when I gave him the ultimatum I was already done with him despite my telling him I would give him one last chance. I think I was just afraid to admit it because I always put myself last. Marriage counseling was beneficial and necessary to discuss a lot of stuff that had happened and to get it out in the open as our communication had stopped a long time ago. But out counselor was an a.hole and total took my now ex’s side. I should be grateful that he got clean and we had this chance to start over like an arranged marriage. Expect I could not forget everything I had dealt with over the years so not exactly a clean slate. Needless to say our marriage didn’t survive. I’m glad he is clean because I was afraid of having to share custody with a drunk, a big reason I didn’t leave him sooner. I didn’t trust him with our then 8 yo. At least my kid now has a dad that is present (I did everything until we split, he wasn’t abusive just not a present and involved parent).
Like PP I too ended up having a brief fling. I regretted that it had come to that point but I don’t actually regret the fling. It opened my eyes to how unhappy I was, I had kept all my emotions an feeling bottled up inside me and just kept plugging. I realized I deserved more and that I was actually still attractive to someone (alcohol and porn really put a damper on our sex life) . I realized I couldn’t stay the way things were and it actually gave me the courage to start thinking about potentially leaving, as in giving an ultimatum and be ready to follow through with it.
i also realized that even as a medical provider I really knew very much about addiction and alcoholism. I am always one to research stuff but I think I was afraid what I would find out and so I really didn’t. Most people don’t know much About addiction unless they have lived it as an addict or a loved one. Keeping quiet and not being able to talk about it with anyone because I was ashamed was bad. I felt isolated and always made excuses for him. Getting it out in the open was necessary.
codependent no more was an eye opener for me as well. Holy codependency. I didn’t even know what that was but that was me alright. It took a lot of counseling to deal with everything and to get past the codependency. And I became an “expert” on alcoholism in a very short time. I wish I would’ve know on a lot of that beforehand, it may not have changed the outcome but I might have been able to manage better.i found this site a year after he went to rehab,
Educate yourself, understand that no amount of begging pleading will make quit. He won’t be able to quit until he admits he has a problem and until he is ready to quit for himself. He won’t ever be able to touch alcohol again and he will need professional help if that day ever comes. He won’t be able to quit on his own. Underlying psych issues need to be addressed (however minor or major they are) and he needs to learn healthy coping skills if he wants to be successful at recovery.
i would start with therapy for yourself if possible. Preferably with someone who had an addiction background/training. At least you can talk to someone. This isn’t going to get better it will only get worse unfortunately. And you have zero control over what he does. If love could cure addiction there would be no addicts.
Start thinking about an exit plan. Doesn’t mean you have to leave him now but start thinking about how that would look. Because you may hit yourself rock bottom sooner or later as well. My kid was 6 when he got clean. She just remembers him always being tired and grumpy but doesn’t really remember him being drunk (he hid it well from everyone but me). Kids will notice things aren’t good. You won’t be able to hide it, they will know something is off at some point.
Get educated so you better understand addiction. See if you can find pleasure unwoven. It is a great documentary about alcoholism that we watched in rehab during family week. Being here is a great first step so you can at least vent and unload and get some frustration out. You will also realize our stories are all very similar and that you are not alone. You will recognize yourself in al, of our stories. I wish you all the best. Addiction sucks.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
Oh, sleepyhollo, I am right there. So much of your story is so familiar. Thanks for taking the time to share; I am always trying to make sense of my story and I find it helpful hearing your story told. I really resonate with the marriage counselor problem and the secrecy problem.
Custody might have gone really differently for me if I had not hidden robbery, debit card fraud, driving high, bruises and knockouts, sexual assault, physical intimidation...
I have proof of none of this, and since he never saw these incidents as such, it is like it never happened. In fact, the part where I kept all this secret means my parents don't even believe me, and continue to maintain a close relationship with xah.
But, you know what is great? When my xah relapsed this most recent time, it wasn't my mess to clean, nor my embarrassment. I didn't feel embarrassed to tell my coworkers what I was stressed about, because I did nothing wrong. (Not that it was my fault when we were together. The reason I hid it then was primarily out of embarrassment for being the kind of woman who stayed when someone treated me so abusively. I couldn't openly own my decision to stay with my abuser, so I couldn't own up to the abuse.
It felt incredibly healing to just be open and honest about xah's addiction now that we are long divorced.
Custody might have gone really differently for me if I had not hidden robbery, debit card fraud, driving high, bruises and knockouts, sexual assault, physical intimidation...
I have proof of none of this, and since he never saw these incidents as such, it is like it never happened. In fact, the part where I kept all this secret means my parents don't even believe me, and continue to maintain a close relationship with xah.
But, you know what is great? When my xah relapsed this most recent time, it wasn't my mess to clean, nor my embarrassment. I didn't feel embarrassed to tell my coworkers what I was stressed about, because I did nothing wrong. (Not that it was my fault when we were together. The reason I hid it then was primarily out of embarrassment for being the kind of woman who stayed when someone treated me so abusively. I couldn't openly own my decision to stay with my abuser, so I couldn't own up to the abuse.
It felt incredibly healing to just be open and honest about xah's addiction now that we are long divorced.
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