Greensoul3982

I am devestated with his decision to break up with me. He swears it's over for good. He relapsed after six years sober. Has he just lost his marbles?

trailmix

Well, you can't really group all alcoholics. They are individual people and although they may all share a common condition and with that some similar behaviours, they still have their own thoughts and emotions and plans (or lack thereof).

From stories I have read here, some return over and over, some never do, you just can't know. After a while you may feel differently than you do now you know. Once the hurt has eased off a bit and you look at who he is now and what he has done.

Is this the partner/life you want? Someone who goes off on benders leaving you alone? That's the reality of what he has done. Has he lost his marbles? Maybe.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry to read what you are going through.

Maybe a better question would be, do you want him back if he tries to come back?

Bekindalways

Heya Greensoul, I'm glad you are posting here and hope you find support. Relationships with addicts can be horrific whether they stick around or leave. The pain is horrific.

Often alcoholics will come back when they need help supporting their drinking habit. If he wants to drink and knows that you won't stand for it, he may not come back. His first love may well wind up being alcohol and there is no way a human can compete.

Please do every thing you can to take care of yourself. This can hurt beyond hurt.

Let us know how you get on.

nez

Consider this perspective, he doesn't love himself enough, to fight for a sober relationship with his self, so...

It is not pretty, but he truly doesn't know how to love. Hopefully he can learn. A good starting point for him, would be to start with his self. From there he can move on to learning how to love others. If he doesn't, his existence will be bleak and solitary. That is the harsh reality of alcoholism/addiction.

Greensoul3982

We have been together for six years. He blames me for his relapse. He says I am toxic and bring him down. He tries to soothe me by saying crap like, I know this is hard for you to accept, like I am some clueless child and not the love of his life. It's like an alien had taken over his body. He says he will recover better without me and at the very least enjoy controlled drinking that he can manage since I'm not there. He says our lives are moving in different directions and that he is going to make something of himself and that he needs to be alone and live his own life. We have been trying for a baby for two years now. He says I am the love of his life but we now will never be more than friends. I am mystified. If I could have him committed I would. He just got a promotion at work. He has waited years for this. On my last day at our home around Christmas I caught him with a beer in his work lunch box. He is going to lose everything he has worked so hard for. I feel so helpless.

Abandoned80

I had something pretty similar happen to me. We went from him wanting to buy a house together, etc. to him breaking up with me in a matter of just a few months, and it’s because he was drinking again (or drinking more, who even really knows). He gave me a similar, kind of condescending talk and let me know all the ways I was deficient, but he was sure I’d be ok, since I was a “strong person.” Of course, no mention of his drinking and the part it had played in the deterioration of our relationship over time. In my case he truly cut all ties and I never heard from him again, and I haven’t reached out. Like has been mentioned, I think whether you hear from them again has something to do with how much they think they can drink with you in the picture. But to be honest, it doesn’t do any good to analyze it, because often they are not using the same logic we would apply. The fact that he blamed you for his drinking and is trying to say he is attempting controlled drinking is a dead giveaway that he’s not in a “recovery” state of mind and is very much in active addiction.

My advice would be to really use this time to decide if this is someone you want regardless of the alcoholism - someone who could just walk away from you. In the meantime, please don’t wait around for him to call the shots, take care of yourself and live your life. It will hurt a lot for a while, no doubt, but over time it slowly does get better. I’m sorry this happened to you too

velma929

There ya go, right there. He has no intention of quitting. Like many addicts, he feels (or opines) that controlled substance use is an option.

Hawkeye13

He chose alcohol over you. There is no logic or explanation beyond that. You deserve better—he won’t be able to control the “controlled” drinking.

Alcohol abuse progresses unless the addict totally abstains. He is not in recovery as others have said. It hurts, but life with an active alcoholic hurts more.

Bekindalways

Ugh GS, this sucks. Your description of Aliens taking over his body is spot on; the Alien is alcohol addiction.

We call this kind of talk "quacking" as it makes as much sense as if a duck was sitting on his head making nonsensical noise rather than a human speaking.

If you can go no contact with him, it would be the best. Every interaction with him will open up the wounds again.

Let us know how you get on.

SmallButMighty

It is always heartbreaking and devastating when a relationship that is important to us comes to an end. I know that kind of pain and it is all consuming. I am sorry you are enduring this right now. I know it's small comfort but it will not always feel like it does now.

As the other's have said, it is NOT your fault that he drank. It is never anybody else's fault. He made that choice. NOTHING you could possibly do ( short of tying him up, holding his nose and pouring it down his throat) has ever or will ever make him drink. It is very cruel of him to say those things to you. Addicts are well known for blaming everyone and anything other then themselves for their decision to pick up. It's part of their denial that allows them to keep on keepin' on. He also may have been so awful to you on purpose, hoping to drive you away, again, so very cruel... there are gentler ways to end a relationship other than trying to destroy the other party. He is a very unhealthy man to do such a thing.

Nothing you can say to him will change anything. He is deep in his own toxic existence right now, and as bad as it feels for you, you actually are better off not in the thick of it. I know you miss him, and it doesn't feel that way right now. I'm so sorry.

Do you have family and friends around you? Do you have people to spend time with? Are you being kind to yourself?... Please refuse to burden yourself with any of the mean things he said, they aren't true. Also, please take care of yourself, drink lots of water, crying is dehydrating, eat healthy , nourishing foods and try to get some exercise if you can, even a ten minute walk and fresh air will help.

trailmix

Translation: He doesn't want you watching him drink (however much he wants).

Translation: He doesn't want you watching him drink (lots).

Because you are in this instance. You cannot control him or his addiction. He has decided to drink and that is what he is going to do. I'm so sorry you got hurt. You will not always feel this way, I hope you believe that.

Bella1973

I learned from Alanon and going to open AA meetings when I was married to an alcoholic/addict that if they came back it's when they are out of drugs and booze and out of money.
He eventually admitted that to me as well. That's what it always took for him to come back. The high was over so he had nowhere to go but home. What a sad way to live.

PeacefulWater12

Thanks for sharing this, Bella.

Hit me in the face. Absolutely true.

I would add as well, that also they may come to us when everyone else told them to go away. When healthy people have had enough of them, us codies welcome them back with open arms to "save" them!

I have done that. It gave me a sick buzz. Of being "needed" and me being "special". Very messed up thinking by me.