Hadlbran

Hi there!

My best friend is an alcoholic and I haven't really seen her at all because I have been trying to figure out boundaries with her ever since she had a very dramatic drunken episode at my house. I can admit I do miss her, I haven't seen her in about 2 1/2 months and today we talked on the phone. She asked me if I'd like to go for a drink on Wednesday. Part of me really wants to go because I miss her and it would be fun to catch up. We usually go out and have a drink when we catch up, but the problem is, she usually cannot stop at one. I never realized how real her problem was until her dramatic drunken episode at my house. I really think it would fun for us to get together but I am thinking that is not what I am suppose to be doing? I THINK that if we were to go out, she would not have more than one drink just because I have told her how I felt about her drinking. However, when I leave I know I won't be able to control what she does. Am I being an enabler by going out for a drink? I personally wouldn't mind having a drink, but what am I suppose to do in this situation? This is all new for me.

I find this so hard for me because her and I were always able to out for a drink or even two and never have any problems. We have a lot of fun and good memories however, nowadays she cannot stop at just one drink when I am not around. When the whole thing happened at my house, she promised me she would slow down, however, out of my presence, she hasn't. I almost tend to think if I am there, she will only have one drink and won't push the issue only because she knows how hurt I was when everything happened at my house.

So...what do I do? I am new to al-anon and I am not sure quite how to handle this situation. Any words of wisdom?

Thanks!

Lorelai

Hi Hadlbran -

The first thing to remember is that you are not the determining factor in whether your friend drinks a lot or a little. She's going to do what she does - whether you are there or not - whether it hurts your feelings or not. That's what alcoholics do.

The next thing to remember is that you should do what is best for YOU. That is the only thing you can control in this situation. If you don't want to be around your friend when she's drinking, there are a lot of other things you can do together and catch up. Lunch, movies, walking, shopping, volunteering, etc.

You have every right to set a boundary that you won't be around her when she's drinking. That is entirely your decision. We can make our own decisions and leave the alcoholic's decisions up to them.
Hugs - L

SJW

I agree with Lorelai. Another thing you might consider is that by being around her when she drinks you could become more and more disenchanted with her and wind up "hating" her. Your ability to detach from her addictive behavior by setting the very boundaries mentioned in Lorelai's post will help you to love her as a person while not subjecting yourself to her choices.

And it's easier to do that if you don't live with them or spend lots of time with them. I have a much easier time detaching from my parent's alcoholism than from my husbands. I just don't spend much time around them when they drink. I choose to visit with them when I know they are sober. I don't have that luxury with my husband. It's lots easier not to be mad at my parents than my husband - because I don't have to be around it when they drink.

SJW

Cando

I agree with Loralei. It's also not a good idea to drink with her, because you are then telling her it's O.K. to drink. It sounds like she has a problem and the best thing you can do is show her there are other things in life to do.