How do their minds work?? Sorry, long

Old 12-07-2004, 06:43 AM
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How do their minds work?? Sorry, long

A bit of a rant here...

A few months ago, I had a bit of a meltdown, lost my job, etc.For now, I am working a retail job. This entails working weekends. My h is in a bowling league, every other Saturday night.

First- the bowling issue. He had been on league a long time ago(his family and friend are in it) I didn;t care, as I did not bowl. Before kids, I would drop him off at 6, go home, get ready and show up at the alley about 9, to party for a while. After marriage and twins, he would just stay out, not coming home until MONDAY am. Needless to say, I had a lot of problems with this. A bit after this, the bowling, for everyone, kind of drifted away. A few years ago, his F&F started up again. He did not join, as his prior partner had moved. Then in May 2003, his brother died suddenly. He and his wife(I will call her R) were on a team with her sister and BIL (the King and Queen of the Party Palace) .. There was a mention that Hub would take Bro's place when the league started up again, but nothing was really said, so I forgot. Then, in August, R says something about bowling starting soon, and apparently, Hub has joined the team,without saying anything to me. I was very pi$$ed off. Hub's sister mentioned to me that she was getting a team together, and maybe I could be on it, but she then, of course, got the team together,without me. (honestly, I'm not sure if I WANTED to be on it, but I was annoyed she blew me off).. Bowling season of 2003-2004 sucked, as Sat night meant Sun would be at the Party Palace all day.

Cut to this season. Hub joins again. Again, everyone assumes that he will be on the same team. Neither he, nor anyone else, thought to ask if I would want to bowl. Then they say I should go on another team. Sorry, no. It would be wierd for me and my hub to be on seperate teams, and I would only do it if we could do it together. However, this year I work a lot of Sundays. I told Hub I did not want him doing it, but of course he does. I set a condition- he HAS to be home Sun AM by 6 am. If I have to work, I need to know that he is here. He agreed to that, agreed it was a workable "curfew", etc. And he had been pretty good about it. However, he did break it 4 or 6 weeks ago. Stupidly, I agreed to another chance.

Now, we get to this weekend. Fri nite he goes out, gets home Sat abt 11am. Our kids are dancing in a holiday thing at 1, have to be there by 12.. He thinks it would be a good idea if I drop them off, come home abt 12:45 to get him. Uh, no. I'm leaving at 11:30 and NOT coming back. So he gets a ride, watches the dance and goes home. This was a party thing, so I stayed until about 3.. Get home.. The girls were going to go to the bowling alley with him, but our neighbor had his daughter, and they wanted to play, so they stayed with me.As he was leaving he said he "hoped" that he would come home right after bowling. I meantioned that it really is not that hard- just get in the car and go. However, that is hard for him. I had to work Sun 10:30-4:30. Wake up Sun abt 6. No hub. I figure if I don't hear from him by 8, I will have to call off work. At 7, I luck out. Neighbor is going to Toys for Tots, and his mom is watching his daughter. She will watch mine too, and take them to the movies. Neighbor also lets me use his truck (did I mention we have 1 car and hub had it?? No word from Hub, all day. He stumbles in about 3 am monday. I heard him come in, but play asleep. He does not go to work yesterday. I did not even see him until dinner time. I was not planning to tell him dinner was ready, but my daughter did. He just came down, got something, went right back upstairs.

This morning, I am the taxi driver- drop girls off at school, him at work. As we are driving, I meantion that he is quitting bowling, right? After all he had made a promise, and broken it twice. His comment-- My staying out had nothing to do with bowling. I left the alley at 9:30...he went to the bar and met up with friends.OH- HUGE difference!!(not) I told him that he left for bowling, and did not come home. Therefore, it did have to do with bowling and he had to quit.

He was pretty annoyed about this. Couldn't I see the distinction?? Sorry, I can't. The bowling Xmas party is in 2 weeks. Well, sorry , I guess you'll have to miss it.

I really don;t know what will happen. I really doubt he will quit. And even if he does, he will get back at me by going to the alley anyway. What annoys me is that he expected that I would see the difference between bowling related binges and non bowling related binges, and cut him slack. (???) God forbid he should dissapoint his buddies!!!

Sorry for the long post. The bowling thing has annoyed me for a while., The only time I went up there was Oct 2003, as it was hub's birthday. He says people ask him all the time why I never go. Uh, why should I want to be around a bunch of drunks who have shown me that they have no consideration for me?? Sorry, I'll pass. a few weeks ago, I had to work on bowling night. They had all gone over Hub's other brother's house, to continue the party, and I went after work(abt 11:30) to get the kids. Just reinforced why I don't want to go- everyone was drunk and annoying. The King of the Party Palace is a particularly offiensive drunk- loses balance, gets too close, pees on himself, and rubs butts. Why would I want to be around them?
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Old 12-07-2004, 08:05 AM
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It sounds like your H is a lot like me bf only he hides his behind hockey. My bf loves hockey. He loves to play it and he loves to watch it. I would never want to take his "hockey" away from him. But everytime he goes to play or watch he has to drink his butt off. So he created this catch 22. If I get angry at him for drinking while he's at hockey he accuses me of trying to take his hockey away and it doesn't matter how many times I say "It's not the hockey it's the drinking" he can turn it so it looks like I'm the jerk and I just want to take his hobby away. He totally ignores the hockey=drinking connection. He uses hockey as an excuse and it's a good one since he does make me feel bad for trying to steer him away from it. Very clever.
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Old 12-07-2004, 09:22 AM
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regardless of whether it is hockey or bowling etc, how can anyone say that going out on one day and not coming home for 24 or more, on a regular basis is normal or ok.

that is weird! tell them they can go to hockey or bowling but not drink haha or they can go drinking but not watch hockey or go bowling haha
that will fix them haha

kath

ps, i didnt think men were that multiskilled anyway haha
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Old 12-07-2004, 10:03 AM
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Save yourself the trouble of forcing him to quit anything. It won't work.

What I found really odd was that he was bowling on Saturday nights and not getting home until Monday morning. Or is it Sunday nights he bowls. I don't know where you live, but the bars do close around here for several hours.

Threatening, begging, pleading, and all the other stuff we do to the AH to get them to stop drinking only makes it worse. Heck, even if we don't say anything, they'll say we don't care and that's another excuse.

A couple of weeks ago, we went to a wedding that started out being a very nice affair. Within 3 hours at the reception, it was a raging horror show with drunks all over the place screaming and shouting and making fools of themselves. Funny how we can be sober and see the progression of the effects of alcohol on other people. It sickens us. My husband, now recovering once asked me if he acted like that and it was a definite yes. Our son, who is also recovering said that when it got loud and wild was when the fun began. But he couldn't remember the fun.

Look for alanon meetings in your area. You need support and you'll get plenty there. As well as here. Your twins are also being affected by what's going on. There are meetings for kids too and it would be a great idea for them to attend and learn that daddy is sick and at the same time, they'll be taught that life can be wonderful with the booze. I didn't do this for my son and he's now a 24 year old recovering alcoholic.

Be good to yourself and attend meetings.

Blessings, Kathy
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Old 12-07-2004, 10:12 AM
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Actually, Aquiana and Spirit--
It's not like it's just bowling.. It's golf (the 19th through 100th hole) , football (must be watched in a bar ) Softball (playing,then going to the bar) basketball(when the Bulls were good- shudder) etc.

And there are many times he has gone out Fri night, came home Sunday morning, sometimes Monday morning. And even if he does come home Sunday, the day is spent recovering. I had posted a little bit ago about problems with his family not including me and the kids in things. Since he is usually pretty useless on the weekends, I am responsible for entertaining the kids. I would be thrilled if someone would call with a ready made plan for something to do, but no one does. There are only so many movies you can see!

And I agree- it is not normal to stay out so much. However, for his friends and family, it is pretty much the norm. (his sister had an outfit she called her two dayer) .. However, my hub is in such deep denial he refuses to admit he is an alcoholic. He's just a social drinker. The most he will admit to is going "a *little* overboard"..

It's funny. The kids will sometimes ask where he is..

What I want to say- your no good SOB father is out boozing somewhere with his boozo buddies who he cares about more than us and won't come home until the beer runs out or his friends get sick of him (he won't shut his mouth when he drinks)

What I say- I dont know sweetie.
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Old 12-07-2004, 10:23 AM
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Hey Gelf.. we must've crossed posts..

The bowling is every other SATURDAY night. The bars do close, but they just go to someone's house and continue. Last year was when I coined the term "The Party Palace", as there was one particular house many people would go to.

I know I can't force him to quit, but I do think he should live up to his promises. Unfortunately, I doubt that he will. We will see what happens with that.

Regarding my kids- Right now they are too young for Alateen(10). What I try to do is keep quiet about it. I mean, they know he's gone and drinking. I don't get upset about it anymore, look for him, etc (unless there's a really good reason to do so) We just kind of do our own thing. I don't want to tell them that Daddy is sick, or whatever, as that will scare them . They love their Dad and I don;t want to create a conflict in them -ie- Mommy's mad at Dad so we should be too. And, honestly, sometimes it's nicer when he's not around. He is a lot stricter than I am (not saying much- I'm pretty laid back, almost a marshmallow)
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Old 12-07-2004, 10:26 AM
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SDP

What are you getting out of this relationship? I don't know whether I'm missing something, but where is the "give" in your husbands "give and take"?

I'm afraid that demanding that he give any of this up is unlikely to work.

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 12-07-2004, 10:42 AM
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Minnie-

A long time ago, I had left him for a while. I hated being a single parent. It was too hard, and I did not have a support system to help me. I nearly lost it.

He provides financially. Usually, I don't have to go begging for help.

Leaving him again,or making him leave, would not solve anything- would just make it harder. The entire burden would be on me. He would just move in with one of his family members and live the life of Reilly, while I would be angry and resentful.

For now- staying is the best option. Maybe it will change later, but I will have to see.
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Old 12-07-2004, 12:04 PM
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Well as we all do, I wish I had the perfect answer to give you, but we dont. Only you know your situation and how much you are willing to put up with. The ladies here are supportive and insightful. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.

Blessings,
MysticCat
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Old 12-07-2004, 01:30 PM
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Okay, here's my thoughts.
Since you are choosing to stay in this situation, I would suggest that you attand Alanon meetings. You will find support and understanding there.
Now......your husband may be in a bowling league - what about you? What does your life consist of other than work, children, and household responsibilities? It's time to get yourself a life!
Personally, since only having one car is an issue, can I suggest that your AH get a ride with one of his buddies or family members that are in the league? Understand upfront though, that he will blame them and his lack of a ride home for not coming home after bowling, but as it is now, he's not getting home anyways!!!! This way you have a vehicle if you need it and you have transportation for work!
I also think you need to set up some sort of "back up" plan for childcare! You don't need your children around these people if they are continuously drunk! Especially the "king of the party place"!!!!! Not to mention, that if you need to be at work and your husband doesn't make it home, this is going to be an issue that is revisited time and time again!
If you feel it's best to stay in your situation, I guess I'm trying to say that you have to figure out ways to make it more bearable for yourself.
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Old 12-07-2004, 07:42 PM
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Thank you, Cat.
Standing Strong:
I have tried Alanon before, but I did not like it. Maybe I will go sometime, but only when I feel like it.

And I do have a life. I do work, take care of my kids and household responsibilities. I also like to read. I have always been a loner and find solace in myself. I have always been like this.

And my kids are not around them all the time .They are occasionally, as these people are family members. But not much at the party times. Just that one night when I had to work late. The kids were in one part of the house, the adults in another. I was there about 1/2 hour, and then left, with them.

The vehicle thing, I will have to think about. He is usually pretty good about leaving the car available. This is the first time in a while he has stranded me. And I do agree about the childcare issue.

I have come a long way in recoverym and still have a long way to go. I used to do the screaming , crying, thinking I could "talk" or guilt him out it, but I have progressed beyond that, at least.
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