Gb66

I just found this forum today and am so glad I did! My husband has been a functioning alcoholic probably since I married him 25 years ago. He was always a funny, happy guy so I guess it was easy to overlook the fact he would sometimes drink a lot.
Over the years he has changed and about 2 years ago I started thinking I don't want to live like this any more. He was drinking way more, miserable, falling asleep at 8pm and not at all involved in our 2 teenagers lives.
Not long after talking to him about it and him promising he would do better, our 20 year old daughter told us she has an eating disorder. My husband was so amazing, supportive and patient but he still drank. I focused on my daughter and getting her the help she needed while she continued at university. In one of our conversations she told me she is so glad her dad and I never divorced (not that we had ever talked about it - just a general statement). She said she didn't think she could handle it but that was the end of the discussion. It's now a year later and she has recently been diagnosed with both anxiety and bipolar disorder. She is in recovery for her eating disorder and just received early acceptance Into an amazing program at her university even though it has been getting more and more difficult for her to function.
My husband's drinking is getting worse, I told him he needs to get help and he says I know but other than slowing down for a few days he does nothing.
I am scared to do something that will affect my daughter's already fragile mental health but after my husband not being an active participant in Christmas today and basically ignoring my son's girlfriend who was here for dinner, I don't know what to do. I think I am getting less patient as I watch my daughter try desperately to help herself while my husband drinks to cope with it all. I just can't forget how she told me she is glad we are still together. I feel like all my focus should be on my daughter who is used to the way her dad is and doesn't seem bothered by it. I don't think my husband will go for help unless he loses us but to move and put my daughter through the stress, tension, arguments etc doesn't seem like a good idea. Has anyone else had to make a decision like this??

trailmix

Hi Gb66, glad you found us too!

I haven't made this type of decision, but when I read your post the first reaction I had is - you look after yourself first. This is such an important thing because, as I'm sure you know, if you are not, you won't have anything to give anyone else. You are in a high stress situation and it's imperative that you put yourself first.

I'm sorry your daughter is going through such a rough time.

All children would like their parents to stay together (generally) unless the situation has gotten to the point where the environment is so emotionally draining it just can't go on like it is.

I had an alcoholic Father, yes, he was functioning too, not really as a Father but as a provider. My parents eventually divorced when I was about 17. I never liked them as a couple however I understood why my Mother stayed (financially). Children of alcoholics don't feel safe (generally). I was lucky, as are your children, to have a Mother that was stable and great and caring. But in that type of situation there is always that tension, always dysfunction, always something. So while your Daughter might find some kind of comfort in the "sameness" of home, you know it can't go on like that, for you.

I think, in your case, I would suggest getting professional help. Perhaps you can speak with a therapist that specializes in bipolar, to help you to find a good and safe way to speak to your Daughter about potentially leaving your AH.

Nd819

Welcome Gb, I can relate so much to your situation, feels like we are leading somewhat parallel lives! I too am trying to keep things together for the sake of stability for teens. Life with a HFA is difficult and lonely. I would recommend is Alanon, that and having boundaries and focusing on things that make you happy. You will get some great advice from people who are way more qualified than I am.

Amaranth

Hello GBGlad you found us!! Three years ago on January 2nd I left my home leaving my 2 teenage boys with their alcoholic father. I knew for years that if he didn't face up to his drink and drug addictions it was inevitable that I would eventually leave. The moment I left was like the cork blowing out of a pressure cooker. It was a snap decision in the end and I just walked out with no plan. I knew in my gut the time had come.
if you are interested in what happened next you can read my threads.
The thing is my leaving didn't make him face up to anything. My staying wouldn't have either. He is not ready and we want different things from life now.
It's been hard on the kids in many ways but they have learned many lessons on the way. The important thing is we are no longer living in a pressure cooker waiting for the pop.
I know for me even though I had been in a 12 step programme for many years the focus of my recovery shifted to myself (at last!!) I have done a lot of work uncovering my codependent traits since I left and I continue to work through my guilt for breaking up the family.
It's a hard road but a very rewarding one and I am much happier in many ways. It takes years to unravel the traumas of a long relationship with an alcoholic.
I would really recommend you find an Al-anon meeting. Both staying and leaving present many challenges and you will find support from other people that have been there.
Don't hold out for him to face up to his problems before you face up to your own.
I'm sorry to hear your daughter is having problems but it is very reassuring that she can come to you with them. The first step to recovery is asking for help and it's wonderful that your daughter has taken that step.

LifeRecovery

Gb66

What got me to these pages was my husband's alcohol consumption. There is none in my immediate family.....though a ton outside of my immediate family of origin.

I agree with the posters above who have commented on you getting support for yourself. I can only give when I am full and clear for myself. When I don't put myself first, I always struggle with my priorities.

I have lived with an eating disorder most of my life, and I want you to know my experience to see if it helps in any way for your decisions around your daughter.

In many ways I truly had an idyllic childhood. I was physically safe, mentally stimulated, financially stable. I never learned how to deal with emotions however as there was a ton of unresolved co-dependent behaviors and traits in my immediate family, and I also struggled with boundaries, control issues and literally trying to achieve "normality," which in my case was trying to be numb. I have been trying to numb out with food as long as I can remember, though I did not recognize it until later and did not get help for it until much later.

I cannot speak to your daughter and her healing except to share my own experience, strength and hope. For me, learning to deal with and be present with my emotions has been the key to my healing; from my relationship with a problem drinker and with most of my life experiences. My system is much more settled when I am with the truth than the chaos of the lies and especially of omissions. When my system is settled I don't need to engage with food. I truly believe that my eating disorder was a red flag behavior in my family that we were not capable of communicating about so many important things, and when I remember that it was a sign of my sensitivity, not that I was/am broken in some way it is more about my strength rather than my limits. I suspect some of the same for your daughter.

I needed lots of support to get to this place; which it sounds like your daughter has had in place for awhile. Regardless of what you and your family goes through with the correct support she can and will heal.

I have been surprised by what has helped my own recovery and what makes it more challenging in the short and long-term. You taking care of you can demonstrate to her what self-care is truly about. You finding your own truth will allow her to safely explore her own. What a brave thing she has done is expressing her life challenges in helping to show you how it can be done.

It takes time and patience but I truly believe that healing is one of the most worthwhile parts of our time and journey in this life. I think you both have this.

Gb66

Thank you so much for your responses! I am going to look into Al-Anon immediately and start looking after myself. I feel a sense of calm having a next step so thank you all!

LifeRecovery, wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story! Alot of what you said really makes sense and I need to learn from my daughter, to take care of myself and put myself first. My daughter has learned alot about self care in therapy and now it's my turn! I worry alot that her childhood was the catalyst behind her diagnosis'. I continue pretending nothing is wrong with my husband and yet I am sure she is very aware. She has said she thinks her dad is bipolar like her and it does make sense.

Thanks again!

SmallButMighty

Gb66, I completely understand you wanting to protect your daughter. My kids are in their 20s, so I really, really do get it. I left their alcoholic dad when my children were 16 and 20... they were not pleased. But in the long run, it was the right example to set. After years of allowing my AXH to run rough shod over me and our marriage, my kids got to see me say.. "No.. this disrespect is not acceptable, I wont take it anymore!" .. they were not at all happy that I made the choice to "break up the family". They were scared and unsettled. Understandably. Me trying to avoid them from feeling that way lead to me postponing the inevitable, but during that time they were witness to some pretty serious dysfunction, so how much good did my "staying together for the kids" actually do? Obviously I can not speak to your situation, but myself and my ex set horrible examples for our kids. We set some good ones too.. we weren't terrible parents, far from it, but, they still saw some unacceptable behavior from both of us. His drunk stuff, and my accepting unacceptable conduct was very detrimental to their development. My daughter is 26 and suffers with her own codependency issues as well as some of the same things you mentioned your daughter is dealing with. Thankfully, she just got out of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic, as a mom, it breaks my heart she repeated the dysfunctional pattern she witnessed growing up. (As did I, sick family cycles continue until we break them)

I am willing to bet, your daughter making a statement to you like she did, about you not separating from her dad, means that she KNOWS, somewhere deep inside, that something is wrong there. No matter what you decide to do regarding your own marriage, I hope you can be honest with your grown daughter about the parts that aren't OK, so that she can work through those things and can work towards not repeating the dysfunctions. My daughter and I have talked about these things a lot in the last 6 or 7 years, and yet she has still fallen into the traps, more than once. We can't pave the way for them, but we can talk, talk, talk and shine a light on the parts that the generations before us liked to sweep under the rug.

There is a book called. "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It is an easy read and I highly suggest it. I've read it multiple times and I get more from it each time I do. The things I learned from that book changed my life for the better so I hope you decide to give it a read. My daughter has read it and it has helped her as well.. it didn't prevent her from entering troubling relationships, but it certainly facilitated her getting the heck out of more than one that was going wrong.

Being the healthiest, happiest, strongest, mama you can be is the very best thing you can do for your children, no matter what age they are. Knowledge is power my friend, and there is a lot of wisdom being shared in these pages. I am glad you are here and I hope you continue to hang out with us.