TwinOtterFan

I think I need to end my marriage and take my son. I don't know why I can't do it. I'm frozen with fear, it seems like the logical step to take so why can't I move forward.

I dream about suicide most nights in bed, I feel mentally exhausted, alone, hurt. I'm trying not to take her drinking personally but that's barely working.

woodlandlost

Twinotter.

Breathe my friend. I am sure you have a long, long story to tell. You are facing a huge decision and that is going to make you stressed to the max. I know where you are at at this moment. You are going to survive this, no matter what your decision. If you are losing it, get some help, call a sibling or a friend or someone who knows where you are at...

I left my marriage of many years and had to take care of my daughter...things are getting better...they do eventually.

You can private message me, or post to the forum here and you will learn a lot. You are not alone Brother.

I like your forum name, Twinotter...wonder if that refers to the awesoe sea planes.
Keep posting, we are here.

TwinOtterFan

I'm sure the story is the same that has been told a thousand times on here... Just this time its personal.

I wandered the back woods for hours last night, I felt like I had no other option I was shaking with anger, normally its frustrating but not that bad. I think maybe because it was xmas eve? I just wanted a normal xmas day for our toddler for once. I called an AA hotline, I could not find an alanon one I did not really like what she had to say if I'm being honest, but its reality. At the very least it preoccupied me from doing anything stupid.

I do not know why I am so fearful of being alone, I have basically raised our son on my own anyway, we even separated briefly once before and I managed just fine after the initial hurt.

The name? yes its the plane, beautiful machine.

thank you for replying.

dandylion

TwinOtter.....I am so glad that you had the presence of mind to make a call---a call to anyone----and, I actually think that it is pretty smart of you to think of calling AA when you couldn't find an alanon place.
I do know what you mean about the "shaking with anger". It is like your brain is so flooded with that emotion, at the time, that organized thinking about anything else seems almost impossible.
You did the absolute most important thing----you talked to SOMEONE.
Congrats on your action---and, always remember that if you ever have a similar feeling in the future. It is a valuable think to know.

dandylion

twinOtter......I am going to have to google "twin otter" to educate myself on that. LOL---in my mind, I pictured a picture of two otters printed on a fan---the kind of fan that ladies use in church on very hot days.

tomls

Hang around here .It helps to be around others that have had similar problems.

woodlandlost

Twinotter

hang in there dude. Like the twin otter you are strong and can battle thru the weather and land. Hang in there dude. Keep posting

TwinOtterFan

She finally came down around 1300 and asked where everyone was and if we were going to open presents..... I had to explain that it was after lunch and the presents had long been opened and played with. She snapped back with anger blaming myself for not waking her, not realizing of course that I could here our son screaming mommy wake up its Christmas from the couch downstairs where I decided to sleep, partially out of anger and mostly because my bed and herself were soaked in urine.

It wasn't malicious I went up and tried to get her to come down at least 3 times, making everyone wait till almost 11, then we gave up and had Christmas morning without her.

I feel defeated. I am a 39 year old ******* veteran, served 10 years, and I'm sobbing in the shower like a baby...... for whats its worth, after her apology I told her that if she wanted to continue then she needed to do something about it. I just can't do it all on my own anymore, and if I'm going to I shouldn't have to deal with her **** as well.

woodlandlost

Friend. Know that situation too. Her response is expected. If you are a vet, you can still access services. Are you CF?

Nd819

Twinotter, I am sorry for what you are dealing with. I find the holidays to be so stressful in the best of situations but having to deal with an alcoholic spouse takes it all to a whole other level. Do you have a counselor or someone you can talk to? Family close? It sounds like you could really use some help, even if it is just some help with your toddler so you can get a break and take care of you. I know change is scary, but it doesn't sound like you can go on like this. Hang in there, your son needs you.

SmallButMighty

Twinotter, I know the frustration you are living with. For some reason it usually does feel worse during the holidays. I think that's because we know it should be a happy time, especially if we have children, so the contrast is that much more blatant. It feels like the rest of the world is joyous while we struggle in the bleakness of our situation. It sucks, many of us here understand that suckage.

When I was still married to my alcoholic ex husband... he ruined my joy of the season so many times. Almost every Xmas eve was Mrs.Claus piling the gifts under the tree while Santa, wreaking of booze, was snoring, passed out on the couch. Good times.. great memories. Not. He did always manage to stumble his way to bed at some point and be able to be up for the kids in the morning. Of course he looked like death warmed over and smelled even worse. I have to wonder if my (grown) kids remember that part. I do and even though I am happily remarried, these memories haunt me.

I know you are in a bad place right now. It hurts to stay together, it hurts to separate. It probably feels like a lose/lose right now. I remember it feeling that way. Eventually, staying got more painful than leaving so I left. My kids were 16 and 20 at the time. It was the hardest most painful thing I ever did, it was also the most right thing for me to do. I was never going to be happy in my heart or healthy in my head had I stayed in that situation. We set horrible examples for our kids, him with his alcoholism, me with my codependence.

I hope you find things a little easier now that the holidays are winding down. Wishing for you peace and clarity while you figure out what your next right step should be. My suggestion would be to trust your instincts. Not your head, not your heart.. you gut, trust your gut.

P.S. I grew up in VERY remote areas, accessible only by boat or float plane. When we were kids and heading "to town" we were always so excited when we saw it was the "twingine" that came to pick us up. Better than the regular old beavers!

Bekindalways

Hi Twinotter . . . . welcome to Soberrecovery and so glad you found us.

As you have noticed, what you are going through is the worst of the worst. The situation is horrific. Leaving is an agony.

Huge kudos to you for coming here and calling AA. Please continue to seek out every bit of support you can get. Most of us can't do it alone. It is just too hard.

I do think there is a subtle and powerful difference for men in the situation. However, the havoc alcoholism wreaks on families is just as destructive no matter which spouse is the addict. We do have men here who are active.

Let us know how you get on and may battalions of angels dive-bomb your family.

FallenAngelina

Here is the national AlAnon meeting and phone resource page to get you started. Every local area will have a website, too. Feel free to PM me if you'd like more guidance. Since we're living in a Zoom world right now, there is almost always an English speaking meeting you can join 24/7. In my area alone (Greater NYC) we have thousands of people meeting each day and all meetings are open to anyone who has a problem drinker in his/her life.

trailmix

Hi twinotter. Well, it is the next logical step but the reason it's so hard is that you haven't made that decision yet. You mentioned you have left before and coped well, now it seems like a huge mountain.

This is different because perhaps you are thinking of leaving for good, rather than just as a temporary trial. Also, you are further along and have been living in the insanity longer, it affects everyone.

Remember, no decision you make is written in stone. If your decision is - I need to get out of here and so does my child, so I am leaving (or asking her to leave). That is a decision. No long term plan, those can all come later, will you try to fix this relationship, will your Son see his Mother regularly etc etc, you can get overwhelmed with all of that and it's really not the issue right now, you know what I mean?

Make a decision and then form your plan to leave, that's all you really need to focus on right now. Whether you leave for a year or longer, those decisions can come about later when you are settled and calm. It will give you time for the FOG to lift (fear, obligation, guilt).