Advice plz
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Aaaaand the “ruining every holiday” drama begins
He is now texting that he is “very upset with me and will be texting me about why”. This is a tactic to put me in a state of alarm in anticipation of what is coming next. I felt that internal jolt of alarm, and subsequently recognized his behavior for what it is. So I will try to respond with “that’s your opinion”. He will start asking questions like I’m on the witness stand. Should I just walk away from those? I wish I had a response to shut him down when he starts with that.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
pizza......I think you misunderstood me----I was not referring to That at all---lol. I was wondering if your husband would be under the same roof when the party is going on. In other words---will the party be held in your private home or at some other place?
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Let me try another approach...your kids are going to be adults soon, regardless, yes? That leaves you in a house with your husband, alone, which doesn’t sound like that’s what you want? And yes, if you “choose” the kids, you’re ultimately going to “lose” them anyway, because they will have their own lives. So...given these realities...what do YOU want for your life?
Your therapist should be helping you develop more strategies for coping with all of them, even role playing for practice. And he/she should be encouraging you to make a plan for what happens when the vaccine is distributed and life can resume. So that gives you a good 8 months to a year to figure out alternatives, yes? If your therapist isn’t versed in helping people in abuse situations or with codependency, you might want to want another resource..
Your therapist should be helping you develop more strategies for coping with all of them, even role playing for practice. And he/she should be encouraging you to make a plan for what happens when the vaccine is distributed and life can resume. So that gives you a good 8 months to a year to figure out alternatives, yes? If your therapist isn’t versed in helping people in abuse situations or with codependency, you might want to want another resource..
My therapist is well versed in everything and is doing a great job in an impossible situation.
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Hell, block him. Tell him you’re having trouble with your phone. Tell him you had it on do not disturb. Send him a shrug emoji, if you have to respond at all. But you’re still playing his game.
To get back to your one and only life...what is your plan? Is this how you want to spend the next twenty years?
To get back to your one and only life...what is your plan? Is this how you want to spend the next twenty years?
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Hell, block him. Tell him you’re having trouble with your phone. Tell him you had it on do not disturb. Send him a shrug emoji, if you have to respond at all. But you’re still playing his game.
To get back to your one and only life...what is your plan? Is this how you want to spend the next twenty years?
To get back to your one and only life...what is your plan? Is this how you want to spend the next twenty years?
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Gosh pizza, I'm so annoyed for you right now. All these males you live with trying to bully you into situations and choices that you should not have to deal with. I understand that your boys have learned this behavior because it is what they have witnessed from their father... but do you think they realize they are acting like him when they treat you that way? Asking you to make impossible choices? Making your life more stressful , more scary, more anxious? I wonder how they would feel knowing that they are causing you the same kind of uncomfortable feelings that he does? Would it be worth having that conversation with them? Maybe not right now, but maybe... or after the holidays?
It's really good you recognize that your NH is trying to keep you anxious and off balance with his ominous text. I'd be tempted to "lose" my phone. Put it on silent and jam it down in the couch cushions or something.... You really don't have to worry about what he will say in the up coming text barrage, you already know what kind of crap he spews. Don't waste any mental energy trying to have an answer for every dumb thing he may say.
Your boys aren't children anymore, they are young adults and as such don't need full time parenting, but rather guidance as they move forward. You might like to point that out to your NH. He is insane if he thinks you can "boss" a teenager around... good luck with that!!! Even parents on the same page don't "control" young people of that age, nor should they. Those of us that have tried have failed, miserably.
The way they are all making you feel.. I'd be tempted to call off any and all celebrations, Bdays, Xmas, any and all of it!!!! Why invest so much of yourself into something while everyone else in your household is making you miserable. SHEEEEEESH.
It's really good you recognize that your NH is trying to keep you anxious and off balance with his ominous text. I'd be tempted to "lose" my phone. Put it on silent and jam it down in the couch cushions or something.... You really don't have to worry about what he will say in the up coming text barrage, you already know what kind of crap he spews. Don't waste any mental energy trying to have an answer for every dumb thing he may say.
Your boys aren't children anymore, they are young adults and as such don't need full time parenting, but rather guidance as they move forward. You might like to point that out to your NH. He is insane if he thinks you can "boss" a teenager around... good luck with that!!! Even parents on the same page don't "control" young people of that age, nor should they. Those of us that have tried have failed, miserably.
The way they are all making you feel.. I'd be tempted to call off any and all celebrations, Bdays, Xmas, any and all of it!!!! Why invest so much of yourself into something while everyone else in your household is making you miserable. SHEEEEEESH.
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Gosh pizza, I'm so annoyed for you right now. All these males you live with trying to bully you into situations and choices that you should not have to deal with. I understand that your boys have learned this behavior because it is what they have witnessed from their father... but do you think they realize they are acting like him when they treat you that way? Asking you to make impossible choices? Making your life more stressful , more scary, more anxious? I wonder how they would feel knowing that they are causing you the same kind of uncomfortable feelings that he does? Would it be worth having that conversation with them? Maybe not right now, but maybe... or after the holidays?
It's really good you recognize that your NH is trying to keep you anxious and off balance with his ominous text. I'd be tempted to "lose" my phone. Put it on silent and jam it down in the couch cushions or something.... You really don't have to worry about what he will say in the up coming text barrage, you already know what kind of crap he spews. Don't waste any mental energy trying to have an answer for every dumb thing he may say.
Your boys aren't children anymore, they are young adults and as such don't need full time parenting, but rather guidance as they move forward. You might like to point that out to your NH. He is insane if he thinks you can "boss" a teenager around... good luck with that!!! Even parents on the same page don't "control" young people of that age, nor should they. Those of us that have tried have failed, miserably.
The way they are all making you feel.. I'd be tempted to call off any and all celebrations, Bdays, Xmas, any and all of it!!!! Why invest so much of yourself into something while everyone else in your household is making you miserable. SHEEEEEESH.
It's really good you recognize that your NH is trying to keep you anxious and off balance with his ominous text. I'd be tempted to "lose" my phone. Put it on silent and jam it down in the couch cushions or something.... You really don't have to worry about what he will say in the up coming text barrage, you already know what kind of crap he spews. Don't waste any mental energy trying to have an answer for every dumb thing he may say.
Your boys aren't children anymore, they are young adults and as such don't need full time parenting, but rather guidance as they move forward. You might like to point that out to your NH. He is insane if he thinks you can "boss" a teenager around... good luck with that!!! Even parents on the same page don't "control" young people of that age, nor should they. Those of us that have tried have failed, miserably.
The way they are all making you feel.. I'd be tempted to call off any and all celebrations, Bdays, Xmas, any and all of it!!!! Why invest so much of yourself into something while everyone else in your household is making you miserable. SHEEEEEESH.
not all boys
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Here’s something you might want to visit with your therapist...I’ve been through your old threads and it’s a pretty consistent pattern: you ask for “advice” and then when you receive some, you go through the post until you find something about it that you can refute or claim won’t work. Then you seemingly ignore the rest of it.
The fact is that there are no simple answers. There is nothing anyone can offer you to say or do that will magically fix your husband’s behavior or change your kids’ attitude. And maybe you’re asking for advice, but what you’re really looking for is sympathy or someone to affirm that yes, this is messed up? So yes, it’s really messed up and it’s really sad that you are dealing with this.
But maybe it’s your comfort zone, as uncomfortable as it is? Only you can decide when the discomfort exceeds the comfort enough to make a substantive change in your situation.
Wishing you clarity and strength.
The fact is that there are no simple answers. There is nothing anyone can offer you to say or do that will magically fix your husband’s behavior or change your kids’ attitude. And maybe you’re asking for advice, but what you’re really looking for is sympathy or someone to affirm that yes, this is messed up? So yes, it’s really messed up and it’s really sad that you are dealing with this.
But maybe it’s your comfort zone, as uncomfortable as it is? Only you can decide when the discomfort exceeds the comfort enough to make a substantive change in your situation.
Wishing you clarity and strength.
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The response to shut someone down is literally not to respond at all. You’re looking for magic words. All he wants is your attention. He does want to be reasoned with, convinced or swayed and so he won’t be. Full stop.
I tend to agree with Aries in that I am not sure what you are really looking for here, advice or sympathy. It feels like you acknowledge this is a no-win situation, but yet you keep trying to win.
I am on this board everyday, and I’ll keep supporting you however you need. It’s clear you’re frustrated and I am sorry about that.
I tend to agree with Aries in that I am not sure what you are really looking for here, advice or sympathy. It feels like you acknowledge this is a no-win situation, but yet you keep trying to win.
I am on this board everyday, and I’ll keep supporting you however you need. It’s clear you’re frustrated and I am sorry about that.
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You may be partially right but I’m not refuting, I’m saying he does these other things next that I never know how to respond to. Like I will take the advice but then he will start badgering me and it’s hard to keep ignoring. He’s pretty relentless. Sorry if it seems like I’m not taking the advice. I have and I’ve actually come a long way from the cowering dependent I was. I guess it doesn’t show on this forum.
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Originally Posted by pizza67
You may be partially right but I’m not refuting, I’m saying he does these other things next that I never know how to respond to. Like I will take the advice but then he will start badgering me and it’s hard to keep ignoring. He’s pretty relentless. Sorry if it seems like I’m not taking the advice. I have and I’ve actually come a long way from the cowering dependent I was. I guess it doesn’t show on this forum.
Someone then asked me if I was prepared to spend the rest of my life like this. The thought sickened me. My XAH was never, ever going to change therefore, I chose to save myself and my children (teenagers back then). Of course there were scary financial implications! However, I sorted it out, paid him out (a LOT of $$$ which he has since drunk away and is now technically homeless) and life is peaceful and I am more financially secure than ever before because I don't have him to clean up after!
Now we have peace. Well I do, the adult kids still choose to deal with him, while he tries to rope them in as co-dependents, but they've learned a lot about boundaries and enforce them.
Good luck. Choose yourself.
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"Like I will take the advice but then he will start badgering me and it’s hard to keep ignoring."
This is the same as a kid who has learned they will get anything they want- they just have to
ask 100 times. To stop this behavior, once ingrained, takes many, many instances of the parent
refusing to give in and it will eventually stop because there is no reward. But give in - and you
are back at the beginning. But this does and has worked for many (detaching, medium chill)
me included. It all goes back to what you want in your life - how you allow people to treat you.
This is the same as a kid who has learned they will get anything they want- they just have to
ask 100 times. To stop this behavior, once ingrained, takes many, many instances of the parent
refusing to give in and it will eventually stop because there is no reward. But give in - and you
are back at the beginning. But this does and has worked for many (detaching, medium chill)
me included. It all goes back to what you want in your life - how you allow people to treat you.
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Ok then...with those principles in mind, what would you do with a lengthy series of texts about how everyone in our family hates him and he is so lonely and I have no empathy and I’m just waiting out COVID to divorce him yada yada yada....
I could respond with kindness —>no I don’t want to reinforce this self-pity party
I could remind him this is a hell of his own creation—>release the kraken
I could ignore it—> it will probably follow me around and escalate
ive recommended he go to counseling many times and he blows it off and says he isn’t the issue.
I could respond with kindness —>no I don’t want to reinforce this self-pity party
I could remind him this is a hell of his own creation—>release the kraken
I could ignore it—> it will probably follow me around and escalate
ive recommended he go to counseling many times and he blows it off and says he isn’t the issue.
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From the website examples ...
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
Please look at the examples and find ones that are neutral and boring.
I found it useful to keep repeating myself with the boring responses.
The goal is to stop the mean abusive badgering which in my opinion
is a form of entertainment for them and a way to take their mind off
themselves.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
I can see you like your therapist but from what you have described
it doesn't seem that she has been able to get your family out of this
dysfunctional destructive dynamic.
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
Please look at the examples and find ones that are neutral and boring.
I found it useful to keep repeating myself with the boring responses.
The goal is to stop the mean abusive badgering which in my opinion
is a form of entertainment for them and a way to take their mind off
themselves.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
I can see you like your therapist but from what you have described
it doesn't seem that she has been able to get your family out of this
dysfunctional destructive dynamic.
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pizza......there are no words that will just stop him in his tracks. He is "getting off" by abusing you. He knows he is doing it and he is doing it because he CAN and feels entitled to do it. These are some of the dynamics of an abuser. A person can be an alcoholic and an abuser at the same time. Emotional, psychological and verbal abuse can be as damaging as black eyes and broken jaws. It is all abuse and sometimes the scars are on the inside.
I really do think that it is time that you seek the counsel of the local domestic abuse organization. Call the hot line in order to make the connection. I don't see the situation getting any better--,as alcoholism and abuse both tend to escalate, over time.
I/we can't tell you any magic words or techniques that will fix a situation that has gotten this toxic. We can offer you empathy and support but we can't help you fix the situation, as it is.
When he starts the aggressive brow-beating harrassment "sessions"----I suggest that you don't verbally get into the weeds with him----don't JADE---but, rather, leave the room or area--and lock yourself in a bedroom....or, leave the house. Go outside and lock yourself in the car----and, even sleep in the car, if necessary. ****Mind you, these are only short term immediate actions---until the domestic violence workers and their recommended lawyers, and your usual therapist, and other support team can guide you through a better plan. You must get more outside support---itis there if you will seek it.
We will support you in seeking that support. There are many of us here who have been in your same shoes.
I am concerned about your own health--(I am a medical person--lol). When you felt that "jolt" inside, when you read his last text---that is a set up for developing a form of PTSD. He knows that it scares you...that is why he does it that way. He gets off on knowing that you respond that way. That is why he won't stop doing it. Meanwhile--your body is flooded with stress hormones which are lowering your immune system and having an eroding effect on your mental health. It is likely that you may become sick from all of this.
I really do think that it is time that you seek the counsel of the local domestic abuse organization. Call the hot line in order to make the connection. I don't see the situation getting any better--,as alcoholism and abuse both tend to escalate, over time.
I/we can't tell you any magic words or techniques that will fix a situation that has gotten this toxic. We can offer you empathy and support but we can't help you fix the situation, as it is.
When he starts the aggressive brow-beating harrassment "sessions"----I suggest that you don't verbally get into the weeds with him----don't JADE---but, rather, leave the room or area--and lock yourself in a bedroom....or, leave the house. Go outside and lock yourself in the car----and, even sleep in the car, if necessary. ****Mind you, these are only short term immediate actions---until the domestic violence workers and their recommended lawyers, and your usual therapist, and other support team can guide you through a better plan. You must get more outside support---itis there if you will seek it.
We will support you in seeking that support. There are many of us here who have been in your same shoes.
I am concerned about your own health--(I am a medical person--lol). When you felt that "jolt" inside, when you read his last text---that is a set up for developing a form of PTSD. He knows that it scares you...that is why he does it that way. He gets off on knowing that you respond that way. That is why he won't stop doing it. Meanwhile--your body is flooded with stress hormones which are lowering your immune system and having an eroding effect on your mental health. It is likely that you may become sick from all of this.
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Originally Posted by pizza67
You may be partially right but I’m not refuting, I’m saying he does these other things next that I never know how to respond to. Like I will take the advice but then he will start badgering me and it’s hard to keep ignoring. He’s pretty relentless. Sorry if it seems like I’m not taking the advice. I have and I’ve actually come a long way from the cowering dependent I was. I guess it doesn’t show on this forum.
He is looking for attention and a reaction from you, he doesn't actually care about any of this stuff he is going on about you know.
So the advice is for every single one of these situations.
As for the choice between your children or your AH, I thought you mentioned you were leaving at some point, has that plan changed?
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Pizza, I'm sorry if you have answered this question before but have you had a consultation with an attorney? Maybe this could help you clarify what rights you have and what kind of financial situation you will have to work with. I understand that stuck feeling, I know it well, but maybe just some baby steps will give you some strength and confidence so that his words and actions won't effect you as much. As for your kids, remember they are teenagers and their brains aren't fully developed, try and let their quacking go also.
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